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Thread: Paled leaves (naruto-fan fiction)

  1. #1
    Registered User 英雄メンバー / Eiyuu Menbaa / Hero Member walkie's Avatar
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    Paled leaves (naruto-fan fiction)

    Author’s note: first of all this is my first fan fiction. There may be possible mistakes, grammar or vocabulary or etc., sorry for that . This story is based on a different story line of naruto. Be aware of possible time-jump spoilers.Consider this as a first chapter.i hope with your reviews and ideas i will do better than this, next time

    Summary: Orochimaru’s plan was succesful. Konoha was crushed during chuunin exam by the attack of sound and sand villages. All civilians were able survive but only very few ninjas of konoha managed to live. Survivors are now in the secret shelters and trying to reestablish everything they can, under command of the sannin, Jiraiya.( This story (mostly) will be told from the eyes of a hyuuga survivor, Hyuuga Naruki.)


    PALED LEAVES

    Chapter One: Marching to Konoha

    It has been three months. I missed my home, Konoha. The evil, Orochimaru, and his followers are now at my home, what a great pain. But finally, the decision that i have been waiting has taken. We will attack Konoha! We must regain our home! Looking after wounded ninjas and forming new teams from the survivors has finally come to an end. I have been training with everything i got for three months, just for this day.

    “Very well Naruki. It is enough training for today.” says Hyuuga Ikuo, sensei of Naruki.
    “You have become a skillful ninja. You are already above chuunin level, i must say.”. Ikuo looks into eyes of his young student:

    “only a few hyuuga is alive, you know...”
    “yes, ikuo-sama...”
    “our abilities are very important for our attack and you will be one of the 8 hyuugas at the front line. I am counting on you.”
    “I will not fail you, ikuo-sama”

    “his eyes...he is determined...no fear of death...anger??..is he looking for revenge of his sister?” thinks iruko while naruki walks aways.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    “Oi, naruki. How was your training?”
    “fine. I am going to eat something, will you join me, Mirai?”
    “i just eat and already feed chizu...Did you see Kenma today?”
    “umm..he hasn’t returned from scouting i guess”
    “ok, i will see you at the gathering”
    “ok, see you later”

    Inuzuka Mirai and his lovely dog, chizu...a good kid. Kenma, Mirai and i will be a team and scout the north side of konoha before our attack. I don’t know them well, neither they do know me well. We didn’t have much time to work together as a team, but somehow i trust them. Even if they fail, it is ok, because i will not fail, no matter what.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Jiraiya-sama’s room, at the secret shelter:

    “this is all i can teach you about kyuubi in three months, naruto...do not rush anything, since our numbers are not much, we need every ninja to take back our home.”
    “don’t worry ero-sennin, i will take back konoha and sasuke, even it costs my life”

    “sorry to interrupt Jiraiya-sama..kakashi-sama has come back from his mission. He and other jounins are gathered at the meeting room, waiting for your presence.”

    “yosh...tell them i will be there in a minute...naruto, you go and take a rest”

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Meeting room, at the secret shelter:

    “that is good news..sand will help us and already on the move” says Jiraiya.

    “are they really trustworthy Jiraiya-sama?, they also attacked us with sound ninjas” whispers Gai.

    “last time, they were deceived by orochimaru and i already told this to everyone in this room...they want to kill orochimaru,too...stop questioning them” says Jiraiya

    “even with the help of sand, it will not be easy...we may lost everything we got” says Kakashi

    “we have nothing to loose kakashi...everyone here wants konoha back. We can not stop them any longer. Besides, last time i was worrying about civilians and survivors. This time i will personally return a favor to my old friend. This time we are ones who will play cards first”---jiraiya

    “it is too bad that government doesn’t support us.” says Ibiki

    “since we lost, we are considered as powerless. So government is trying to make a deal with Orochimaru. With that deal, Orochimaru will soon have enough sources for establishing a real village. Until that happens he will use konoha as a hideout and according to our information he makes some tests on people at konoha” says Kakashi

    “will orochimaru be there tomorrow?” asks Gai

    “he will gai, trust in me, he will. that is another reason why we can not wait longer. Tomorrow, everything will be proceed as planned. Good luck everyone.” says Jiraiya.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Another sleepness night. Sister, tomorrow i will be able to avenge you. I hope my nightmares, seeing you dying again and again will end. But today i am not awake because of those nightmares. Today i can not sleep, because of the idea of tomorrow. I will not only avenge you, sister. I will fight for all hyuuga who died to protect konoha. I was saved by a member of branch family. Almost all branch family sacrificed themselves to save main family. Only a few of them is alive now. Our clan was near to extinction. Those dark days should end.

    Looking cloudless sky makes me relax. I feel better now. So quiet.....

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    “another trap, northeast, nearly 70 meters, on an old tree near a rock...that seems last one for this area” whispers Naruki

    “i’ll handle it..”---Mirai

    “good job, naruki. But it seems weird to me. Why are there not scouts around here? Anyway i am going to report now...this is team 12. we have secured the area. It is 200 meters to north gates of konoha. This the closer point that we can go.” reports back, Kenma

    “well done guys. Hide yourself and wait for the signal. Your job for now, is done”

    Kenma seems to be a good team leader. But i didn’t want that mission from the beggining. Why are we just scouting? I know me and my teammates are very young and inexperienced but i want to fight, too. I see konoha ninjas coming closer...it is just a matter of time. The main attack will begin from the south gate. But before that attack, sand will attack from west to mislead sound ninjas. Once everything begins, a special ANBU team will leak into konoha from north. I don’t know their main goal, but we are ordered to clear the path for them and during the attack, we must support them. If they are as good as my sensei told to me, may be my team won’t need to fight. What a shame!!! The way ANBU team moves, impressive. They are really professionals. As they coming closer, my blood starts to boil....

    “ANBU team, 50 meters, south....i hope you are ready Kenma, Mirai”

    The attack finally started. Sand ninja’s are doing their job well. Wait...is this?? Yes, it is a giant toad. Jiraiya-sama is on the move...This is the signal for the ANBU team. They are really fast. The sound of war, screams...those voices are not new to us. It is almost the same when Orochimaru attacked us.

    “ANBU team are heading towards to the central of konoha. If we wait here, the distance between them and us will be a problem. Let’s go..”

    “wait, naruki!!!! They did’t give any signal yet....damn, i am the leader but he doesn’t listen to me....now we have a problem!” grumbles Kenma.

    “he has already gone...we can’t wait any longer, can we?”

    “yeah, yeah..i guess it’s helpless now. Lets go”

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I am in konoha once again. There are heavy battles at south and west. Huge snakes again, damn those snakes...what??? i am sinking...a marsh?is this a trap?.. my body is becoming so heavy. What kind of a jutsu is that?...calm down.this must be a genjutsu. Control your chakra, calm down, i can beat that genjutsu.

    “kai!!”

    “hmm interesting...you could dispell my genjutsu. But don’t think i am only capable of this” says a sound ninja. He looks into Naruki’s eyes directly then jumps and kicks Naruki’s face. While naruki falls down, he smiles with enjoyment.

    “He is fast...he is faster than anybody i know. How can he move like that?” thinks naruki. The taste of blood, his lips are bleeding.

    “sorry but i don’t have enough time to play with you, kid” says sound ninja while he graps a kunai. He jumps faster than before and slices through Naruki’s chest.

    “???...you are still alive? You are full of suprises, kid. But next move will be your end”

    I was able to release some chakra from my body at the last second. That’s why he couldn’t slice so deeply. He is just playing with me!! Damn!! I can’t die here, not yet.. I must beat him. I must see through his moves. First he gathers some chakra around his legs, i saw it. That must be the way how he moves fast. Ok, focus on his legs. Focus on his chakra. See how his muscles moves. Predict when and how he moves. I can do that. I must do that. My chest, that pain.....

    Sound ninja jumps quickly and swings his kunai. As naruki bends down, kunai cuts only some of naruki’s hair. Confused sound ninja steps back.

    “good move kid, but that is not enough...what?..my le..”

    “you noticed quickly. I didn’t only defend myself. I also closed your tenketsu points that connects your leg’s chakra follow with your body. Now you will not able to gather chakra around your legs, so you will not able to move fast as before.”

    “you bastard...”

    “besides, you were too confident that you didn’t step back as you must do. You are in my Hakke Rokujuuyonshou range. As you said, next move is the end...”

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    “i do not get his smell well but chizu can still pursue him. It looks like he stopped once again, may be he met some sound ninja.”

    “then we must hurry, we will already be punished because we left our spot. I don’t want anymore problem”

    “heyy, kenma...what’s that thing?”

    “oohh...it must be Shukaku. Gaara, a jinchuuriki from sand village. Stop watching around, will ya? We must find Naruki”

    “It is an amazing battle against those huge snakes...and if i am not wrong, what i see at the east of us, are Gamabunta and there is another huge snake..they must be Jiraiya-sama and Orochimaru-sama, right?”

    “Do you remember what Jiraiya-sama told us? He said do not get close to them, it would be very dangerous, and our friend Naruki, is getting closer and closer”

    “yahhooo!!!!..it seems exciting”

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Those two ninjas were good. They did well until the last moment. My chest!! Pain is becoming more unbearable every passing second. And i think i lost too much blood. My eyes are becoming powerless, and my body is becoming more heavy. Sister, i think we will meet each other again, very soon.

    What is that feeling? That evil chakra? Is it Orochimaru? No...this chakra can not be human...it is...it must be Kyuubi. Yes, that appareance, that tails...It is Kyuubi. So Naruto-kun has been released. Final stage has began: assassination of Orochimaru.

    As Naruki looked back, he sees a sound ninja coming towards him with his kunai. He was focused on long distance, so that he couldn’t notice his enemy until last moment. Rather than fear, he feels happyness, he will die at his home. He closed his eyes, just a second later he heard a scream.

    “?? Sand? ”

    “We need a medic here!!! Quick!!!breath kid. Leave the rest to us, sand village. Gaara is here, no need to worry.”

    “ahhh, there you are. You scared us Naruki, didn’t he kenma?”

    “do not do that again, next time you may be dead, you idiot!”

    “Naruto-kun, Jiraiya-sama, do not lose!”...light and voices are disappearing....Naruki faints away....

  2. #2
    Puella Magi 伝説メンバー / Densetsu / Legendary Member Galth's Avatar
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    Re: Paled leaves (naruto-fan fiction)

    Quote Quote:
    “Very well Naruki. It is enough training for today.” says Hyuuga Ikuo, sensei of Naruki.
    “You have become a skillful ninja. You are already above chuunin level, i must say.”. Ikuo looks into eyes of his young student:

    “only a few hyuuga is alive, you know...”
    “yes, ikuo-sama...”
    “our abilities are very important for our attack and you will be one of the 8 hyuugas at the front line. I am counting on you.”
    “I will not fail you, ikuo-sama”

    “his eyes...he is determined...no fear of death...anger??..is he looking for revenge of his sister?” thinks iruko while naruki walks aways.
    i'll read this later XD sorry, too busy right now, but thanks a lot for posting the/your first fanfic in the Scrapbook section ( -> )

  3. #3
    MH Senpai 英雄メンバー / Eiyuu Menbaa / Hero Member
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    Re: Paled leaves (naruto-fan fiction)

    Wow - interesting!

    I must admit it is the first fanfic I ever read but it's nice so far I can judge.
    I like the idea of an alternative story line of yours. Very well placed.

    I didn't have the time to read it all but I'll make sure to read the whole thing next time.

  4. #4
    =D 英雄メンバー / Eiyuu Menbaa / Hero Member Tamerlane's Avatar
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    Re: Paled leaves (naruto-fan fiction)

    Yaaaaay! Thanks for posting the first fanfiction here. =D

    I went ahead and read thru the story and I think that you have a interesting idea going for the plot so far. You seem to have all the dialogue worked out as well.

    One thing that I would suggest is to try to add a lot more description from the viewpoint of your main character, Hyuuga Naruki. One good way to do that is to take all aspects of a scene into consideration the sounds, the colors, smells and the activity happening around him etc. This would add a lot more emotion to the character and make the reader identify with him more if they can clearly picture what is happening during the scene. Also try reading it out loud to hear what it sounds like. It may give you a lot of ideas and help make it flow better.

    Keep it up though! I would love to see the next chapter as well.


  5. #5
    Registered User 英雄メンバー / Eiyuu Menbaa / Hero Member walkie's Avatar
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    Re: Paled leaves (naruto-fan fiction)

    Quote Originally Posted by Tamerlane
    Yaaaaay! Thanks for posting the first fanfiction here. =D

    I went ahead and read thru the story and I think that you have a interesting idea going for the plot so far. You seem to have all the dialogue worked out as well.

    One thing that I would suggest is to try to add a lot more description from the viewpoint of your main character, Hyuuga Naruki. One good way to do that is to take all aspects of a scene into consideration the sounds, the colors, smells and the activity happening around him etc. This would add a lot more emotion to the character and make the reader identify with him more if they can clearly picture what is happening during the scene. Also try reading it out loud to hear what it sounds like. It may give you a lot of ideas and help make it flow better.

    Keep it up though! I would love to see the next chapter as well. 
    thanx for the advices since this is my first fan-fic, i know i have a long way to go but for every voyage you need first step right...

  6. #6
    =D 英雄メンバー / Eiyuu Menbaa / Hero Member Tamerlane's Avatar
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    Re: Paled leaves (naruto-fan fiction)

    That is very true. It is admirable that you are willing to start though. I will try to help anyway that I can.


  7. #7
    Registered User 有名人 / Yuumeijin / Celebrity weixiaobao's Avatar
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    Re: Paled leaves (naruto-fan fiction)

    Since this story is written in March 27, so my compliment kinda late.
    Great story, the way it written is unique and sometimes confusing but you leave a lot of room for imagination. I was like imagining the story take place at night under the full moon or something (that kinda cool the way you wrote it).

    Anyway, this story kinda short and I like the ending (very unique compare to most other written story).

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