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Thread: I need feedback on my story

  1. #1
    Registered User 初心者/ Shoshinsha / Beginner
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    I need feedback on my story

    TITLE: se7en wish

    The country is in a dire state cause a drug labeled as berserker is spreading around it's a drug that drives out the insanity of a human or if an alternative that the human still gain his sanity he would be gifted with supernatural powers It is suspected that a group of criminals Known as the shadow 7 is suspected behind it but the memebers of shadow 7 are too tough to handle.
    So the government and the police decided to assign the most wanted person in their least to for a group of seven people included him to deal gainst the shadow 7.

    As their search for him begins a newbie on the police department namely Elizah has been assigned to support on those who are wounded in the city when the berserker attacked during her duty she encountered a person that pretended to be sick but whose actually one of the infected people or berserkers when she realized that it was a trap to lure her suddnly a guy appeared behind her and kicked the berserker in his stomach causing the drug to be puked out by him the man adressed himself as dire wolf and Elizah pointed out a gun on him when another police personel heard she commanded Elizah to quickly bring Wolf to the station wolf did not struggled because he already was called beforehand whenthey got on the station the chief already be frank with him and told him the reason why he has been callled Wolf just smirked but he asked for a condition He would onjly help them if the first member would be ELizah upon hearing this Elizah was startled and strated to blush a bit and wolf started teasing him even she rejected that much she could not defy the order of the higher ups so the two of them became partners in search of looking for the remaining members of the se7en or the group that will prevent the downfall of the country

  2. #2
    Registered User 初心者/ Shoshinsha / Beginner slez's Avatar
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    Re: I need feedback on my story

    Frankly, your writing is so poor that it makes your story difficult to read. The idea has promise, but you will need to dramatically improve your writing skills before you can properly write your story.

    I took a little time to rewrite your first few sentences, just to give you a little idea of the work you will need to do.

    ---

    The country is in a dire state. Use of a new drug called Berserker is increasing at an alarming rate. It's a drug that causes most people to go insane, and those that keep their sanity are gifted with supernatural powers. It is suspected that a group known as the Shadow 7 is behind Berserker, and to date the government has not been to do anything about them.

    ---

    The following sentence is written so poorly that I’m having difficulty understanding it.

    “So the government and the police decided to assign the most wanted person in their least to for a group of seven people included him to deal gainst the shadow 7.”

    Don’t get discouraged. Keep on writing and seeking feedback. You’ll eventually get better.

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  4. #3
    Registered User 中級員 / Chuukyuuin / Member The Red Dog's Avatar
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    Re: I need feedback on my story

    Ah,You must be one of those beta readers on FF.net in your spare time Slez
    Zettai-Teki Seigi/Absolute Justice

  5. #4
    Registered User 初心者/ Shoshinsha / Beginner slez's Avatar
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    Re: I need feedback on my story

    Not bad Red Dog, but you did make a few mistakes.

    Quote Quote:
    Ah,You must be one of those beta readers on FF.net in your spare time Slez
    First there should be a space after the comma, and the word 'You' should not be capitalized. Also, you should expanded on your subject by adding something like:

    "Slez, you are so amazingly awesome. I really think you're great."

    Overall it wasn't too bad, but it could use some polish.

    BTW I am not a beta reader on FF.net, but I did consider becoming one once.

  6. #5
    Registered User 中級員 / Chuukyuuin / Member The Red Dog's Avatar
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    Re: I need feedback on my story

    Quote Originally Posted by slez View Post
    Not bad Red Dog, but you did make a few mistakes.



    First there should be a space after the comma, and the word 'You' should not be capitalized. Also, you should expanded on your subject by adding something like:
    Thanks for the lesson ,I'll need it for my FF

    Quote Quote:
    "Slez, you are so amazingly awesome. I really think you're great."
    LolWut ?!
    Zettai-Teki Seigi/Absolute Justice

  7. #6
    Registered User 初心者/ Shoshinsha / Beginner warywhim's Avatar
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    Re: I need feedback on my story

    To be honest the writing was a little hard to understand, but overall your idea sounds pretty interesting. The only thing about naming anything "se7en" is that I immediately think of se7en the Kpop star lol and I'm pretty sure he had a song called wish or something close to that ><

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