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Well, chapter 16 of SOWB is probably the toughest I've tackled so far, so I *really* wanted to get feedback on it, especially on some of the lines. I'm not sure I got all of them right.
I've noted those lines in red, but if anyone's willing to put in the time, it's overall a real interesting chapter from a translator's perspective, so it might be worthwhile to give it a look.
Chapter 16: Ill show ya*!
*chapter titles in Mizushou always correspond to one of the lines uttered by the characters within the chapter, so Im forced to copy-paste what they say. In this case, Ill prove it to ya would be a more literal translation than Ill show ya, but the former alternative just doesnt work as well when the lines finally uttered at the end of the chapter.
Guy: Take that, ya little shit*!
*I purpously put foul language in my drafts for Mizushou because I feel it fits with the overall adult tone of the manga. So when characters who seem like theyd swear if they spoke English explode, I have them swear.
Guy: Ya gotta long way to go before ya can even think about snatchinmy girl from me! Beat it!
Itsusei: Only a butt-ugly prick like you is satisfied with a butt-ugly bitch like that*!
*Im not sure I got the nuance right here. Corrections / suggestions?
Guy: Say that again, punk!
Itsusei: Hey there, Miss
Guy: found ya! Cmere, punk!
Toshihito: Impressive! Most impressive*! Your third for the day!
*Ive noticed I enjoy putting Star Wars references in my translations whenever the opportunity presents itself. I prefer those from the original trilogy, but recently one line from the accursed new trilogy creeped into my draft for Raruto 5 dunno if itll make it past editing, though. Kudos to those who can tell me what scene from which movie this one corresponds to.
Student: Oh, the days not over yet! Im gonna go try for one more!
Toshihito: Miss, thank you so much for your help today.
Girl: Huh? Whats going on? I wasnt picked up*?
*dunno how natural this sounds, actually. If anyone has a better idea
Small font: Wow, hes cute!
Keisuke: Today the host group is having its field excercise on catching.
Keisuke: Catching is well, on the surface, nothing more than picking up girls BUT
Keisuke: For host clubs, its one of the key activities through which they gain new customers *
*Couldnt find a way to include the sono jitsu ha element without the line sounding ridiculous the truth behind it is that Er, no. And I went with activity for eigyou for the same reason: business-related operation doesnt work well.
Keisuke: Upon your first successfull catch youre considered fully qualified as a host*.
*I know the to itte mo ii darou element is missing in this translation, but I just couldnt find a way to work it in there without the prose sounding stiff and figured it wasnt all that important to begin with, so I just dropped it.
Third catching field exercise result sheet.
Toshihito: Right! Im happy to say just about everyones doing well today*!
*Of course, the implied meaning of gambattemasu is that theyre doing well. If I were to go with something more literal, like everyones doing their best, or everyones working hard, the implied meaning would be the opposite: that theyre not doing very well (despite their efforts).
Host Group Lecturer-in-chief
Toshihito: Guess theyre starting to pick up on the tricks of the trade, ey, Tanabe-Sensei!
Toshihito + Keisuke: Hahahah! (characters outside bubbles, of course).
Toshihito: With one notable exception, that is
Keisuke: To put it the other way around
Keisuke: Hosts incapable of catching
Keisuke: Will never be fully qualified as such at all.
Toshihito: Miyazaki! the hell you do to your suit!
Little explanatory letters: Students are obligated to wear suits for field exercises.
Itsusei: Oh, this
Itsusei: Sensei, I think Ill call it a day!
Toshihito: Hey, just a minute! Youre the only one without a single catch so far!
Itsusei: Oh, well, ya know todays not my day and all that!
Keisuke: Whos that?
Toshihito: The most problematic student in the host group...
Toshihito: Miyazaki Itsusei ironically a name fit for a host if I ever heard one.
Toshihito: Unfortunately, the same cant be said for his attitude.
Toshihito: Anyhow, its like hes quick to give up or just gets fed up real soon
Toshihito: Hes got some nerve, all things considered.*
* I could not find a way to link sono kuse with the following sentence without having it sound bland did I read it incorrectly? Because together with the sentence that follows it would be, according to me, despite that, do you know what he said during the admission interview? The line as such in English just doesnt express a lot of irritation on the part of Toshihito.
Toshihito (narration): Do you know what he said during the admission interview?
Toshihito: So then, Miyazaki-kun! Why Mizushou? Why our host group?
Itsusei: To be popular with the hotties real quick and real easy!
Itsusei: Yeah, I mean, being a host automatically makes you a hit with the ladies, right?
Toshihito: He wants to be popular with women, but hes not willing to put the least effort into it.
Toshihito: guess you could say hes a child of the times in both the good and bad sense of the term *
*Did I get this right?
Toshihito: Obviously, theres no such thing as an easy ride through the whole of life
Toshihito: Right!? Tanabe-Sensei!
Toshihito: If he keeps this up, you can be sure hell drop out sooner or later.
Toshihito: I just wonder if he realizes the gravity of the situation
Keisuke: Yo! Miyazaki!
Keisuke: Mind if I sit here?
Itsusei: Um, go ahead
Keisuke: Wanna sandwich?
Itsusei: Er, thanks.
Keisuke: still pretty warm, ey?
Itsusei: So like, what can I do fer ya? Out with it.
Keisuke: Well, Miyazaki lets try and work a little bit harder k?
Itsusei: Tch! A lecture, huh.
Keisuke: Well, you do wanna be popular with girls, right?
Keisuke: So its only natural that you need put a bit more effort into it
Itsusei: You dont get it, do ya, Sensei?
Itsusei: You can be a hit without having to work hard for it!
Itsusei: Thats what it means to be a stud to begin with!
Itsusei: Easy going, easy livins my motto!
Itsusei: Or no pain, you gain.
Keisuke: Well, if you say so, but
Keisuke: At this point, youve yet a single success to show for in the field exercises so your argument doesnt carry much weight at the moment
Itsusei: Im one of those who come up big in the real world!
Itsusei: Heh! Whats an unpopular guy like you doing lecturing me!
Mari: There he is, girls!
Fuuzoku group, first year student
Hostess group, lecturer-in-chief
Fuuzoku group, lecturer-in-chief
Fuuzoku group, first year student
Gaybar group, first year student
Mari: Really now, we were looking all over for you!
Akemi: Sandwiches, again, Tanabe-sensei?
Teppei: I made luch! Lets eat together!
Akemi: I brougt some too, actually.
Keisuke: Oh, well, Im kind of in the middle of something here, so
Mari (tiny font): Hes gonna cry.
Characters above Teppeis head *SNIFF*
Akemi (tiny font): Yup, hes crying.
Keisuke: G got it! My bad! Well all eat together, right!
Izumi: Ah! Hes crying!
Izumi: He made Teppei cry!
Izumi: Wow, look at all this food!
Akane: Enough for ten people. Well, everyone brought enough for two. (small font) For Tanabe-Sensei and them.
Mari: Well, they say you cant have your cake and eat it too *
* does this work, you think?
Akemi: Tanabe-Sensei! Eat-up, eat-up!
Itsusei: Well, well, quite the stud we have here
Izumi: Hey, now that I think about it, whos he?
Itsusei: Im Miyazaki Itsusei, from the Host Group!
Itsusei: Born October 9th! Libras my sign, B my blood-type!
Teppei: Tanabe-Sensei, have some of this, too!
Keisuke: Oh, look, another er - high-calorie meal!
Itsusei: LISTEN UP!
Itsusei: Didnt you guys ask me a question just now!
Izumi: Uh-um, sorry!
Mari: no reason to be that angry over a little snub
Mari: Miyazaki Itsusei, right? Ive heard the name before some guy from the Host group whos real selfish and has no tact* whatsoever .
Itsusei: You wanna say that again, bitch!
Mari: You make me sick! I cant stand guys with zero class!
Mari: might as well come out and say it.
Mari: Youll never be a decent host! Or more like -
Mari: Youll never be a host, period! Humph! What an Idiot!
Keisuke: Wha, whaddo I -?
Akemi: Oh, leave em alone!
Akemi (tiny font): Eat, eat!
Akane: Ah! This chikuzen-ni is delicious!
Teppei: Really? Thank you!
Itsusei: stupid bitch
Itsusei: Just you watch .
Itsusei: Ill prove just how good a host Id make!
Itsusei: Ill show ya!
Butt ugly guys need to stick with butt ugly girlsQuote:
(So in other words, the ugly guy shouldn't be trying to get the cute girls but be satisfied with the ugly ones, since he himself is ugly^^
HUH?! That wasn't an attempt to hit on me? (or something of that nature~ )Quote:
"Catching" is well... for the most part looks like the host is just hitting on girlsQuote:
but in reality/ but the truth is (then what you put~)Quote:
It'd be safe to say that once you're able to do "catching" without messing up will be the first time you'll be considered fully qualified as a hostQuote:
ya- they're not biting or anything.Quote:
(in other words they aren't "feeling him" they're aren't "digging his stuff" type thing... )
I read it as... "despite that he's still here." the reason is despite the above reasons he still is trying to be a host... or something more to that nature..Quote:
The rest I leave to you guys, I'll be out of town for the next two days, well until Sunday. If no one else has replied by then, then- yah I'll continue [br]Posted on: September 08, 2006, 11:50:58 PM_________________________________________________>.> anyone else? ね？(笑) I have a few deadlines to meet before this weekend, and then from Friday to Sunday night I'll be busy(seriously not near the computer for the entire 3 days...).... BUT! After that I have no plans other than work for a while... so うん 今回だけ・・・中途半端に終わらせます（っていうかこのまま終わってないんだけど(笑)）。でもうん・・・皆様力を貸してください～(笑)
Tayちゃんの頼みなら断れないよね 。あたしもお世話になってるんだから ってお世話になってる人にそんな勝手な呼び方はダメよね。 ごめんなさい。 （謝ってるくせに呼び方を変えようとしない （笑）） で、あたしこんな性格だから、皆さんうざくなったら言ってね。
Iwanin: I read through the whole thing and I didn't repost the section Taylor already posted about unless I had something a little different. If you like my suggestions great if not, please just ignore them.
Also, please excuse any typos. I didn't get any sleep last night so. これってただの言い訳だけど
I've still got time! I'm gonna go at it one more time!Quote:
Huh? Wha~t? You weren't hitting on me?Quote:
Miyazaki Itsusei - His (real) name fits a host perfectly however...Quote:
Unfortunately his attitude...Quote:
Is well... he's easily bored or he just gives up too easily...Quote:
"Despite all that... do you know what he had the nerve to say during the admission interivew?" That's how I would translate it to show the character's irritation, while still trying to keep mostly with the original script. I don't know how well you think it sounds and admittedly it's a little awkward so if you don't like it pay no attention.Quote:
Sorry, but my English isn't quite up to it so I have to ask... does the "times" refer to the current generation in this case? If so everything else looks great.Quote:
But there's no world where you get all the rewards without doing any work.Quote:
*I know it's more literal, but "through the whole of life" just sounds a little awkward to me.
If he keeps this up, he'll be sure to fail/flunk sooner or later.Quote:
*Drop out implies that he will choose to quit. 落第 means he would fail or flunk out.
暑いmeans hot. 暖かいor温かいwould be warm. Sorry if I'm being too picky... If so please let me know and I'll try not to be.Quote:
So, what is it? If you've got something to say, spit it out.Quote:
Make easy money, that's my motto!Quote:
タナボ is short for 棚牡丹 which is short for 「棚から牡丹餅」 which means unexpectedly/etremely luckly. So I'd go for something like...Quote:
Or "amazing luck."
Ah! You made him cry!Quote:
Well, they do say that caterers all deliver at the same time...Quote:
Hey, by the way, who is he?Quote:
...and so stupid he doesn't even know when to keep his mouth shut!!Quote:
Thanks, you two - you were both of great help.
Anyway, I'll let you know when the scanlation's out. In the meantime, I'll be closing this thread, I think...
Yes, I shall.