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Last edited by b1px; June 02, 2009 at 04:54 AM.
It's a pretty long chapter, so I haven't gotten through the whole thing. Here are some immediate things to consider:
-Change teacher to instructor. Minor change, but makes a difference in the flow. "Sword instructor" sounds natural while "Sword teacher" isn't a phrase heard all that often.
-"I’ll let him have his way for now, since he’s royalty…" This part is really hard... And the translation is a little off. He's saying something like: I treat him like the royalty he's supposed to be, and he treats me like this. Not saying you should actually use that sentence, but that sums up what it means.
-Overall, the main character's tone can be adjusted so he sounds more like the spoiled brat he is. For example, rework "so-called," "no such future," "As for me, I'll merely live" can all be rephrased to sound less awkward.
-Minor changes like "This guy...isn't using a practice sword...but a real one―" Should be changed to it's
I think it would be beneficial to look over it again yourself. You've done a really good job translating the content. You have a good base to work from, so the next step would be to worry less about the Japanese and more about the English you've translated into. That's what people are going to be reading, after all. If you can start to notice some kinks yourself, it really shows you're getting better at this. Post a reply saying you've done some edits, and I would be happy to look over it again and approve it for release.
Thanks for the feedback! Yeah, it is a long chapter. And I think I took on a project that's a bit difficult for a beginner like me. Hopefully, this will be good training for my Japanese, and English as well. I looked over it again and tried editing with some of your review points. Suddenly, everything sounded awkward to me...I ended up not changing that much, sorry.
> I changed some lines like "This so-called sophisticated swordsmanship is useless crap―" into "To hell with fancy sword style, it's useless crap―"
> I hope it's ok, I used your translation for 「一応王族だと思って人が下手に出ていれば・・・」. I got very, very confused by this line. I initially interpreted it as "I'm just being nice to you since I think of you as royalty...", I guess I was wrong, hehe.
YESSS! That's exactly the type of editing you need!!! You have the chapter in your head, so just go back and edit it only looking at the English so any awkwardness is eliminated. Take your time. Send me a PM or post here once you've edited to satisfaction.
And yes, the 王族 line is very confusing. Don't hesitate to use the help forum for that kind of thing. A lot of people are willing to help out.
Okay, I edited it the best I can. I hope it sounds better now than my first draft.
I think it's a lot better. I fixed some typos and approved it.