Requesting another translation check. ^^ I tried using fouler and more casual language than before. Hope it's okay. Also, there's an old man in this chapter who talks kinda weird, so I'm not sure if the way I translated his speech was able to capture the original tone.
Ahhh, the chapter you asked me about. And it's a chapter that shows just how freaking difficult gag manga is to translate. Again, it's really noble of you to take care of these chapters that no one else dares to touch.
A prime example of how difficult this is shows up on the very first page:
The can is—
缶ふんだ=I stepped on the can. That's the base sentence, even though the frame depicts her kicking it. There are two puns in just this one opening frame. Both of which can't be translated into English.
1) The female character is Chinese, and "Kung Fu" (カンフー; pronouced kanfuu) the stereotypical Chinese past-time, sounds a lot like 缶ふん(だ). Hence the jumping kick and the Bruce Lee-esque shout; ちょおお.
2) The other one is だぱんぷ (Da Pump). The author is connecting the "だ" from 缶ふんだ and だぱんぷ, and Da Pump is the name of a Japanese boy band (try googling it). I think a TL note is in order here. At least for the Da Pump part.
The improvement from the previous chapter is quite visible, and I don't see the need for me to go through the whole thing this time. Just a couple notes:
― この度は ご愁傷様です
This time, it’s Shuushou-sama.
You misunderstood this part. This is a common phrase used in Japan to express sympathy at a funeral. So try something like "I'm sorry for your loss"
Putting "Old" before "geezer" is superfluous. Geezer already means "old man."
― 缶蹴りで 一人の獲物を深追いするなんて 愚の骨頂
In kick-the-can, chasing after only one person for too long is a big mistake!
Nothing really wrong with this part, but 愚の骨頂 is a really strong and interesting phrase, and "big mistake" is a little weak in comparison. I think you can exaggerate more, especially given that this is such a ridiculous manga to begin with. A lot of things would work, I personally would use "pinnacle of stupidity."
Flow can always be tweaked and improved in any translation. Here's an example where I think the flow is really nice:
Sergeant!! Let’s court-martial this loser!
Spot on accurate, and the sentence structure is even the same to boot. Nice flow. Next, a spot where it can be improved:
― 覚えてないなら 無理しないでくれる？ つーかアナタ お葬式に なんて格好で来てんの
If you don’t remember it, then don’t lie to me. Moreover, what kind of outfit do you think you’re wearing at a funeral?
You translated visually, splitting up the Japanese into blocks, and then connecting them with punctuation. That's a perfectly legitimate way to start off, but it shouldn't end there. Rework the sentences to create better flow, and consider that the tone is very casual. And "Moreover" isn't something a young girl like that would say.
suggestion=You don't need to lie if you don't remember. Anyways, that's no outfit to wear to a funeral.
Try looking over it again with some of this in mind. I personally like the fouler language better (maybe I've just been hanging out with the wrong people) but consider that "ジジイ" isn't a very nice thing to say even without "クソ" in front of it. So "Gramps" is too kind.