Starting Up a Comdey adventure Manga

[Zadenwings]

The story is about Noma Strike. In Noma’s world government is pretty much none existent. Large corporations own everything even the cities. There is very little mass transport outside of trains and cars in city limits because the government doses not have the tax dollars to built high ways. Noma is there heiress to Pandelous Motor, the largest manufacturer of automobiles. Noma dose not wish to run the company but wishes to leave it to her sister. She is a good leader but she wishes to be free and feels pressured by the situation. She decides to run away and join GetQuik (name in progress). GetQuick delivers anything the normal postal service would not take.

The other Main character is Damion Sobieraj but he prefers to be called Sobie. Sobie is from the year 2110 one hundred years ahead of Noma’s time. In his world there was a great war between two factions that left the world in ruins. The surface is uninhabitable and humanity lives in floating cities. Humanity made contact with aliens but there lust for power led them to be exiled from the rest of the universe. There cities started failing one by one. When Sobie was 14 it was announced that his city that was the last on the planet could only support life for 32 more years. All other option proved to be futile, so a theorist came up with a path to salvation; they would use a form of time travel. The theory states that you can recreate a period of time in a pocket universe. This pocket universe will only last for a small amount of time (a few months) and then the universe will try to correct the error by replacing the original time with the duplicate thus changing the future. This method also required an anchor that would keep the alternate time stable. If the anchor is destroyed then the pocket universe is destroyed thus nullifying the change. Sobie is a member of the City Armed Forces and a historical culture major. It is decided that Sobie will be sent to the past to confront the anchor (In this case Noma) and follow her to learn exactly what caused his horrid time and stop it.

The story begins on Noma’s first day on the job, at this point Sobie has been waiting for three weeks for a chance to get close to her. Sobie set’s up Noma so that she fails her first mission putting the two of them in debt. With Both now in debt they start there journey together; Noma looking for what she thinks she wants in life and Sobie to save his future. Along the way there run into a few characters that join there team. Each of them also represent a fault that mirrors that of people running there world. Noma also learns what life is like for the average person. Throughout the story we see the state of the world decline. Corporate take overs, monopolies and personal agendas send the world towards an inevitable war. Part of the way thru the story one of the electric companies tries to take over Pandelous motor and there plan involves destroying the Strike Family which holds the controlling stock in the company. This get worst when City Armed Forces find out that there theory on time travel was incorrect. They find that the alternate universe will replace there current time not the one it is a duplicate of. They decided they must destroy Noma who is the anchor. Sobie disagrees with them. He believes that his time should be erased as it is the only way to save humanity from extinction. Both enemies come bearing down on our heroes as they attempt to Put Noma back to her rightful place.

The story concludes with Noma deciding to Take charge and change the world for the better as chairwomen of Pandelous Motor. Noma’s time replaces Sobie’s and all remnants of it are wiped from existence including Sobie. We jump 100 years into the future and find a man similar to Sobie entering a large building. This Man is pitching a manga very similar to the events of this story to a publisher. Inside the office we find a photograph of Noma Sobie and there team. When the man resembling Sobie ask about it he is told it’s a photo taken of Noma Strike and her friends. He explains that this manga publisher was created in honor of one of her friends who died shortly after her rise to power. The man resembling Sobie claims to have a feeling of relief when looking upon the photo and the story ends.

<a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/us/"><img alt="Creative Commons License" style="border-width:0" src="http://i.creativecommons.org/l/by-nc-nd/3.0/us/88x31.png" /></a><br />This <span xmlns:dc="http://purl.org/dc/elements/1.1/" href="http://purl.org/dc/dcmitype/Text" rel="dc:type">work</span> by <span xmlns:cc="http://creativecommons.org/ns#" property="cc:attributionName">Alexandria Golden, Allan Carter</span> is licensed under a <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/us/">Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License</a>.

[Strawman]

Constructive criticism -

As far as the time travel goes, that is a difficult subject to do well. In your outline it seems to be symbolic of the effect people have on the world around them. They change one person's life, and those changes only increase over time. When the husband dies, the bad guys he brought about all fade away. When the good guys make a new friend, that person is around to help them for a long time. While both good and evil can use this to their advantage, good ends out on top because it inspired genuine loyalty from people. This can be seen in Sobie switching sides near the end. Because of all the logic problems that time travel runs into, its important to know why you're putting it into a story. This way it can help the plot, rather than hinder it.

There seem to be pacing difficulties. Alot is happening early in the story, but the second half is one giant plot arc. It may be good to expand on points 0-G while incorporating more foreshadowing of the main plot arc. The lost love seems to be tacked on as a side note. Also, it's hard to tell with just an outline, but I'm not sure that Point O is necessary.

The art needs a lot of work, but I'm comparing it to professional manga right now.

Plain ol' compliments-

The story is the kind of thing that could be told well in manga form, and it hasn't been done to death either. If the plot is properly polished, it could be really compelling.

The artwork is unique in a subtle way. The face is good, but the way the body is drawn impresses me. The style of drawing is realistic, but it is not so detailed that it would be difficult to keep up on a long term project. The line use is appropriately conservative.

Overall the idea looks pretty good. I look forward to seeing the work as it progresses. Good luck with it.

[Zadenwings]

Thank you very much. We both love your reply. It was very thoughtful. Most people that read this on DA did not really think before the replied. Your was the most thought out, as well it helped us clarify somethings we debated with each other. Thank you.