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Thread: The Shadow Within

  1. #1
    Registered User 初心者/ Shoshinsha / Beginner Schawn Lamode's Avatar
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    The Shadow Within

    I just realized that what I am doing is bascially a combination between a story and a manga.....So, I figured it only be best if I write it here also. I hope this won't be considered sam, seeing as it fits in either category.

    This is a Written/scripted manga me and my friend have been working on for around a year and a half. After a long time of messing up, coming up with ideas, quitting and coming back, We have finally started posting pages. This is the 1st of 7, so far. We plan the series to last 675 pages (3 parts, with 15 chapters per part, and 15 pages per chapter.) with each page being as long, or longer, than the average Anime Episode. I am looking for people right now to read and give critiques on this, for me and my friend have to make sure it is good in other people's eyes besides ourselves, so critisicm(good or bad) would help. Here is the first page.
    ------T-------S--------W---------

    The Shadow Within: Page 1: The Beginning

    ???: You're leaving? But why, when are you coming back?

    ???: Well, I don't know. I guess when you'll need me the most, Zeeku.

    Zeeku: But you're the infamous Serge Koraiga. What if you get caught, or worse. Killed by The Nexan?

    Serge: Zeeku, don't worry. Lets just say that they aren't able to catch me.

    Zeeku: But, you're not that good. It would be suicide.

    A voice is heard coming from a hallway near the room.

    ???: If he wants to leave his fifteen and sixteen year old kids all alone in the continent of Dodaedon, how it is now, then that's his choice, Zeeku.

    The voice, who is from Schawn, Zeeku's brother, directs his attention towards Serge.

    Schawn: Serge, remember this, though. If you leave, then don't even think about coming back. For you see, we will never forgive you.

    Zeeku: Schawn, are you mentally challenged? Have you already forgotten what Serge has done for us, and especially you?

    Schawn: It doesn't matter to me what he has done for us. If he is just going to leave us here to rot, then I don't want him to come back!

    Serge: It doesn't matter what you two say, or do. I'm going to leave anyways. Just make sure not to follow me, or there will be major consequences.

    Zeeku goes to grab Serge's arm, but as he grabs it, Serge begins to slowly fade away.

    Zeeku: He's.....gone.

    As soon as Zeeku finishes his words, loud, ear shattering, pounding can be heard at the door. Schawn and Zeeku both look towards the door, as the pounding stops. After a few seconds, the door is kicked open and about five medium sized men, and one kind of tall man wearing a Nicer Uniform, who is a Nexan Commander, barge into the house with guns drawn. One of the soldiers has a piece of paper in his other hand. Schawn begins to back away, and Zeeku stands up to face the soldiers.

    Zeeku: What are you doing? This is trespassing. Get out of our house!

    Commander: How dare a worthless child speak to Nexan Soldiers like that! We are able to go anywhere, at any time.

    The guard with the paper in his hand, looks at the paper, and then looks up to Zeeku.

    Guard: Don't worry, we aren't here to harm you. We are just here looking for Serge Koraiga, traitor to the Nexan Empire. By any chance, do you know who he is, or where he is?

    Zeeku: Well, Serge is our father, and we don't know where he is at the moment.

    Schawn steps forward and drags Zeeku backwards and begins whispering to him in an angry tone.

    Schawn: Are you dumb, Zeeku? Don't give them any information. They'll kill us!

    Zeeku completely ignores Schawn, and continues to speak with the soldiers.

    Zeeku: I will give you any information you want to know about Serge, but only on one condition.

    Commander: We're thankful for that peice of information you gave, but we aren't making any deals with Non-Nexan scum. How about this. You give us all the information you have about Serge in about five seconds, and maybe, just maybe, my men here won't kill you, and your brother back there.

    Schawn: Are you serious? Is that supposed to be some sort of threat?

    The Commander begins laughing and the soldiers begin laughing, also.

    Commander: You make me laugh, kid. Guards, Kill them both. We don't need the info that bad.

    Zeeku runs, and jumps towards the commander, as the guns begin firing at him.
    Zeeku: Schawn!! Get out of here, now!

    As Zeeku gets close enough to the Commander, the commander simply just punches Zeeku in the stomach, sending Zeeku flying through the wall of the house. Schawn's get really big, and a spark of anger hits Schawn.

    Schawn: No, Zeeku!! You Nexan soldiers are going to pay!

    Schawn holds his right arm out and he yells "Shadow Lancer", and a black shadow speedily rushes down his arm forming a blade.

    Commander: A kid Gen user? How did a kid get this kind of power, and how did we not capture him? Guards, hurry up, and kill him!

    As soon as the commander finishes his sentence, Schawn appears in front of the commander. He charges his bladed right arm towards the commander, but the commander simply blocks the blade, catching the blade in the middle of his gun, and he slings Schawn through the front door but Schawn lands on his feet, in a sliding motion.

    Commander: Hmmmmm, I'll be killing one more person today. I'd had hoped to not get my hands too dirty.

    Schawn reappears a few feet in front of the Commander.

    Schawn: AHHHHHHHHHHH!

    Schawn rushes at him again but as the commander goes to block it again, Schawn slices through the gun with his Shadow Lancer and slugs the Commander in the jaw with his fist. The Commander slides back a few feet, and Schawn recharges towards him and aims to slice through his stomach, but instead, only slices through the Commander's shirt.

    Commander: (Looks like I may have to watch out for this one. I might actually have to start trying.)

    The Commander slings his broken gun at Schawn, who dodges it, and the Commander pulls out a sword handle.

    Commander: Well, it's not polite for me not to tell you my name before you die. My name is Zacchias Arsen, Royal Commander of the Nexan Army. And this sword handle will be the weapon that takes your life. Be prepared.

    Zacchias swiftly dashes towards Schawn, holding the handle to the side, and then swings it at Schawn, but Schawn jumps out of the way simultaneously, dodging Zaccias. Zacchias quickly turns around, and he smacks Schawn with the side of the blade sending Schawn flying into a wall of wanted list fliers for the Nexan. Blood begins pouring from Schawn's mouth

    Schawn: Wha.. What was that....?

    Zacchias: That is my Gen. The Hypnogen. It allows me to control things with my mind, and do as I wish. Like not slashing through your puny body when I hit you with my impervious sword.

    A guard comes up to Zacchias.

    Guard: What are we supposed to do? It seems like you have this taken care of.

    Zacchias: Just go check on that other kid. If he's any bit as tough as this one, then he should be getting up by now. Those are your orders.

    The Guards walk over toward Zeeku, who is still out cold.

    Guard: Well, he's still knocked out. I wonder what we do with him.

    As the guard finishes speaking, Zeeku begins slowly moving, and then he opens his eyes fully, and they are coal black. The Guards raise their guns, and they start shooting at Zeeku, but he quickly moves out of the way of the blasts, and rips a rusted pipe off of the wall. He appears on one of the guards back.

    Zeeku: Are you ready to die?

    Zeeku, then stabs the rusted pipe through the guard's back, and slides it sideways slicing through the guards chest, killing him instantly. Zeeku then drops to the ground, and hits the ground with both fists, and four enormous shadow spikes come out of the ground, stabbing through three of the guards, killing them, leaving only one guard left. The guard drops his gun, and begins to beg for his life.

    Guard: Don't kill me. Please...please. I have a wife and kids.

    Zeeku: Don't worry. I'll make sure that you see them again.

    Zeeku holds out his hand, towards the guard, and then yells "Bone Crusher!!", crushing every bone in the guards face. The guard falls to the ground with a loud thud, as Zacchias looks over and sees all his guards dead. He starts to run towards Zeeku, holding out his sword handle.

    Zacchias: Looks like I have to do everything personally, if I want anything done. And it also looks like I may have to kill once more.

    Schawn: I wouldn't be so sure of that.

    Schawn quickly appears in front of Zeeku and jumps over Zacchias.

    Zacchias: Looks like you did the right thing by running, you coward.

    Schawn: Hmmph.

    Schawn turns back, and stabs his Shadow Lancer right through Zacchias's right shoulder, which sends Zacchias to the ground. Schawn pulls his arm out, and jumps backwards.

    Zacchias: Alright. Now, you've pissed me off!!

    Zacchias dissapears and instantly reappears in front of Schawn and slashes straight across his stomach with his sword, knocking Schawn to the ground. Zeeku gets infuriated.

    Zeeku: I have had enough with you!

    Zeeku appears in front of Zacchias, and begins meleeing punches, blasting him in the gut multiple times, and then begins nailing him in the face several times. Then in one motion, Zeeku hits the ground and yells "Shadow Spikes!" The spikes begin to chase Zacchias everywhere he goes, but Zacchias jumps onto the roof holding his arm.

    Zacchias: I'm in no condition to fight him. His brother was one thing, but he's on a whole different level!

    Zeeku appears behind Zacchias, and kicks Zacchias off the roof, sending Zacchias flying, and Zacchias hits the ground hard. Zeeku, then jumps off of the roof, and walks over towards Zacchias and holds his hand out to his arm and yells "Bone Crusher", crushing Zacchias's arm until there is nothing more. Then Zeeku holds it to Zacchias's other arm and to his legs, crushing every limb in Zacchias's arms and legs until he is completely immobilized. Zeeku stands over Zacchias's chest.

    Zeeku: I'm going to enjoy this.

    Zacchias: Well, then what are you waiting for? Do it now! Kill me!

    Zeeku then puts out his hand out and crushes Zacchias's face, killing him instantly. Exactly after killing Zacchias, Zeeku falls over to the ground and is passed out.

    ~~Later~~

    Zeeku's eyes can be seen to be open, to see a figure standing above him.

    ???: Hey, get up Zeeku! We have to move now!! They're coming.

    (To be continued- The Shadow Within: Page 2: True Power.)
    ----------T------------S--------------W---------
    Visit my site and read my Written/scripted manga at http://www.theshadowwithin.forumotion.com

  2. #2
    Registered User 初心者/ Shoshinsha / Beginner
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    Re: The Shadow Within

    A very nice story and i also like the fact that there's a cliff hanger at the end of the first chapter(will they get captured or not ) but would you introduce people with other kind of powers?

  3. #3
    Registered User 下級員 / Kakyuuin / Jr. Member Syphilias's Avatar
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    Re: The Shadow Within

    I don't know if it would be considered Sam either, he is quite aware of the fact that he is not a story.

  4. #4
    Registered User 有名人 / Yuumeijin / Celebrity Xadyu's Avatar
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    Re: The Shadow Within

    First, I most comment on how this isn't a manga and a page can't be as long as an anime episode. Do I need to explain, sure hope not.

    Second, the story is kind of interesting, if you changed the way of the writing it could really be better then it now is. For a story like this you can write it more like an actual book, instead of keeping the dialogue's apart from the story.

  5. #5
    Registered User 下級員 / Kakyuuin / Jr. Member Syphilias's Avatar
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    Re: The Shadow Within

    Very well done. I like how you give the images quite well in the battle scene. Can't wait to read more!

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