Normally I am not too picky about which movies I go to see at the movies. Overall rather than being nitpicky about it I try to enjoy myself with my friends or whoever I am at the movies with(I usually go to the movies once a week). Only movies I recently outright refused to see at the movies was twilight and harry potter(even though I read every book) because experienced taught me not even spending time with people I care for is worth that. Anyways, the other day I ended watching snowhite and the huntsmen. Overall I care little about the names of the people in movies(which is weird considering how often I go), I generally only remember names from movies I either really liked or really hated. Still, when I went to watch this movie all I knew was that they guy from thor was in it and it was supposed to be a somewhat darker version of the traditional story. Overall I kinda enjoyed the beginning of the movie. It made sense with what I knew of the story and set a decent tone. Then I saw kirsten steward was in it. I gave myself hope that the movie wouldn't be a waste considering it was actually plausible (at that point) she could act without looking constipated (which has been her only feature in the 2 twilight movies I did watch and is likely to be her only feature in the 2 I won't watch) and transmit actual emotions and feelings through her performance. Now, as her first scene ended I could only notice one thing. She looked heavily constipated. Had I not seen 2 twilight movies I would have assumed it had something to do with prison food however this was evidently not the case. Just before this I noticed odd (by which I mean outright nonsense). The leaky mirror (I admit I enjoyed that special effect though) from which the dementor came out made a point out of snowhite being of age and fairer than the evil queen. I immediately though, ok, that makes sense with everything about snowhite but then there was something stranger there (which might be subjetive but still). What exactly did the mirror mean by fairer? Given that this is a fairy tale it would make sense for the mirror to be talking about inner beauty but that plainly does not make sense. Any woman in the kingdom would have more inner beauty than the remorseless narcissistic mass murdering maiden-heart eating queen. We even had a scene of her eating a birds raw heart to show how evil she was (even though we had seen her do other less disgusting evil before). Now, the alternative would be that the mirror was talking about physical beauty. This is subjective but I do not buy that steward was actually prettier or fairer than the queen. On an objective note, no one looks attractive when your face looks like you are constipated from 6 years of prison food.
Now, soon enough we see snowhite escape from prison using a nail which she removed from the wall using her super strength from being in prison 6 years without any walking space(her strained face suggests that while pulling the nail she was actually pushing something else) by attacking the queen's brother who looks suspiciously like a pedophile (he is not an actual pedophile though, he just wants to take advantage of the caged princess half his age or less). Then she runs out of the unguarded tower (really?), then outruns a bunch of guards at the courtyard or something and mcgyvers her way into a sewer. Of course the sewer leads to the ocean to which she jumps and then swims towards freedom against violent sea currents in a way which would put Michael Phelps on cocaine to shame. All of it with the sheer physical capacity that jail food (which presumably is mean enough to have her maintain her constipated face through a chase scene) and not moving should give her.
Of course after all of this everyone is in hot pursuit of her but a magic white horse just happens to appear. This is still acceptable because the story is indeed based on a fairy tale. She runs off on her noble steed only to have it get swallowed by mud or a bog or something (which would have been the most emotional scene of the movie had it lasted 2 seconds longer) at the entrance of the dark forest or something something evil. Two absurd things happen here. The first is that the dark forest (where the queen has no power) does not seem actually magical and everything evil about it seems to be related to mushroom spores or something. I guess it is possible they were magical spores (but that would the point of that be?). Then we see the hunter find snowhite, take a desicion about whether to hand her over to the queen only to decide against it and take on some 5 dudes on his own. At this point we find out that the queens brother is actually something about as power as captain america rigged with immortality steroids which leads to him beating up thor the hunter who is only saved because pedo-brother fell on the ambiguously magical spores and hallucinates wannabe Tim Burton nightmares (which indentally, snowwhite also did before).
Then snowhite and the hunter escape together.
On an interesting scene after agreeing to kinda help snowhite the hunter walks up to her and rips off her skirt. At this point I couldn't help but wonder whether I was ignorant about middle age dresses and they all came with leader pants and boots or this guy was about to make a move on her. How did he know the princess's dress had pants and boots under it? Or was he about to force himself on her but was turned off by how badly it must have smelled down there after being a prisoner for some reason and running all that distance through a dark forest with free drugs while wearing a princess dress and leader pants? I guess that in fairy tales the damsel in distress thing is so standard than princesses are equipped with all purpose clothes at all times.
Now there is one of the more ridiculous scenes in the movie, the troll fight (in which the troll is an actual monster hiding by a bridge and not snowhite arguing or fighting the hunter). The trolls proceeds to do troll stuff (by which I mean physically destroy stuff, not the internet counterpart which does the same but to life and everyone's IQs) and beats up the hunter. By this point snowhite awkwardly walks in, gives him a constipated look with her clearly in pain eyes due to constipation and the troll walks away. This is so overwhelmingly absurd I refuse to comment on it further.
Later on the dwarfs befriend snowhite and the hunter and lead them to a magical forest inhabited by magical fairies and critters. There were at least 3 moments where I thought that snowhite would start singing and have animals move and fly around her however this did not happen. My guess is that singing does not work well with a constipated face and perhaps not even autotune can make kirsten steward sing. Then we see the gang moving on forward as the forest gets more magical. Then we see two birds giving birth to smeagel and gollum from their stomachs(to be fair, I didn't mention the stuff the 2 birds from which they came out did but it was still pretty disturbing). And yeah, the two fairies looked like golum with botox. Then we see the fairies not being important for the rest of the movie. Right after that we see snowhite meeting bambi's father who gives her his blessing (because bambi's father is badass). Then they get found by the queen's men and bambi's dad gets shot with an arrow.
Afterwards snowhite gets reunited with her childhood friend (which I did not mention before but is there). Later on nothing in particular happens but she ends up with him, alone, in the woods. They share a moment and snowhite bits an apple which he happened to have. Then it is revealed that the queen transformed into him and had given her a poison apple. Strangely, the poisoned apple transforms into a hairy soap after being bitten. snowhite died. The childhood friend who is also the son of the duke which is the closest thing to a prince in the movie kisses her but nothing happens. At this point edward team in the audience screamed in outrage and jacob team finally got a break (and I died a little inside at the realization that I spend enough time on the internet to know there is an edward and jacob team even though I have never touched the books).
Then we see snowhite's body being exhibited with only thor being there. Presumably everyone else noted the constipated face and no one wanted to be there when her organs or whatnot relaxed and six years of prison food were released. The hunter walks up to her, admits to being in love with her and kisses her cold dead body. Because that should not be creepy to the audience. Then he walks away and shortly afterwards snowhite revives. At this point team edward was staring blankly at the floor. I could only help but wonder if snowhite had picked the hunter who treated her like crap and actually did nothing throughout the movie in spite of being one of the title characters because she was a rich princess to begin with contrary to the twighlight series where the emo guy was the loaded one.
At this point snowhite walks up to the people and gives a speech with a constipated expression which fails at being inspiring. Everyone agrees to go to war. And then snowhite transforms into xena. Because prison food and being imprisoned for years does nothing to your physical condition. Then they get to the castle, they fight with the queen's army, snowhite fights the queen and kills her. To me the crowing moment of the movie were the last 5 second of the movie where snowhite was made the queen. There is a closeup on her face where we see her exceedingly constipated face and then a smile of relief at which point I assumed she just took a dump.
Originally Posted by baboysai
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orkness Rising.
. It's the completely ludicrous action scenes like that that make me look forward to the next Expendables movie.
