Allo everybody, im relatively new here but i was hoping to get some feed back on a manga i have been writing of recent, i put up some replies with the info i have typed out and chapter one aswell..
id like to hear what you all think, what i should fix or even if i should continue with the story line.
thanks for reading everybody!
Very Very Quick World Description:
Nuclear war breaks out in the year 2087 after countries hostile to the United States gain control of nuclear power. War ensues and we all die whoo hoo. Most world powers were able to construct shelters thought they’re land to protect as many people as possible. The United States had 24 different shelters labeled Alpha though Omega. Most of the shelters survived the war and people throughout the world reemerged to the surface world in the year 2342. Life resumed its self on earth though there were a few changes. Because of the extreme radiation caused by the wars, not a single life form on earth was left unaltered. The two most prevalent things were that some species were mixing with each other, and other species where mutating beyond recognition. Human kind was not a stranger to these mutations, though they were much less severe due to the time spent underground. Because the earth had become so hostile people had to band together to survive. Order was needed to keep people from killing each other so a church like governing body was created. This “church” put all other life as the enemies of humans allowing people find a common enemy and work together. This plan was extremely effective but had one flaw. The people born with mutations were left to be called out as traitors to the human race and were usually put up for public execution. This practice became tradition and the governing body became more and more like a church, creating deities and beliefs from the scraps of literature left behind in the ruins of earth. As time went on scraps of old world technology were found, and observed as magic or miracles to the people of the shelter civilizations. Few understood they’re workings though the most simplistic or the ones with instructions left behind quickly became great sources of commerce. The most plentiful of this old technology was weapons left behind from the war. Huge military stockpiles of weapons, and other basic equipment were found across countries. Though weapons are all well and good not too much else was left behind that was not military issue. Of recent years there have been rumors of a small group of rebels, fighting against the religion of the land. This group made up mostly of mutants or Chimera as they’re called by the people has given rise to a new hope for the out casts of society. This hope is bringing out Chimera from the shadows and cellars of the shelters in search of this new community that promises a life that can be lived freely.
Note: Being a Chimera has nothing to do with genetics or lineage. Parents can be human and have a chimer child or Chimera parents can have a human child, doesn’t matter. The effect comes from the radiated environment. Also the mutations caused by being a Chimera are completely random and can either be general mutations (extra limbs, deformities etc.) or a mixture of another living species. This is how Cronus can be a plant Chimera while Chione and Rhea are both animal Chimera.
Chione Rhomartin (Goes by Chio most of the time)-
Chimera: Snow Leopard
Physical Traits: Shoulder length White Hair whit gray leopard spots, Leopard ears with black tips, leopard tail with same coloring style. Bright blue eyes (cat’s eye style) as well as very pale skin. Shorter than average, but a very lithe build.
Character traits: very proud of her leopard traits though she can’t show them off, sensitive about being short and relatively flat chested. Easily frustrated when she can’t figure something out but overall relatively quiet because she is used to hiding herself from people. Doesn’t like to ask for help with things and really doesn’t like the heat.
Weapon and Combat Style:
Ring Daggers (multiple for fighting and throwing) [combat style daggers ie: blade shape and handle material]
Leopard Style Kung Fu (speed based attacks with reversal based defenses) taught to her by her father
White hooded cloak, sleeves are torn off at shoulder and tail is ragged, there is a black Chi-Rho symbol painted on the back. Inside of the jacket has slots to hold extra ring daggers. Jacket tail ends in the middle of her calve
Black tank top with white stenciling, black cargo shorts and loose black boots under the cloak
Chimera: Desert Ironwood
Physical Traits: Light bluish green hair, tall with a slightly muscular build, and brown eyes. Most human looking of the group. Hair is kept short so it can be hidden by a hat easily; this allows him to move around in towns if he is careful.
Note: Because he is a plant type chimera he doesn’t eat food, instead he conducts photo synthesis though his green hair. He can eat food if he needs to for energy but it makes sense to save it for the other two.
Character Traits: mature demeanor and the most knowledgeable survival wise of the group. Likes to poke fun at the girls. Tends to be over protective over both the girls as well. Keeps a level head and knows what he’s doing, even if he’s joking around. Usually the one who keeps the group running (camp, food, supplies etc. though Chione takes over cooking considering Cronus doesn’t eat it and thus tends to make very bad tasting food)
Weapon and Combat Style:
Two handed axe (looks like a tomahawk) with a blade on one side and a hammer on the other. The blade its self is reflective unlike a regular axe… (important when fighting energy weapons)
His fighting style is haphazard but effective, he taught himself so he often goes to Chione for help with this subject
Light brown flannel shirt hanging open and un-tucked over a white t-shirt, jeans and brown hiking boots with the jeans over the top of the boots. The wrists of the flannel shirt are loose and partially torn.
Brown cowboy hat hangs on a large camelback style backpack that he wears. The tomahawk can also be tucked into the side of the pack.
Chimera: Red-Tailed Hawk
Physical Traits: Brown hair that ends in red tips (similar in style to a mixture of Ryoko and Jet the Hawk) Circular Yellow eyes (very large iris) Tall and thin body, averagely endowed but enough to get on Chione’s nerves.
Note: find way to make her have more aspects of a hawk
Character traits: Rowdy and fun loving, doesn’t like to do work at all. Loses interest in things quickly and only shows patience when aiming at a target. Overall a carefree demeanor and likes to leave problems to her brother when they appear. Though she is relatively unreliable, she is the exact opposite in combat (cool, collected, efficient, and unforgiving)
Weapons and Combat Style:
Dual energy pistols (need a better name for energy based weapons T-T) the pistols are powered by a battery kept in her backpack, and can me manually recharged using a crank that sticks out of the side of her backpack. They can also be combined together to create a long range rifle version (the goggles Rhea wear act as the scope for this form of her weapons)
Also created her own fighting style, though she practices regularly and doesn’t rely on hand to hand combat enough to need help from Chione
Wears jeans torn at the knee on both legs, a dark green military like jacket with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows. The jacket hangs to her middrift and is open. Under the jacket she wears a black band shirt that is torn slightly and hangs just above her belt. She also wears black gloves with the index and middle fingers of each torn off.
Wears a large backpack housing the battery that powers her weapons. There are red cords that hang between the bottom sides of her backpack and the pistols, and there’s a crank sticking out of the left side. Rhea is also all ways wearing a pair of goggles on her forehead, they look telescopic with differing lenses on both sides, there is also a cord that travels between the right side of her goggles to the top of her backpack, and the cord is able to be disconnected.
---Chapter 1: Life in Shelter Rho---
Dad: Chione, you might want to hurry up or else you’re going to miss it.
*Chione is rushing through the house grabbing her stuff; she checks a standing mirror quickly as she runs by. Dinally she meets her dad at the front door to her apartment cave like thingy (which is on the outskirts of the shelter village)*
Chione: Ok, I think that’s everything.
*Dad looks her over, checking clothes and such then zips the back of her jacket down hiding her tail and pulls her hood up and over her ears*
Dad: Hood’s on, jacket’s zipped up… you have some of your daggers on you?
Chione: Yes Dad
*Dad turns Chione back towards his and puts his hands on her shoulders*
Dad: Now Chione, listen. Don’t let anyone see your ears or your tail. I mean anyone. They will try to kill you on the spot and I would like to have you home tomorrow. You still owe me a dinner remember?
*Chione laughs and hugs her dad*
Chione: All right Dad, I’ll be careful.
*Chione bends down and pats her little brother on the head (he just ran up to his dads side while Chione was being inspected)
Chione: You have some fun tonight with Daddy ok? I’ll be back later tonight.
*her little brother looks down, kind of sad looking*
Little Brother: Ok… Bye Sis
*Chione heads out the door and a bit down the street, her dad and little brother follow her to just out the door*
Chione: Bye Dad!
*Chione starts running down the street then her dad calls after her *
Dad: Chione! …Happy Birthday sweetie. *dad and the little brother are smiling and waving goodbye*
*Chione turns around a backpedals a bit*
Chione: Thanks Daddy! *waving with a big smile*
*Chione turns around and runs down the street into the village/town*
*Chione comes out of a small alley into the village square where there is a large bonfire, a band playing music and plenty of couples dancing*
Chione Thinking: Good, I didn’t miss the festival yet.
*Chione smiles and walks over to a corner of the square with only a few people and leans against the wall to watch the people dancing*
Chione Thinking: I’m so happy Dad let me come to the Winter Solstice. It must be because it’s on my birthday this year. He doesn’t have to worry about me so much though; I can take care of myself if I have to. He’s all ways so strict about where I can go and what I can do. I practically never get to go out on my own. I guess it just means he cares though… He probably doesn’t want what happened to Mom to happen to me-
*A young man approaches Chione and extends his hand to her bowing slightly*
Dancing Teen: Excuse me miss, but uh… I was wondering if you would join me for this next dance.
*Chione looks a little panicked as the teen says this*
Chione Thinking: Oh crap! He’s talking to me! I can’t go dancing I’ll stand out too much! --- Well if I only go for one song nothing can happen right? I have all ways wanted to do this, might as well take my chance.(!)
*Chione takes her hand and starts walking towards the dancers with the teen. They get into classic waltz position and Chione has a worried look on her face*
Dancing Teen: Don’t Worry if you can’t dance too well, just follow my lead and you’ll be fine. *soft encouraging smile on his face*
*The dance begins and Chione slowly gets into it, becoming more confident as the song goes on. Finally the big finale of the song and then end with the teen twisting Chione down into the classic ending pose where she is horizontal with the floor and the teen is bending over her. She is having a great time but then her hood falls off her head and the teen drops her on the ground*
Dancing Teen: You…You have Ears!
*Chione gets up and backs away slowly with her hands up and a guilty “oh crap” smile on her face
Chione: Err… yah most people have ears.
*someone in the crows screams and every freezes to stare at Chione*
Crowd 1: It’s a Chimera!
Crowd 2: Run! Everybody Run!
Crowd 3: Someone kill it quick before it attacks!
*A sword flies out of the crown towards Chione. She jumps back, her cloak flying open as she grabs two Ring daggers from inside. She lands with her arms crossed in a low crouch (defensive looking). Another sword comes from the crowd from Chione’s left. She blocks with her left dagger and grabs the man’s arm with her right hand, pulling him into the empty space that’s formed; he lands on his shoulders and rolls onto his back, the sword slides on the ground stopping just past him. Chione sees the space in the crowd left by the guy she pulled away and darts through it. She runs through the town with more armed citizens chasing after her, though small alleys until she ends up in a dead end. She can hear the guys chasing after her when a door opens on her right and Cronus stick his head out.*
Cronus: What’s going on out he- Ears!
Chione: Yes, I have ea-
Cronus: Quick, in here!
*Cronus grabs Chione’s arm and pulls her in, the door slamming shut behind her*
Chione: What the hell!
Cronus: Shhh! *putting his hand against her mouth*
*the guys chasing Chione are heard running past the door thinking she’s farther down the outside street*
Cronus: I’m going to take my hand off your mouth… be sure to be quite or they’ll her you. Ok?
*Chione nods and Cronus takes his hand off Chione’s mouth. She takes in a big gasp of air and coughs a little.*
Cronus: Hey Rhea, you can come out now!
*some shuffling is heard and then a loud bang as Rhea falls out of the closet on the other side of the room*
Cronus: *laughing* I think I’ll give that a seven there Rhea, could use some more practice on your form!
*Rhea jumps up and smacks Cronus on the back of his head*
Rhea: Jerk! Why’d you shove me in the damn closet!
Cronus: Well you can’t really pass as human now can you Rhea, also… It was hilarious!
Rhea: YOU BAS-
Chione: Uh, excuse me?
Rhea: Errr… (Same time as Cronus)
Cronus: Yes kitten?
Chione Thinking: Kitten??? (Same time as below)
Chione: Ok, who are you people?
*Cronus grabs Rhea and wraps his arm around her shoulder*
Cronus: Well, My name is Cronus. And this bundle of joy here is my sister Rhea. We’re travelers from Shelter Tau.
Chione: *giving a funny look to Rhea*Right…next question, why did you help me?
Cronus: What, people can’t help each other in this shelter?
Chione: Well no but… I’m a chimera; People don’t usually offer to help when they see me. * looking kind of down and to the side*
Cronus: There’s your answer, we’re Chimera too! Can’t you tell by the green hair and miss crazy eyes over there? *Rhea growls at Cronus and walks back over to the closet where her back pack is sitting, she starts to fiddle with her pistols*
Chione: Well… I guess that makes sense. Thank you then, for saving me back there.
Cronus: No prob uhhh… Say, you never told us your name.
Chione: Oh, it’s Chione. Chione Rhomartin.
Cronus: Chione… Hmm. That won’t do, from now on I’ll call you Chio!
Chione: Chio?!? Wait, what’s wrong with Chione?
*Cronus grins and sits down on a box relaxing*
Cronus: It’s not cute enough, obviously.
Cronus: So Chio, with you being a Chimera like us, I was wondering something.
Chione: Uhh… Sure, what is it?
Cronus: Have you ever heard of Shelter Delta?
---End chapter One---
Last edited by scytis81; May 03, 2010 at 10:26 AM.
Reason: Automerged Doublepost