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Translations: Bleach 595 (2)
Its an awesome idea
Its a good idea but needs to be reworked
Its a terrible idea and i should never have thought of it
so heres the first part, and i m new to this so any all criticism is welcome.
also do to that fact that i have the artistic ability of 5 year old im in need of an artist so if any one is interested.......
He let out a long sigh, releasing the ash and smoke back into the air. He just sat there, hunched over, his lone lifeless eye staring at the ground as the fire ravaged through the city behind him. His body felt heavy, probably due to the half empty bottle of alcohol resting in his hand. As he lifted the bottle back to his dry cracked lips he heard the faint sound of footsteps approaching. He didn't so much as move a finger, he already knew who it was. “Juni”, he whispered softly, as he looked up at her.
She was frozen, her words dying in her throat. The smell of smoke stung at her nostrils, the ash falling around her like snow. All she could do was stare helplessly as the flames seemed to tower above her. As she looked down she saw him sitting there, his tattered jacket flowing behind as the flames burned at his back. She didn't even realize as tears began to fall down her face.”Ya know”, his sudden words startled her,”Someone once told me that god has a plan for all of us. That everything that happens, happens for a reason”. His hollow voice sent chill down her spine. He turned away from her, staring into the burning flames.”I wonder”, he said finally.“If she were here now, what she would say”.
He looked back at her, taking in her beauty for the first time. Unlike him she had not hardened over the years, her beautiful face seemed to glow in the light of the flames. He lifted the bottle to his lips, taking in one last sip before tossing the bottle to the side, burying it in the sand. His bones creaked in protest as he forced himself to stand, his cold green eye locked on to her as he lifted his sword from the sand. “I guess”, he whispered quietly, “Its time for all of this to end”
20 Years Earlier
He looked down at him. The young man sitting in the dark, staring at an old photograph. “Hey Aedon”, the young man looked up at him, a hint of sadness in his eyes. “Its started”, he said plainly,” meet me outside in 10”. he turned away from him, his eyes once again falling upon that lone photograph in the corner of the room. “okay”, he said sorrowfully. As he turned to walk away he stopped at the edge of the hall and looked back at him, “Remember”, he said firmly, “this is where it all ends.”
He sat there, the dry heat pouring out of the old concrete walls, the lone candle illuminating the picture as he picked it up. “The end”, he said quietly. He sat there unmoving, eyes closed,lost in memories of the past. He slowly opened his eyes as a lone tear fell from his face evaporating on the scolding floor. “Yes”, he said as he forced his body up, grabbing the swords resting in the corner as he rose. As he threw on his jacket and walked out of the room he whispered quietly”all things must come to an end”.
As he pushed open the heavy metal door, a warm blast of air rushed by him, the sand stinging at his eyes. Ahead of him the dim light of the city glowed in the distance. “The riots have started”, Darcy said suddenly. Startled Aedon turned to his right , finding Darcy lying against the wall, a bottle of whiskey in his hand.”Won't be long before most of the military is in the city, then we'll head in” he said nonchalantly as he took another swig of the bottle. Aedon just stood there, his hands clenched tightly into fists as he stared at the ground.”This isn't right”, he said finally,”all those people”, “will be killed”, Darcy finished, his voice cold and hollow. He let out a long sigh, as he lifted the bottle to his lips, sipping at the bitter liquid. “but in the end Dans right, theres no other way”, Aedon looked back at him, a hint of sorrow in his eyes. Darcy just continued on, “But if we can end it tonight, if we can put an end to all of this, then maybe this world can find peace.” As he finished he looked up at Aedon, and watched as a lone tear fell into the sand, “Here” he said as he tossed the bottle over, Aedon catching it in his hands. “It helps”, he said as he stared at the bottle as if transfixed by the churning liquid. “No”, he said finally as he let the bottle fall to the ground burying itself in the sand, “ I'll be fine, lets go”.
The cool night breeze blew gently across his face. The foul stench of blood hanging heavily around them, the eerie silence broken only by the hushed sounds of his breathing.“Thinking about her again Lone”, he simply took another drag from his cigarette, not bothering to respond to the voice behind him. “Everything ready”, he asked, his hollow voice echoing throughout the empty streets the man behind him simply smiled. “ Yea every things in place, Darcy and Aedon should be here soon, then we'll move in”. He let out a long sigh, the smoke evaporating into the air, “Alright” he finally said, as the man walk away he opened his eyes and gazed upon the blood drenched streets as he stood up his eyes drifted along the multitude of lifeless corpses until the fell on one lone body lying in the middle of the street, her once white blouse had been stained red with blood. As he stood over her a lone tear fell down his cheek. “Maria”, he whispered lightly. “Lone, time to go”, Dan's voice pierced the still night air as lone stood there unmoving. “Yea”,he finally said, “I guess it is”. As he opened his eyes he looked at the sky, “Please Maria” he whispered, “ watch over us, guide us through this chaos and bloodshed. Bring us to that world we used to dream of, the dream you died for, a world less frightening”. As he looked back at the little girl in front of him he whispered a quick prayer, threw his cigarette onto the ground, turned and walked away.
Sand quickly changed to concrete as they entered the city. The streets lit by small fires spread throughout the city, the faint sounds of shouting and the clashing of swords permeated the air as the putrid smell of death hung heavily around them. “Ironic isn't it”, Darcy said suddenly.”What do you mean” he replied lamely,” This is the price of peace, all these people asked for was an end to bloodshed, and in th end what did they receive , what did their great king give them in”. Darcy said dejectedly, as Aedon just lowered his head his heart heavy with grief. “Remember this”, Darcy said suddenly. “Never forget what your fighting for in there, because if we succeed tonight then all of this ends, all of the pain, all of the bloodshed all the tears will end and we can finally be free”. Aedon continued to walked beside him, his hands clenched tightly as he continued to listen silently to Darcy's words. “Today we have a chance to start an age of peace in this god forsaken world, to make sure nobody else will ever experience something like this”. They continued to walk silently, Darcy's words hung heavy in the air around them as Aedon continued to walk unable to find any words to respond. As he looked up, he found Dan and Lone ahead of them. Behind them stood a wondrous structure that reminded him of the old pictures of castles his father once showed him. It brilliant white wall seemed to glow under the light of the full moon above it and the hundreds of fires below. As they gazed upon the wondrous structure towering above them they heard Lone whispering a prayer, the words seemingly lost in the wind, and as the wall in front of them exploded blowing debris all around them they walked into the castle.
He gazed silently down upon the war torn city, the crackles of the flames filling the still night air. He chuckled quietly to himself. “Everything comes to an end”, he whispered quietly to no one in particular. He closed his weary eyes a he let the cool night air blow gently across his face. “In the end we men are retched creatures, fallen angels trying to claw our way back to paradise, don't you agree” he said solemnly as he turned towards the two men standing in his doorway.
His hands clenched tightly as he gazed upon him, the so called king. “Alexander” Lone spat next to him, his words dripping with venom. The once great warrior that brought so many together in hope stood before them old and withered his icy eyes stared at them coldly, his sisters lifeless face reflecting back at him. Darcy was suddenly thrown back into reality as he let out a boisterous laugh, “you know” he said suddenly, “I once had those eyes, full of ambition and hope and yet, just underneath the surface is fire, an all consuming flame controlling your every thought. Can you feel it, with every word I speak it grows inside of you, that thing called hate.” “You”Darcy whispered coldly, “you dare to judge me you...”, he stopped as he felt Lone's hand on his shoulder, “thats enough Darcy” he said quietly as he turned his head towards that man. “Alexander” he said firmly,”Its time for all of this to end.” “Yes” he he replied solemnly,”I guess it is” as he drew his sword he whispered, “We get what we deserve”.
“JANI” his name echoed throughout the complex, the words filled with pain, “JANI” He turned towards the old man standing at the back of the room, “Charles” he said calmly, “go get my sister and bring her to the safe room, I'll deal with the intruders”. “Yes master” the man responded solemnly as he turned and walked away. Jani closed his eyes as he grabbed his swords as his name continued to be yelled throughout the complex. He let out long sigh, “Another avenger”, he whispered quietly as a tear formed in the pit of his eye, all of a sudden the room fell silent except for the labored breaths from the young man standing at his door, “Jani”
“JANI”, her eyes flew open coming face to face with the large man standing over her bed. “Bubblegum, whats going on?” “Shh, quiet now child, we have to go, your brother has ordered me to get you to safety while he deals with the intruders”.”Wha, what are you talking about whats going on?” , “I'm sorry Juni but I'm afraid we don't have a lot of time so we have to go now” he said sternly. “No” she said flatly, “whats going on and where is my brother”, “Some people have broken in and your brother is dealing with them, now Juni please come with me, we have to...”, he stopped as she suddenly broke free from his grip, “no I've got to find my brother”, Juni wait”, he yelled but it was to late she was already gone.
Aedon fell back as he felt Jani's sword cut across his abdomen, already raising his right sword to block the next strike as he swung his left to counter, watching as Jani simply sidestepped and continued with his onslaught. “Shit”, He thought solemnly, “If won't be able to keep this up for long, if I don't figure something out soon I'm...” his thoughts were interrupted as Jani's foot slammed into his stomach shoving him against the wall, Forcing the air out of his lungs, his legs giving out as he fell to his knees.
Jani looked down at the boy, those glaring eyes seemed to pierce his very soul, “I pity you, just another lost soul who lives for nothing but vengeance” he said quietly, “Do you think you are the first to seek vengeance upon me” He spoke softly as he removed his cloak revealing his scar laden body. “I wear a mark for every life I've taken in the name of that so called man”, he spat bitterly. “My hands are stained with there blood and every night I must listen to their screams as I cut them down” he continued as he began to walk away. “I have no desire to take any more lives, so go, leave this place, forget about revenge and hatred live your life before you lose it all over again”. Click, he turned sword drawn to find the boy standing there with a revolver in his hand, “You've got it all wrong” the boy said nonchalantly, I'm not losing my life, I'm taking it back”, he pulled the trigger the sound of the gun blast echoing against the concrete walls as the bullet tore through his throat.
Thanks in advance for all your advice and i hope you enjoyed what i have so far
Last edited by hobo general; May 06, 2010 at 05:05 PM.
By the look of things, this story is probably a seinen story. Unfortunately for you, I'm a shounen lover so I'm afraid my comments won't be helpful since I'm not the target audience.
I seriously suggest you don't read under the spoiler tag if you don't want to read negative opinions.
Overall, the main detractor is the way it was written, but as for what the story is turning out to be like, well... I've heard of movies that start out like this so I'm sure there will be people who'll like it.
Thanks for your honest opinion and id like to answer some of your questions to help get rid of some of the confusion.
To clarify jani is not the king he is the kings son, this is why he says “I wear a mark for every life I've taken in the name of that so called man"
and second is that the main character is aedon though that has yet to be fully revealed.
Now about the problems with grammer and the reapeted statements and such, i thank you for pointing those things out to me and i will get to work on fixing those problems, i admit i'm not exactly a great writer so i definitely have some points i'll need to work on.
as for the pace of the story, thats just how i like write and a big part of this story is how a boy (Aedon) becomes a sort of demon (figuratively speaking) and that involves alot of process that i would be unable to capture in a fast paced story.
and about the timeline its set at about 2347, some near three hundred years after the cuban missle crisis which didn't go so well in this timeline and led to nuclear winter and eventually a barren wasteland
Thanks again for the advice