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Thread: Request a Full Translation Check

  1. #406
    Registered User 初心者/ Shoshinsha / Beginner trunkschan90's Avatar
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    Re: べしゃり暮らし Help~

    I need a translation check on chapter 1 of Cyborg 009: Bottom of the Sea. Thank you.

    p. 008
    Gilmore: たぶんそのために。。。
    いままでの海図をたよりに航行していたサブマリンが。。。
    乱気流の渦に巻きこまれて遭難した飛行機のごとくに。。。
    It’s probably because of that…
    The submarines sailed by charts until now…
    Like a plane that was in distress because it was involved in a swirl of turbulence. . .

    海流の渦に巻きこまれて
    沈んだのではあるまいか
    They probably sunk from being caught up in a vortex of ocean currents.

    009: 001…?

    001: データ不足
    ボクはわからないことは言わない主義
    Lack of data
    I’m not sure how to respond.

    009: The sea…

    Pg 009:
    009: …the sea!

    海はすべての始まりだった
    The sea was the beginning of everything.

    地球上のあらゆる生命は海から生まれたのだ
    All life on earth was born from the sea.

    Pg 010
    009: 母なる海…!
    Our mother the sea…!

    地球の五分の四をしめる海
    The sea covers four fifths of the earth’s surface.

    いまだに
    そのほとんどを神秘のベールにつつんだままの海
    And yet the sea mostly remains wrapped in a veil of mystery.


    003: Joe.
    009: Yeah.

    003: なにを考えてるの?
    What are you thinking?

    Pg 011
    009: ゆくえ不明事件がおこるのは
    たしかこの海域がいちばん多い
    The disappearances happened around this area.

    よーし
    そろそろもぐって調査を開始しようか
    All right, I should start diving and investigate.

    ふふ
    Heh heh
    無断でとびだしてきたから
    ギルモア博士たちびっくりしてるだろうな
    Dr. Gilmore might be surprised that I have gone out without his permission.

    どうしても原因究明したかったのさ
    I have to find the cause no matter what.

    さて潜航開始
    Time to start diving.

  2. #407
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    Re: べしゃり暮らし Help~

    @trunkschan90

    This thread is designed for translators to post their own translation to be reviewed. Since you have been posting in Non-translators' Help thread and recruiting translators, please consider using Staff and Project Resources forum for any scanlation projects if this is not your own translation work.

    Meanwhile translation looks fine. I remember seeing a discussion on some of the lines in this forum but I do not seem to be able to locate it. Example: ボクはわからないことは言わない主義 (Your tl:I’m not sure how to respond. ) Literal tl would be My principle is not to /I don't comment on things that I don't know about. Nuance of the tl is different.
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  3. #408
    Registered User 初心者/ Shoshinsha / Beginner trunkschan90's Avatar
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    Re: べしゃり暮らし Help~

    Actually the Bottom of the Sea script is my own translation work. I've only taken one year of Japanese, so I'm not confident in my skills and need a second opinion. Since I'm not having luck in recruiting experienced translators to help out, I decided to translate the arc myself.
    Thanks for checking over chapter 1.
    Here's chapter 2

    Spoiler show

  4. #409
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    Re: Request a Full Translation Check

    Quote Originally Posted by trunkschan90
    Pg 16:
    009: hmm…
    いったいやつらは何者だろうか?
    Who the heck are these guys?
    Usage of heck: Just a speech style issue. JP speech is rather formal/polite.

    Quote Quote:
    国籍の表示がないけど
    What country are they from…:
    JP is a statement rather a question.

    Quote Quote:
    Pg 18
    どうやらアメリカやソ連の調査船ではなさそうだぞ
    Somehow, this is unlikely a research vessel of the U.S. and the Soviet Union
    and --> or

    Quote Quote:
    あそこで何をしていたのかね
    What were you doing way out here?
    あそこで- "way" can be omitted.

    Quote Quote:
    なぜボクをつかまえたのですね?
    Why have you captured me?
    --> did you capture

    Quote Quote:
    Pg 19

    あやしいからつかまえたのだ
    It’s because you look suspicious.
    look --> looked

    Quote Quote:
    われわれは最近ひんばつするこの近海での海難事故を調査にきたのだが…
    We recently came to investigate the accidents in these coastal waters and punish whoever is responsible.
    recently: recent accidents, not recently came

    Quote Quote:
    どうかね
    そのまえに話す気にならんかね
    I guess you're not in the mood to talk.
    どうかね What do you say?
    そのまえに話す気にならんかね: Why don't you talk to me now (= before I search your boat).

    Quote Quote:
    009: What!
    それを知っているとすると
    おまえたちは…?!
    Then you know who I am?!
    So, you know who I am.
    That means, you are ...?!

    Quote Quote:
    Pg 24
    Sailor: やっ
    とりかこもうとしています
    It's coming closer.
    取り囲む is to surround

    Quote Quote:
    Excellency: うぬ!! 撃て!!
    Shoot it!

    あの母船をだ
    It must be the mother ship!
    あの母船を= あの母船を撃て It's not "It must be," but "Shoot."  

    Quote Quote:
    ウーム
    ミキサーかシェーカーみたいにゆれたからな
    Hmm… it couldn’t have been because of all that shaking and mixing.
    it couldn’t have been <---?
    Change this to "It's because of"

    Quote Quote:
    そう言や艦長がさっき
    A little while ago…
    サイボーグとか言っていたね
    The captain said there was a cyborg on board.
    Not wrong, but "on board" is not in JP txt... The captain was talking about a cyborg/saying something about a cyborg.

    Quote Quote:
    ただし特別あつらえの
    Aren’t custom-made.
    Aren’t <--? Why negative?
    ただし=とは言っても

    Quote Quote:
    Sailor: らしいね
    It seems…
    あんたとごどうようにあのショックにたえられたんだから
    You and I are the same since we could withstand the shock.
    らしいね (I guess so)
    から: since you and I ...

    Quote Quote:
    009: hmm…
    そしてこの潜水艦は
    So this submarine…

    ブラックゴースト団の持ち船だ
    Had a member from “Black Ghost”
    Had a member from “Black Ghost”----> belongs to/is owned by the Black Ghost.

    Quote Quote:
    Sailor: そういうことになっている
    So you’re aware of such things.
    That's what I heard/hear.

    Quote Quote:
    Pg 30
    なにしろこの「ブラック シャーク号」は最新装備をゴテゴテとくつけたスゲエ潜水艦なんだ
    Anyway, this is the “Black Shark”, a cool submarine with the latest equipment.
    ゴテゴテとくつけた:(やたらに)沢山つけた 
    スゲエ: a bit more than "cool." Add really or something would do.

    Quote Quote:
    そいつをイチコロでやっつけた相手となると
    It can easily defeat any opponent.
    =そいつを簡単にやっつけた相手なら(手ごわいはず)。

    Quote Quote:
    009: なるほど
    Hmm…
    I see.
    Quote Quote:
    力をあわせようというわけか
    are you saying we should join forces?
    That's why you suggest/want to ...

    Quote Quote:
    Sailor: いやちがうね
    いまどんどん沈んでいるところさ
    You’re wrong, wherever we are its sinking fast now.
    its --> it's

    Quote Quote:
    Pg 31
    ほんとならインチあたり五トンの水圧がかかってる ハズだからな
    If the water pressure really is five tons per inch we should have suffered by now.
    The water pressure should be ... (get rid of : we should have suffered by now.)
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  6. #410
    Registered User 初心者/ Shoshinsha / Beginner trunkschan90's Avatar
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    Re: Request a Full Translation Check

    Thanks for the check. These are the last chapters that need checking.

    Chapter 3
    Spoiler show


    Chapter 4 (had lots of trouble with this one)
    Spoiler show


    Chapter 5
    Spoiler show


    Chapter 6
    Spoiler show


    Chapter 7
    Spoiler show

  7. #411
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    Re: Request a Full Translation Check

    @trunkschan90
    Please continue to look for dedicated checkers when requesting multiple chapters.

    @ All
    Please help trunkschan90 using this thread or contact her via PM if you like 009.
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  8. #412
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    Re: Request a Full Translation Check

    I would like a translation check, this was my first time translating a manga chapter. It's a chapter from choujigen game neptune anthology 2.

    Spoiler show

  9. #413
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    Re: Request a Full Translation Check

    Quote Originally Posted by UberChar View Post
    I would like a translation check, this was my first time translating a manga chapter. It's a chapter from choujigen game neptune anthology 2.
    No problem. You don't seem to make many semantic mistakes, so you will be fine if you get a good proofreader.

    Quote Quote:
    P 1, Panel 2:
    何かしら あの袋
    Uni:Those clothes...
    Translation for 何かしら is missing, and あの may be singular ("that") + 袋 is a bag/bags, not clothes.
    袋(fukuro, bag)vs 服(fuku, clothes)

    Quote Quote:
    P2 Panel 2:
    仕方ないわよね
    Noire: I can't do anything about it.
    Fine. Alt tl example: That's how it goes.

    Quote Quote:
    P3, Panel 2:
    ユニちゃんかわいい!
    Nepgear: Uni-chan your so cute!
    your ---> you're

    Quote Quote:
    P 4, Panel 2:
    Panel 2:
    顔色が悪いけど大丈夫?
    Nepgear: You don't look too good, are you okay?
    Fine. You could use "well" instead of "good."

    Quote Quote:
    P 5, Panel 2:
    ほ。。。本当に大丈夫?
    Nepgear: Are you really alright?
    Fine. The word "alright" is fine for a colloquial use, but if your proofreader says no, then change it to "all right."

    Quote Quote:
    だだだ大丈夫だったら!
    Uni: I already said I'm fine!
    Grammatically correct version: I'm --> I was

    Quote Quote:
    Panel 3:
    せっかくお姉ちゃんが喜んでいるのに 中断できないよ。。。!
    Uni: At least Onee-chan is happy but I can't interupt now
    but --> ,so

    Quote Quote:
    Panel 4:
    やっぱりもう限界~
    Uni: I'm can't hold it in anymore!
    I'm can't ---> I can't
    Quote Quote:
    }Page 8:
    ノワールさんをがっかりさせたくなかったんだよね
    Nepgear: You didn't want to disappoint Noire-san right
    Noire-san right: Noire-san, right?
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  11. #414
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    Re: Request a Full Translation Check

    Thanks for the quick reply. I did this at around 2-3 am so I wasn't really putting much thought into it. I can't believe I mixed up 袋 and 服, but it's probably because I read the chapter just before I started the translation and thought she was pointing out the clothes.

  12. #415
    Registered User 初心者/ Shoshinsha / Beginner neto hikari's Avatar
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    Re: Request a Full Translation Check

    request a translation check for my first English translation, Chotto Kawaii Iron Maiden ch1
    I don't translate all SFX, though
    Spoiler show


    raw text
    Spoiler show


    any comment & suggestion would be greatly appreciated

  13. #416
    MangaHelper 英雄メンバー / Eiyuu Menbaa / Hero Member Utsune's Avatar
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    Re: Request a Full Translation Check

    Quote Originally Posted by neto hikari
    Aoi : What do you think about how far violence is permitted for the sake of purpose ?
    How far do you think violence is permitted for the sake of purpose?

    Quote Originally Posted by neto hikari
    もうどっからツっこんでいいか!!!

    Is it already alright to retort from anywhere ?!!
    She's saying [there are so many things wrong with this] she doesn't even know where to begin commenting.


    Quote Originally Posted by neto hikari
    このセンパイせっかく美人なのにな……

    even though this senior is long-awaited beautiful woman......
    The "sekkaku" here functions similarly to "even though" so you should delete the "long-awaited."


    Quote Originally Posted by neto hikari
    分かってほしいとは言わないただ一言だけー

    I don't say that I hope you understand with only one word
    I don't expect you to understand me/ But allow me to say something (These are two separate sentences)

    Quote Originally Posted by neto hikari
    警察や自衛隊海外の司法組織にたくさんの卒業生を送りこんでいる

    A lot of graduate are sent to police and jurisdiction of self-defence force abroad
    "SDF" and "jurisdictions oversea" are probably two separate points.


    Quote Originally Posted by neto hikari
    マスコミ

    mass communication
    Though this is technically correct, simply "media" will do here.


    Quote Originally Posted by neto hikari
    拷問部を背負って立てるほどの……

    Aoi : Even up to shoulder the torture club
    背負って立つ = To represent (or something like that.) So I'm guessing she's complimenting the quality of her torture technique being "on the level of being able to represent the club." *I think.*




    On the whole, your translation in terms of understanding is decent and accurate (other than the very few places I've pointed out.) As for the rest, the mistakes are generally grammatical error and phrasing (which is more like a problem in the English.) I have not corrected them. I suggest finding a dedicated proofreader for that

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  15. #417
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    Re: Request a Full Translation Check

    Quote Originally Posted by neto hikari View Post
    request a translation check for my first English translation, Chotto Kawaii Iron Maiden ch1
    any comment & suggestion would be greatly appreciated

    Quote Quote:
    p6
    今日からあたしも中学生かあ
    Yuzuki : As of today I am also a junior high student, right
    も is not "also" here, It's more like "finally." Get rid of ", right."

    Quote Quote:
    しかもこんなお嬢様学校なんて……!!
    moreover, such a prestigious lady school......!!
    Alt trans: a preppy girls' school

    Quote Quote:
    高等部一年舟木碧生だ
    Aoi : High school section first year, Funaki Aoi

    あ中等部一年武藤結月です
    Yuzuki :A, junior high school section first year, Mutou Yuzuki
    Get rid of "section." You may want to state the name then the school year.

    Quote Quote:
    美人たけど変な人だー!!
    Although beautiful she is strange !!
    "Although" sounds a bit stiff. You can just use "but." Example: (She is) Beautiful, but she sue is strange!!

    Quote Quote:
    p7
    わざわざ部室まで来てもらってすまないな
    Aoi : Sorry to have you come to clubroom expressly
    すまないな can be simply "Thanks so much for ..." or I hope you don't mind ...

    Quote Quote:
    よくわからないうちに連れこまれてしまった…
    I have been brought before I understand it well
    連れこまれて(brought inside) vs 連れて来られて brought (to place)
    よくわからないうちに: before I knew it

    Quote Quote:
    君には素質がある
    Aoi: You have the quality
    fine. Alt for the quality: a potential

    Quote Quote:
    何かされる前に逃げなきゃ!!
    I must escape before something is done !!
    何かされる前に = 私が何かされる前に (something is done to me).
    Change it to 彼女が私に何かする前に when you translate.

    Quote Quote:
    悪いけど一服盛らせてもらったから
    I'm sorry but that because I drugged you
    Sorry but I drugged you. You don't always translate から when it is used at the end of a sentence. This から is similar to "just letting you know."

    Quote Quote:
    ちょう!? 犯罪ですよそれ!?
    Yuzuki : What !? Isn't that a crime !?
    ちょう (超) -- extremely, super, serious, real

    Quote Quote:
    もうどっからツっこんでいいか!!!
    Is it already alright to retort from anywhere ?!!
    もうどっからツっこんでいいか!!!= もうどっからツっこんでいいか分からない!!!
    I don't know what to say/how to respond any more!!!

    Quote Quote:
    p8
    このセンパイせっかく美人なのにな……
    even though this senior is long-awaited beautiful woman......
    せっかく...なのに
    Example: What a shame, she is such a beautiful lady/woman... What a shame. She is such a beautiful lady/woman...

    Quote Quote:
    気がついた?
    Aoi : Did you come to ?
    Are you awake now?

    Quote Quote:
    分かってほしいとは言わないただ一言だけー
    I don't say that I hope you understand with only one word
    * See Utsu's comment

    Quote Quote:
    警察や自衛隊海外の司法組織にたくさんの卒業生を送りこんでいる
    A lot of graduate are sent to police and jurisdiction of self-defence force abroad
    * See Utsu's comment
    警察, 自衛隊, 海外の司法組織

    Quote Quote:
    歴史の陰で常に暗躍してきたんだ
    Always acted secretly in the shadow of the history
    Make a full sentence.

    Quote Quote:
    女子校に拷問部なんてマスコミも人権団体も思いつかないからな
    Because mass communication or human right organization won't think of torture club in girl's school.
    マスコミ the media
    organization --> add s

    Quote Quote:
    そう?なら実際に拷問技術を見てもらって…それで信じてもらうしかないな
    Aoi : Is it ? Then let's see the torture skill practically...thus you have no choice but to believe it
    実際に ... をみてもらって see ... practically --> actually see ...

    Quote Quote:
    しかし私が見こんだ通りの娘だったなー
    Aoi :But you're the girl just as I anticipated
    This しかし means それにしても or なんとまあ showing the surprise/emotion of the speaker. Instead of using "But," you could add "indeed" after "you're" or replace it with some other words to show the emotion.

    Quote Quote:
    普通は拘束されると不安に陥り卑屈な態度になる
    Aoi : Usually when restrained people will fall into anxiety and take a servile attitude
    will -- would

    Quote Quote:
    人聞き悪っ!!?
    Yuzuki : What a bad reputation !!?
    It's not a reputation. It means that people would think of her in a wrong way. You may want to rephrase your trans.

    Quote Quote:
    ありませんよそんな才能!?
    There is no such talent right !?
    Start with "I don't" and get rid of "right."

    p10
    Quote Quote:
    いやそんなこと急に言われても…
    Yuzuki : No, even if it is said such thing suddenly...
    it is said --- JP uses a passive voice a lot, but change it to "you say ..." and adjust your sentence.

    Quote Quote:
    その調子だ
    Aoi : That is
    Keep going.

    Quote Quote:
    ほらゾクゾクしてきただろう?
    Look, you're shivering right ?
    ゾクゾクする means getting excited.

    Quote Quote:
    そ そんなはずないです…!!
    Yuzuki : Th-that shouldn't be...!!
    shouldn't -- can't

    Quote Quote:
    そんな趣味は
    It's not like I have that hobby
    趣味 -- It's not "hobby." It means a/an taste or interest.

    Other:
    the/a/an/s (I didn't correct errors.)
    Try to make a full sentence when possible.
    Avoid a passive voice in ENG.
    Last edited by mikkih; July 22, 2014 at 04:16 PM. Reason: striketrhough
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  17. #418
    Registered User 初心者/ Shoshinsha / Beginner neto hikari's Avatar
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    Re: Request a Full Translation Check

    So where do you think I need to improve more ? Japanese understanding, word choice, sentence structure, etc

  18. #419
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    Re: Request a Full Translation Check

    Quote Originally Posted by neto hikari View Post
    So where do you think I need to improve more ? Japanese understanding, word choice, sentence structure, etc
    There were some semantic errors, but I would say English in general .... hmm maybe the structural differences between JP and ENG the most. That's something I assume is difficult for proofreaders to edit/change. Also, using JP to JP dictionaries (国語辞典) time to time could expand your JP vocab skills. Good job
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  20. #420
    Registered User 初心者/ Shoshinsha / Beginner trunkschan90's Avatar
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    Translation Checking

    I have some sentences from 009 Re Cyborg that need checking. The ones marked in red are that ones that need checking. The rest are for context. Feel free to correct me on any I got wrong.

    Spoiler show


    This post was moved from TA mainboard. [Reasons]: A half of the chapter-long JP tx is marked in red. No actual questions are posted. - mikkih
    Last edited by mikkih; August 17, 2014 at 11:30 AM. Reason: moved

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