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Translations: Bleach 600 (2)
Well here is my FanFiction story, it is in 4 parts the links for them are at the end of the page.
Just, be gentle when it comes to grammar, I apologize in advance since English is not my first language and I am trying to be better as I write.
Hope you will like it
Before I review your story, what do you specifically want me to look at? It would be helpful to direct me to certain elements of style, plot devices or character traits that you want some constructive criticism on. You could ask me some questions about your story too. Because I see you've got something quite detailed written and I don't want to waste your time with a blanket review on everything.
(Trying out a different way of giving reviews. Also, apologies in advance if I respond late since I might not be on the forum as often as I want to)
Things that are important to me to get through to the readers are mainly the character's personalities as well as the story making sense in the way I tell it.
Since I am mostly working with OCs I have to give them a personalitiy as well I have to properly introduce them. The worst thing that could happen is a character that is unreasonable. I as the author know more about my characters than anyone else so some things that are absolutely logical to me may seem strange to readers because I didn't explain it thoroughly.
As for the story, the same goes here. I want to follow the actual story line as close as possible without interfering with it much. What I am writing right now is, to make it simple, nothing more but a prologue to what is going to come later and it's mostly for introducing the important characters for the future. However, I still don't want to have flaws in the prologue already, so if you find incinsistencies, out with it
I also know that right now I am lacking proper descriptions of characters and the surroundings. Those will be added later, for now the character's personalities and the storyline are more important. On the other hand I am positive that I am getting better as I write, and since this is my first bigger work in English language I think that it will be a good example of my progress.
Long story short: The characters personalities and the story are most important to me. If you find anything else that just is a no go, feel free to tell me, though Same goes for grammar mistakes or word that alter what I actually want to say.
I don't quite get what you mean by this.Quote:
Thanks in advance
So cool, I will focus on your characters and how you tell you story. Thanks for the quick reply.
(wrapped the questions in Spoilers just to ensure someone who hasn't read the story yet doesn't read them by accident)
A general question:
Are the tags Adventure/Supernatural appropiate? If not, which would you suggest?
twelve and a halv dozen typos.
---------- Post added May 08, 2012 at 11:02 PM ---------- Previous post was May 06, 2012 at 09:59 PM ----------
Questions to the readers:
11 pm already... whatever
---------- Post added May 19, 2012 at 11:36 AM ---------- Previous post was May 08, 2012 at 11:02 PM ----------
Chapter four is out!
Link to the story: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8078660/1/Blankface
Questions to the readers:
Last edited by kstefan88; May 06, 2012 at 03:04 PM.
@kstefan88. I finally got a chance to read Chapter 1. I will go through your other three more chapters & leave comments as you've indicated.
The answers to your questions, plus a general review for Chapter 1 are written below:
1. Jacqueline. There are some small, but not very clear details that make her an interesting character. The 'blankface' is one. I will be interested in how she maintains this moniker and how you develop her character around this personality trait. Second, I would be keen to know why Rubel is so interested in her.
2. I don't think it's a major point, unless you mean to make a huge part of the plot orbit around a logistical issue. As in the Claymore manga, appearances can be deceiving. So what would make Jacqueline stand out for someone of her rank would be her approach to battle, her take on life or some unconventional fighting method.
3. Actually, there are a lot of similarities, mainly caused by your introducing an ensemble of 4 warriors as a hunting team. Jacqueline is quite clearly a Clare-figure (the underdog, of low-rank, with some secret that makes the Organisation's men so interested in her). In that scene when she's approaching the awakened being with reckless courage is reminiscent of Clare's first awakened being fight.
Also Anna is very Miria-like (leader-figure, compassionate, chooses to test Jacqueline by sparring with her). Maria has some characteristics of Helen (loudmouth, brash etc).
Whether or not it was your intention for them to be like existing characters or not, that I can't be sure. However, Claymore has been covered so many times already that too many tropes and templates for warriors exist (the warrior who's fighting a friend that has awakened, the Claymores who look down on a lower ranked warrior & get surprised by her tenacity etc) that it will be hard to go beyond them.
Other notes: The introduction didn't work for me. It came out of nowhere. Jacqueline & Rubel are talking, you describe Jacqueline... then the subject abruptly changes to focus on hair and Neerie. Not all introductions need to start with a full picture of your character, but they need context. If I were a non-Claymore reader, the first ten paragraphs could fit into any situation.
I also thought that Maria's flashback was extremely random.
You will learn why Rubel has an interest in her, but I you will have to be patient.
Her fighting method is unconventional, indeed. Out of all the Claymore so far there are only two who can confirmedly manipulate an opponents Yoki. Oh, and there was the one awakened male in Pieta, so make that three.
Still I think, that Jacqueline's reason to approach the Awakened Being so recklessly is different than Clare's. For Clare, I think, it's just part of her personality: Don't rely on others, don't get them in danger due to your own disability. Clare may act cold but is someone who cares for everyone else more than for herself.
For Jacqueline, she is confident of her skills. Even though she faces an Awakened Being for the first time she (thinks) to know, that - as long as it has Yoki - there is nothing that could treaten her.
For Maria, yep, I completely intened her to be a Helen.
I actually planned all of them to somehow remind the reader of existing characters. Haven't you seen similarities between Liara and Ophelia?
And the hair, well, Rubel, as her handler, knows best, that Jacqueline finishes all her jobs unharmed. He also knows, that she was a sharp woman and a warrior capable of doing more than just Yoma hunts. He simply thinks, that Jacqueline is a skilled woman who should not be wasted on Yoma. After all, he has his own (yet to be named) interest in her.
However, what exactly do you mean by "but they need context"? I simply trew the reader into a situation, like I did. About the same way, as Yagi did it with Claymore.
Honestly, thank you for your opinion. Other people's opinions are keeping an artist's work alive.
By the way:
Chapter 5 is out!
True, Yagi sort of 'threw' us into Clare fighting off Yoma, but he did give us some explanations about what Yoma are and what Claymores do, and he slowly built it from there. However, because you are using OCs and not a lot of characters from the Claymore mangaverse, you will need to give a context.
For example, in the first 10 paragraphs of chapter one, I know who Rubel is but I can only assume Jacqueline is a warrior. What are they doing there? What are they talking about? And most of all, why is this important? The opening few paragraphs sets the tone, mood and direction for the rest of the chapter, if not the entire story. In the casev of "Blankface", I know that what they are saying is important, but because they're talking about hair and all that, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me until I hear your explanation.
---------- Post added June 05, 2012 at 04:34 PM ---------- Previous post was May 31, 2012 at 11:30 AM ----------
Sorry for the double post. But here's something short and sweet from me:
Word Count: 855
Summary: Helen x Deneve. It's the end of the world, and Helen won't shut up. Spoilers for Chapter 126.
I know it's probably been done before. But just something to get things moving here. And Shiek, Dany - I'm working on your fic now.
Don't really like something written in the present tense, but I quess that's just me.
Overall it was delightful. Nothing to complain.
To, as you said, get things moving here, I also have somthing more to add.
Warning: Gore ahead. I mean it.
Short description: A series-to-be of mostly unrelated one-shots about characters out of the Manga dying - don't care if they are dead already. M mostly for gore and tasteless/lame humor. AU/OOC possible. Enjoy!
Die in a flash, but do it flashy!
Yes of course you made a few spelling errors but i cant really blame you for that, english isn't my first language either.
Now on to part 2!
Ahhh, this was a pleasant surprise Shelter, been too long since I read one of your oneshots
Just as dark and philosophical as i expected....well, No, it wasn't that dark, though I guess it depends on the viewpoint you take while reading - it's certainly not as dark as, say, PTSD or other stories you've written....though, like with that fic where you had Galatea and all 7 Ghosts analyzed, maybe these "simpler" fics are better, because their is less room for a person getting the wrong idea....oh sure, everybody should take their own view of things, but I personally remember reading that fic and getting confused by how some of the characters were presented and wondering what was the mentality behind it (like how Galatea was so biblical, which was fine because that's how many stories treat her, except, in the manga, by that time, she already long-since revealed that she wasn't truly religious so I wondered what the deal behind her was).....with shorter stories like these, I wonder if, because of them, it's easier to read into them and getting what you tried to get out instead of me going where-ever.
At any rate, it's another story marking the fall of the Org - in this case, it's got more to do with what's happening with the story right now....nice to see, as you'd expect, other aspects about Helen (specifically) and Deneve that a more casual person may not expect....as ever, it's rich in symbolism and I like how, this time around, their was an emphasis on the sun and the time of day. I was curious on what poetry Helen was quoting, because it actually sounded familiar to me, though I think she was just going off on a tangent.
Loved the little bit on Men...on how all the enemies they fought were men which, I don't know, figures....in this dog-eat-dog world that needs and both hates Claymores, 90% of the time, it's all a because of men....and not that I feel that Deneve (Tabitha as well) hates men nor is a lesbian, as some of the more older sillier presentations of her did back in the day... I just loved that little addition for what it was. It doesn't say much, but implies everything, and I love your works for being full of that.
The ending was surprising I'll admit, but I'm pretty sure I "got it", the same way you went into such wonderful detail to describe Tabitha during PTSD....and, again, I just loved it for what it was - Deneve, like Tabitha again as well, is such an amazing passionate person...introverted to counter Helen's extroverted behavior, but still just as fiery, if not more-so....sure, yeah, I suppose it would be nice for you yourself to explain your viewpoint, but in this case, it probably would be better for us to just take it however it was, despite my earlier words.
Unlike PTSD and other fics....I'm finding it hard to really 'say' something - I guess it was just one of those that felt really complete to me, and I don't feel the need to force any words out....it was simple and sweet, and I felt I understood it - it was so you, and that's, I think, one of the big reasons I enjoyed it....reading stories like this, just aren't common anymore as they were 4 or 5 years ago; these dark philosophical undertones.....I miss that.
Well, I don't want to ramble a whole bunch of nothing, but I enjoyed it, and I'm happy to see something new from you again after so long....and nice to hear you are still working on your adaption of the Dany and me's story .
---------- Post added June 06, 2012 at 12:15 AM ---------- Previous post was June 05, 2012 at 04:48 PM ----------
By the way Shelter, I'm happy to see you have posted your name on the list for Fanfiction.net and the petition against their ridiculous purging....the more the merrier .
Also: for your fics, I will leave reviews for Die in a flash, but do it flashy on FFN. Since Blankface was first posted here, I will continue what I've been doing: reviewing as I read.
A bit off-topic: as for the troubles going on now at FFN, I don't think the management will do much to respond. There have been purges before and I've had at least one story deleted for being classified wrongly back in 2005. But fortunately I don't write the stories that FFN is targeting. I'm more concerned about the 600 or so stories in Claymore section, as some of them have quite graphic descriptions. As of now, that section and MH forums are have the largest gatherings of Claymore fans. I would like it to remain that way as long as possible.
When it comes to Fanfiction.net.....Shelter, we have to try.....this is just too important - this is just another Animesuki/SOPA/PIPA situation where our freedom of expression is being threatened.....Entire series are built on sexual content and violence (Claymore has the latter) - if this was ever an issue, why suddenly do something like this now?
We have to try....I've backed-up my stories, but it doesn't matter....100,000 stories were purged last night - how many years of sheer effort is that collectively? our memories, our growth as writers?
Maybe we can't stop this, but we have to do everything we can - this cannot be tolerated.
As for the bit about Men....Men have always been like that - needing warriors and then condemning them. The Org wanted Male warriors and only opted for females when they couldn't....Yoma in their base form, are clearly men....
That's not to say Men are the scum of the universe - for many, like Priscilla and Ophelia, they still have happy memories with the men in their family...but for the majority of warriors, who don't have much experience with men, much less good experience.....it still sends a message, and further bridges the warriors from human beings - how could the average Claymore not appear aloof and cold when the patriarchal world they live in needs them for their strength, yet condemns them at the same time?
Again, it's just symbolism and not truth....but in a symbolic way, there is something to notice indeed how Men are, almost always, the ones causing the trouble.
Last edited by Shiek927; June 06, 2012 at 12:17 PM.
For those, who are more into tragic stuff, I herewith present you another project I'm working on, that will mostly feature Miata.
Who: Miata (Clarice, Clare, Raki, Miria, Tabitha, OC)
What: Mostly what happens to Miata after the Organization's downfall
Rating: M. She won't have it easy.
There you go: A warrior remembers
Thank you Yomaslayer 95, I am glad that you have enjoyed it.
I am in a middle of writing part 3, it should be done next week.