The breast isn't oily enough.
Once, on the shoulder or the neck...
When you were concentrating on my fingers, you were pouting.
The second line doesn't make sense to me. They are talking about chicken.
Line 2: When a sentence starts with 一回/Once, a suggestion follows such as ~した方がいい or ~してもらった方がいい. In that case, the sentence can be something like "Maybe you should (do whatever to) the/your throat and shoulders (once)." Either you guess the abbreviated verb from the context to fill in or keep the translation similar to what you have. I am not sure about your usage of "on" without knowing the context.
Line 3: When reading your sentence, "your fingers" sounds more natural than "my fingers" You could start with "
WhateverWhenever " instead of "When." It's probably talking about his/her habit. Also change "were ~ing" to present tense. I would translate 口をとがらせる literally.
Last edited by mikkih; July 22, 2012 at 10:40 AM. Reason: correction in red
Thanks. Line 2 comes right after line 1, so I assume that they are talking about the piece of chicken.