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Thread: English 101 essay (would like reviews)

  1. #1
    Registered User 初心者/ Shoshinsha / Beginner Apackof12ninjas's Avatar
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    English 101 essay (would like reviews)

    This can be considered my next to final draft depending on reviews. Its not due for a week so I have pleanty of time to work on it.
    This is for my English 101 class.

    The assignment calls for 500+ word Narrative Essay.

    Your reviews, thoughts, opinions, corrections are all welcome. Thank you for your time.



    " Cant think of a title at the moment"

    They are in the order I would like them to be read



    Day 32

    I am a god…all who in my path is crushed as they scream for justice and vengeance.
    Victory tonight was a swift and simple matter. With my abilities all of my enemies movements
    would stutter, some would walk into walls in the confusion while others would fire their weapons
    wildly into the air hitting nothing…all the easier for me to kill them. I successfully captured the enemy’s
    treasure with little effort. I can still hear them screaming and crying…pathetic.


    Day 14

    It has been two weeks since I started fighting, If you could really call it that. Even though I was
    never in the same squad twice the mundane jobs were allways the same, either we went after the enemy’s
    supplies , destroy key storage areas or bases, or simply clear and eliminate the enemy in a particular area,
    those were the objectives I could never accomplish. I always go in guns blazing only to meet the business end
    of a bullet. We…no I have never won a battle and defeat has become routine.

    Day 20

    They continue to mock me in and after battle. So full of themselves it makes me sick. I try so
    hard and fail day after day and they never let me forget it. I swear even if I have to sell my soul
    I will make these bastards pay!


    Day 25

    This is a day of days…I have discovered a path between this world to heaven and I
    crossed it. I have discovered the methods of becoming a god! All will be envious of my new found powers.


    Day 30

    Those who mocked me before have met a swift death. The ground is littered with their
    corpses. I laugh as the poor fools are summoned before me as I empty my bottomless clip into them.

    Day 36


    My name has become synonymous with death. All the fools fall beneath my boots and die.


    Day 45

    Lately I have felt a cold stare upon me. Not from the usual trash that I deal with, this felt…strange.
    Out of the corner of my eyes I thought I saw this solider in black armor staring at me from the distance.
    I would always try to kill this man yet never find him when I get close…No matter, such things do not concern a god.



    Day 50

    The solider in black armor continues to follow me. I seem to see him where ever I use my
    powers. Does this fool not understand the depth of my abilities? He should not underestimate me.

    Day 51

    The solider in black is around every corner. And lately he was not alone. In the shadows
    more and more of them continue to haunt my steps. I wonder…if they are the angels of that domain I intruded upon.

    Day 52

    They are everywhere now, I cannot step a foot without seeing them. Yet I pretend to not
    notice them for the fear of losing everything. I must escape, even If I must risk it all! I MUST!


    Day 52.5

    They have me. With tears in my eyes I read the words
    “You have been banned from X-box live”. I cried to my mother to let me buy another account.
    She sighed and told me “Maybe on your 13th birthday” I cried myself to sleep thinking “I
    should’ve played fair, I should not have cheated…but its far too late for that now”.


    -End
    Last edited by Iceiphoenix; August 12, 2013 at 05:17 AM.
    Halo 3 Phase 1 Beta Tester

  2. #2
    Registered User 英雄メンバー / Eiyuu Menbaa / Hero Member Pevee's Avatar
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    Re: English 101 essay (would like reviews)

    I want to help, but time is running out on me, so I can only revise one paragraph. Sorry though, but here it is.
    Day 32

    I am a god…all who (get rid of 'who') in my path is crushed as they scream for justice and vengeance.
    Victory tonight was a swift and simple matter. With my abilities, all of my enemies movements
    would stutter, some would walk(walk just doesn't seem dramatic/strong enough) into walls in the confusion while others would fire their weapons
    wildly into the air, hitting nothing;all the easier for me to kill them (<< not sure if this part is grammatically correct). I successfully captured the enemy’s
    treasure with little effort. I can(can/could??) still hear them screaming and crying…pathetic.
    ...the life of man, solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short....

  3. #3
    Registered User 英雄メンバー / Eiyuu Menbaa / Hero Member bakashijinsan's Avatar
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    Re: English 101 essay (would like reviews)

    Now, I haven't been able to read everything in your article, but as far as I can see it, it doesn't really belong to the essay category. It's more of a narrative, first person, story (I've only read up until day 14)
    I'll be reading more of this and give you a proper review.

    I would agree with some of the points that Peevee had mentioned in the above post. There are some excessive words that are not necessarily needed or sometimes, they are there but are entirely alien in the sentence. Like what Peevee said about
    Quote Originally Posted by Pevee

    I am a god…all who (get rid of 'who') in my path is crushed as they scream for justice and vengeance.

    You could actually get rid of the who part there or you could add there "are" after who. Something like this:

    Quote Quote:
    I am a god…all who arein my path will be crushed as they scream for justice and vengeance.

    Also proper use of punctuation can be helpful in analyzing how the speaker in your work speaks

    Quote Quote:
    It has been two weeks since I started fighting, If you could really call it that.
    I know that you want to express here a certain pause between the "fighting" and the "If" that people usually use when they are speaking casually. What you could do here, is remove the comma and replace it with a long dash. something like this

    Quote Quote:
    It has been two weeks since I started fighting--if you could really call it that.
    I'm really sorry if I'm quite the fault finder. But I used to work as an editor for a school paper that's why I get quite particular with regards to articles and all. If you don't mind maybe I can copyread it for you if you're still willing to submit it. Anyway, I still see it as a short story. Not as an essay. An essay as far as I know deals with the author's opinion that is written in a more or less straight forward manner.

  4. #4
    Registered User 初心者/ Shoshinsha / Beginner Apackof12ninjas's Avatar
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    Re: English 101 essay (would like reviews)

    Well it is assigned as a "essay" by the professer and she read and found it very interesting and passable. (the first draft of that ^) and I agree, its more of a short story. Thanks for the advice ^_^ Ill revise it more tommorow or sometime later and get back to you.

    Thanks for your time ^_^
    Halo 3 Phase 1 Beta Tester

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    Registered User 初心者/ Shoshinsha / Beginner Firepelt00's Avatar
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    Re: English 101 essay (would like reviews)

    I hate english/language class b/c i always fail it. I don't understand why people can't get that i just don't understand grammar XD i know that sounds childish but really i write good storys but i don't understand grammar.

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