Gintama 280

It sucks when Sorachi is wordy. It also sucks when he uses several mangled references in one chapter. When they combine however, it's a whole new Optimus Prime level of suckatude. Seriously, if there's someone that can spot something wrong, I beg you to tell me.

(Sfx- Kon kon crack crack)

(Sfx- Paka karack)

(Sfx- Tsuruun drruup)

Kagura: It is time to eat~

(Side text- Can't help the usual!)

GINTAMA.

(Sfx- Zuruzuru zuzzuzuuu slirpslirpslirrrp)

Kagura: Mm---

Gulp

(Sfx- Zuru zuru slurrrrp)

Kagura: Nuooo~

(Sfx- Zubizubaaa slurrslorrrp)

Kagura: It is this one bowl that I live for~

(Sfx- Zurororororo sloooorp)

002

Kagura: Now for another.

Gintoki: Hey Kagura-chan.

How many days has it been,

Since we've been eating eggs with rice...?

Kagura: I do not know. I do not look back at the past. I live by not prolonging love that has ended.

(Sfx- Zuru zuru zuru slirp slirp slrip)

Gintoki: Embracing love huh? One only needs to look in the corner there, and they'll see that you abandon men faster than you change your underwear.

Gintoki: We've been eating this forever.

This is all we've had since you've been on food duty.

It's been three friggin days you know. Three days of waking up to find eggs on my plate. You've shifted the eggs from on the rice to the side of the plate, but emotionally it's the same.

Eventually I'll just start saying 'Good eggs' when I get up, rather than 'Good Morning.'

Kagura: There is nothing wrong with this.

Gintoki: That's because you hit the reset button on your life day after day. You erase your save data so you keep having to play Aliahan over and over again.

(Sfx- Mogu mogu chew chew)

(Handwritten- I can eat this anytime.)

Gintoki: But you're forcing the men back with you. And when we're puffing to Assalam, too, our mother's faces are flashing before our eyes.

Do you think that 'Sorry Mom, I cant' save the world today' is going to cut it? Do you think the people of the proud nation of Aliahan are going to take that?

(TN- al-Salam is an arabic god of happiness, and Aliahan is a content from Dragon Quest 3.)

Gintoki: I can't take this any more. Let's go fight Baramoth already.
The time for the heroes to leave the nest has come.

(Sfx- Zuru zuru slirrp slirrp)

Gintoki: The time to put our eggs aside and eat something real has come.

003

GINTAMA
Lesson 280: Cooking is willpower.
SORACHI HIDEAKI

Kagura: It is just breakfast. He is a fool.

He is too much like a mother in law, pecking at every little thing.

(Side text- She's at that rebellious age?!)

(Bottom text- Volume 31 of the manga hits stores November 4th!!)

Shinpachi: Hah, well to be fair Kagura-chan...it is strange to eat eggs and rice every day.

Eating requires balance too. Especially if you want to get your nutrition right.

Tae: He's right! There are other ways to prepare eggs you know.

Shinpachi: How about we forget about eggs for a while sister?

Kagura: I only need eggs to live. I feel safer when there is an egg nearby.

Shinpachi: That might be fine for you now Kagura-chan, but if you ever become someone's bride, they may want more variety in their diet.

Kagura: I will never be a bride. I will continue to leech off the Yorozuya.

Tae: Oh my, are you thinking of becoming Gin-san's wife? That's all the more reason to learn a few extra dishes.

Kagura: Do not joke. I will never become that good for nothing's wife. I prefer Colonel Sanders. I will become his bride.

(TN- For those who aren't in the US....Mr. Sanders runs a little chicken store....KNOWN AS THE HUGE CHAIN KENTUCY FRIED CHICKEN. Clears throat. So he's a little important....:-P)

Kagura: I'll have all of that old man's chicken under my control. I will always have fried chicken and eggs to eat.

Shinpachi: I'd think that the Colonel would get tired of egg over rice every day, too.

004

Tae: I'd think it would be a problem to be his wife too. Before long you'd be deep frying everything.

Shinpachi: Um...he tends to keep that to chicken I think, and just because he works in one place, doesn't mean that's the only thing he eats.

Tae: You need more balance in your diet. Try eating pork cutlets or croquettes once in a while.

Shinpachi: See, the problem with that is that it's fried too. Are you trying to give the Colonel a heart attack?

Tae: How about this Kagura-chan?

I am going to take some cooking classes....

Would you like to tag along,

And have a look?

(Sign: Sign: Kitaooji Cooking School)

Tae: I have to be honest, and say that my cooking repertoire isn't quite where I'd like it to be.

I guess it figures, since I didn't have a mom to teach me the ropes.

Kagura: If I succeed here, can I become the Colonel's wife?

Tae: Yep, you'll beat the Colonel hands down. You'll get the soaking in oil ring while you're soaking in oil in the soaking-in-oil lounge bar.

Shinpachi: Just what do you think the Colonel is!?

005

Kagura: Why did you accompany us Shinpachi?

Shinpachi: Its because I'm the one who needs to increase my repertoire. Even if sister tries her best, nothing changes.

It's always 'what's that mutated and smoldering mass' on the table when she cooks.

Tae: Did you say something Shin-chan?

Shinpachi: Nope, nothing.

Kyuubee: Tae-chan.

Shinpachi: Kyuubee-san!!

Kyuubee: I came as soon as you called me, but what is this?

Are you suggesting that I should learn to cook?

I guess it's true that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach though, so nice thinking Tae-chan.

Tae: Of course Kyuu-chan. If you want to become a bride some day, cooking is essential.

Kyuubee: I'd rather not become someone's bride. But if I really had to, I'd either pick you, Tae-chan, also I've always admired Ronald Mcdonald.

Shinpachi: Now you want to hook up with Mcdonalds?! You guys sure like your junk food don't you?!

Kyuubee: It's because Mcdonald wouldn't harass you about being male or female. Plus I could eat all the fries I want every day.

Shinpachi: Why not just bathe in oil then? It's probably slightly more healthy.

Tae: It'd do you no good to become Mcdonald's wife, as his family can't cook.

You'd be interposed by his whole family, meddling in your affairs.

If you leave them to their own devices they'll just settle things by putting anything between buns.

Shinpachi: ISN'T THAT JUST THE RECIPE FOR A DOUBLE BURGER?! HIS FAMILY IS A BIG MAC?!

???: What are you all whispering about?

Oh? Tae-san, do you believe if you learn to cook, that Gin-san will become your man?

(Sfx- Zatsu Swiff)

006

(Sfx- Zaaan dooom)

Sacchan: I won't let you!!

Feeding Gin-san nattou is my duty!!

Shinpachi: Sacchan-san!!

Tae: Aiming for Gin-san are we? You should give up and open your eyes.

There's no way that you and that slop will make anyone happy.

Sacchan: Shut your nasty mouth! I'm going to be Gin-san's wife no matter what! Though If things shouldn't work out, I'm sure Mito Koumon will accept me!

Shinpachi: Uh...While Mito Koumon might be really popular, he really doesn't have anything to do with mito brand nattou...or food for that matter. You wouldn't be able to just eat as much nattou as you want.

Sacchan: It's good enough if I can see Koumon's behind though.

Shinpachi: Are you a third grader?!

(Tn- Mito Koumon is an insanely popular person from the Japanese feudal era. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mito_K%C5%8Dmon Sacchan makes a pun that doesn't really translate. Koumon no Koumon. Which is...well Koumon's ass.)

Tae: If it's Koumon-Sama you want, there's no real need for you to learn how to cook.

There isn't a man alive who can resist a sexy kunoichi slipping into the bath with him. Especially an old man like Koumon.

Shinpachi: Heeey!! Don't make Koumon-sama sound like a filthy guy who enjoys the company of girls named Yumi!!

Teacher: Settle down everyone!!

Did you come here to chat with friends? Or learn the fine art of cooking?!

The correct answer is neither!!

You came here to learn the fine art of expressing your love!!

007

Teacher: Do you get it?! Cooking isn't a crude means of survival! It's the same as giving the one you love flowers and embracing them!

It is a form of expression! A form of love!!

???: Wow, the teacher is lecturing us even before class begins huh.

(Sfx- Baaaan Slaaam)

Teacher:Tae: This is the teacher of the cooking school, Kitaooji Rosanko.

You shouldn't get the impression that some fancy teachings from some far away kitchen will serve you well here!

Tae: This is the teacher of the cooking school, Kitaooji Rozanko.

He's famous for his skill with the skillet.

Kitaooji: From today on, you will be learning from me! If that sounds like too much for you, then I beg you, go back home!

Kagura: I remember. He was on TV yes?

Kitaooji: Now everyone say in your loudest voice, 'Cooking is love'!!

Tae: Yes. You could say he's a real 'Samurai of Cooking'.

(Handwritten- Cooking is love!! Cooking is love!!)

Kitaooji: Cooking is love!!!

Kagura: That is wrong.

Everyone: Cooking is lo---

Kagura: It is the grounds for divorce.

Divorce from the husband. The husband who spent 10 years cheating. Now it is a messy divorce.

008


Sacchan: Oh~? So if love is garbage, and your lover is gone, isn't cooking more of a sad retreat?

Shinpachi: Sacchan-san, he can hear you!!

(Sfx- Puru puru Shiver shiver)

Kyuubee: You've said too much. Perhaps that man is having problems of his own, and cooking is the only joy he can derive out of life.

Shinpachi: Don't follow her lead, Kyuubee-san!!

Kitaooji: All right then, lets get acquainted.

I would like you all to show me how much skill you have already.

I have no time or patience for training bratty little girls who don't know a kitchen knife from a spoon.

So let's have a little test shall we?

I'll ask you to cook your favorite plate. The one that cooks the nastiest tasting food,

Will be escorted off of the premises right away.

{He's totally staring over here!!}

{He wants our bloood!!!}

009

Kitaooji: Now everyone, show me the talent for cooking that lies within you!

I need to see whether you're in a good place or bad place with your cooking, or we cannot go on.

(Sfx- Dbaaaaaan Dooooong)

Kitaooji: Now begin!

(Sfx- Bitatsu graaab)

{He's not going to move an inch.}

{We've been marked for death by him.}

{He won't be satiated...}

{Until we're kicked out!}

Kyuubee: This is a problem. He wants us to cook something, when we came to learn how to do just that.

Sacchan: This isn't the time to worry about that....we'll just have to work together.

Tae: We may be lacking when it comes to the nitty gritty, but we've got more love than anyone.

Everyone, take your passion and put it out on the table.

Kagura: Very well! I shall show you my love of the Colonel!

Kyuubee: I'd say its better to go for McDonald.

Sacchan: No no, Koumon-sama's ass.

Shinpachi: Um...it seems that we've got quite a bit of love, but several targets to give it to here..

010

Tae: If we're this fragmented, we'll never win...

Fine, I suppose I'll have to cast the deciding vote.

How about Inaba-san from B'z?

(TN- B'z is a super popular rock band in Japan. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/B%27z. Considering how much Tae brings them up, I'm beginning to sense that she may have a little schoolgirl crush going on.)

Shinpachi: WHYYYYY?!?! Is Koumon's ass so wide that Inaba-san can live in it or something?! You just chose what you like didn't you?! Who's going to want to make such a dated choice anyway?!

Sacchan: Don't screw around. Koumon's ass or the highway.

Kyuubee: I suppose we could just use Inaba-san's ass instead, and make both of you happy.

Shinpachi: WHY THE ASS?! DO YOU GUYS HAVE AN OBSESSION WITH REAR ENDS?!

Kagura: Hey, where's the Colonel in that!? Make it Inaba-san and the Colonel and McDocking!

Shinpachi: Did we come here to cook or talk about famous people's private parts?!?

Kitaooji: Cooking is an expression of love.

It's not what you're making, I told you it's who you're making it for that matters, didn't I?

(Sfx- Girori glaaaare)

Shinpachi: It's not that Sensei!! Inaba-san and Koumon-san aren't here! You cant eat or cook for them!

Kitaooji: Shut up. Kids shouldn't be noisy.

Kagura: If we can choose from B'Z, than I would like to chose Matsumoto. He is good. I remember his debut, and he looked similar to Shimura Ken. I give him several bonus points.

(TN- Shimura Ken is a comedian. He's where Shin and Tae got their last name from.)

Shinpachi: What kind of choice is that?! We'd might as well go with the original Shimura Ken then right?!

Tae: Fine then, so that we can get this show on the road, We can use rock paper scissors to decide on who's best, whether it's Kagura-chan's Shimura Ken, or my Inaba-san.

Sacchan?: No, that's strange, isn't it! There's no reason to tear them apart. Inaba-san and Shimura Ken together make B'Z, don't they!?

Shinpachi: THEY ARE NOT!!

Kyuubee: How about this then. If Tae-chan should win, we'll use B'z. If I should win, we'll choose a member of WANDS.

(TN- Wands is yet another popular (and old) group. They did a DBGT ED apparently. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wands_%28band%29)

Shinpachi: ...WANDS?! Why have they suddenly invaded our conversation?! You keep this up and I'll blast through YOU with a rusted machine gun!

(TN- ….And there's the title of the DBGT song.( Sabitsuita ''Machine Gun'' de Ima wo Uchinuku or 'Lets blast through this moment with a rusted machine gun.' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VO-ipkGg-Io&feature=related. Beware, nostalgia hits with a falcon punch.)

011

Tae: If this keeps up, we're going to forget that B'z was the obvious choice from the beginning.

Sacchan: I suppose we can go with someone that's similar to B'z then.

Um, how about the DrifterZ?

Shinpachi: HOW IS THAT SIMILAR TO B'Z?! You just added a 'Z' to where an 'S' should be!

Sacchan: Ken of the DrifterZ is kind of cool.

We'd need to drop the 'Cha' though.

Shinpachi: There are no cool guys like that in DRIFT!! This is no better than just choosing Shimura Ken!!

...OH C'MON!! I see what you did there!! Now we're back to the beginning of this whole dispute!! Why are even talking about Shimura Ken?!?

Can you guys PLEASE stop messing around?! They've already started cooking without us!!

Kitaooji: If it's supplies you want, you can choose from what's on the table over there.

Sacchan: Good, I'm sure we can find a healthy head of KEN to use in our recipe.

Shinpachi: Uh, you won't because you can't eat KEN.

Sacchan: Kids should be seen and not heard.

Kagura: Would a watermelon taste good with salt?

(Sfx- Hyoi wiff)

Tae: Sounds good, bring it here.

Shinpachi: WE DON'T NEED COOKING LIKE THAT!

Kyuubee: I was thinking, and pardon my rudeness...

But we should leave KEN behind and keep the CHA!

Shinpachi: Are you still ON that?!? Just drop the whole thing for goodness sake!!

Kyuubee: KEN really likes his alcohol, so he'd get so wasted that he wouldn't be able to tell the taste of one thing or another.

That's why we can just keep the CHA and solve all of our problems.

012

Kyuubee: CHA-han, in short....fried rice.

Shinpachi: THAT'S JUST A HORRIBLE PUN!

(TN- Han is short for 'GoHAN' or breakfast. ChaHAN is fried rice. So it's CHAHAN for GOHAN. I think. Good god Sorachi, why so not serious? It's also important to note that Gohan is Goku's son in DB, so it may be a reference to that too.)

Tae: get it. Cha-han. It's really rice made just for CHA. Good thinking Kyuu-chan!

Shinpachi: You can try to work your way around it, but the truth is, without CHA there's not much of a breakfast!!

(TN- Cha can also mean tea.)

Kagura: Now there is no KEN. It seems very lonely without him.

Sacchan: Hmm, should we add a little bit of Kato to our KEN fried rice?

(TN- Katou 'with a u' can mean sugar....but maybe I'm thinking too much.)

Tae: That's perfect! And if we mix the two of them together, It's Katoken!!

(TN- The only thing I found on Katoken was an artist's website. I don't think this is what Sorachi is referencing, since in the Gintama anime, the Katoken there was a singer.)

Shinpachi: WHO CAAAARES?!? Please find it in your heart to knock off this nonsense!! Do you even remember why we came here today?!

Tae: Let's start with some Eggs, Charsiu and onion.

This will be our base.

Now we can arrange and mix other things in.

Kyubee: I'd say some crab and scallops would be good. Then we could make some fried rice with a bit of sea flavor.

Korean pickled cabbage would also make good Korean style fried rice.

What should we do?

Does anyone here know what Kato-chan or Ken-chan would prefer?

All: Nope.

Shinpachi: WHY WOULD WE KNOW THAT?! JUST WHEN I THOUGHT WE WERE MAKING PROGRESS, WE ARE IN FACT IN THE SAME PLACE THAT WE STARTED IN!

013

Kagura: If we are to make seafood, we will need to add Wakame and seaweed to our mix.

(Sfx- Juuuu suzhaaaaa sssziiiilllle sllisssh)

Shinpachi:WAIT A SECOND!! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT BLACK AND SLIMY THING?! LOOK AT IT!! IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE FRIED RICE AT ALL ANYMORE!!!!

Kagura:Ken's hair is thinning so we should have lots of wakame, right!?

Shinpachi: What are you saying?! It's pitch black in that bowl!! Are you suggesting that we fry him up a wig?!

Kagura: Too noisy. KEN's head needs the help. This fried rice will become the fried rice of dreams and hopes.

???: Then let me add a little bit of dried seaweed.

Shinpachi: We don't need it. It's dark enough here thanks.

Kyuubee?: Then let's give it a light "Reve 21" accent to it.

Shinpachi: There's nothing Reve 21-like outside Reve 21!! It's not something you can swallow! It's not sea food!

Kyuubee: But we're all born from our mother the sea...

Shinpachi: You're the one talking about Reve 21! More like your secret objective for making this fried rice is to give KEN longer hair isn't it?!

Sacchan: That's right!! You've been talking about KEN this and KEN that, but we're not here making this Fried rice for him alone! It's for KATO-chan too!!

You're just upset that we didn't go B'z, so you're taking it out on KEN AND KATO!!

Shinpachi: WHY IS B'Z BACK AGAIN?! Does ANYTHING occur in your head?!?

Tae: I suppose we can give KATO-chan to you, if you want Sarutobi-san.

Shinpachi: Um, that's not what I meant.

Tae: He's got great hair, lots of money, and plenty of pretty women with him to boot doesn't he?

Sacchan: See?! KEN's got it pretty good doesn't he?!

Tae: You know Ken's balding....

He has a really nice blog.

Shinpachi: THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING!!

014

Shinpachi: How is it bad if he keeps a blog if he's balding!?

Tae: Even though he seems like a weird old man, he's really an extremely cool person.

He's not a weird old man at all, not at all... he's just daffunda, isn't he...

(TN- One of Shimura Ken's performances.)

Shinpachi: He's totally daffunda!! It's fine!! He's fine on his own! He's cool, we get it!!

Sacchan: ......He's... okay. Somehow I thought he wasn't.... I'm sorry, I didn't know.

Shinpachi: There's no real reason to apologize though!!

Sacchan: But there's something I should tell you...

About KATO-chan...

In order to take a dump....

He has to be butt naked.

Tae: Really...I had no idea that he's so nasty...I'm sorry, it seems I too have said too much.

Shinpachi: What proof do you guys have, that shows that it isn't just gossip?!

Tae: KATO-chan and KEN-chan have had it pretty rough haven't they...

Shinpachi: HOW?!

Sacchan: It would be wonderful if we could make some fried rice to lift their spirits...

But it seems that we can't even get that right....

015

Tae: I suppose we really are no good at this...

We're just two young ladies that don't know their way around a kitchen knife...

So how can we expect to express love or even vitality through our cooking?

Sacchan: We were doomed from the start.

Shinpachi: Why'd you guys get so sad all of a sudden? You DO Realize you're talking about how Kato-chan takes a crap right....?

Kagura: It is not doomed.

(Sfx- Goso rustle)

(Sfx- Zatsu swiff)

Girls: Salted pollack?

016


Girls: Teacher,

We're done.

Have a taste please.

(On plate; KATO SHIMURA, We'll see you next time!!)

(Sfx- Paku snarf)

017

Kitaooji: It sucks.

But...

If I were KATO-chan or KEN-chan...

I couldn't eat this.

018

Kitaooji: Get out all of you.

There's nothing I can teach those,

Who are more experienced than I.

Cooking is love.

Don't you ever forget that.

All: YES SIR!

019

(Handwritten- It looks like everyone managed to pass!)

(Handwritten It is good. I just need to convince Gin-chan now.)

(Sfx- Hahahahah)

Lady: Teacher...

Who is...

This person?

I'd like to know too..

Who is KATO-Chan or KEN-chan?

Kitaooji: Dunno.

At least it got those noisy idiots to leave.

(Side text- This sucks!)

(Handwritten- Cooking is LOOOOOVE!!)

GINTAMA LESSON 280...............END.