Gintama 281

Weird one is weird. But funny! Considering a certain rumor I heard on 2ch, I wonder if I should be overly excited for Gintama's future, or patiently and cautiously optimistic? Hm....


Okita: Our enemy's base is the Inn Ikezuya.

They're scheming to attack the terminal tomorrow at dawn, and as such have gathered at the Ikezuya to be close to their target.

More likely than not, they're raising their spirits by having a party and drinking.

If we're going to punch a hole in their plans, and catch them...

There's no better time than the present.

GINTAMA
SORACHI HIDEAKI

Kondo: ….

This is the decisive strike...

Lesson 281: Am I stupid in thinking of 'Sazae-san' when I hear the word 'Leviathan'?

(TN- Sazae-san by Machiko Hasegawa, is the longest running animated show in the world, spanning at about 6000+ episodes, and still airing to this day. It's pretty much known to every Japanese person from infant to Adult, and it wouldn't be a stretch of the imagination to say that it's one of Japan's treasures. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sazae-san)

(Side text- Now it's on!!)

002

Kondo: First battalion, you'll be on the front lines with me.

The second and third units will take orders from the commanding officer and attack from the rear. Don't let a single one of them get away.

Remember this well, our blade has Edo's fate riding on it.

We fight our war one battle at a time, but if we lose a decisive battle, it's over.

Don't turn your back, focus on the enemy before you.

Use your swords,

To cut a path into the future.

Now MOVE!!!

(Sfx- Datsu dash)

Men: Yessir!!


003

Kondo: Toshi....I'm depending on you to watch my back.

Hijikata: …..Yeah.

Leave it to me.

Kondo: Let's move first battalion!!

YES SIR!!

004

(Sfx- Hyu hyu sniff sniff)

{…..Ah....}

(Sfx- Hyuu hyuuu sniff sniff)

{He's got some snot under his nose...}

{No....}

{I mean, there couldn't be snot coming from his nose at a time like this...}

{No wait...}

(Sfx- Hyuu hyuu sniff sniff)

{That's definitely snot. I can see it clearly now.}

{I should probably say something...}

{But who knows how that'll affect the team's morale...}

005

{But If I don't say anything and they see it, won't the morale go down all the same?}

{Maybe I should say something...}

Kondo: What's up Toshi? You look troubled.

Hijikata: Ah...no...

Kondo-san...the thing is...


Kondo: Feeling a little nervous before battle?

There's no need to be embarrassed though.

Getting completely used to cutting people down would be something much more be embarrassed about

We have to wield our swords believing in a day when people can feel pain and still understand each other.

Only people can save people you know.

(Sfx- Hyuu sniff)

(Sfx- Hyuu sniff)

Kondo: No matter how much blood you're soaked in, you don't become a demon.

Hijikata: Yeah...

Thanks a lot. You really opened my eyes.

{…..Kondo-san, you said some pretty deep things there, but the only thing I noticed is the snot dribbling down your face. It's like watching Tarzan swinging to and fro on your face.}

(Sfx- Hyuu hyuu sniff sniff)

{Dammit, I can't do it. Not when things are as serious as they are right now. Telling him that his nose is running during a critical moment like this is the same as shoving Tarzan off a cliff and watching him die.}

Kondo: We're the police. We need to investigate a room here.

{It's impossible to nonchalantly walk over and point out that his nose is running...but it'd be fine if he notices on his own....but how....?}

Hijikata: Hey, you guys...

006

Hijikata: Before we go terrorist hunting,

Let's take a rest stop.

We're not going to get a chance once we cross blades with the enemy so we should get it out of the way now.

You've got one hour to use the bathroom and come back here.

Okita: Do you think that this is a field trip Hijikata-san?

Hijikata: Shut your trap. You bastards are the type of guys who would get on a bus without going to the bathroom first, and then make everyone else late when they've got to turn the bus around so that you can go find a john to do your business.

Okita: What bus are you talking about Hijikata-san?

(Handwritten- 'The hell, this just annoying.}

(Handwritten- Dude, the atmosphere is slowly dying-)

Hijikata: Kondo-san, you should probably join them.

Kondo: Nah, I went earlier.

Hijikata: How about washing your face up then? Wouldn't be a bad idea before battle.

Kondo: I see, well I'll go do that.

You're on watch duty Toshi.

Hijikata: Yeah.

{Good. He'll notice Tarzan going "A~~Aa~~" in the mirror. Then way no one will be the wiser. We can get back to our job, and Tarzan can get back to his jungle abode. }

007

Kondo: All right! You guys ready?

If so, let's do this!!

Hijikata: Gah!!

{T-Tarzan's moved all the way to New York now hasn't heeeeee??!}

{The hell happened in thereeeee?!?! Now after washing his face, Tarzan's gone and evolved into Leviathan now hasn't heeeee??!}

(TN- Leviathan is a Hebrew word for 'coiled' or 'twisted, and has come to be the name for any large sea creature. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leviathan)

Guys: Um...what's up with that thing and the Chief...?

It's like huge man...like Leviathan huge.

{Crap.}

{They've seen Leviathan!!}

(Sfx- Fuuuuuufufuuuu huffffpufff)

{Get loooost Leviathaaan!!! You belong in a mythical story somewhere dammit!! Go baacck!}

(Sfx- Muzuuu drrrip)

(Sfx- Hechuuuu a-chuuu!)

{There it goes!! It should totally be off his face now!!}

008

Kondo: Geez...

Guess I caught a cold.

{Who...}

{WHO SUMMONED BAHAMUTTT?!?}

(TN- Bahamut is a monster in the dungeons and dragons game. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bahamut_%28Dungeons_%26_Dragons%29)

{THE HELL?! SO BAHAMUT WAS LIVING NEXT DOOR TO LEVIATHAN?!?!}

{C-CRAAAP!! I HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO DESTROY LEVIATHAN AND BAHAMUT BEFORE THEY NOTICE!!! ….But what can I DO?)

(Sfx- pura pura fwap fwa)

Hijikata: S---Sogo....

You and the first battalion go to the emergency stairs and keep watch.

I'll take care of the Double dragon...I mean Kondo-san and I will guard these stairs.

Okita: Seriously? Will it be okay with just the two of you?

Hijikata: It's to lower the enemy's guard. Don't worry, Kondo-san won't die if I protect him.

Okita: Let's go.

{All right, the others are leaving.}

009


{Now to take care of the other problem...}

{I have to cut down my enemies, the double dragons!}

Samurai: Hey! That guy's got snot on his face!

Before trying to manage your ronin, you should try to manage your nose!

Kondo: Augh!! Don't look!

(Sfx- Zupaaann Slassssh)

Kondo: GUAHHHHH

{Before the worst case scenario comes to pass, I have to do something.}

{I have to keep Kondo-san's serious mood from breaking apart.}

{Which means the Double dragons have to be slayed.}

(Sfx- Zatsu swif)

Kondo: Toshi...

Look.

The enemy is on patrol.

If he sees us, he'll tell his buddies, and our surprise attack will be a bust.

We have to take him out fast.

Hijikata: Yeah...good idea.

{Ugh, they're both really gross. I'm gonna have to cut one of them down first...but which of these big shots should I start with?}

010

{I guess it really doesn't matter whether I choose Bahamut or Leviathan first...}

{But from here, Leviathan's out of reach....so I'll go for Bahamut first!!}

(Sfx- Nyuuu snurrk)

{BAHAMUUUTTTT!!!}

{HE'S GOT THE ABILITY TO SENSE DANGER?!}

(Sfx- Nyuuu snurrrk)

{But now Leviathan's become twice as big!!}

{What the hell is this....!?}

{Don't tell me that Bahamut and Leviathan are connected at their core or something?!}

{Simple enough then. I'll just take care of them both...}

(Sfx- Nyuuu snuurrrk)

(Sfx- Nyuuu Snurrrrk)

(Sfx- Lotsa Nyuuus Lotsa snuurrrks)

(Sfx- Kashiitsu kachiing)

{SCREW THIS!! I'M CUTTIN 'EM CLEAN OFF!!}

011

(Sfx- Zuppoooon DUFF)

(Sfx- Dotsu twok)

Hijikata: GAHHHH MY EYE!!! LOOK AT WHAT IT'S DONE TO MY EYEEEE!!

(Sfx- Doshaaaaa thudddddd)

Kondo: Toshi!! You okay?!?

{The snot....It went flying into the air!!}

{It was like a frickin' fireball!!}

Samurai: What are you doing down there?

Hijikata: Da---

Samurai: Whoa...

Hey is that snot on your...

012

(Sfx- DOOOOON THOOOM)


(Sfx- Para para clatter clatter)

(sfx- Hah hah hah)

{That was close....}

(Sfx- Zeh hah zeh hah)

Kondo: Nice work Toshi!! One hit kill!!

{That guy almost ruined everything.}

Kondo: But he was saying something....about snot on my...

Hijikata: HE DIDN'T!

Kondo: No, I'm sure he did....

Hijikata: HE DIDN'T!! He probably meant something like Snupid, who's related to Cupid!! Yeah! He wanted someone to put Snupid flowers beside his grave when he dies! That's it!

(TN- Well...in Japanese, Snot is 'Hanakuso----literally nose crap' Hiji said Hana Cupid, with the Hana being the same word as 'flowers'. Course Snot begins with 'S' so...I had to make do.)

Kondo: Snupid flowers?

Samurai: Hey! What's all the noise out here?!

(Sfx- Gara clatter)

Samurai: Wha...

What the hell is that huge ass thing on your face?!? Is it sno---

013

Hijikata: S'NOT ANYTHING!!

(Sfx- Dododododododo Crashsmackthudbambff)

Samurai: Sh---

Shinsengumi dogs!!

What's with this guy?!

That on his face....It's s---


Hijikata: S-SOUL SOCIETY!!!

(TN- :-P)

(Sfx- Zubaaaa SDHSSHH)

Samurai: Hey that's s--

Hijikata: SON GOKUUU!!!

Samurai: Whoa Sn---

Hijikata: S'NOT YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!!

014

Samurai: The hell?!

That guy's a monster!!!

Let's get the hell out of here!! Every man for himself!!

Okita: Back up Hijikata-san!! Don't let any of them get away!!

(Sfx- Pan SLAM)

Yamazaki: Huh? Chief, is that sn---

(Sfx- Kashiii slllhing)

Hijikata: Yamazakiii!!! Who did this to you?! Are you going to be okay?!

Okita: He was hit by a flower vase that came out of nowhere...

Hijikata: Hey Sogo, leave this to me. You go follow the guys who ran earlier.

{Dammit, I can't possibly keep this up for much longer...}

Kondo: ZAKIIII!!!

Those bastards!! I won't let them get away with this!!

(Sfx- Datsu dash)

Hijikata: WAAAAITTT!!

You're covered with blood. Take this and clean up.

Kondo: Uh, I'd say you need that more than me.

Hijikata: Just take it and clean up already. If it gets in your eyes, you won't be able to fight, right!?

Kondo: U—Okay, thanks.

{Good! Now that snot will be taken care of once and for all!}

015

Kondo: You're right. In a battle, losing your eyes really means death, after all.

(Sfx- Goshi goshi rub rub)

Kondo: How's this?

{WHAT THE HEEEEEELLLL?!}

(Sfx- Goshi goshi rub rub)

{WHY IS THAT THERE?! WHAT IS THAT THERE??! HOW CAN IT RUB HIS FACE?!? WHY IS THE DIRTIEST THING ON HIS FACE DOING SUCH A GOOD JOB OF CLEANING UP THE REST?!}

Kondo: All right! If you're ready, let's get going Toshi!!

{YOU'RE NOT PREPARED AT ALLL!! AND I'M JUST GETTING MORE AND MORE ALARMED!!}

Kondo: ORAAHHH!! BRING IT ON FOOLS!!

(Sfx- fuoooooo FWOOOSH)

Kondo: LETS GO!!

016

{He can use the Snot at will?!}

{No, more like the Snot is using him, and Kondo san is the host...?!}

{What the hell is this thing?!?}

{Quit it dammit!! Don't take Kondo-san as some type of tool that you use however you want!}

{Get out of him at once!!}

{This isn't your place!!}



Kondo: Watch out Toshi!!!

(Sfx- Hyuurooooo flisssssssh)

(Sx- Dooooon thwooosk)

(Sfx- Bodoshiiii dsshhhhh)

(Sfx- Gashaaaaa Dsdsshhhhh)

(Sfx-Dosaaa thuuud)

???: Gueh!!

017

Hijikata: Kondo-san!!

The Snot's gone!!

Snot: I'm sorry about that...

About staying there for so long, and especially for fooling you...

Toshi.

(Sfx- Korori roolll)

Hijikata: No way...

You're the snot....?

Snot: I am...

The real Kondo Isao.

My origin is the H 28 nebula.

In order to observe Earth, I assimilated with Gorilla snot, and transfigured myself into a human form.

That is me...

Kondo Isao.

018

Snot: I knew that the minute I was blown into a tissue and then thrown away, that my mission would be over.

However five and then ten years passed, and before I knew it I was an old man.

It's been interesting hanging out with you guys.

Hijikata: Sn---no Kondo-san.

Up until now, I've been just plotting ways to get rid of you...

I had no idea that you were like this...

Snot: That's fine...

It's not your fault that my fate is never changing, destined to be at the bottom of a wastebasket..

I've lived too long as it is. I spent so much time in that nose that I've grown too fat to live there any more.

I hope I can ask you for one last favor....

To be scooped up in a tissue gently by you Toshi...

Can you grant me this...

Buddy?

(Sfx- Suuu fuff)

Hijikata: We'll meet again...

And next time,

I too will become snot.

I'll be waiting....

Within Otae-san's nose, I'll be waiting...

019

Hijikata: ARE YOU INSANE?!? OF COURSE THAT WON'T HAPPEN!!

(Sfx- DOPAAAAAN SHNOWWWK)

Hijikata: TALKING SNOT IS TOO DAMN CREEPY!!!

(Sfx- Gakuuun thwomp)

Kondo: Wake up Toshi, we're here.

The Ikezuya.

This place is going to be a bloodbath soon, so you'd better be ready.

Hijikata: Kondo-san...

You've become Tarzan the Snot King.

Kondo: …..

I see.

(Side text- Just say it honestly!!)

GINTAMA LESSON 281................END.