The Difference Between Godly Games and Shitty Games is Paper Thin
-> RTS Page for Gintama 430
I usually don't post my versions of these, but this fucking script was an evil script that was nothing but non-stop crazy fucking text... thing... So I'm gonna post it here because I did it all one one go.
[Gintama 430 Translation by Kewl0210]
Someone: "Gintama Sugoroku", on sale January 24th.
......Hey, what the hell is this?
Insert text: ☆Gintama is set to have a stage event at Anime Contents Expo 2013!!
☆Gintama Jump Comics Volume 48 goes on sale February 4th (Mon.)!!
Paper: Gintama Sugoroku On sale 1/24!!
This is no ordinary Sugoroku!!
Middle Insert: ☆Everyone buy it, okay?!!
T/N: This game actually exists. For PSP, that's the real release date. If you're not aware, sugoroku is a traditional Japanese dice game.
Shin: What is it? There's a PSP game coming out.
Bandai Namco once again went through a lot of trouble make a game
of this dull manga that doesn't have any special techniques or anything.
Kagura: This time it's a sugoroku-style board game, yes?
A kind of game like "Momotaro Dentetsu" or "Itadaki Street" where everyone has a good time together.
By not having any special techniques, it looks like they put a lot of creativity into it.
Gin: No, uh, I don't care about it being sugoroku or whatever.
I've just never heard of it...
What the hell happened to control of rights and stuff? Those Ban-Nam guys sound kinda fishy.
Shin: Actually, I think what's really odd is us characters in the manga talking about our own game.
But we have always done things like that in the past.
Gin: Whenever someone tries to make and sell a game of us,
when the sales started to tumble, they pretended not to notice.
Shin: Quit saying such rude things! They'll never make a game for us again!!
Gin: Besides, character games have been breeding grounds for shitty games since the damn of gaming.
Shin: They're not shitty games!! They just didn't sell!! I'm sure they had plenty of love put into them!!
Gin: But if if there aren't some fireworks from this, then you can bet that there'll be concerns that the Gintama contents itself will be abandoned by sponsors.
Not only that, but the outcome of every kind of media goods will start to dwindle to the point where it will even start to cause damage to the source material.
Shin: Uh, it's because the source material us this that they're not selling. ["this" in italics.]
Gin: It looks like it's about time we say what what's gotta be said, ain't it?
If nobody speaks up and they start making random shit like sugoroku games, then you can bet that in a few months that'll end up in the bargain bin.
Shin: What the hell are you saying right before the game goes on sale?! Of course it's going to sell well!
Gin: There are a lot of young boys among the other Jump protagonists. But they're so busy they don't have time to interject in sales.
But I'm gonna say something. As an adult protagonist, I'm going to make sure I say that what's not good is not good.
Shin: But you're the worst one of all. I've never heard of a protagonist that's such a pain in the ass that he comments on product development!!
Gin: I'm saying we can't just be indifferent and leave everything to Nam-Ban like we have been.
In the upcoming age, we're going to have to be the kind of protagonists that manage their own merchandise or it's all gonna go to shit.
Speaking of which...
Insert: What's he gonna do?!
Title: Lesson 430 Godly Games and Shitty Games are a Hair's Breadth Apart
Author: Sorachi Hideaki
Sign: Bandai Namco
Tama: Main system infiltration successful.
Gin: Okay. Now, could you rewrite the data based on these notes?
We're going to remake "Gintama Sugoroku".
Shin: HEYYYYYYYYYYYY It's about to come out, what the hell are you doiiiiiiing?!!
Gin: You think we can just trust Ban-Nam to do this?
We've got to use our power and aim to make a million-seller game.
Shin: Like hell we can do that!! Do you seriously think they won't have a problem with us sneaking in here and doing all these things without asking?!
The game's practically finished already!! I'm sure they've made a very entertaining game!!
What do you think amateurs like us can do by butting in?!
Gin: Don't be so naive. It doesn't matter if it's entertaining or not. What's mattered from the beginning
is whether it'll sell or not.
No matter how interesting the game, is, if that doesn't reach the users, it's all pointless. That's what "sales" is, ain't it?
Yeah, I mean, it might be a good game and all, they might've put all their blood, sweat, and tears into making it...
but I have some questions for Ban-Nam.
Do you seriously think this'll sell? If Ban-Nam really wants to see some sales numbers, then...
they've gotta go with something like this.
Shin: Like hell they can do thaaaaaaaat!!
T/N: This is a reference to the "Tales of" series of JRPG video games. As in Tales of Symphonia and such.
Shin: What're you doing, wedging in the title of a well-known series?!
Gin: Well, it shows up in tones of stuff anyhow. So even if you blend it in, nobody'll know. You can stick "Tales of" on whatever you want.
Seriously, just tales-of anything in the world, and you can't go wrong.
Shin: How the hell do you "tales-of" something?! What kind of verb is that?!
Even with the characters appearing in it, nobody cares if we ignore the unsophisticated source material. Not one bit. So we're totally on board with tails-of-ing it.
Shin: Tales-of-ing it? It's been completely tales-of-ed!! This is nothing but relying on others for your own objectives, you guys!!
Tama: Understood. In any case, we want it to be of-ed.
Shin: Wait, Tama-san!!
Tama: To put it simply, you are saying to revise the genre to being a Fantasy RPG, correct?
Shin: Hold on a second! Where'd the "Sugoroku" go?!! That's the selling point of this game!!
Kagura: The sugoroku game or whatever does not matter, yes? We can just make the main character's name "Sugoroku", can we not?
Shin: Who the hell is "Sugoroku"!! Isn't this a Gintama game?!!
Gin: That's a good idea. I hate games where the protagonist talks till ya fall over.
Games aren't like movies or manga. The player is the protagonist.
To make it an immersive experience, you need to make the protagonist only say "yes" or "no" like in Dragon Quest.
The protagonist for this thing doesn't need to be Gin-san.
The protagonist has no personality, and never says anything unnecessary. Teiruzuobu Sugoroku.
T/N: The kanji in that long-ass name mean emperor, style, curse, king, martial arts, and sugoroku.
Shin: But that Sugoroku is bursting with personality!! He doesn't have to talk, you've got enough story just looking at his back!!
Gin: The story is that Sugoroku recently moved to Edo, and now he joined the Yorozuya in order to help us save a kidnapped princess.
Shin: Who the hell is going to have empathy for a grim looking old man like this?!! No matter how you look at him, he seems like the guy who'd be on the side of the kidnappers!!
Gin: Ooh, Sugoroku. Welcome to the Yorozuya.
He is the protagonist after all, so he has to have some flair to his appearance.
But we're gonna be limiting his lines to being really short, so it'll be okay.
By the way, Sugoroku. Since you're joining the Yorozuya, would you mind telling us what attribute you are?
M. [Arrow points to this one.]
Shin: It's not just "yes" and "no"?!!
Shin: Why are the only lines he's speaking "I'm an S" and "I'm an M"?!! That's got way too narrow a range of use!!
Speaking of which, aren't attributes usually fire or water or something?!! Can you decide things with S or M?!
Gin: A protagonist only has to say S or M. That way he can pick sizes of leather armor at the armor shop.
Gin: Course, Sugoroku is L-size.
Shin: That doesn't make any sense!! Now his leather armor is just super-tight!!
Gin: And in this game, you don't restore your HP at an inn. It's got the trendy method of taking a quick rest at a Starbecks for that.
Guy: For the size, would you like a short? A tall? A grande?
Shin: He can't even order!! It makes it look like he's too nervous for something trendy like grande!!
And how do you restore HP in a game of sugoroku?!! What kind of annoying method is this?!!
Gin: Don't worry. Forget HP for now, if you collect a "rope" and a "candle" at the item shop, you can restore your MP.
Shin: Those are total-masochist points!! And so now he's really only got one choice in the end, M?!!
Hold ooon! Who the hell is controlling this creepy protagonist?!!
Gin: It's okay. This is a cinematic. Things gets really vivid in those.
Normally, it's this sorta deformed style.
Shin: The protagonist is practically just a corpse!!
SFX: ZURU ZURU (Drag)
Gin: Recently, games stick cut scenes in them all the time. It's too big a waste of data storage.
If you just put in the graphics when it really counts, leaving it to the imagination of the player is plenty enough for the other parts.
Shinpachi: Shinpachi "Gin-san,
Shin: What part are you leaving to people's imaginatiooons?!!
Where the hell's the rest of my bodyyyy/!! You're saying that's a waste of storage capacity, too?!
The princess has been kidnapped by someone!!
Hey, why are the glasses dragging along a coffin?!! Wait, don't tell me it's something like that!! ["that" in italics.]
Kagura: Now we have our whole party together, yes?
Gin: Yeah. Now our four-man adventure begins.
Shin: We're practically entirely wiped out right from the get-go!! Go to a church!! Hurry, get to a church!!
T/N: You go to the church in Dragon Quest to revive the dead comrades. That's also where the coffin thing comes from. But you knew that, right?
Box: Gintoki LV1 H32 M0
Kagura LV1 H30 M12
Sugoroku LV1 H0 M540
Shinpachi LV1 H0 M0
Kagura: Ah, there is an enemy!
Shin: Are both the enemies and allies just nothing but corpseeees?!!
Box: A monster has appeared
SFX: DOURURU DOURUU
Shin: Why is Hasegawa-san a monster now?!!
Gin: It's not Hasegawa-san. It's a Rotting Sunglasses (38).
Shin: Of course it's Hasegawa-san!!
Box: Rotting Sunglasses called for its comrades... but none came to help it.
Rotting Sunglasses called for its comrades... but none came to help it.
Rotting Sunglasses called for its comrades... but as expected, none came to help it.
Shin: Somebody help hiiiiim!!
Box: Rotting Sunglasses fainted.
What did this person come here for?!! All he's done is embarrass himself!!
Box: Rotting Sunglasses woke up. He looks this way like he wants a job. Give it a job?
Shin: What the hell's it mean he wants a job?! Huh? Is he joining our group? Can we help the Rotting Sunglasses?
Shin: Somebody help hiiiiim!!
Shin: Heeeeeeey!! I don't see an option to save the Rotting Sunglasses (38) anywhere!!
Gin: Yep. Games have a tendency to be insensitive when it comes to having the power of life and death over things.
You'll kill monsters all for the same of experience points. Open the cabinets in other people's houses to get items...
By creating choices when the players are met with those situations, I want the players to learn the sinfulness of living.
Box: A monster has appeared.
Shin: Will kids be able to go along with game where you put the finishing blow in a barely-alive old man like?
Gin: Our lives are propped up by countless deaths. I want the players to know that as they progress through the game.
So every time you defeat a Rotting Sunglasses, it's setup so the number of coffins increases.
Shin: We don't need anymore corspeees!!
SFX: ZURU ZURU ZURU (Dragging)
Shin: If it gets to serious people'll lose their interest in playing the game!
Kagura: Ah! You're not doing anything, but our HP is going down. Are we poisoned?
Box: Gintoki HP 25
Shinpachi HP 0
Gin: It looks like our battles with the Rotting Sunglasses I got infected with "Niito", somehow.
Shin: Why is "niito" being treated like poison?!
Motivation to Walk 0
T/N: It's written in hiragana so it's phonetic, but it obviously means "NEET" here. (Not in Employment, Education, or Training.)
Gin: When this happens, your ambition parameter goes down to 0 and then you can't use items or recovery spells.
When you loose the motivation to walk, your HP just dwindles and until finally......
Box: The party was wiped out.
Shin: Niito is way too scaryyyy!!
Gin: That's true. Niito is scary.
Nowadays, there are lots of people that spend their time fooling around even after their time at school ends. I want to show those people the value of working.
Shin: But this isn't showing them anything!! It doesn't convey anything to them besides an irrational fear of niito!!
Gin: It's okay. Those who have ambition will definitely get a second chance.
Sign: Inquiry Counter
Box: This is Hello Work. If you'd like, I'll introduce you to a place of employment.
T/N: Hello Work is a nickname for the Japanese government employment agency.
Shin: Huh? Hello Work? You don't wake up at a church, you do it at an employment agency?
Gin: Hey, look. If you don't give up, you can redo life as many times as it takes.
Box: Please chose a new occupation.
Gin: Sorry. But it turns out you can only find employment as an S or an M!!
Box: Please choose quickly....... Hey, would you hurry up?
Shin: Something seems odd about the employee.
Box: Either one, it doesn't matter............ C'mon............ Aagh...... This is such a pain.
Hello Work has been wiped out.
Gin: That ain't good... we infected them.
Shin: That niito is way too scaryyyyy!!
Shin: Why did even Hello Work get infected with the "Niito"?!
Gin: Even the people who at Hello Work don't want to work sometimes. I wanted to communicate that to the players.
Shin: So do you want them to work or not?!!
Gin: At this point, now all you can do is reset and do the whole thing over.
Box: Edo has been wiped out.
Shin: What happened to the guy that said you can keep redoing it as long as you don't give up?!!
Gin: Shut up. The real world isn't so easy where if you're wiped out you'll just automatically come back to life.
In the age of Wizardry, if you got wiped out you'd have to join a party and go out of your way to collect the corpses.
After going through all that hardship, even if you go to get them revived at a temple, if you messed up they wouldn't ever come back.
T/N: This is a reference to the game Wizardry. An old RPG video game that was a precursor to Dragon Quest and Final Fantasy.
Shin: Shut up with your old stores!! Kids these days can't put up with this kind of total-masochism!!
Kagura: That is right! Resetting really is going too far.
If we make a different party come to save us niito's as part of a relief effort, it should be fine, yes?
Shin: Now that you mention it, even the protagonist Sugoroku is a niito now......
Box: Good job coming here to Kabuki-Chou, Sugomi.
T/N: This name is the same as Sugoroku except it uses the kanji for "three" rather than "six".
Kagura: Surogoku had a little sister. She came to Kabuki-Chou to save her big brother.
Shin: I get it! Double protagonists!!
Box: I admire your desire to save your older brother that has become a niito.
But this town is already rampant with niito. It has been reduced to a town of niitos.
Sugomi, in the end
do you think you can save your big brotheeeer?!!
T/N: I think this line is from... Mononoke-Hime. It's "San" and not "big brother" there.
Shin: Now it's become a completely different gaaaame!!
Sign: Tales of
T/N: A joke on Biohazard/Resident Evil.
Gin: Chapter 2. Tails Of Madaohazard. It unfolds into a survival horror game where the stage is Kabuki-Chou occupied by the Niito.
Shinpachi: Why are the Niito acting like they're from Biohazard?!!
Gin: The player must cut through the onslaught of niito that are attacking one after another.
Shin: What happened to the person that was going to save a niito?!!
SFX: DOON DOON
Gin: The goal is to reach Niito Sugoroku.
Shin: Now Sugoroku's been turned completely into the freakin' last boss!!
Box: It's no good. Even Shinpachi has been completely taken over by it.
Shin: What do you mean, taken in?! Just how terrifying is this niito thing?!
Kagura: Shinpachi... Suroroku...
Gin: Damn. Don't give up. There must be some way to get the two of them a job.
Shin: Why is it only you guys got the job of being Sugomi's partners?!!
Hasegawa: Shoot their ass with that and I'm sure they'll be blown to Hello Work.
Shin: Heeeey! Why is the niito that's the source behind all of this helping out now?!!
Hasegawa: However, there is only one job opening.
Unfortunately, one of the two of them will be erased along with the niito.
Shin: What'd he say?!
Hasegawa: The A button for Shinpachi-kun or the B button for Sugoroku. Now, choose one.
Shin: N... Nobody can choose something like that...
Shin: You, tooooo?!!
So in the end, you wiped out all three niito!!
So both the brother and sister can only say S or M?!! Just how the hell were these guys raised?!!
Kagura: Like this, yes?
Gin: Now, now, this is okay, ain't it?
Shin: It is not okay! On top of wiping out the niito, this has turned into a game that doesn't even have a "gi" in common with Gintama!
And what happened to the kidnapped princess and whatnow anyhow?!!
Gin: The princess no longer exists because everyone's become niito.
Shin: Just how careless are you being with this story?!
To recover the princess, the fallen Sugoroku and others... everything, there is one way.
Shin: Really, Tama-san?
Tama: The princess is still all right.
Ironically, because she had been kidnapped, she was able to survive without becoming a niito.
That is because the princess was taken deep underground by a fearsome demon.
She has been imprisoned in a place called the underworld. That is ecause it is a world that the living cannot set foot.
Shin: C... Could it be?
Tama: Yes. The souls of Sugoroku and the others have not died.
In order to obtain a ticket to the underworld to save the princess,
they must risk their lives by separating their flesh bodies from their souls.
The form that appeared from the path leading to hell no longer has a trace of what it was when he was called Madao.
Tama: Yes. Surely, people will call it them this.
Sign: Tales of
Super Madao Brothers
Shin: Forget recovering, they've just fallen even further!!
Are you planning to enter a chapter 3 at this point?
Just how many pairs of other people's underwear are you guys trying to smear with poo?
Tama: But now that they have gotten jobs as plumbers, the princess can be rescued and everyone can be saved.
Shin: Yeah, but we'll never save Ban-Nam!!
Gin: Oh well. Then, next we'll make the protagonist someone named Jean Claude Ban-Nam...
Shin: Enough alreadyyyy!!
Guy: So that was option B, a story revolving around the creation of a game.
The sugoroku-themed game I showed you earlier is option A.
We feel we can reproduce the world of Gintama in our own way with either one,
but which do you think will sell best as a product, president?
Insert: ☆Now!! Why don't you go reserve it, too?!!