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The issue is that can arranged marriage really be called "arranged" when the son or daughter has to consent to it? Otherwise, it's not really any different than your parents setting you up with someone. In this kind of scenario, no one is strong-arming you to marry this person. You're not breaking any laws by saying no. Good parents want what's best for their kids and for them to be happy.
As far as actual arranged marriage where dowries and bride prices are involve goes, it's something completely foreign to me. Yes, it's a cultural difference and yes love may blossom after the fact, but it's not something I would want or be involved in.
TBH, I'm judging from the movies that the kid has a choice.
But as to the last paragraph, I agree. It feels more like a business transaction than union of two people and families. I honestly don't agree with the whole thing behind dowry and price and whatever, and it's just one more thing that makes me dislike India even more.
But love can blossom in any kind of arranged marriage, whether in "actual" or "consented." You may like the person, but not necessarily love them. That came after marriage.
But I don't agree with how arranged marriage is worse than love marriage when both have their shares of risks and dangers.
There's no doubt that a person's family influences their choices. A lot of things can factor into that. But I think that hardcore arranged marriage is a relic of the past. Back when people married much earlier, when they wouldn't even be considered adults by today's standards. When it could mean prosperity or poverty for your family. The comparison you make with "regular" marriage means nothing to me. Those problems you create on your own, and they weren't created because you were forced to accept an arrangement because it benefits your family.
I never said they'd be right, just that they THINK they know what you want or what's perfect for you when it can be completely the opposite. My mom thinks a domesticated girl would be perfect for me when I want a girl who's not afraid to speak her mind and has a great sense of humor and intelligence. Maybe other guys don't care as long as they get a girl.
I'm not sure if it's just luck of the draw, but in many cases arranged marriages tend to have bigger risk because it's easier for either side to pretend to be who they're not.
Well, according to the movies, you can say whether you want to marry someone or not, if you approve of the girl that the parents found. In reality I have no idea.
I'm not comparing it, I'm just saying that arranged marriages and love marriages have their fair share of risks. You can't say arranged marriages = loveless and thus cheating, as if love marriages don't have it. Likewise, you can't say (my aunt, her 30-40 year old daughter, and another aunt) love marriage causes divorce or women to run away while arranged marriage doesn't, because no matter what marriage it is she will likely run away if she's treated badly.
Though honestly, I just don't get the logic of many who support arranged marriage or in other words, the older generations. :\
I don't care either, since I have to live with the girl, hopefully. <_< I don't even know how the tradition of arranged marriage started, but I can guess. But I have a jaded view towards Indian men from India, to be honest. Many I have seen or talked with have creeped me out somehow.
If the child doesn't want to, he or she can always refuse. This may or may or not be the case for some families that still follow the old archaic system to the very core. Where the parents have the final say and that's that.
A first cousin of mine got married the 'arranged' way though she had a list of suitors and she chose the guy she wanted. The parents setup the whole process. However, dowries were exchanged by the two houses. In the end she chose the guy she wanted.
Regarding the dowries, I recall my cousins dad was furious somewhat later (he kept a lid on it for a while) he felt he was short changed or something with the dowry. This is especially fun because he's a short tempered guy.
Traditions, customs and things like that still play a very important factor. Not doing so will also be very disrespectful to the other side as well and cause disharmony, blah, blah,etc.
So I'm sorry if what I know about arranged marriages is negative and that reflects on my views. I've just seen it wreck relationships with families for no sensable reason.
Ok. Consented arranged marriage.... I don't really think we're talking about the same thing here anymore. Do you mean (for example) the parent says, "honey, I think you and this guy would make a great couple. You should consider marrying him"? Ummm.... That's is by no definition "arranged marriage" in my head. That's suggested marriage. If that's what you're defending here, then I completely agree with you and there's nothing wrong with it. But you're using the words "arranged marriage" verrrryyyy loosely.
---------- Post added at 09:26 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:21 AM ----------
You guys seem to be mixing arranged marriages and forced marriages. They are not mutually interchangeable.
---------- Post added at 12:46 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:39 PM ----------
We have a relatively large population here from the indian subcontinent and this subjects gets raised near constantly. The government literally has a 'forced marriage unit'. The best description of the two is put better by the government here.
There is a big difference between the two. One is parents acting like okcupid, the other is more sinister. The point I wanted to express by my post is that there is clear distinction between the two and that seemed lost on some who were commenting on it here.Originally Posted by UK Goverment
Sorry, I didn't word it correctly. I meant that forced marriage isn't socially or legally acceptable here, unlike arranged marriage. Of course it still happens, due to coercion and manipulation.
But no, the person isn't necessarily stuck with the spouse. It's up to them. Like I said, a friend of mine divorced her husband (love marriage), but she doesn't mention it among family in India since it's a taboo subject.
I also have another friend (who's about 38 or older) whose in-laws (Indian) disowned their son because he didn't marry an Indian. The mom even said he could have her as a mistress as long as he married an Indian girl. They only accepted him BECAUSE she popped out a kid. And as of now, they're happy as hell and she still loves him, and he her.
My first reaction? WTF? Especially at the mom... you'd think she'd actually discourage the whole cheating thing, considering she should know how it'd feel.
If you really wanna know how I feel about Indian culture, Pakistani culture, Middle East culture, Hindu, Muslim, and whatnot, then it can be summed up in two words, "fuck it." Far too judgmental and far too disrespectful of the women. I find it hard to accept a culture that at the very least, can't respect women or consider them equals. I don't agree with the idea of arranged marriage or forced marriage, but it's not as bad as you make it out to be.
Be happy you're not a brown woman or living in Middle East, Pakistan, or India. Appreciate the freedom you have, and the fact that you won't be judged for everything you do. And that in America, and in your culture, you're more likely to get justice if a man ever treats you like shit.
My point is that you're judging arranged marriage without knowing the facts. ONly reason I'm defending it is because I like to argue/debate, especially against the grain. I don't agree with the idea, nor am I rejecting it.
When the person went for love marriage instead of obeying their parents' wishes? Not sure if that's a bad thing, cuz if my parents disowned me for marrying who I wanted to marry... not sure if I'd really want to be associated with them after that. There are positives and negatives to arranged marriages, like there are with love marriages and in a way, forced marriages.Quote:
I see arranged marriage as same as gay marriage or normal marriage - don't care if it happens, it doesn't affect me. Freedom ftw. Though, I suppose arranged marriage is different from what I think, as parents let their kids choose nowadays.
Desperation to get married? I'm talking about Indian culture's point of view. And usually, parents and even aunts and uncles try to get the girl married as soon as possible when she's an adult. Few of my friends are about 21-27, but the family is trying to find husbands for them or encourage them to get married. It's annoying how women have to get married while they're young, and how older generations think that the older the women are, less desirable they become.Quote:
The whole system is flawed, to be honest. Or at least, the way of thinking. Know what sucks? It's the women who are usually the victims here, as if it's their fault.
I'm just saying, singling out cheating as a negative reason for arranged marriage doesn't work. But in many cases, the spouses do fall in love. It depends on the kidn of person they are, and in many cases you get to talk to them before anything is accepted.Quote:
Only issue is that I THINK that your negative views aren't based on facts.Quote:
No, but I think we are talking about different things. Arranged marriage in my culture is probably different from arranged marriage in your culture or definition. Arranged marriage would be parents choosing the boy/girl after getting their kid's permission, I guess? Watch some Hindi movies if you wanna get a better idea.Quote:
Though I'm not sure how accurate it is.