February 08, 2014 01:36 PM
初心者/ Shoshinsha / Beginner
The 7th Realm (Prologue)
Hi I'm fairly new here and I have been writing a story for a few weeks now. I have about 5 pages of notes on backstory and a few character sheets and more to come and I have started on both the prologue and first chapter of my story. It is sort of a gritty, supernatural, fantasy story with arcs and twists that I have already written down. Without posting too much I'd like to get some criticisms on the first part of my prologue. To dispel any confusions this excerpt is foreshadowing and occurs way later in the story. I'd like to know from you fellow readers if I should change or improve certain ways I have written, or if you would need more information on the story, or if the way I have written makes any sense at all, or if it does not grab your attention enough to give a full constructive criticism. Again I am an amateur writer so any advice will help! Thank you so much for reading and please give me merciless feedback .
"Tell me Artemus. Why is hate such a strong emotion. It fuels us, makes us stronger, lets us express ourselves in ways that any other emotion cannot. But my question is: Why? Why must hatred be the strength and death of men? Why must hatred conquer our feelings and make us stronger? The answer is simple. Because the weak are divulged with happiness and reassurance that 'Everything will be fine' even when the situation seems hopeless. Because the weak are filled with false hopes and dreams of a better tomorrow. Just like the King of old. When the swordsman slaughters the farmer, the son rises up and takes revenge. Out of hate the weak son of a farmer becomes a mighty warrior!" The sinister figure takes a step towards Artemus. His killing intent pulsed throughout the room. Artemus' hands still shake. The blood from his wounds begin to ooze. He feels his Gama dwindle and feels the fatigue rising. The look of disbelief and confusion stains his face like an incurable plague. He clutches Zeus as if he means to break the hilt. "It is that emotion that drives me. It is the emotion..." The figure sneers at Artemus. "It is the emotion that drives even you Artemus." Artemus dashes toward the figure with Zeus dragged behind him, tearing up the floor of the castle, leaving chunks of debris in his wake. With a mighty upward swing the blades of the Crimson sword and the war-tarnish Greatsword, clash. The impact of the two blades disrupt the atmosphere, blowing wind that could rival a great tempest. The two warriors fought wildly, however, Artemus was greatly underpowered against his sinister foe and was knocked across the room. Artemus slowly rose to his feet. The uneasiness in his left arm continued to bother him. He could feel the bloodlust of the creature seeping out of the Sealing Straps and grabbed his arm in an attempt to control the tension. The mysterious warrior stood poised and calm, completely undaunted by Artemus and held his blade forward. He spoke, "It is even now you fight out of hatred..." He laughed and noticed Artemus was clenching his left arm. "Or is it possible that you fight out of fear?" His snake-like eyes slowly slithered towards Artemus' left arm. He smiled. "Could it be that you are afraid of the Shadowbane sealed in your arm from coming out again?" Artemus flinched. "Ah, so it is the beast that you fear! I suppose I don't blame you, boy. It takes great willpower to resist the first possession. Im surprised you didn't tear apart your precious 'girlfriend' too when it first came out." Artemus sprinted towards his enemy again in hopes of striking a fatal blow. The clashing continued. Bits of the walls blew open and the moonlight poured in like a cascading waterfall. Artemus jumped back and his opponent did the same. Artemus pointed his Greatsword toward his opponent with both hands and planted his feet firmly onto the ground. His Gama lightly stained the air around him. "LIGHTNING BOLT!" chanted Artemus. The edges of Zeus glowed a vibrant florescent green. Small strands of electricity rode up and down the neck of the blade and energy began to accumulate. His opponent smiled and lowered his blade to his side. "Now I will show you the power gap between us that hatred has given me", the figure mumbled. His crimson sword burst into flames. He grabbed his blood colored hilt with both hands and the flames grew even larger and more frenzied. The two warriors stared at each other with an icy gaze, bodies now engulfed in Gama. Zeus released a great lighting bolt that shocked the room green. The flaming warrior dashed toward the bolt, carrying his chaotic sword behind him laughing all the way...