June 05, 2014 07:44 PM
初心者/ Shoshinsha / Beginner
A story I have thought up for a long time
Hello, I'm recently a new member in the site. I want to share ideas of a story that I have in mind for a long time and hope it'll be well known later on.
My story is about a boy starting high school in his hometown. Throughout most of his young life he sees love as a meaningless feeling ever since his childhood years when one day a tragic event happened that he became so affected by it made him hate love and vowed never to feel love and loved again and even talk to girls which resulted in never been like a son to his father who also felt the same way when his wife died. As he started high school and on his way to school, he was greeted by a girl from America who is a transfer student to his school, she initially wanted to be well known to have many friends in the town and in school so she won't be left out for being the only foreigner in his hometown but after learning him being wary of her for being a girl she became determined to find out what made him this way, eventually becoming close to him to fix his broken heart.
June 06, 2014 01:09 PM
初心者/ Shoshinsha / Beginner
Re: A story I have thought up for a long time
So, could anyone give their opinions about this? I'll take criticism and will improve from it.
---------- Post added June 06, 2014 at 01:09 PM ---------- Previous post was June 05, 2014 at 10:54 PM ----------
"My name is Kelly Erica, I'm 15 years old, grown up to do what I wanted to do, my life has been sort of complicated over the years at my homeland, America. It's something that I don't feel like explaining it why, it's just too much to tell. Now I began living at a really different country with my mom, Melissa, which she suggested we should move to the country we are now to get away from all the pain we have been through in America (Land of the Free and Opportunities my ass), I don't have a dad anymore to say. The country we're in now is kinda hard to live in since me and my mom are foreigners, wondered why my mom choose to live here but I go along her because she's been with me all my life and I love her very much. I'm going to the school near where our new home is soon, it's not going to be easy being the only "different" student there but since I wanted new friends who are willing to spend their time with me, I'll shall do what I should do: Become more open..."
"Kelly! It's time for school! Get here soon!" A voice is heard.
A girl snap to her senses, she looks at her diary, belonging to her, her name, Kelly Erica, as said in the diary, with the words she have written down from her thoughts, she looks at her clock near her diary: 07:22 AM.
"Time already? *sighs* Not now..." She said to herself with a tired expression.
She closed her diary, gets up from the chair she's sitting on, she walked to the mirror near her desk installed on the wall. Looking at her reflection, she wore a buttoned blue shirt, a skirt with the same color inches above the knees and white socks. She combs her blonde hair to make it look appealing, staring at her own blue eyes.
"This uniform looks cute, I love it~" Kelly said about the clothes she's wearing now.
She then opens the door of her bedroom, leaves.
Going down the stairs, Kelly sees a woman who is her mother, Melissa Erica, standing near the stairs, dressed in casual clothing, she looks like her daughter, age being the difference. She has a bag with a shoulder strap in her hands.
"There you are, dear." Kelly's mother said with a smile. "Here's your bag."
"Thanks mom." Kelly gave her mother a hug, arms around her, her skin feels soft and warm.
Kelly takes the bag, carrying it with the strap on her shoulder, it feels heavy.
"Have fun at your new school." Kelly's mother said to her as Kelly puts on her shoes near the front door.
"Thanks mom, see you later." Kelly waved to her as she opens the front door, closes as she left.
She is outside, looking up, the sun shining on her in the clear blue sky with little clouds.
"Whew, so warm, I like it." Kelly complementing the weather, the warm wind touching her skin.
She walks on the concrete ground on her way to her new school, no roads for cars nearby, she looks around her surroundings, white walls her height that surrounds other houses, teens her age and above are walking pass her in her direction as she noticed, presumably going to her school too, they talk quietly to each other, most both boys and girls have black hair and brown/black eyes, contrasting Kelly's blonde hair and blue eyes.
Kelly feels comforting about the area's quiet neighborhood and her possible nice new neighbors.
"This is so peaceful, it's not like back in America with those stupid boys blasting their crap rap songs and girls acting slutty and talk trash about how pretty they are, bleh." She said to herself about her issues with the teens back in America. "But... I hope I can make friends here so I won't feel left out..." She looked down on the ground as she walked.
Unexpectedly, she bumped into someone in front of her without looking, she fall backwards.
"Waaaa... oof!" She landed on her bottom. "Ouch..." She looked up, she sees a black-haired boy in a school uniform wearing headphones her age but a little shorter who is walking away. "Oh... sorry about that! I didn't watch where I was going." She said aloud to the boy, he didn't respond and continues walking.
Kelly, still felt sorry, she run to meet him beside him.
"Hey, didn't you hear me? I want to..."
"Leave me alone..." The boy said, he doesn't look at her.
Kelly felt nervous. "Uh... I'm sorry if I made you upset, I'm fine that's all, what school you..."
The boy then looked at her with a angry stare, his eyes with red pupils showing. "Leave... me... alone, don't ever talk to me, don't ever see me, don't ever have me see your face, ever..." He pushed her into a nearby wall with one hand in the chest and walked at a faster pace to get away from her.
Kelly sat down against the wall, hugging herself, feeling despair. "What's wrong about him... was there something bothering him? I hate seeing people making of others back in America, but this boy... he's different..."
Kelly thought about his words. "It doesn't sound like that he hates foreigners or being pushed around, I can feel that he sounds... lonely, but why?"
Last edited by SamuraiCrimson18; June 06, 2014 at 01:14 PM.