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Thread: Demonation!

  1. #1
    Registered User 初心者/ Shoshinsha / Beginner
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    Jan 2011
    United States
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    Hello fellow viewers, i have been working on this story for a while now and i wanted to get some feedback. This is my first time posting on here, so if i break any rules i apologize in advance. Imagine the characters in men in black uniforms, since that is what they wear. Oh and one last thing, the japanese name is a name i chose for myself well its a long story i wont get into it and tell me what you think of the title? Also tell me what you think of the whole Demon corp paragraph in the begining...kind of cheesy i just made it right now. If you have any questions email me at, enjoy!


    By Ryokou Shinsekai (Ashraf Nasser)

    Demon Corp. a super top-secret corporation that specializes in keeping the balance between the supernatural and the living. Humans must never learn that every myth, legend and fairytale they have ever heard of is true. For if they did learn the truth the balance between the supernatural and the living would be broken cataclysm and chaos would wreak the earth and all order would be lost. We are the guardians of the earth and will gladly give our lives to defend it, this is our vow, this is our creed!

    Chapter I: Morning Superstar! Total Penetration?!

    (The scene begins with a zoom in on Mutsuo’s shiny bald red head, the scene shifts to
    Mutsuo typing on his computer, it shifts to his finger pressing the enter button. The printer begins to print. He lifts his triangular shaped shades and messages his eyes.) (*note you don’t ever see his eyes unless he’s pissed*.)

    Mutsuo: (Mutsuo stretches his body and yawns. He then grabs his coffee, the TV remote and rotates his chair) (turns on TV he notices a hot news reporter.) haw! (Hearts are coming out of his glasses.)

    News Reporter: (The scene shifts to the area of the news reporter) Good morning New Born city! Im reporting live where the mayor is going to cut the red ribbon Mr. Sango the owner of the Heart Sea restaurant has finally finished reconstruction after the mysterious fire that burned the restaurant down a year ago. We have a huge crowd of people who can’t wait to get their hands
    on some of Mr. Sango’s delicious seafood. (*note Sacr is the one who burnt down the restaurant
    a year ago.*)

    Mutsuo: (Scene switch) so cute! (Heats in his eyes)

    News Reporter: Mr. Sango can you share with us on how you feel today?

    Mr. Sango: (crying, wipes his tears) to tell you the truth I feel like (blows his nose with his handkerchief) my life can finally start again. (Crying) this is all I have left!

    News Reporter: Well Mr. Sango there is no doubt in my mind that your business will start booming in no time. Maybe even faster than one of our biggest tourist attractions the Wall State Building. (She moves her hand, showing that the Wall State Building is right behind her.)
    (As she does that the scene begins to move rapidly up the Wall State Building, until it reaches Sacr who is on the very top of the building standing on the needle tip. The perspective changes to an upward angle above and behind Sacr where you can see the king Kong sized demon climbing the Wall State Building.)

    Sacr: (he touches the side of his soul specs (glasses that can read the weight of a soul) and red lights appear.) (Looking down at the king kong sized demon and his soul weighs in 0kg) 0 kilograms?! Stupid soul specs, they must be on the fritz again. (He tosses his glasses at the demon)

    (Theirs a zoom in on Sacr, this is where in the manga it tells u his name in the box)

    Demon: (It hits his head and bounces off him to the packed city streets) GHU? (Looks up)

    Sacr: Since the soul specs won’t tell me your strength, I guess I’ll have to find out how strong you are (cracks his knuckles) the old fashion way! (Grins)

    Demon: Ghaa..(picking his nose and enjoying it)

    Sacr: ...(Demon is still picking his nose)...(Sacr gets angry) Stop picking your nose! Your
    completely ruining this moment!

    Demon: (Uses both hands to pick his nose) ghaaa...

    Sacr: Both hands! Bastard, you’re really trying to piss me off!

    Demon: Ghaha ghaha. (enjoying his nose picking fest)

    (The scene follows the glasses and it hits some guy who is smoking on the head)
    Person: Ow, what was that! (He looks up then down, he picks up the glasses) Shades (He tries them on, accidentally touches the side of the soul specs thus turning it on.) Woh! (The scene is shown through his eyes; he can see the souls of the people.) 21kg what’s that supposed to mean. (*note most humans can’t hear or see demons, angels, or ghost but they can see and hear other creatures.*)

    (The scene shifts to Lucy and Senbei who are standing adjacent of each other)

    Senbei: 0kg eh? So your just one big target after all, this’ll be fun! (Has a huge smile on his face)

    Lucy: Senbei! Don’t even think about it! We can’t afford to mess up anymore than we already have, we have to find Sacr.

    Senbei: Tchh, If i know Sacr he's probably on top of the building gloating on about his strength.

    (Sacr yells in the background. Lucy and Senbei look up.)

    Sacr: (says in the background) You better not! ewwww.

    Senbei: Woh, I was right.

    Lucy: Dam it Sacr what are you doing up there! (Shouting)

    Sacr: (looks down shouts back) huh?...oh, I needed a better view.

    Lucy: What!

    Sacr: (says in the background) I said I needed (gets cut off by Lucy)

    Lucy: I heard what you said!

    Demon: (Yawns) GHAA.

    Sacr: (says in the background) Don’t yawn, dam it, im about to kill you!

    Lucy: Get down from there, if someone see's u the chief will kill both you and Senbei.

    Senbei: You’re excluding yourself from the punishment just because you’re the chief’s daughter!

    Lucy: Not another word, or I'll tell my father.

    Senbei: so cruel...

    (The scene switches to Sacr)

    Sacr: ENOUGH!!! Im gonna blow you and your slimy boogers off the face of the earth!
    (he points his finger like a gun then suddenly blue fire forms from the tip of his fingers. Has an angry chibi face while doing it.) Hahaha!

    Senbei: That bastards gonna steal my prey! Hey i call this one!

    Lucy: No Sacr!

    Sacr: Get ready because theirs gonna be a world of hurt coming your (he slips and is in midair, its quiet and the blue fire evaporates, he then drops, landing on the needle tip and is completely and utterly penetrated.) WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (His voice echoes throughout the city and he grabs on to the pole he was standing on.)

    Lucy: (Shocked)

    News Reporter: (Scene switch) what was that!?

    Mutsuo: (Scene switch) Hmm?

    News Reporter: (Scene switch) That sounded like it was coming from the top of the Wall State Building (Camera man moves the camera towards the direction of the sounds origin and zooms in, it shows Sacr holding on the pole he was once standing on and has a pain tear.)

    Mutsuo: (drinking his coffee when he notices Sacr is on TV he spits it out) SACRR!!! (He presses the intercom) KOGENNNN!! GO GET THEM!

    Kogen: (replies) Roger.

    END By Ryokou Shinsekai (Ashraf Nasser)

    Mutsuo's rage boils...

    The intro sucks balls...

    leave me your feedback please, that is the reason why i posted it up here.
    Last edited by kingaskong1234; January 25, 2011 at 06:06 PM. Reason: Automerged Doublepost

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