Line 2: When a sentence starts with 一回/Once, a suggestion follows such as ~した方がいい or ~してもらった方がいい. In that case, the sentence can be something like "Maybe you should (do whatever to) the/your throat and shoulders (once)." Either you guess the abbreviated verb from the context to fill in or keep the translation similar to what you have. I am not sure about your usage of "on" without knowing the context.
Line 3: When reading your sentence, "your fingers" sounds more natural than "my fingers" You could start with "
WhateverWhenever " instead of "When." It's probably talking about his/her habit. Also change "were ~ing" to present tense. I would translate 口をとがらせる literally.
Last edited by mikkih; July 22, 2012 at 10:40 AM. Reason: correction in red