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This can be considered my next to final draft depending on reviews. Its not due for a week so I have pleanty of time to work on it.
This is for my English 101 class.
The assignment calls for 500+ word Narrative Essay.
Your reviews, thoughts, opinions, corrections are all welcome. Thank you for your time.
" Cant think of a title at the moment"
They are in the order I would like them to be read
I am a god all who in my path is crushed as they scream for justice and vengeance.
Victory tonight was a swift and simple matter. With my abilities all of my enemies movements
would stutter, some would walk into walls in the confusion while others would fire their weapons
wildly into the air hitting nothing all the easier for me to kill them. I successfully captured the enemys
treasure with little effort. I can still hear them screaming and crying pathetic.
It has been two weeks since I started fighting, If you could really call it that. Even though I was
never in the same squad twice the mundane jobs were allways the same, either we went after the enemys
supplies , destroy key storage areas or bases, or simply clear and eliminate the enemy in a particular area,
those were the objectives I could never accomplish. I always go in guns blazing only to meet the business end
of a bullet. We no I have never won a battle and defeat has become routine.
They continue to mock me in and after battle. So full of themselves it makes me sick. I try so
hard and fail day after day and they never let me forget it. I swear even if I have to sell my soul
I will make these bastards pay!
This is a day of days I have discovered a path between this world to heaven and I
crossed it. I have discovered the methods of becoming a god! All will be envious of my new found powers.
Those who mocked me before have met a swift death. The ground is littered with their
corpses. I laugh as the poor fools are summoned before me as I empty my bottomless clip into them.
My name has become synonymous with death. All the fools fall beneath my boots and die.
Lately I have felt a cold stare upon me. Not from the usual trash that I deal with, this felt strange.
Out of the corner of my eyes I thought I saw this solider in black armor staring at me from the distance.
I would always try to kill this man yet never find him when I get close No matter, such things do not concern a god.
The solider in black armor continues to follow me. I seem to see him where ever I use my
powers. Does this fool not understand the depth of my abilities? He should not underestimate me.
The solider in black is around every corner. And lately he was not alone. In the shadows
more and more of them continue to haunt my steps. I wonder if they are the angels of that domain I intruded upon.
They are everywhere now, I cannot step a foot without seeing them. Yet I pretend to not
notice them for the fear of losing everything. I must escape, even If I must risk it all! I MUST!
They have me. With tears in my eyes I read the words
You have been banned from X-box live. I cried to my mother to let me buy another account.
She sighed and told me Maybe on your 13th birthday I cried myself to sleep thinking I
shouldve played fair, I should not have cheated but its far too late for that now.
Last edited by Iceiphoenix; August 12, 2013 at 05:17 AM.
I want to help, but time is running out on me, so I can only revise one paragraph. Sorry though, but here it is.
I am a god all who (get rid of 'who') in my path is crushed as they scream for justice and vengeance.
Victory tonight was a swift and simple matter. With my abilities, all of my enemies movements
would stutter, some would walk(walk just doesn't seem dramatic/strong enough) into walls in the confusion while others would fire their weapons
wildly into the air, hitting nothing;all the easier for me to kill them (<< not sure if this part is grammatically correct). I successfully captured the enemys
treasure with little effort. I can(can/could??) still hear them screaming and crying pathetic.
Now, I haven't been able to read everything in your article, but as far as I can see it, it doesn't really belong to the essay category. It's more of a narrative, first person, story (I've only read up until day 14)
I'll be reading more of this and give you a proper review.
I would agree with some of the points that Peevee had mentioned in the above post. There are some excessive words that are not necessarily needed or sometimes, they are there but are entirely alien in the sentence. Like what Peevee said about
You could actually get rid of the who part there or you could add there "are" after who. Something like this:Originally Posted by Pevee
Also proper use of punctuation can be helpful in analyzing how the speaker in your work speaks
I know that you want to express here a certain pause between the "fighting" and the "If" that people usually use when they are speaking casually. What you could do here, is remove the comma and replace it with a long dash. something like thisQuote:
I'm really sorry if I'm quite the fault finder. But I used to work as an editor for a school paper that's why I get quite particular with regards to articles and all. If you don't mind maybe I can copyread it for you if you're still willing to submit it. Anyway, I still see it as a short story. Not as an essay. An essay as far as I know deals with the author's opinion that is written in a more or less straight forward manner.Quote:
Well it is assigned as a "essay" by the professer and she read and found it very interesting and passable. (the first draft of that ^) and I agree, its more of a short story. Thanks for the advice ^_^ Ill revise it more tommorow or sometime later and get back to you.
Thanks for your time ^_^