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Chapter 45 - "feelings" and the doom caused by them for a certain girl
I switsched chapters with snooge, so don't wonder please ^_^.
Part 1:
Part 2:
Part 3:
Part 4:
AUTHOR's NOTE:
I switsched chapters with snooge, so don't wonder please ^_^.
Part 1:
---flashback---
"You like him?"
"N-no, I don't."
"Your face tells the truth. You ARE in love with him."
"...Okay, I AM in love with the doctor."
"I knew it. You're so sweet when you try to hide your true feelings."
The girl pushed Magier forward to the door and wheedled her to ring the bell to the doctor's office. Magier stood in front of the door, kinda nervous and insisted that he would not be there anyway. Unfortunately, or was it luck though, the door opened and a man, aged in middle twenties, stood in front of a slightly shaking Magier who tried to hide her nervousness behind black hair and black eye-make-up. She cramped her hands with the black fingernails into the white cloth of her flounced dress. Magier felt like the breath had been pressed out of her lungs and no normal sentence would come over her lips.
"Ah, the girl from the neighbour district, near the ocean. Ehm, Miss McDeran, right?", the man asked friendly.
Magier tried to look at him but it didn't succeed properly. She could just see his white coat blowing in the wind and his hands akimbo.
"Iwantedtoaskifyoucouldgooutonadatewithme", Magier stammered, quitting the try to look in his beautiful deep blue eyes where you could get lost and continued staring at the ground of the little stair with the thin black balustrade she was standing on. Her friend already had disappeared, at the first sign of the door opening. Such a coward, leaving her alone when she was so nervous. She had known it to a hair's breadth yet she just left.
"What did you say", the doctor asked cause he was unable to understand the girl's interwoven gibberish. "I'm sorry. Can you repeat it?"
"No", Magier answered tersely and ran away. So many times she already had watched him from far away, hidden behind a tree or a banch, so many times visiting his doctor's office because she purposely had blessed herself just to be able to see him and now no normal, understandable sentence went over her lips and she just ran away like a little child that was scared of something unknown. She was such a coward.
"The cogs wouldn't continue to spin if she kept behaving like this, in this childish manner."
"You like him?"
"N-no, I don't."
"Your face tells the truth. You ARE in love with him."
"...Okay, I AM in love with the doctor."
"I knew it. You're so sweet when you try to hide your true feelings."
The girl pushed Magier forward to the door and wheedled her to ring the bell to the doctor's office. Magier stood in front of the door, kinda nervous and insisted that he would not be there anyway. Unfortunately, or was it luck though, the door opened and a man, aged in middle twenties, stood in front of a slightly shaking Magier who tried to hide her nervousness behind black hair and black eye-make-up. She cramped her hands with the black fingernails into the white cloth of her flounced dress. Magier felt like the breath had been pressed out of her lungs and no normal sentence would come over her lips.
"Ah, the girl from the neighbour district, near the ocean. Ehm, Miss McDeran, right?", the man asked friendly.
Magier tried to look at him but it didn't succeed properly. She could just see his white coat blowing in the wind and his hands akimbo.
"Iwantedtoaskifyoucouldgooutonadatewithme", Magier stammered, quitting the try to look in his beautiful deep blue eyes where you could get lost and continued staring at the ground of the little stair with the thin black balustrade she was standing on. Her friend already had disappeared, at the first sign of the door opening. Such a coward, leaving her alone when she was so nervous. She had known it to a hair's breadth yet she just left.
"What did you say", the doctor asked cause he was unable to understand the girl's interwoven gibberish. "I'm sorry. Can you repeat it?"
"No", Magier answered tersely and ran away. So many times she already had watched him from far away, hidden behind a tree or a banch, so many times visiting his doctor's office because she purposely had blessed herself just to be able to see him and now no normal, understandable sentence went over her lips and she just ran away like a little child that was scared of something unknown. She was such a coward.
"The cogs wouldn't continue to spin if she kept behaving like this, in this childish manner."
Part 2:
The summer was followed by the autumn and the trees began to lost all their leaves. The countryside was coined by an ocean of red, brown and yellow colours. The sidewalk Magier always walked on was covered with chestnut's leaves and her black, knee-high boots with the chequered bootlaces had to clear the way through the ocean of leaves and chestnuts. After the shameful event at the doctor's door at midsummer, Magier was unable to pay the doctor a visit. It got colder the past days and Magier never went out without her long black cardie that reached up to the hollow of her knees and almost merged together with her boots.
"I guess I should search for an occupation and quit thinking about the doctor", Magier thought but at that very moment, a black cylinder landed in front of her feet, carried by the wind. She bent down to lift and save it from the swallowing waves of red toned leaves when she noticed a pair of bright black shoes in her field of view when she reached out for the hat.
"Thanks for stopping my hat of disappearing in the inifinite amount of colourful leaves of this wonderful season", a voice thanked.
"No problem", Magier responded and unbended, dusting the hat down but when she recognized who was standing on front of her and smiling, she dropped the hat immediately.
"You", Magier pointed at the doctor.
"Yeah, it's me", the doctor laughed.
"Ah, I am sorry, the hat...", Magier stammered again and her face turned red.
"No problem", the doctor said, bent down and lifted the cylinder as Magier had done it a few seconds before. "Long time no see."
"E-eh, yeah...."
"No injuries lately? No pitched knee or a sprained wrist?", the man asked laughing and was now walking next to Magier along the sidewalk.
"N-no", Magier answered ashamed. This reminded her of all her hopeful tries to go to the doctor's office. Letting herself fall from the branch of a tree and hit the knee or sprain a wrist, maybe even try to hurt oneself more seriously to be able to stay at the office for a night or two.
"I can clearly remember all the times when you came to my office every week. I was astonished at the beginning but after a while, it was normal to see you at least once in a week. I almost thought it was your aim but who should hurt itself just for the purpose to go to my doctor's office."
"Hehe, yeah. What a crazy idea.", Magier agreed. "Oh my god, I am such a fool", she thought immediately.
"But I was really surprised seeing you here."
"Why?"
"I just saw you in my office but never somewhere outside. I know that you live in another district but..."
"..."
"Your family name is McDeran, right?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I just wondered, it's no German name."
"Yeah, it...it's the family name of my father who's an Englishman. My mother is German. But both died of Hodgkin's disease a year ago", Magier said sadly and her head eased off and she kept staring at the different coloured leaves under her feet. Like the tears that never came into being, the time stopped in this manner when the doctor gently caress the cheerless girl.
"He was like a caregiver for Magier."
But this caregiver should turn into her misery.
---flashback end---
"I guess I should search for an occupation and quit thinking about the doctor", Magier thought but at that very moment, a black cylinder landed in front of her feet, carried by the wind. She bent down to lift and save it from the swallowing waves of red toned leaves when she noticed a pair of bright black shoes in her field of view when she reached out for the hat.
"Thanks for stopping my hat of disappearing in the inifinite amount of colourful leaves of this wonderful season", a voice thanked.
"No problem", Magier responded and unbended, dusting the hat down but when she recognized who was standing on front of her and smiling, she dropped the hat immediately.
"You", Magier pointed at the doctor.
"Yeah, it's me", the doctor laughed.
"Ah, I am sorry, the hat...", Magier stammered again and her face turned red.
"No problem", the doctor said, bent down and lifted the cylinder as Magier had done it a few seconds before. "Long time no see."
"E-eh, yeah...."
"No injuries lately? No pitched knee or a sprained wrist?", the man asked laughing and was now walking next to Magier along the sidewalk.
"N-no", Magier answered ashamed. This reminded her of all her hopeful tries to go to the doctor's office. Letting herself fall from the branch of a tree and hit the knee or sprain a wrist, maybe even try to hurt oneself more seriously to be able to stay at the office for a night or two.
"I can clearly remember all the times when you came to my office every week. I was astonished at the beginning but after a while, it was normal to see you at least once in a week. I almost thought it was your aim but who should hurt itself just for the purpose to go to my doctor's office."
"Hehe, yeah. What a crazy idea.", Magier agreed. "Oh my god, I am such a fool", she thought immediately.
"But I was really surprised seeing you here."
"Why?"
"I just saw you in my office but never somewhere outside. I know that you live in another district but..."
"..."
"Your family name is McDeran, right?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I just wondered, it's no German name."
"Yeah, it...it's the family name of my father who's an Englishman. My mother is German. But both died of Hodgkin's disease a year ago", Magier said sadly and her head eased off and she kept staring at the different coloured leaves under her feet. Like the tears that never came into being, the time stopped in this manner when the doctor gently caress the cheerless girl.
"He was like a caregiver for Magier."
But this caregiver should turn into her misery.
---flashback end---
Part 3:
Magier stared into the sky. It was night, to be accurate: midnight. The small camp the Noah and, in her opinion, shitty little kids stayed in was too far away to hear any chime. Moreover it was impossible to hear a chime anyway cause the closest town where a campanile could have been stand, had been destroyed...by her hands. In her then endless fury she wouldn't have noticed any tower thereabout anyway. If there had been, it would have been burst to dust within seconds.
Magier stretched herself. It had been an exhausting day. Amaterasu had tried to persuade the children to play a trick on Magier but unfortunately the only way to annoy a person they knew was to tickle this person to death. And after the harsh insults of Magier some days ago, the children were scared of her. So it was no wonder that Jaque's try to bring them closer to the girl had dwindled into nothingness, also because Magier had refused to even be in one room with those vermins. When she said "vermins" she had not just won an angry look of Jaques but also a slap. Magier touched the spot where the slap hit her left cheek. She had been shocked back that time but then, after she had rally herself, immediately left the room without deign to look at the priest. Afterwards she really regretted her ignorance cause later the evening Jaques had been missing for a short period of time. Magier had begun to worry about him, even Amaterasu had done so cause it wasn't normal for a Noah of his character to leave without saying a word, especially not when it took so long. Magier had wandered around in front of the bathroom after she had taken all her courage and just entered it, not hearing of what Amaterasu complained about "destroying men's honour and disturbing their privacy". She had come out shaking her head. He had been gone. And so, the time of waiting had broached.
It was a suffer Magier hadn't known about and this shocked and confussed her the same time.
At midnight, Magier and Amaterasu had heard a rumpling and rushed to the bathroom, Magier at the front. When they shut open the door, the sight that had trended in front of them had been horrible. Blood had stuck on the white wall and even had continued to splash around. The origin from where the blood had drawn had been lying on the floor cowered. It was Jaques. His injuries seemed to be deadly, luckily they weren't. Magier had screamed as if she had never seen so many blood before and this point was which Amaterasu had wondered about and still wondered.
In the moment, Jaques was on the way to regain himself but up to now, he wasn't poised to tell them what had happened back that time.
Magier was kind of irritated by his silent manner so she didn't talk to him nor try to come in contact with him. But she wouldn't be able to bear it any longer. The distance between them. She threw a stone in to the lake she was sitting on thinking about past things. Her mirror image on the surface blurred.
"So you still can't look into the others' eyes properly, girl?", Magier whispered to herself, leaning back. "What a Noah I am please?"
Magier bent forward to take a handful of fresh water in order to clean her face and her mind. Shortly before the fingertips of her right hand were touching the water surface where stars and the bright shining moon reflected themselves, she took a look at her miserable face. It looked exactly the same as the time the doctor had caressed her. So cheerless and monochrome of missing feelings. No tear, no smile, nothing.
It was like staring into a puppet's face. But sometimes her true feelings just bubbled up. Everyone had feelings, no matter how hard they tried to hide them like Magier did it. And then, when a climax of complete excesses was reached, the feelings couldn't be hold back. Thus, for Magier, a point of climax was...
"When I encounter things I wish to forget, or...", Magier said. "...when I am fighting?"
Magier leaned back anew, steadying herself with the arms and slightly laughed. "When I am fighting. So this is what makes me feel content? I have really something in common with Tyki. I should tell him the next time we meet."
---flashback---
"What's with this girl?"
"I don't know. She just keeps staring at us. But with what look. Creepy."
"I'm shivering."
"Hurry and let's leave otherwise we will certainly get cursed."
"Haha, yeah. Let's leave."
"Why you are sitting here all alone?"
"I've been waiting for you", Magier replied.
"All alone?"
"The others are scared of me. That's why. They don't wanna be close to me nor talk or play with me. But I don't care."
"What about your friend who always accompanied you?"
"She's no longer here", the girl said in a monotone way as if she didn't care about this fact and the truth that lay behind it.
"And the other one? You had two best friends, right?"
"Both left me."
"Are you content with this way of life?"
"Yes, I am. As long as you are with me", Magier said and watched into the doctor's eyes.
Brown, red and yellow coloured leaves kept blowing in the wind, passing the two person by. One was sitting one a bench, wearing a black, flounced dress, the other one was standing close to the girl. A man by all appearance. He wore a black suit and was holding a cylinder in his left hand. It was like a timelss river the girl waded through. The summer was followed by the autumn, the autumn by the winter, spring, summer and finally autumn again. The only person who could save her from this swallowing infinity was the person with the black suit, the cylinder and the warm smile. The only person who concerned himself with her, who came close to her. But also the only person who was able to back her up into the timelss river.
"Deceit is a sin."
---flashback end---
Magier stretched herself. It had been an exhausting day. Amaterasu had tried to persuade the children to play a trick on Magier but unfortunately the only way to annoy a person they knew was to tickle this person to death. And after the harsh insults of Magier some days ago, the children were scared of her. So it was no wonder that Jaque's try to bring them closer to the girl had dwindled into nothingness, also because Magier had refused to even be in one room with those vermins. When she said "vermins" she had not just won an angry look of Jaques but also a slap. Magier touched the spot where the slap hit her left cheek. She had been shocked back that time but then, after she had rally herself, immediately left the room without deign to look at the priest. Afterwards she really regretted her ignorance cause later the evening Jaques had been missing for a short period of time. Magier had begun to worry about him, even Amaterasu had done so cause it wasn't normal for a Noah of his character to leave without saying a word, especially not when it took so long. Magier had wandered around in front of the bathroom after she had taken all her courage and just entered it, not hearing of what Amaterasu complained about "destroying men's honour and disturbing their privacy". She had come out shaking her head. He had been gone. And so, the time of waiting had broached.
It was a suffer Magier hadn't known about and this shocked and confussed her the same time.
At midnight, Magier and Amaterasu had heard a rumpling and rushed to the bathroom, Magier at the front. When they shut open the door, the sight that had trended in front of them had been horrible. Blood had stuck on the white wall and even had continued to splash around. The origin from where the blood had drawn had been lying on the floor cowered. It was Jaques. His injuries seemed to be deadly, luckily they weren't. Magier had screamed as if she had never seen so many blood before and this point was which Amaterasu had wondered about and still wondered.
In the moment, Jaques was on the way to regain himself but up to now, he wasn't poised to tell them what had happened back that time.
Magier was kind of irritated by his silent manner so she didn't talk to him nor try to come in contact with him. But she wouldn't be able to bear it any longer. The distance between them. She threw a stone in to the lake she was sitting on thinking about past things. Her mirror image on the surface blurred.
"So you still can't look into the others' eyes properly, girl?", Magier whispered to herself, leaning back. "What a Noah I am please?"
Magier bent forward to take a handful of fresh water in order to clean her face and her mind. Shortly before the fingertips of her right hand were touching the water surface where stars and the bright shining moon reflected themselves, she took a look at her miserable face. It looked exactly the same as the time the doctor had caressed her. So cheerless and monochrome of missing feelings. No tear, no smile, nothing.
It was like staring into a puppet's face. But sometimes her true feelings just bubbled up. Everyone had feelings, no matter how hard they tried to hide them like Magier did it. And then, when a climax of complete excesses was reached, the feelings couldn't be hold back. Thus, for Magier, a point of climax was...
"When I encounter things I wish to forget, or...", Magier said. "...when I am fighting?"
Magier leaned back anew, steadying herself with the arms and slightly laughed. "When I am fighting. So this is what makes me feel content? I have really something in common with Tyki. I should tell him the next time we meet."
---flashback---
"What's with this girl?"
"I don't know. She just keeps staring at us. But with what look. Creepy."
"I'm shivering."
"Hurry and let's leave otherwise we will certainly get cursed."
"Haha, yeah. Let's leave."
"Why you are sitting here all alone?"
"I've been waiting for you", Magier replied.
"All alone?"
"The others are scared of me. That's why. They don't wanna be close to me nor talk or play with me. But I don't care."
"What about your friend who always accompanied you?"
"She's no longer here", the girl said in a monotone way as if she didn't care about this fact and the truth that lay behind it.
"And the other one? You had two best friends, right?"
"Both left me."
"Are you content with this way of life?"
"Yes, I am. As long as you are with me", Magier said and watched into the doctor's eyes.
Brown, red and yellow coloured leaves kept blowing in the wind, passing the two person by. One was sitting one a bench, wearing a black, flounced dress, the other one was standing close to the girl. A man by all appearance. He wore a black suit and was holding a cylinder in his left hand. It was like a timelss river the girl waded through. The summer was followed by the autumn, the autumn by the winter, spring, summer and finally autumn again. The only person who could save her from this swallowing infinity was the person with the black suit, the cylinder and the warm smile. The only person who concerned himself with her, who came close to her. But also the only person who was able to back her up into the timelss river.
"Deceit is a sin."
---flashback end---
Part 4:
Magier watched a shooting star passing by on the dark blue night sky and traced the line it had gone with her finger.
"Regret? Did I ever regret the life I've chosen as Noah?", Magier said as if she would talk with a person in front of her. "The answer is: No!
Did I ever regret how I had lived back that time? The answer is: No! Did I ever regret with whom I had shared my feelings? The answer is: Yes! So why do I regret sharing my feelings? The answer is: Deceit! Share your feelings and you will be disappointed. Except of feelings that redound to your advantage. Humans are ecoistic. So why shouldn't your feelings be of egoistic nature too? The answer: There's no answer. It's a common phenomenon, that's all. So, having feelings when doing something that satisfied you like fighting, is okay. But what exactly are those regrettable feelings that shouldn't be? Feelings you have because of satisfaction are egoistic. Feelings you share are regrettable but unavoidable. So there are two different meanings in the word "feeling". You should devide it into controlable and unavoidable feelings. Humans can't draw a distinction between those two constituents, that's why I hate humans. But how to wash away "unavoidable feelings"? The answer is..."
"You don't know it"
Magier startled up, then turned around and faced Jaques. She didn't expect him to be already fully regained. Moreover she didn't expect him to pop up behind her in the middle of the night. The female Noah wasn't able to hold the look she threw to Jaques, so she stared at the ground and it looked like she was searching a certain point on it.
"You're also human, you know", Jaques said. "Can you really cause such feelings to vanish? I doubt it. You can hide them but even a timeless river joins the ocean."
"You are definitely human. After all, you weren't able to beat a certain bastard, am I right?", Magier threw back in sarcasm.
"He used strength that wasn't given to him by God, so it was imbalanced", Jaques answered, still in his calm yet serious voice that slightly scared Magier. "But what about the Innocence? I heard something about an Innocence close to us."
"The exorcists have it."
"What are you telling?"
"I said the exorcists got it", Magier almost shouted. This topic was definitely not in her will and Jaques noticed it but he didn't care about the uncomfortableness the girl might felt for the conversation.
"Why haven't you got it first? Why did we search for it for so long, killing countless bookmen for the purpose to find this damned Innocence?", Jaque's voice slighty got a harsher sound.
"It wasn't the heart anyway. Furthermore..."
"Furthermore?"
Magier's fist cramped into the grass under her hand and she felt like squeezing every little drop of vitality out of these culms. If she just had the ability of Amaterasu to reverts the animated to their origin and burst it to dust. Finally she looked up or at least tried it but it miscarried her.
Magier felt similar to the time when she had been standing in front of the doctor's door, totally unprepared when he had opened the door.
"Furthermore I was worried about your state", Magier replied but immediately added that she couldn't think properly that time, so she hadn't known what to do next.
"You're also human, you know. Can you really cause such feelings to vanish?"
"Then, I guess we have to wait for new orders from the Earl's side. I think he's already informed about the loss of another Innocence", Jaques said coldly. Magier nodded slowly.
"Amaterasu informed him."
"At least one guy who does his job properly", Jaques complained and turned his back to Magier who still stared at the ground with a miserable occuring feeling. "When we haven't received any new orders till the morning, we will continue haunting bookmen and information about the Heart, the Earl got his eyes on. It can't be that just one Innocence is hidden in this country."
And so he left, leaving a desperate Magier behind.
"I...am...human too", Magier whistled, grasping her head with both hands. "I...hate myself."
"Regret? Did I ever regret the life I've chosen as Noah?", Magier said as if she would talk with a person in front of her. "The answer is: No!
Did I ever regret how I had lived back that time? The answer is: No! Did I ever regret with whom I had shared my feelings? The answer is: Yes! So why do I regret sharing my feelings? The answer is: Deceit! Share your feelings and you will be disappointed. Except of feelings that redound to your advantage. Humans are ecoistic. So why shouldn't your feelings be of egoistic nature too? The answer: There's no answer. It's a common phenomenon, that's all. So, having feelings when doing something that satisfied you like fighting, is okay. But what exactly are those regrettable feelings that shouldn't be? Feelings you have because of satisfaction are egoistic. Feelings you share are regrettable but unavoidable. So there are two different meanings in the word "feeling". You should devide it into controlable and unavoidable feelings. Humans can't draw a distinction between those two constituents, that's why I hate humans. But how to wash away "unavoidable feelings"? The answer is..."
"You don't know it"
Magier startled up, then turned around and faced Jaques. She didn't expect him to be already fully regained. Moreover she didn't expect him to pop up behind her in the middle of the night. The female Noah wasn't able to hold the look she threw to Jaques, so she stared at the ground and it looked like she was searching a certain point on it.
"You're also human, you know", Jaques said. "Can you really cause such feelings to vanish? I doubt it. You can hide them but even a timeless river joins the ocean."
"You are definitely human. After all, you weren't able to beat a certain bastard, am I right?", Magier threw back in sarcasm.
"He used strength that wasn't given to him by God, so it was imbalanced", Jaques answered, still in his calm yet serious voice that slightly scared Magier. "But what about the Innocence? I heard something about an Innocence close to us."
"The exorcists have it."
"What are you telling?"
"I said the exorcists got it", Magier almost shouted. This topic was definitely not in her will and Jaques noticed it but he didn't care about the uncomfortableness the girl might felt for the conversation.
"Why haven't you got it first? Why did we search for it for so long, killing countless bookmen for the purpose to find this damned Innocence?", Jaque's voice slighty got a harsher sound.
"It wasn't the heart anyway. Furthermore..."
"Furthermore?"
Magier's fist cramped into the grass under her hand and she felt like squeezing every little drop of vitality out of these culms. If she just had the ability of Amaterasu to reverts the animated to their origin and burst it to dust. Finally she looked up or at least tried it but it miscarried her.
Magier felt similar to the time when she had been standing in front of the doctor's door, totally unprepared when he had opened the door.
"Furthermore I was worried about your state", Magier replied but immediately added that she couldn't think properly that time, so she hadn't known what to do next.
"You're also human, you know. Can you really cause such feelings to vanish?"
"Then, I guess we have to wait for new orders from the Earl's side. I think he's already informed about the loss of another Innocence", Jaques said coldly. Magier nodded slowly.
"Amaterasu informed him."
"At least one guy who does his job properly", Jaques complained and turned his back to Magier who still stared at the ground with a miserable occuring feeling. "When we haven't received any new orders till the morning, we will continue haunting bookmen and information about the Heart, the Earl got his eyes on. It can't be that just one Innocence is hidden in this country."
And so he left, leaving a desperate Magier behind.
"I...am...human too", Magier whistled, grasping her head with both hands. "I...hate myself."
AUTHOR's NOTE:
Hodgkin's lymphoma, also known as Hodgkin's disease, is a type of lymphoma first described by Thomas Hodgkin in 1832. Hodgkin's lymphoma is characterized clinically by the orderly spread of disease from one lymph node group to another and by the development of systemic symptoms with advanced disease. Pathologically, the disease is characterized by the presence of Reed-Sternberg cells. Hodgkin's lymphoma was one of the first cancers to be rendered curable by combination chemotherapy.
And finally, some things that could be unclear about this chapter. The girls that take Magier's name in vain in part 3 are just some random girls. The both mentioned girls by Magier are her best friends. One of them, she killed. You remember the little flashback in my earlier chapters?
By the way, I quoted some sentences you maybe can remember from my last chapter. Some important sentences. They are printed in cursive characters.
And finally, some things that could be unclear about this chapter. The girls that take Magier's name in vain in part 3 are just some random girls. The both mentioned girls by Magier are her best friends. One of them, she killed. You remember the little flashback in my earlier chapters?
By the way, I quoted some sentences you maybe can remember from my last chapter. Some important sentences. They are printed in cursive characters.
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I love her tragedy I just want to make her feel better 
