Question Friends vs. Acquaintances: Being Nice or Being Taken Advantage Of?

[Slaynoir]

So here's my dilemma. I'm kind of, how do you say it, niave? I tend to be unjudgmental by default (and is one of my biggest faults at times) and indifferent. It has recently come to my attention this is considered 'mean' or in another way, 'difficult' to understand when it comes to making relations last. So I'm no expert or nothing, but I understand people pretty well (I tend to study more than anything, I like to observe how people interact with one another, by example). It's not a trait that is really meant to judge, but rather to learn and adapt to my situation.

So here's my question in regards to the thread's purpose.

I literally have no connections. No 'friends' IRL or well, anywhere. I consider many people to be if not outside of the friend zone and in the acquaintance zone. Sometimes due to my indifference of one or the other zones, I tend to say too much that it makes situations awkward. That is due to me being quite open about anything I've experienced or have interest in. I'm not afraid to say what I feel like saying, doing, or feeling. So does that make me, whose a loner in a sense, a strange or mean person? That I don't tend to consider other people as either friend or acquaintance?

I mean, I won't go and tell you important things that could be detrimental to my health or well being, or if you're someone I hold disdain for (which by the way, takes ALOT for me to get mad and hold a grudge at the same time). But from the inside perspective, I find it odd that someone would consider 'being a friend' means 'doing things that you both enjoy as friends' as better or the right way all the time. What if you simply wish to be nice to someone? They needn't be friends per-say to treat them or do something kind do they?

Here's my situation.

I lived with some peculiar individuals not that long ago, last year-ish. I recently moved in-town (from out in the middle of butternut nowhere) and have even gotten a job, so I'm not a NEET anymore, but still a shut-in alas. I never really had 'liked' or 'disliked' them, despite their obnoxious behavior and often typical actions of children that need a lesson. As example, there was one person that had a very bad obbsession with food. To the point they would try to make it look like I was eating what wasn't mine, like raw bread dough for instance. They'd leave cans of it hidden in my trash (as the time I had a baby Vole I kept as a pet I rescued so there was a lot of bedding being thrown out every so often.) and other items that quite frankly, should make anyone fume and boil over over...

However. I do not care anymore nor have any feels of hate or disgust. I've gotten over it. So is it wrong to treat people whom, not my friend nor anyone I care to be around, still treat them and do nice things for them? Am I simply being taken advantage of? But the other problem is they are under the impression that they are my friend, yet I can't really bring myself to say I'm not. I don't want them to be mad at me, yet I don't care if I am or not in the first place. I simply do not wish to hurt their feelings.

So if you were in this situation, what would you suggest? I'm thinking of inviting these 'persons' to a event where I will pay for them to enjoy themselves. Honestly, I see it as a way to pass time and do something useful and nice for another. But I'm not sure how to go about this. I'm genuinely a kind person, but I often miss communication skills and means of what is different between being obliged and being truthful to others when I feel indifferent.

So yeah, it's complicated. I'm not very good at the whole 'social scene' but I sure can act like it. Though I generally really don't feel much when it comes to 'relationships' with others. It seems so foreign to me. Why must you be friends with someone when you can simply be nice to everyone? I don't really care if I get something in return or not. All I want is to make others pleased. Their gratitude is enough for me, regardless if they are my friends or a random person I meet somewhere. Does it mean I have commitment issues? Do I possible lack common sense? What is it that even defines someone as one who is different from an acquaintance? I've very few connections. So I don't know who to ask these sorts of things...

 

[Lonewolf187]

better off being alone than with company i'd say

 

[XXGenesis]

Thanks for sharing and I hope my words of advice can help you.

From you describing yourself, No you don’t seem to be a bad person ( Malicious, Negative). We are who we are, being aware of your personality and how others perceive you is an important skill. That being said, I understand the delicate social balance of roommates or friends.

As you said you don’t have any friends. I’m sure you measure your friendships pretty justifiably. This person doesn’t sound like a friend by any measure. You spending your money on them to enjoy a good time is you being naive. They more than likely won’t be grateful at all.

 

[AnimePigeon]

So here's my dilemma. I'm kind of, how do you say it, niave? I tend to be unjudgmental by default (and is one of my biggest faults at times) and indifferent. It has recently come to my attention this is considered 'mean' or in another way, 'difficult' to understand when it comes to making relations last. So I'm no expert or nothing, but I understand people pretty well (I tend to study more than anything, I like to observe how people interact with one another, by example). It's not a trait that is really meant to judge, but rather to learn and adapt to my situation.

So here's my question in regards to the thread's purpose.

I literally have no connections. No 'friends' IRL or well, anywhere. I consider many people to be if not outside of the friend zone and in the acquaintance zone. Sometimes due to my indifference of one or the other zones, I tend to say too much that it makes situations awkward. That is due to me being quite open about anything I've experienced or have interest in. I'm not afraid to say what I feel like saying, doing, or feeling. So does that make me, whose a loner in a sense, a strange or mean person? That I don't tend to consider other people as either friend or acquaintance?

I mean, I won't go and tell you important things that could be detrimental to my health or well being, or if you're someone I hold disdain for (which by the way, takes ALOT for me to get mad and hold a grudge at the same time). But from the inside perspective, I find it odd that someone would consider 'being a friend' means 'doing things that you both enjoy as friends' as better or the right way all the time. What if you simply wish to be nice to someone? They needn't be friends per-say to treat them or do something kind do they?

Here's my situation.

I lived with some peculiar individuals not that long ago, last year-ish. I recently moved in-town (from out in the middle of butternut nowhere) and have even gotten a job, so I'm not a NEET anymore, but still a shut-in alas. I never really had 'liked' or 'disliked' them, despite their obnoxious behavior and often typical actions of children that need a lesson. As example, there was one person that had a very bad obbsession with food. To the point they would try to make it look like I was eating what wasn't mine, like raw bread dough for instance. They'd leave cans of it hidden in my trash (as the time I had a baby Vole I kept as a pet I rescued so there was a lot of bedding being thrown out every so often.) and other items that quite frankly, should make anyone fume and boil over over...

However. I do not care anymore nor have any feels of hate or disgust. I've gotten over it. So is it wrong to treat people whom, not my friend nor anyone I care to be around, still treat them and do nice things for them? Am I simply being taken advantage of? But the other problem is they are under the impression that they are my friend, yet I can't really bring myself to say I'm not. I don't want them to be mad at me, yet I don't care if I am or not in the first place. I simply do not wish to hurt their feelings.

So if you were in this situation, what would you suggest? I'm thinking of inviting these 'persons' to a event where I will pay for them to enjoy themselves. Honestly, I see it as a way to pass time and do something useful and nice for another. But I'm not sure how to go about this. I'm genuinely a kind person, but I often miss communication skills and means of what is different between being obliged and being truthful to others when I feel indifferent.

So yeah, it's complicated. I'm not very good at the whole 'social scene' but I sure can act like it. Though I generally really don't feel much when it comes to 'relationships' with others. It seems so foreign to me. Why must you be friends with someone when you can simply be nice to everyone? I don't really care if I get something in return or not. All I want is to make others pleased. Their gratitude is enough for me, regardless if they are my friends or a random person I meet somewhere. Does it mean I have commitment issues? Do I possible lack common sense? What is it that even defines someone as one who is different from an acquaintance? I've very few connections. So I don't know who to ask these sorts of things...

Hey @Slaynoir!

You'll probably never see this, but wanted to reply incase my post might help someone else that comes by.

Firstly, I hope there was some improvement to your situation - one shouldn't expect a miracle to happen & "ressurect" them (in a sense) or provide a new lease on life - but you can encounter situations out of the blue that will dramatically increase your quality of life, but that sometimes involves leaving the house where possible.

I totally understand OverSharing with people, potentially Overbearing, sadly interest, intelligence or even knowledge of a niche topic can typically be seen in a negative light by some, but you can't control how others think, all that matters is what you think.

I've had my fair share of instances where I forgot where the line, lost track of my train of thought , only to blurt out the most random, bizarre discussion topics or to accidentally break the ice with a personal story that could have been too much for a first meet

Regarding Friends vs Acquaintances, I've typically had the inverse struggle, of being unable to differentiate them, but almost immediately slotting people into being Friends - this can be great with the right type of people, but you leave yourself more vulnerable to being manipulated that way. If you assume everyone is an Acquaintance, then that's just pushing people away, and unless you want to be alone, that's no way to live

Most of my IRL Friends are mainly the children of my mother's friends, that are a few years older or younger than me, mixed in with a few relatives. It's not the be all end all to have everyone as a friend, at some point it becomes too much and more of a hinderance, leading to more chance of being manipulated.

My Online Friends have mainly come in the form of Xbox/PlayStation people I have played with over the years, but as with most things, some fade away, some leave, some die - no one is eternal, and no one is spared from tragedy.

In recent years, a lot of my friends have come in the form of people I have played Social Deduction via Steam/Console Games, or Discord Servers & Mafia/Werewolf Forums across the Internet Just like Mafia/Werewolf Games - Mangahelpers

Please Note, it is usually fine to help or assist friends in life, but you must first know that they actually want to receive that help - otherwise you might end up wasting your time on someone.

I think these days, there are so many "Politcally Appropriate" or "Niche Culture" ways to interact, that it can be very hard (almost like a minefield) to know what's appropriate to say &/or not. So it makes it a lot harder for people to associate with other upbringing or life's or backgrounds.

I think having the right balance of IRL & Online Friends is critical having good Mental Health & even Physical Health. Some people can find partners or best friends online where they might never meet them in-person vice-versa.

I've never been afraid to get to know Online Friends in person if the opportunity arises, but you've just got to be careful & cautious. I've met countless amounts of my Online Friends in the past, and luckily for me, I only had 1 that didn't work out well. So try to be open to any opportunities or situations in life that pop up, but don't depend on them or wait for them, just as people say love comes to those that wait at the strangest of times, it can also work for a deep-rooted friendship.

Regarding the Situation you describe, whilst there isn't a "Normal" Life Experience or anything that can be used to measure or define what is needed/required for someone to be "Normal" - I would say it's just always best to resort to treating people how you would like to be treated.

Don't want to make friends but don't want to cause issues? - Bear a light smile, but don't get too involved with them.

Want to potentially make more friends? - Be courteous, polite & hopefully people will treat you in the same regard. As the Penguins of Madagascar would say, "Smile & Wave Boys"!

Treating people how you want to be treated in return doesn't mean needlessly "treating" people to favours, errands or gifts - Friendships are meant to be 2-way roads.

I would say you just haven't found the right sort of folk or people to interact with - which is a shame, because had I joined Mangahelpers sooner, I could have directed you to the awesome Mafia/Werewolf Community!

If you did end up doing the Event you proposed, I hope it went well, and I would love to hear about it if you were ever able to reply.

Just try not to get into a Faux Friendship where it's all
"Give" on your part & "Take" on the others. Sometimes people change, sometimes people have personality clashes, so don't just settle for a friendship or acquaintances that you don't want or get any fair/shared value from.

better off being alone than with company i'd say

Thanks for sharing and I hope my words of advice can help you.

From you describing yourself, No you don’t seem to be a bad person ( Malicious, Negative). We are who we are, being aware of your personality and how others perceive you is an important skill. That being said, I understand the delicate social balance of roommates or friends.

As you said you don’t have any friends. I’m sure you measure your friendships pretty justifiably. This person doesn’t sound like a friend by any measure. You spending your money on them to enjoy a good time is you being naive. They more than likely won’t be grateful at all.

I partially agree with the advice from @Lonewolf187 & @XXGenesis - but I feel it's best to have a degree of Social Life (both IRL & Online) along with some time to process your own thoughts, feelings & emotions from time to time.

Being alone can dreadful if you yearn for company, affection, love or just companionship - but the inverse can be true if you yearn for space & a degree of seclusion - just try not to devote your life to work too much, as when you do that your more "Living/Surviving to Work" & not "Working to Live/Survive".

I see @Static & @Shad liked your post Slaynoir (I would love to hear any comments they may have regarding the thread on a reread) - I would like to think I'm not the only one that would be pleasantly surprised & happy were you able to give us an update on yourself!

Little hello to @CecilGog, the page suggests maybe a guest in the thread, but would love to hear from you in this topic!

Enough of me Rambling!

I hope everyone has a great weekend!