Gintama 670

I knew the Gorilla would have something to say about how shounen manga have wrapped up in recent years but for him to savagely beat the shit out of every trope he can lay his meaty hands on was far beyond my expectations, and I love it.




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GINTAMA
SORACHI HIDEAKI
Lesson 670: Signboard.
Shinpachi: No matter how many times I glance around, it’s hard to get the impression that this country won after all that.
(Bottom text- The TV anime “Silver soul arc” airs late night Sundays at 1:35 on TV Tokyo and it’s affiliates!!)
Gintoki: We won but we lost, essentially.
In fact pretty much frickin’ everyone lost.
Upsy-daisy…
(Sfx- Garii *grab*)
(Sfx- Goto *tkh*)
Gintoki: Damn, this is friggin’ terrible.
Is there a comeback from this?

002
Shinpachi: I wonder that too.
There are things that’ll eventually return to normal..
And others that, well….

003
Shinpachi: Ane and Mone-san said that…
They’re not sure when he’ll awaken, if ever.
There’s a good chance he may stay that way.
Or even wake up today, right now.
But one thing is for sure at least…
And that’s there’s nothing we can do on our own to wake him up.
Kagura: Every planet has Inugami, yes?
Perhaps this planet doesn’t have a way, but that is not to say other planets do not.
Gin-chan, I have decided.
I already talked to Papi and everyone else.
Shinpachi: We’re coming with—
Kagura: You will not.
Kagura: Any guy who would leave their home wrecked like this to pursue a woman’s ass…
Is not one who I want help from.
Shinpachi: K—Kagura-chan?!

004
Gintoki: Did I ever tell you guys why I started the Yorozuya?
I’ll cut to the chase….it’s cause I had nothing to do.
Didn’t feel up to doing anything so I decided to do everything.
Ain’t that the worst kinda nonsense?
Though hey, I mean we got this far on that kinda logic, so I can’t knock it.
And then for reasons I don’t understand a bunch of rejects who were into the same shit showed up…
And I kinda forgot that this has to come to an end someday.
Shinpachi: What are you talking about?
You’re not one to wax poetic about the past…
Are you saying that you want to quit no—
Gintoki: So we made a decision…
That if we all ended up having stuff to do –
Stuff we have to do then…

005
Gintoki: We’d have to take down…
That nonsensical signboard at last.
I’ve found…
Something I need to do.
Shinpachi…
What about you?
What do you…
Wanna do?

006
???: Sir?
What’s this about?
This Yoruzuya Gin-chan thingy?
(Card- Yoruzuya Gin-chan, Shimura Shinpachi.)
Shinpachi: Hm?
Kid: I’m asking who’s Gin-chan, and why’s his name on this business card?
Cause, sir, your name is…
Shimura Shinpachi, right?
So shouldn’t it be Yorozuya Shin-chan?
(Sfx- Kan kan kan kan *tok tok tok tok*)
Shinpachi: He’s…no longer around.

007
Shinpachi: But without him…
There would be no Yorozuya.
I’d even go as far as saying….
The same goes…
For Edo and I.
So…
I don’t want to forget him…
I want to cherish that memory…
Of him, and us the Yorozuya.
Kid: Ooh…
Wait, do you mean the hero from the war?
(Sfx- Zatthh *tfft*)

008
Shinpachi: Well…I wouldn’t go that far, he’s not…
Kid: I get it, my pops told me…
That when the war had ended all the Bakufu who had run off came back after things had been settled…
And started arguing over who should get the cred for saving Edo.
Shinpachi: And they’re all imposters.
The true hero…
The person who saved Edo…and us…
Was that man…
(Top- Professional Samurai styling: The last Samurai)
(Sfx- Tooounnn *veooooom*)
Narration: Until that man showed up…
Everyone believed that those creatures would be annihilated.

009
Somedude: Without him…
Forget Earth, the entire universe would have been annihilated, I think.
Someotherdude: It was impressive….with just a speech..
He rendered status, alliance, everything moot and brought everyone together as one.
I felt it down to my skin and bones –this is truly what a hero is.
No, that’s not quite right….on your planet men like that are…
Men,
Daring to fight against extinction,
Like Osamurai.
In short…
Madao.
{Hasegawa Taizou}

010
Narration: The image of the last samurai who saved the world…
Is finally caught on film.
With the military force of millions pressing upon him…
He fought them all off on his own.
(Bottom text- This is a recreation of these events as portrayed by the person in question.)
(Sfx- Baki dokoh (thok, wham)
Hasegawa: Whattha…
Director, something actually friggin’ hit me, dammit!
(Handwritten- Owwww.)
(Handwritten- Up ya go.)
Narration: And armed with charisma he turned enemies into allies with a simple speech.
And when despair descended with great force…
Hasegawa: THIS IS REALLY HEAVY!! LIGHTEN IT UP, I’M BEGGIN’ YA!!
Narration: It was his strength alone that stopped it in its tracks!
Oh, we should mention that his glasses were obliterated while he analyzed the enemy’s attacks.
Hasegawa: SERIOUSLY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
(Sfx- Barrrinn *clatter*)
Hasegawa: Hero? Last Samurai? To be honest neither of those names really do me justice.
I’m like several different things while being nothing at all.

011
Hasegawa: I’m unemployed.
Narration: Professional Stylish Samurai Hasegawa Taizou the TV special is coming to screens…
(Sfx- Dogooooh *wham*)
(Sfx- Pusuh Pusuh *ssshhhhht*)
Shinpachi: I’m back, Sister.
Tae: Oh? Welcome home Shin-chan.
You’re back early today, aren’t you?
I was just turning the TV off to prepare dinner.
Shinpachi: Uh, sure, but could you maybe not use Frieza like methods to switch off the boob tube? There’s this thing called a remote y’see….
Tae: Did you say Takanoiwa?
Shinpachi: No, that shuts down Yokozuna…
(TN- Takanoiwa is a Mongolian sumo wrestler, apparently.)

012
Shinpachi: It’s true he made up….a lot of it, yeah…
But cut Hasegawa-san a break…he did play a role in this too.
Tae: Everyone worked hard to protect Edo, and I’m not willing to overlook that.
Shinpachi: We didn’t fight for the glory, but I feel like Hasegawa-san needed this.
After all, it’s quite the story –an unemployed man saved the country….maybe he might even be able to get his wife back.
Tae: It’s been two years since then and everyone’s started walking new paths….I do want to be supportive…
But I just can’t in his case.
Shinpachi: He’s had it a lot harder than a lot of us…maybe just try to give him your best?
Tae: No, it has nothing to do with that. It’s just whenever I see his face I want to hit it repeatedly.
Shinpachi: …And what happened to wanting to support everyone?!
Tae: Okay, let me glam it up a little –Old men that don’t act their age annoy the hell out of me –they remind me of Ex*ile.
If anything I prefer High and Low.
Shinpachi: There’s clearly more salt than glam there, sister…I can see the Rising sun from here!
(TN- Exile is a band, who of acted in a drama called High and Low as well as creating and producing it –Rising sun is one of their songs.)
Tae: Speaking of his wife, I get the idea he’s not thinking about her at all.
From what I’ve heard, he’s bouncing from bars night to night and scoring free drinks by pimping out his hero status.

013
Shinpachi: Sister, where did you hear that? I thought you had nothing to do with the afterhours industry anymore?
Tae: It wasn’t just heroes born in the last two years, where there is light there will undoubtedly be darkness.
(Sfx- Pan pan *clap clap*)
Shinpachi: WHEN DID YOU TAKE ZARBON AND DODORIA ON AS CABARET GIRLS, AND WHERE DID THEY COME FROM!?
Tae: Execute plan omega….swing down the mighty hammer upon our defiled hero.
Both: Hiiiiiih!
Shinpachi: Whatdyamean “hiiih”?! From what darkness was this cabaret club born from?!
Was Frieza-sama born in these last two years as well?
(TN- Dodoria and Zarbon are two minor villains from…you guessed it, DBZ.)
Kondo: My, my…
Seems even now the Emperess of Kabuki-chou is as mighty as ever.
Shinpachi: Kondo-san…
Kondo: My bad –didn’t mean to keep you waiting. The grub is up.

014
Shinpachi: I’m sorry we’re always making you do stuff like this…
Kondo-san.
Kondo: It’s all good.
I mean, despite things I’m gonna be a house hubby soon.
And…
I’m gonna have to make sure Otae-san gets the nutrients she needs in her food.
I know you’re fretting over everyone and their new paths now –and that’s fine.
But you should really consider your own new path.
Tae: I…I get it, okay?
Shinpachi: A stay-at-home husband, huh…
While I was floored by the news of Hasegawa-san, I who would have thought you’d…
Kondo: Yup…
(Paper- Notice of Resignation.)
Kondo: It was by no means an easy decision to make.
But when the war ended, it felt…right you know? I felt like my role in those affairs had also come to an end.
They overcame an actual war and even me.
There’s really nothing else I can teach them.

015
Kondo: Most importantly in leading the Shinsengumi and becoming a Dad…
You gotta be willing to risk your life for what’s important.
And it’s disrespectful to think you can do both.
I dedicated my life to the sword…
But now I’m going to dedicate myself to family.
Shinpachi: …..I get it.
Sorry.
I’m feeling kinda tired so you two can enjoy dinner together.
Kondo: Shinpachi-kun.
Shinpachi: I’m supporting everyone –Hasegawa-san, and you too Kondo-san with everything I’ve got.
So you two…er, everyone are all incredible heroes to me.
{Everyone’s started walking down new paths…}
{Everyone’s started to move forward…}

016
{Yet I’m the only one who’s…}
Otose: Time is quite terrifying isn’t it?
To think the two of them would jump the shark and tie the knot…
Though us old farts haven’t even picked up a single wrinkle in the last two years.
I guess one experiences time much differently when they’re younger.
Catherine: What are you saying? Have you checked under your eyes? There sure are new wrinkles under there!!
(Sfx- Gyahahahahah)
Shinpachi: Um…Catherine-san, perchance were you run over by a time machine?
Catherine: Time doesn’t cause things like this.
The true cause is the final chapter, dammit.
All of these manga nowadays think they’re hot shit, and when they start running up on their conclusions, the “Final fantasy” phenomenon gets thick and heavy and characters start shacking up.
(TN- This is gonna be a running gag, but the kanji used for “Final fantasy” in this instance is like “Final arc mating season.)
Shinpachi: Catherine-san, I’m going to find that Time machine and finish what it started.
Otose: What’s that supposed to mean? Are you saying if I’m not careful I could end up with someone I’ve barely interacted with?
Catherine: Totally! I’m so scared I can’t even sleep!
Shinpachi: DOES SOMEONE HAVE A DELORIAN I CAN BORROW?!

017
Gengai: Shut the hell up you old goats! Screw having a Final Fantasy with you, I’ll just Dragon Quest on my own, dammit!
Shinpachi: SINCE WHEN DID DRAGON QUEST HAVE THAT KINDA MEANING?!
(TN- Kanji for Dragon Quest here is something like “dealing with one’s own dragon.”)
Catherine: Who the hell was talking to you old man?! Have you considered what you’re gonna do if your flag gets raised?!
Shinpachi: DID I DIE AND END UP IN HELL?!
Catherine: Hey, hey, calm down there, my dude.
Shinpachi: Please don’t converse in my direction, my flag is raised.
Catherine: Yuuup, and your sister was defiled in lots of colorful ways by that Gorilla, y’knowattImean?
Otose: Here I was thinking she had the cutest little crush on Gintoki though…
Shinpachi: Oh that’s just gross you fossil! Stop it!
Otose: Here I was thinking that final fantasy was inevitable….
But I guess it was the kinda Final fantasy scenario where while he was away she fell for the one who comforted her gently in his absence?
Catherine: I am surprised though, who woulda thought that particular final fantasy would have gone over so well.
Otose: Right? I suppose it is true, Women prefer a final fantasy where they are loved than one where they have to do the loving.
Shinpachi: In what way is that true? More like who even says that?! And for the love of God please stop talking! This has got to be the world’s most sickening girly conversation I’ve been subjected to!
Otose: If you ask me, this is the kind of Final fantasy I can live with –in fact it’s pretty good.
Catherine: Yeah I mean sure he’s a stalker but at least he’s a stalker she knew so it wasn’t a Final Fantasy asspull.
In fact, you could say the true Final fantasy was the mating season and interaction they had on the way, so it was a final fantasy that occurred long before the final chapter which makes me wonder if it was a final fantasy at all.
Shinpachi: NOW YOU’RE JUST USING THE PHRASE “FINAL FANTASY” TO MAKE IT SOMESORTA FAD AREN’T YOU?! BUT IN THE END IT’S JUST FILLING THE PAGE WITH NONSENSE.
(Sfx- Kyaah kyahh)
Shinpachi: Let that Final Fantasy be the final, final fantasy okay? Enough is enough!
Catherine: Now you’re doing it too, asshead!
Otose: Aren’t you ungrateful. We just thought you could use some cheering up since your Sister left you.
But fine, if you’re going to be that way hand over those wedding photos.
Catherine: We wanna see the male and female gorillas!!
(Handwritten- SHOW US, SHOW US!)

018
Shinpachi: Here.
Otose: Did….Otae get a little….bigger since the last time I saw her?
Shinpachi: That’s not Otae.
Otose: Ah, yup here she is.
Shinpachi: That’s a Gorilla.
Catherine: Then this is her?
Shinpachi: That too is a Gorilla.
And that is what was born between two gorillas.
It was a political union.
The man is a stay at home husband.
He resumed his stalking tendencies while training to be a stay at home husband and well, started making us food –on his own accord.
And to our surprise it was actually delicious.

019
Shinpachi: Sister gained some weight.
Still, I couldn’t do anything to stop him.
It’s a warrior’s…
Sense of compassion.
It has no bearing on whether there’s a flag waving or not.
In fact, sex, race, age, gender and whether one recalls or not has no bearing on anything.
In this manga…this is the true Final Fantasy.
So if I were you I’d be careful.
(Sfx- Garara *clatter*)
Girl: Ooh! I foooound you~!
Mama, is that man with the glasses…
My Papa?!
(Side text- Into Final Fantasy hell with you!!)
GINTAMA LESSON 670……………END.