Done Blurb translation help? [JP]

[Kaibutsu]

Hi, I'm a new translator and JLPT 5 certified. I'm not that experienced with translating so I'll be around in this forum often.

I just want to check if my translations for the following blurb is right, since I got a bit muddled up in a couple of the sentences. The last quotation seems a bit out of place to me, but I don't really know any other way to position it properly.

人並み外れた音感をもつ高校生つばめは、幼少期のトラウマが原因で、大好きだった歌うことを恐れるようになってしまった。ところが、ある夜に出会った作曲家をめざすDJユマにその才能を見ぬかれ「オレの歌を歌え」と求められる。DJユマは映像作家をめざす親友の栞と、音楽ユニットを組んでいた。「この人の音楽はどうしてか、わたしを心地よくさせる」――ユマと栞、ふたりの美少年がつばめにくれたのは、再び歌う勇気だった。

High schooler Tsubame possesses an extraordinary sense of pitch caused by an early childhood trauma. Though she once loved to sing, she became fearful to do it anymore. However, on one evening, she came across DJ Yuma who aims to be a composer, and upon sensing her hidden talent, he demands that she sings his somg. Along with DJ Yuma and his best friend, Shiori, who aims to be a filmmaker, they formed a band together. "This person's music makes me comfortable somehow." Both bishounen Yuma and Shiori slowly gave Tsubame the courage to sing again.

Thank you (:

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EDIT: New blurb I need help with. Thank you to whoever helps!

私、園川つばさ。15[_]!
高校入学直後、駅で貧血になってた私を助けてくれた先輩に恋をしました︎
運命の出会いだと思い、毎日通っていたら「重い」のー言でフラれちゃった（涙）。
男子バスケ部マネージャーをしている幼なじみの友梨ちゃん慰めてもらっている時、友梨ちゃんが手にケガをしていることが判明！マネージャーの仕事を手伝うことになって。。。？！

My translation: I'm Sonokawa Tsubasa - 15 years old.
Right after starting high school, I fell in love with a senpai who saved me when I was anemic at the train station. <3 I thought it was a destined encounter, but after running into him every day I was rejected with one word: "annoying." (Cries) While being comforted by my childhood friend, Yuri-chan, who's the manager of the boys basketball team, I found out that Yuri-chan had injured her hand! So now I'm helping with her job as the club manager…!?

Spoiler

(Btw, I'm so sorry my translations suck. I'm really new at translating and not very good at translating slang.)

 

[Ju-da-su]

Re: Blurb translation check [JP]

...Firstly, I would rephrase the first sentence to "Tsubame, a high schooler who possess an extraordinary sense of pitch, had become fearful of singing, something since once loved to do, due to her childhood trauma." or something along that line. A thing is, the way you phrases it makes it sound as though her childhood trauma causes her to have extraordinary sense of pitch, when the actual sentence is implying that it causes her to become fearful of singing even though she once loves to sing.

Secondly, are you sure Tsubame is already part of their band? Because how you phrase it makes it sound like she already joined them. The sentence "DJユマは映像作家をめざす親友の栞と、音楽ユニットを組んでいた。" only says that DJ Yuma formed a music band with his best friend, Shiori though. Personally don't think Tsubame is already part of them, just from that sentence.

As for the last quotation...well, I think you already get it kinda right though, just sounds weird. Personally, I would translate that sentence as "'For some reason, (his/her) song makes me feels at ease' -- Yuma and Shiori, the two bishounens, gave Tsubame the courage to sing again". Dunno if it sounds any better though, since I'm not all that good at wording either. Maybe just wait for someone else who may be able to suggest something better? Sorry for not being of that much help. -_-"

 

[mikkih]

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