Done Help with a few sentences

[phmoura]

Just a little help with a few sentences.

Someone translated a chapter of Kunisaki Izumo no Jijou from chinese to english. The translation is about 90% good, just a few sentences that i changed. But these 3 in particular didn't sound right. I'll put the original text, then the translation from Chinese, and then my own. Thanks for any help

テスト本番ではどうなるかな

From Chinese:THE REAL TRIAL LIES DURING THE PLAY

My:I wonder how the real test will go


勝手に商売すんな

From Chinese: WHY DID YOU GUYS START SELLING THINGS!

My: Don’t go opening a business on your own!


ちゃんと見てもらえてる。。。?

From Chinese: THE CUSTOMERS ARE STILL WATCHING SERIOUSLY

My: They're still watching...?

 

[Sohma Riku]

テスト本番ではどうなるかな

From Chinese:THE REAL TRIAL LIES DURING THE PLAY

My:I wonder how the real test will go

For this one I would say your translation is the better one.

勝手に商売すんな

From Chinese: WHY DID YOU GUYS START SELLING THINGS!

My: Don’t go opening a business on your own!

It depends a bit on the context probably which translation you use. But, (without context) it's something like: "Don't just go sell/trade things on your own!"

ちゃんと見てもらえてる。。。?

From Chinese: THE CUSTOMERS ARE STILL WATCHING SERIOUSLY

My: They're still watching...?

Can't say much about the Chinese one, because I don't have any context (so, don't know about the customer bit). However the "seriously" feels a bit out of place, plus it's no question... So, that would mean your own translation is the better one. Though, I would phrase it like a question. Something like: "Are they really still watching...?", "How can they still be watching...?" ... it depends a bit on the context (and personal preferences) what the exact translation should be.

 

[phmoura]

Can't believe i forgot the context. A rookie mistake. Sorry.

They're doing an apprenticeship test.

Here, two friends started own their own to create a little store in front of the line that formed up.
勝手に商売すんな

From Chinese: WHY DID YOU GUYS START SELLING THINGS!

My: Don’t go opening a business on your own!

Here, the apprentice didn't know how to dance, so he started to improvise a dance. And then he started to care more about the costumer than his own test.

ちゃんと見てもらえてる。。。?

From Chinese: THE CUSTOMERS ARE STILL WATCHING SERIOUSLY

My: They're still watching...?

 

[Sohma Riku]

Let's see...

勝手に商売すんな
I guess the context doesn't really change my opinion on this one. "Don’t go opening a business on your own!" sounds a bit unnatural though, maybe a bit too long, a bit too formal. It's not something you just shout at someone. Try to shorten it a bit and use simple words to keep the feeling to it.
Maybe something like: "You can't just open a shop here!"

ちゃんと見てもらえてる。。。?
Considering the context the "seriously" actually makes more sense. It should be read as "Are you kidding me?" He clearly surprised about the situation. So, based on the context I would go with something like "(Are you kidding me,) they are actually watching...?" to empathize he can't believe they are watching his made-up dance. "still" doesn't quite do that for me.

Hope it helps a bit. ^-^

 

[phmoura]

You're right, it does sound i bit weird. How about

"You can just open a shop here!"

and

"They're still watching me seriously...?"


I'll put the page here. It's the last balloon

Spoiler

 

[Sohma Riku]

Can't see the page...
Anyway,...

"You can just open a shop here!"
... I guess you mean "can't"... sounds perfectly fine to me.

"They're still watching me seriously...?"
If you write it like this, it sounds like they are watching him with a serious face... and I guess that's not supposed to be the case. I would either just go with: "They are still watching (me)...?" as you said in the first post. Or "They are actually watching me...?" Depends a bit on the nuance you want to create.

 

[phmoura]

Hahaha. That's right, i meant "Can't" Rookie mistake.

Uploaded the page again. Can you see it now?

 

[Aarowaim]

I think "You can't just open shop here!" is the most concise you'll get while still retaining the correct meaning.

As for the ちゃんと見てもらえてる。。。?,
I would sway to "Are they seriously still watching me...?".

Sometimes, moving an adverb can resolve ambiguity. By placing an adverb before the verb, you emphasize that the adverb is more important in the sentence; it's like the difference between a 'book that is (that happens to be) red', and a 'red book'. The adjective in front differentiates 'the book' from 'books that are not red'. Moving back to the case at hand, it is the same difference as "John has thoroughly read the newspaper" vs. "John has read the newspaper thoroughly". By placing the adverb at the end, it is just extra information. I don't exactly know what it is, but an adverb before the verb is a lot more powerful than the verb it modifies.

I'm no linguist, but I am fluent enough in English to know how different sentences 'sound'; how natural they are, and how ambiguous.

Spoiler

EDIT:
perhaps this is because the sentence is parsed as classes; in 'the red book', the book fits into a circle defining all things red. In 'the book that is red', red is placed in a list of the book's properties. I guess our brains process language by zooming in; the first word gives a set of ideas, and the next one removes possibilities.

EDIT2: now that the pic is up, I'll help you a bit more:

(師匠の舞台みたいに、うまくできないけど、)ちゃんと見てもらえてる…？
Like in a (professional) theatre, though I can't do as skillfully, they're actually interested/watching/paying attention...?
"I can't perform like they do in the theatres, but (for some reason) they're actually paying attention...?"

ちゃんと means 'closely', e.g, ちゃんと読む = 'read closely/with intense scrutiny'. In context, she is amazed that they could be admiring her skill; she is not a master.

Feel free to clean up my translation, as it's by no means perfect, but hopefully you get the idea.