I have a storyline!!

[Sick MangaReader]

Hi guys, I joined this site because:
1) I read Manga alot it makes me sick as my Username suggests
2) I know that here I can get help for anything relating to Manga as the site's name suggest

Well intro is over on with the subject of this thread
I'm writing a story which I decided to make from it a manga but honestly my drawing ability is as follows:
6/10 in drawing characters
5/10 in drawing sceneries
4/10 in drawing animals
(But Imagination is 10/10 )
So as u can see I can't make a manga with these bad drawing ability and this is the reason why I wrote this thread for, so if anyone is a good drawer or knows someone who can draw good and have free time plz help me make this story a manga

Here is some info about the story:
Title: Kingdoms of Illusionists (Ōkoku no kijutsu-shi)
Summary:It is set in the 15th century, In an Island that was divided into two Kingdoms Finoponia and Sofipola (and an independent town called Uinglow), these two kingdoms are consantly at war, the army of Finoponia uses 'Pure Illusion' in fighting on the other hand the army of Sofipola uses 'Impure Illusion', a person can cast an illusion using his eyes (but no hand seals like Naruto). The story protagonist Cello is the prince of Finoponia who is always causing trouble and making his father angry, but one day his father decided to send him and his best friend Unibald to Atlas Camp at the kingdom's border and that is when he starts a journey to adulthood and mastering Pure Illusion which would eventually change the whole land

Characters Info:
Prince Cello: The main protagonist and the current heir of Finoponia he is a 16 years old he has a gold and black stripped hair that reach till shoulder and blue eyes

King Steader: King of Finoponia and father of Cello he is 48 years old he has a black and blue striped hair and blue eyes he have a black moustache and a pointed goatee

Prince Reylod: Older brother of Cello and the previous Heir of Finoponia he disappeared in Mysterious reasons when Cello was 11 years old if he is alife he would be 21 years old he had black hair that reach to his shoulder and two strands that covered a bit of his face he had blue eyes

Unibald: Cello's best friend he knew Cello for 8 years he is a bit perverted and knows how to speak properly with girls he is also 16 years old and have black bushy hair and brown eyes

Dorrar: Unibald's Father, he is King steader advisor he is 44 years old he have a black bushy hair and brown eyes but he had a moustache unlike his son

Flamingo: Cello’s first love, she is a housemaid that works for a rich Merchant she is 16 years old she have a blond hair tied in two ponytails and green eyes

General Marpod: He is one of the high ranked general in Finoponia, currently he was ordered by Steader to take control of Atlas camp to look after Cello while he trains there he is 52 years olds he have a black hair tainted with white aged hair at edges he has a black moustache and brown eyes he have a scar on his cheek

Lieutenant Tikky: He is Marpod's right hand he is very kind hearted and lenient unlike Marpod he is 24 years old he has bright orange hair and hazel eyes

So I wish you liked the concept of my story it would be awesome if it turned to manga or even a web comic

plz call me by my pen and nickname since my Username is too long
-MAJIDO

 

[Theorangefox]

I'm thinking you might run into a few clichés here. There's always been the story of the rebellion prince who doesn't listen to his father and so on. Also there's way too much information here instead of a simple summary and you seem to be describing every character that appears in the story. Try to keep the character list down to the first few characters that appear in the story and give the reader a brief taste of the story. And if you have started on it or if this is just a concept, people like it when they can read a teaser chapter script of somebody's work.

The last thing is how they fight with illusions, is that going to be the only ability in the story because if so these fights will just drag on when nothing is actually happening in the first place, if it is just illusions i dont think you'll be able to get into depth with all this.

All in all it's not bad, i can tell it's probably your first idea you've thought of, correct me if i'm wrong though. My first idea didn't go all that well and i needed more inspiration for my second one, not saying that yours is terrible though i'm just one person. Others might like this so stick to this idea and hear what they have to say!

 

[aldrichcrescent]

Need a character template designer? Contact me. Iv'e improved a lot on the past 7 days.

Click HERE to know.

 

[Sick MangaReader]

I'm thinking you might run into a few clichés here. There's always been the story of the rebellion prince who doesn't listen to his father and so on. Also there's way too much information here instead of a simple summary and you seem to be describing every character that appears in the story. Try to keep the character list down to the first few characters that appear in the story and give the reader a brief taste of the story. And if you have started on it or if this is just a concept, people like it when they can read a teaser chapter script of somebody's work.

The last thing is how they fight with illusions, is that going to be the only ability in the story because if so these fights will just drag on when nothing is actually happening in the first place, if it is just illusions i dont think you'll be able to get into depth with all this.

All in all it's not bad, i can tell it's probably your first idea you've thought of, correct me if i'm wrong though. My first idea didn't go all that well and i needed more inspiration for my second one, not saying that yours is terrible though i'm just one person. Others might like this so stick to this idea and hear what they have to say!

Yes i'm already in the 11th chapter, and no they dont fight with illusion only they fight using Sword, Arrows, Draggers and even huge rock capults, and yes it is my first idea, thanks for the reply

---

Need a character template designer? Contact me. Iv'e improved a lot on the past 7 days.

Click HERE to know.

Yes i saw your characters wow you draw better than me, now should i send you all the characters info?

 

[Theorangefox]

Oh okay that cleared it up for me, thanks!

Why not check out my manga idea if you have free time? my link is in my signature!

 

[NoFreakingWay]

I dunno if I read right, but what's the actual difference between Pure and Impure Illusion?

And I dunno man, kinda sounds like... Naruto meets Suikoden 2. Have you played that game? Lol you might not have, sorry. I'm too influenced by games.

Post more of the story please. Like why the two kingdoms are constantly at war.

You mentioned 15th century, but how does 15th century Finoponia and Sofipola look like? Like 15th century Europe? Japan? India?

 

[Sick MangaReader]

I dunno if I read right, but what's the actual difference between Pure and Impure Illusion?

And I dunno man, kinda sounds like... Naruto meets Suikoden 2. Have you played that game? Lol you might not have, sorry. I'm too influenced by games.

Post more of the story please. Like why the two kingdoms are constantly at war.

You mentioned 15th century, but how does 15th century Finoponia and Sofipola look like? Like 15th century Europe? Japan? India?

I can’t say a lot since I don’t want to spoil the story
But the difference between pure and impure is that pure illusions disturb human senses which make an enemy easy to attack but impure illusions are more evil since they can affect the human senses to an extent of harming him mentally and even physically

The reason they are fighting is well because a long time ago Finoponia and Sofipola were one kingdom called Finosofipolinia which had two leaders The Angel of Pure Illusions and The Angel (now Devil) of Impure Illusions these two were ordered by God to teach people about illusions to protect them from harm they appeared to people as Sages hiding their identity. One day the Angel of Impure Illusions became jealous since more people was learning The Pure Angel's Illusions, so he broke God's Taboo becoming a Devil and casted a very powerful illusion that made him control his followers minds and make them see the followers of the Pure Angel as their enemies, so The First Illusionists War broke out, after this war got over many people have died on both side and the two Sages (The Angel and The Devil) disappeared but unfortunately the Illusion of the Devil didn’t broke, so the follower of the Pure angel made their own kingdom and named it Finoponia, while the followers of the Impure Devil did the same thing and named their kingdom Sofipola, some minorities that didn’t wanted to learn any illusion from first made their own independent town called Uinglow, while the rest of the land of the previous one kingdom became a wasteland, after this point a lot of wars took place between the two kingdoms till now.

So now everybody knows the history of the story and its Europe 15th century because they use strange English words (but there will be some exception since I added explosive arrows and some stuff)

 

[NoFreakingWay]

Now everything seems to be extremely influenced by Naruto. I should have known your avatar had something to do with it. I don't know if you're striving to be original in the first place, but you should really have something to differentiate your story from the manga which seemingly influences yours the most. I think the setting isn't enough to do that differentiation though.

Maybe the story just needs some updates. I'm gonna give this a charity bump.

 

[Sick MangaReader]

Now everything seems to be extremely influenced by Naruto. I should have known your avatar had something to do with it. I don't know if you're striving to be original in the first place, but you should really have something to differentiate your story from the manga which seemingly influences yours the most. I think the setting isn't enough to do that differentiation though.

Maybe the story just needs some updates. I'm gonna give this a charity bump.

20% of the story is influenced by Naruto, their is no chakra in my story to begin with, any illusionist that have good skills can make about 20 illusion a day and just because i mentioned sages that doesn't mean i'm copying Naruto

 

[NoFreakingWay]

20% of the story is influenced by Naruto, their is no chakra in my story to begin with, any illusionist that have good skills can make about 20 illusion a day and just because i mentioned sages that doesn't mean i'm copying Naruto

Obviously there is no mention of chakra in your story so far. There isn't any mention of any power system like chakra or nen or whatever in your story as well.

But what I'm looking at here is the story itself and not an element of the story like the power system (chakra).

I'm gonna enumerate why I see this story is very reminiscent to Naruto.

1. One main entity teaching/bestowing some form of magick upon people. Does it remind you of Naruto's Sage and the reason how the people in the main setting of Naruto learned ninja techniques?

2. Followers/subordinates of the main entity clash with each other resulting in a war that splits a big unit (political and/or social unit) into two. Does it remind you of the war between the First Hokage and Madara, and the ensuing breaking down of relations between the Uchiha clan and Konoha?

3. The supposed antagonist having to resort to an illusion to gain followers. Does it somewhat remind you of Madara's plan to cast an extremely wide illusion to control people?

4. The focus of the story on one great war that resulted in the further raising of borders and more wars. Does it remind you of the rise and growth of Ninja states in Naruto and their incessant wars for whatever reasons these political units have?

Nevermind the terms you used, like "Impure", "illusion", "First [insert noun here] War"; nevermind that one of the main power systems in your manga (illusions) echoes one of the three sub-techniques used in Naruto (Genjutsu); let's just concentrate on those four items.

Now tell me if all of those will only remind one of Naruto 20% of the time.

 

[Sick MangaReader]

Firstly, there are 2 eternities not 1 (and in my story people are Christians not Buddhist like Naruto)
Secondly, Uchiha did not leave konoha and made their own country but they stayed their and planed for a coup
Thirdly, yes it looks like Madara's "moon eye" plan but this one has already happened but Madara's plan didn't happen till now and the impure Illusionist didn't use any great monster like Juubi (Ten tails) to cast his Illusion
Your fourth point is correct the concept of the first war that resulted in many other wars after it
Finally, Illusion is the main magic you wont find in my story any Ninjutsu or Taijutsu and as I said Genjutsu needs chakra to be done but Illusions does not need Chakra to be casted, to cast and illusion in my story you need to remember this Acronym IIIFS which stands for "Imagination is more Important to cast an Illusion than Focus and Skill" which means that you need 50% of Imagination, 25% of Focus and 25% of Skill to cast an illusion
Finally, yes I’m sorry I said 20%, I would make it 40%

 

[NoFreakingWay]

Firstly, there are 2 eternities not 1 (and in my story people are Christians not Buddhist like Naruto)
Secondly, Uchiha did not leave konoha and made their own country but they stayed their and planed for a coup
Thirdly, yes it looks like Madara's "moon eye" plan but this one has already happened but Madara's plan didn't happen till now and the impure Illusionist didn't use any great monster like Juubi (Ten tails) to cast his Illusion
Your fourth point is correct the concept of the first war that resulted in many other wars after it
Finally, Illusion is the main magic you wont find in my story any Ninjutsu or Taijutsu and as I said Genjutsu needs chakra to be done but Illusions does not need Chakra to be casted, to cast and illusion in my story you need to remember this Acronym IIIFS which stands for "Imagination is more Important to cast an Illusion than Focus and Skill" which means that you need 50% of Imagination, 25% of Focus and 25% of Skill to cast an illusion
Finally, yes I’m sorry I said 20%, I would make it 40%

Yeah, I kinda failed to point out that God taught magick through to the people through those two Angels. But I thought that would be common sense to anyone who has read your post so far.

Obviously the Uchiha did not leave Konoha. I simply mentioned that there was an "ensuing breaking down of relations between the Uchiha clan and Konoha", which meant they had lesser trust for each other since then. That was obviously a failure on your part to understand what I posted.

Yeah obviously Madara's plan hasn't already happened but what's important is that his plan is already revealed in the manga. Besides Madara's plan and yours is basically the same banana, using a powerful illusion on other people to make them follow the caster, duh. It doesn't matter if you didn't use the same power source (A Juubi) for that to happen because we're talking about the plan and not the power source here, correct? You're making the same mistake you did in your previous posts which is to focus on story elements (Juubi vs. an Illusion) rather than the story itself (plan to use an illusion to control people).

Obviously I hadn't found any mention of Ninjutsu or Genjutsu in your manga but the point is that the main technique you used in your story is similar to Genjutsu. And here's the clincher: for Naruto's characters to use Genjutsu at all they had to have some form of energy which is chakra. You just used another terminology to power the Illusions up, which is Imagination, Focus and Skill. Once again, same banana. When I mean same banana picture this analogy: two bananas with a different color. Or even better: "Take one banana, take a picture of it, take this banana again, color it red, then take a picture of it." Same banana in a different color. That's what you did and that's the reason I view your story as mostly influenced by Naruto. Heck, you even bothered to mentioned religions early in your post: your story has characters in a Christian world; Naruto has characters in a Buddhist world. Different religions, but the idea is that the characters live in a world with a religion. therefore the "same banana" analogy. I hope I have drilled this concept enough for you to start realizing it.

So yeah, simply update the story and make it so that it would be lifted from the same banana effect. Maybe it will encourage artists to draw for you if you still haven't had any.