Done [JP] Translation help

[redlar]

I'm not sure if this should go here, but I need a little help with this translation.

汚染物質にやられた！？
Pollutant damage!?
La-　Layfon君待ちたまえ新しいシ肉を…
La- Layfon-kun, please wait while I make some more meat...

I haven't translated it as literally as I'd like, but I'm also not entirely sure I've translated it correctly either. Is this how you would translate these lines, any translator that sees this?

In case you're wondering, this is from the omake page of Chrome Shelled Regios: Missing Mail Vol. 3, a Monster Hunter Tri parody.



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Scratch that, it's from volume 4 and I just realized I wasted five hours on something I'm not supposed to be working on for a month. But it would be nice to finish the page.

 

[saladesu]

Re: Translation help

Yeah, it looks correct, more or less

To translate the first line more literally would make it sound quite odd in English, so I think the way you have done it is fine. An alternative might be "I [or whatever it is] got damaged by the pollutants!?" but that might be clumsier.

As for the second line, it would really depend on context. I guess you should know how the speaker is most likely going to complete the sentence, since you have background knowledge of the characters But to convey the hesitation (?) of the character, it might be good to cut off part of the sentence as well, much in the same way as the Japanese sentence is half-truncated

Also, I'm not so sure about this, but I've always considered the -tamae verb suffix to convey some degree of superiority, almost sounding like an order, and most often heard being used by military officers. So it might be good to convey that a bit in the way you translate it to English (the way you have done so conveys the meaning, but makes the character sound kinda subservient). BUT, you know the character better than I do, so this may be an entirely moot point if you were to consider the his/her character

Sorry for this long reply

 

[redlar]

Re: Translation help

Thanks for the help and the advice!