Sherlock Holmes reporting.
I asked a friend who knows nothing about fencing to play a tennis match against me today. This is how it went.
Friend:Good luck.
Me: En garde!
Friend: ....you really going through with this crap?
Me: Yes, I am.
Game count- 0 to 0
I was the first one to serve.
Me: TAKE THIS! MY SUPER SPECIAL FENCING SERVE!
Friend: What?(I assume he said that. I was screaming so I couldn't really hear him.)
My special serve consisted of throwing the ball in the air, and then thrusting it with the frame of my racket. Since I'm a fencer, my accuracy is rather good, and I managed to hit the ball like that. Imagine someone holding a racket like a sword, and hitting it. Not slashing it, thrusting it.
The ball somehow just barely managed to pass the net, and it barely bounced. My friend was very, very shocked.
Me:HA! That's my....Thrusting serve. You can't return it!
Friend:It's not like I couldn't...It's just that I really didn't think that crappy serve was going to go over the net!
Me: Tell me that AFTER YOU RETURN IT! *LargeHam*
15-0.
I use my super special thrusting serve again. It went to the wrong side. Fault. I hit it again. My friend tries to return it, but the ball barely bounced, and he ended up making the ball hit the net.
Me: HAHAHAHAH! IT'S.UN.RE.FUCKING.TURNABLE.
Friend:...shut up. It's just that I never played against such a stupid serve before, that's all.
30-0. My friend was now near the net to to make sure he would have time to return my thrusting serve. So I hit a regular serve instead.
He: CHEATER.
Me:Hey, not my fault if you were wide open.
He then went back to his regular receiving position. I hit the thrusting serve again. That totally caught him off guard, and he somehow managed to screw up returning that so bad he made the ball go backwards.
Game. 1-0.
Friend: ...That's the most ridiculous game I've ever lost.
Me: Behold my magnificence and freeze, scum!(LargeHam)
Friend: Oh shut up, will you?
My receiving game now. I tried to hit the ball back by thrusting it again. That made him knock my racket out of my hand. It hurt.
15-0.
I tried thrusting the ball again. Same result.
30-0.
I thought to myself "alright...Imagine the ball is a sword. He is clearly knocking your guard away, so instead of facing the opponent head on, what do you do? You hit it from the side!" So I had the brilliant idea of using the frame of the racket to hit the side of the ball. I managed to deflect the ball. And by that I mean I made the ball go to my left side instead of hitting me. But I didn't return it. Hell I didn't even stop it. I just changed the direction.
Friend:...D...Did you just try to freaking PARRY A TENNIS BALL?
Me:Oh you do know some stuff about fencing!
Friend:................I got NO COMMENT to you.
40-0. I tried parrying again, but nothing. 1-1.
I won my serving game again with my super special awesome thrusting serve, but he won his by not being a moron. He then somehow learned how to break my serve, and then I was screwed because he also won his service game.
2-4.
My service game again. This time I won, again by screwing with him with my thrusting serve. My hand was going numb by then. (Notes: Fencing style does to my hand what sanada's style does to his leg. Except I don't bleed. It just hurts.)
3-4. His service game. 5-3. My turn. 5-4.
Now it was his service game. It was time to use my last resort.
Me: You know how Sanada has FuuRinKaZan?
Him: Yeah so?
Me: I'm the same. I have my SabEpFo.
Him:...dude, giving your tennis shots names is really stupid.
Me: And I was just using Ep! NOW PREPARE TO SEE THE SAB!
Him:...Let's just get this over with and never, ever talk about this again okay?
He served. He thought he was going to get an ace, like always. But no. The ball bounced and I jumped at it. Yes, jumped at it. And hit it, of course. In a slashing motion. RETURN. MOTHERFUCKING. ACE. Seriously that was the first good shot I got in the game. In his service games he won all of them with 4 aces. In my service games I just screwed with him and he got to return them A LOT, and we went on A LOT of deuces. But FINALLY, finally, FINALLY I scored a point by basically jumping at the ball even though I didn't need to jump at it.
Him:What the fuck was that? *laughing like crazy*
Me: Flèche.
I should point this out, Fleche is a fencing technique not even allowed in Saber fencing. But I only remembered that after claiming that I had switched my fencing style, so...Who cares?
The rest of the game went well. With me occasionally shouting fencing terms for parrying high, low, and head attacks while hitting balls. It was fun, but I felt slightly retarded.
"Tierce!
Quarte!
Quinte!"
They were not even appropriate to the shots I returned, but screw that. They weren't even fencing techniques they were...Oh who cares, the point is, I was swinging my racket as I would swing a saber, and that surprisingly worked. Really.
It was not much of the swing as the fact that the timing completely messed up with him. First, I reached the ball with my racket MUCH earlier than a regular played. Second, right after I reached the ball, instead of hitting it I took a step back(reflex. I imagined I was parrying someone, and if their sword is going to the ground, you freaking take a step back to make sure it's not going to touch you and THEN you hit them.)
I freaking won that, and won my serving game not-with-my-thrusting serve. I used an underhanded serve using a saber fencing motion. It double faulted a little, but it was more reliable than my thrusting stupidity. Specially since my friend had gotten used to the timing of that thing. Then it was his service game, and I won. I think that's all, unless I forgot to tell you guys something about it.
Final score: 7-5. I won. Somehow. Not entirely sure.
Conclusion: Epee fencing: Uh...Well...Don't. It's stupid. Only use it to serve, and even then, use it only a few times since after your opponent gets used to the timing it's freaking useless. A good player can learn to return it after one shot. My friend is really really bad so it took him a while.
Foil fencing:...Didn't test it. I'M SEALING IT OFF. YEAH. LIKE RAI.
*didn't think of any Foil techniques to use in fencing* I'M.SEALING.IT.OFF.
Saber fencing: Surprisingly, it works well. I'm not the best saber fencer ever(I'm mainly an epee fencer) but I'm fairly good at it. And it actually works well in fencing. I mean, you look retarded while doing it, but it actually works. Not sure for how long though, and it made me get tired a lot. Probably because duels last way less than a tennis match, so the exaggerated swinging motions that shouldn't bother me much made me feel like I was dying. But still, it works. And that's a surprise.
Excuse me, now that I see that's possible, I'll go try to kill some dinosaurs.
