Done Poem and impression

[natural-log]

Can I request a translation check please?

The first one is a poem (part of the poem?) by Yagi Juukichi.
Having no poetic sense, I just translated as it is.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
この明るさのなかへ
ひとつの素朴な琴をおけば
秋の美しさに耐えかね
琴は静かに鳴りいだすだろう

In this brightness,
if one places a single simple koto,
the koto, unable to endure the beauty of autumn,
will begin to sing silently.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The second one is, I believe, the character's thought/impression after listening to "The Melody Sung by the Sun" / "The God's Concert", the supposedly beautiful and divine song.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
前略

純粋に心に響くもの…物事の神髄…「真実」…
それは”太陽の音”のように…
でも…私達の、ちっぽけで傲慢で考え方や見方では
決して気づくことはなくて…

”太陽の奏でる旋律”に耳を傾ける時…
私は…私の心が作り上げた私という概念に「支配」され、
好み、嫌い、憎み、比較し、悲しみ、哀れみ…
「私だったら」という存在の上で考え、立ち振る舞っていることにきづくんだ…

「私だったら」とか「これは私のだ」とか「私はこうである」とか…
「人間なんてそんなもの」、「これが常識だ」…
そうアナタに言い聞かせている心のアナタが、
アナタという存在のでしょうか…

「真実の自分」…それは、
私達のちっぽけな思考が想像し定義づけられるほど、
そんあ…安いものではない…

”太陽の奏でる旋律”に耳を傾ける時…
アナタが「真実の自分」に少しでも解れることができたなら…
そう私は願い、謳う、歌いたい…


Dear Penpal,

Things that genuinely resound in one's heart... the true essence of everything... the [truth]...
Just like "the sound of the Sun"...
It is... right here... and there... always.
However... with our tiny, arrogant mind, and viewpoint,
we could never notice them...

When I lent my ears to "the melody sung by the Sun"...
I... was controlled by the concept of my self that was made by my mind,
likes, dislikes, hatred, comparison, sorrow, compassion...
We have to become aware of it by thinking beyond the existence called [if it was me], and taking actions.

[If it was me], [this is me], [I am like this]...
[Humans are like that], [this is common sense]....
These are what your heart is telling you.
Are you one who is following your heart like that...?

[One's real self]... That is...
not something so cheap that
our tiny mind can imagine and define.

When I lent my ears to "the melody sung by the Sun"...
If you could, even if it is just for a bit, perceive your [real self]...
then I wish to pray, give praise, and sing for it...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The original, in case I transcribed them wrongly.
http://paricross.sakura.ne.jp/aria3/01/a-001.html
http://paricross.sakura.ne.jp/aria3/04/a-037.html

Are my attempts acceptable? Thank you in advance.

 

[serizawa]

Your attempts are quite good Just some comments:

この明るさのなかへ
ひとつの素朴な琴をおけば

In this brightness,
if one places a single simple koto,

I guess this is a bit too literal and doesn't flow very well. Perhaps something like

Place a simple koto
Amidst this brightness (light)

The second poem is tougher to understand and translate. Instead of pinpointing sentences and/or words, I edited your translation, which goes below:

Dear Penpal,

Things that genuinely resound in one's heart... the true essence of everything... the [truth]...
Just like "the sound of the Sun"...
It is... right here... and there... always.
However... with our tiny, arrogant mind and viewpoint,
we could never notice them...

When I lend my ears to "the melody sung by the Sun"...
I... am [controlled] by this concept made up by my mind, this something I am led to regard as my self,
full of likes, dislikes, hatred, comparison, sorrow, compassion...
And I become aware that my thoughts and actions spring from the notion of [If it was me]

[If it was me], [this is me], [I am like this]...
[Humans are like that], [this is common sense]....
But are you really this "you" created by your mind
who never stop those endless whispers to you...?

[One's real self]... That is...
not something so cheap that
our tiny mind can imagine and define.

May you lend your ears to "the melody sung by the Sun"...
And by doing so, perceive your [real self], even if it is just for a bit...
This is my wish, this is my praise, this is my song...

Hope this helps...

 

[natural-log]

Looks like I missed quite a bit on the 2nd part....

For the poem, does it flow better if I tweak it a bit?
Like this?

Place a simple koto
Amidst this brightness
Unable to endure the beauty of autumn
The koto will begin to sing silently

or is the previous one(after the revision) better?

Place a simple koto
Amidst this brightness
The koto, unable to endure the beauty of autumn,
Will begin to sing silently

 

[serizawa]

I guess the first one (the tweaked version) seems better But translation-wise, both are correct, so feel free to pick up whichever you deem fit!