I gonna keep it tied to 3 points to have some coherence for both parts:
a) Title
b) Relationship
c) Motive
a) Title explains itself, besides the volume cover it is the first thing that new readers will read and which gives off a feel to the reader. Witch Guardian is self-explaining, either you got a Witch who is a Guardian or a Witch has a Guardian who protects her. If the Cover shows a girl and a guy then the reader knows where he is at.
b) Relationship is really important for the first chapter as this gives the general direction for a readers mind to think where the story will go. Like in WNL (as example because everyone talks about it) you got Yuiga as a teacher two two geniuses who become his students because they suck at what they want to excel. That alone tells the readers "ah, so we will get a bunch of lessons of Yuiga trying to help the cute/sexy girls on their weak subjects". Quick and easy.
Now in WG you actually got a lot more or less on the plate depending on how you look at it.
It starts with Managhfsnfhfh, MANASFA (god what a choice of name... never sure if I should pronounce it Ma-Na-Sfa or Man-as-fa(or af)) already starts with "I will never be happy". Well, not a relationship. We get to that later. Anyway first interaction between Fafner and Mana (I keep it that way from now on) starts with her eating and ordering him around and him being annoyed af. This came after she saved the whole city btw. She makes fun of him he gets angry at her, Later Fafner complains to other soldiers how awful his job is yadda yadda. Also we see that he looks down on everyone enjoying their lives because they simply trust the witch to protect them whenever necessary. Like his personal thought about her is "Stupid delicate hothouse flower.". And ofc telling the highest man in the city state that he tired of his job as bodyguard and wants out of it.
Long talk, short sense: Their relationship is shown as negative in many points, from both sides but mainly from Fafner. That's it, that's how it is shown half the first chapter long. And once he gets told what his real duty is, he actually is ready to perform his duty "with all responsibility and respect" because that is what the reader would also expect from him given his whole dream talk before, duty this duty that talk and being ready to move on from being a bodyguard and ofc having a chance to protect the civilians from a possible Witch running rogue. Then he listens to Mana and Maid talking about his true duty and the first meeting. "Yo, I hate witches". Great, another negative point added to the relationship. First meeting was a literal fuck you in the face. Mana is like yay, someone hates witches as much as I do. Greeeeeat, the one thing those two so far agree on in hating something. Adding negative and negative from two people together is still not positive though. And after two pages of Mana monologue which is basically "I actually get to be a normal girl because my guardian hates me" and "I could be happy because my Evil borrowed power was seen as special power by Fafner which totally trumps his lame swords with which he could never one-shot a bazillion Evils like I just did" so "I could convince myself that being murdered is okay if it protects people".
Those three points are the main gits of the monologue that chances Fafner mind/makes him hesitate to fulfill his duty. And all three are not really positive either. I mean it ends with being fine with being executed, hello? Anyway after adding Fafner's own thoughts that the two of them gonna have lots of arguments he jumps in and saves Mana's life, throwing away his life, officer position, career, dream and ambition over bord for.... arguments about who hates witches more?
Uff.
Needless to say I think after so many "minus" aspects to their relationship such a selfless act of him was pretty... hard to grasp. Like he did it on the spur of the moment, no plan, no idea what to do afterwards, etc.
And I mean COME ON! When he saves her he goes all "You are a selfish, gluttonous Tryant of a girl!" and "No easy duty to protect a scrawny, bossy shrimp.". Jesus, what are you? A bad tsundere from the 00s? That's not making me cheer for you two sticking together you know. And yeah "the whole "kill witches to stamp out the very idea of witches" is so "I just keep hitting till witches are not needed anymore" which just screams I totally thought it through. Same ofc with Mana going "hey, idiot, you need to kill me asap! If the Rector thinks my Evil is too progressed I might die and turn any moment into a monster" "Oh shut up, I am over that phase, also that won't happen today or any time soon because then the series would be over.". Ugh.
Then follows Mana's order to make her the last witch. Like what would Fafner have done if she had said "I want you to kill me right now."? Hm? Yeah, that's what I thought. Man, that would have been embarrassing. Still he goes all Shounen "gonna be greatest Pirate King/Knight/Wizard/Football player/er I mean Guardian in the world and I protect you because our mutual hate for witches is so important to me also I gonna undo Witches in a world that dependents on Witches to survive". And end.
Lets get to c finally...
c) Motives, I try to keep this shorter: Fafner's motive is that Guardians alone can protect the city-state aka destroy evils on their own. It bases on the loss of his family and the experience of nobody, but the witch which came too late to save his family, being able to deal with the Evil inside the City. Ofc he gets made fun of, but he is an earnest and hard-working kid so he stuffs the big mouths of the "losers" who are comfortable with the situation as now and don't want to change it or better said see no way how to live differently. Due his attitude and skill Fafner becomes a Captain of the Guardians at a so young age he cannot even drink with his fellow soldiers (which actually says alot about the quality of his senior comrades...), so he is on his path of making his dream come true, somehow at least. That is all good and dandy, it works just fine because we get several instances which undermine those motives and ambitions of his.
Now for his Motive to save Mana, it is a bit shorter, but lets get to his motives of killing Mana first shall we:
- Get any rank he desires in the Guardian Unit and he already was a Captain when he became Mana's personal Guardian
- Witness Mana's infected body, be told she is a danger, be reminded that a similar danger and failure of a WG caused his whole family to be slaughtered in front of his eyes
- explained that Witches are Evil infected Humans who can become Evils once the seed grows to strong like it did with Mana now
- be the one to kill her quick and painless since that is his duty as WG which compared to turn into an Evil who might still harbour her mind helplessly caught inside a ramage running monster body is quite nice or at least a bit better than that
- And ofc no danger to the City as a replacement Witch stands ready on the same day Mana dies
Given their World setting, as we can't really call it "building" yet as it is the first chapter", all points make good sense and appeal to Fafner's duty-honoring character side that even goes shopping an insane amount of food when he just complained long and wide that he is no Errand boy. And that was to a trannical gluttonous witch not the high lord rector, head of the city-state and political as well as religious leader of all citizens. In other words he is the perfect candidate to kill her.
Now to his Motive to save Mana when the assassins came jumping at her:
- She hates Witches as much as I do
- I feel sorry for her to be a weapon and not a normal girl
- When she's dead I can no longer argue with her anymore
And that's it. And man, those three points totally trump the above mentioned, they make sense, it doesn't go against its character, it ah who am I kidding?
Compared to the "common sense" argument above this stuff doesn't make sense because Fafner is missing some crucial points to make sense for saving Mana:
- have a plan how to escape the city and dodge the whole world because the whole world aka what humanity covers will hunt them down (lol, so much to that with the latest chapter)
- Have at least an idea on how to undo a Witch not just say "hey if you can make a witch you can unmake one as well". Yes, you can. It's called Death and so far it seems to have done wonder to humanity's safety or don't you think your dead family would disagree with that?
Those two points are really important given Fafner's serious personality and grand dream because without those he is just a hothead who just abandoned everything, his whole life, for someone who could turn into an Evil anytime without him knowing when exactly expect that the Rector considered her too much of a risk to keep letting her live.
Okay, Mana's motives:
Hates her life, hates how she will never be happy, wants to be a normal girl, accepts her fate as Witch though and fulfills her duty. Heck, she even tells Fafner to kill her after he saved her, girl got more duty bones in her than him. Well, that's it, I guess. Expect ofc her reason that she hates witches so much she wants to be the last witch so she orders her Guardian to undo ALL WITCHES IN THE WORLD; consequences be damned. Where the heck is my accepted fate from before?
In any case compare that to WNL Yuiga, Rizu and Fumino:
Yuiga wants to be the best but gets beaten by Rizu and Fumino effortlessly. Still works hard to be seen as an amazing, stellar student because that is what he wants to be - get the special VIP recommendation to gain a full college scholarship. And his reason for that is his family and their financial situation, they are so dirtpoor they eat weeds! His dream is to make life for his family easier, thus he needs a good job thus he needs a good education thus he needs lots of money to get said education thus he needs, NEEDS, that VIP recommendation or else the dream is down under!
Yuiga gains an outside condition to fulfill for his dream: Help Rizu and Fumino get into their target colleges. Which ofc is hard to do because Rizu and Fumino, ding ding ding, want to go opposite which they are good at! Their reason? We do not know, we do not get told but we get told that their motivation is ready to go against the world for their goal to get to the colleges they want to get into, 7 failed teachers, ready to redo years, refusing to listen to "reason" aka follow your talent not your feelings. Yuiga connects with them via his father's memory of own struggles helping you to understand other people struggles and he is ready to support he two stupid geniuses even when they hadn't bothered to remember his name after a full week of studying and testing.
If you compare that to WG it is good because it only focus on one character and despite the negative starting aspect of the girls beating him so easily due the fact that the girls SUCK at their most beloved subjects they want to succeed at and are strong-willed enough to do their own way you don't mind it because Yuiga easily trumps Fumino in Math and Rizu in humanities. Add to that Yuiga's own experience of failure and trying to overcome it with the help and support of his father to the situation of the girls he is supposed to tutor and you get a positive connection because he remembers his father's advise warmly even if it is a tall Order given the girls "abilities" in math and literature. So it didn't do that much but what it did, it did well. And with hiding Rizu's and Fumino's reason for their goal you make the reader curious about what's next or why they are doing this.
Okay now, phew, finally to my own preference:
a) Title - I would have changed it from Witch Guardian to Witch Executioner. Fafner would wear a cool mask or hood or something that covers his face because of his job. As Cover I would have chosen Mana in front of Fafner, her back to him, eyes closed, her head slightly titled up because Fafner has his right-handed sword lifting her jaw carefully up while his left-handed dagger is parallel to her throat ready to cut. Yet Mana is smiling peacefully and you cannot see Fafner's expression for his face is hidden behind his mask. As for why I would change that title, more to that later in b and c.
b+c) Relationship/Motives - I would straight up cut the emo start pages and the entire rector kill order/world explaining/assassin order/battle stuff, saves more pages for Fafner and Mana. I'd start with the Evil attack and Mana burning them. Then instead of the whole food and talk meeting, we see Fafner with the food walking through the streets, sighing and sweatdropping what a ridiculous picture he gives off as Witch Executioner. Soldier meeting, Old Soldier shut them up and tells Faf his old man would be proud of him. Cue flashback of Faf remember his father who was also a Witch Executioner and his helpless death before the Evil suddenly appearing in town because the Witch abandoned her duty while his father died trying to fulfill his. Worse, his mother and little sister also fell victim. He holds tighter on the food and stops at a flower shop buying some white Lilies.
Enter Tower with only Lilies and the gifts like Teddybear and other girly articles like make-up, he wears his mask now. Mana greets him with a big smile and is super happy about his errand and even more happier that he brought her flowers on his own. She is jumping up and down for joy asking the reason for. Faf answers because this is the first time in a year she is allowed outside after the last incident. Flashback, a hurt Mana, looking at a bleeding Fafnir, dead assassins in the streets, his sword and dagger trip of warm blood of the slain. No explanation. Mana smells the flowers and sighs, it must be the happiest day of her life. When Fafnir says he can understand being happy to get outta this golden cage to which she looks away so he cannot see her blush because obviously she is more happier about the flowers and that Fafnir will spend the day with her outside than the outside itself. Maid enters with large breakfast, Mana rushes to her, showing the flowers and bragging how her beauty and maiden self can't help but made Faf fall for her to which he snorts "as if." Maid's eyes widen upon seeing the white Lilies, congratulates Mana and joins the banter about helpless in love Fafnir while taking the flowers to put them into a vase. Mana explains how she imagines to spend the day with full mouth stuffing food into her, crepes this, river boat there, flower beet that. Maid apologizes that something has come up with her shedule so she won't make today's outgoing but she knows she leaves her Mistress in capable hands. Mana is disappointed but accepts it, even thinks that this might not be so bad because now it feels more like a date with just the two of them.
Cue "date", we get explained from Fafnir's pov how important witches are, how people see witches and how witches are made and how everyone is aware of the fact that Mana is a human with an Evil seed inside her. There are those who revere her shown by an old lady asking for the witch's blessing and doing a holy symbol upon receiving it. There are those who hate her, shown by some drunk men looking angrily at her passing by to which Faf just lays his hand on his sword and they look quickly back into their beer. And ofc those who fear her for potentially going berserk or somehow spreading their infection despite that being silly myths, shown by a mother pulling away her child when Mana offers it her crepe after the kid lost its due colliding with the witch at the crepe stand. Faf sees her hurt expression and resolves the situation by giving the child his crepe and taking Mana's for his which Mana angrily protests and demands it back but gets a new crepe which ofc doesn't really lift her spirit up because she wanted to bite into the crepe Faf had already taken a bite of to show off how stupid it is to fear Mana and her Seed.
Like come on, 3k 12 year old girls after every couple years? No way the families and citizens would not ask themselves questions about why so many girls die or disappear or are in need of a guardian when everybody loves and worships them. In this setting everyone knows what's up, some believe the church of the witches being holy vessels binding the Evil seed to their will with God's help while others fear the possibility of her going rampage inside the city. For which the Witch Executioner exists - both to assure the citizens that the Witch is always watched and to remind anyone stupid enough to take "matters in their own hands" that only the WE is allowed to kill the Witch aka being her Guardian.
Anyway, river boat, more talks, cue to flashback of Fafnir watching Mana's weekly health check and the growth of her Mutations, besides an eye in the stomach she has also grown small tentacles at the back of her neck which she playfully uses to make a complex tentacle collar on her neck though Fafnir can see the fear and hopeless in her eyes and smile directed at him. He gives her his scarf he had on to hide the new mutation. She wears it right now on their date as well. Even now the slowest reader should get where this is going.
Cue flower beet watching. Mana talks about this and that and how Maid would love the sight of this while nervously watching his hand but not having the courage to grab it, instead she sits down to watch the butterflies. Faf looks at her back. He pulls out his sword, slowly, dun dun dun. He walks up to her, rises his sword, Mana notices his shadow and speaks up of the first time they meet, how hard she was trying to cope with the fact that she will die young, be closed away from the public for her own safety and having to share life with her fated Executioner who one day will kill her. Then he entered, mask on and all, but when she saw his kind eyes her heart suddenly skipped a beat and she was able to enjoy life more. Instead of suffering and doubting she could see the beauty of life, of what she preserved and protected and that all made her so happy, just due meeting him and him being in her life, taking care of her. She thanks him and asks if it is okay for a last request, Faf doesn't answer but also doesn't move. She takes that as yes, turns around slowly, looks him into the eyes and says "She's happy to die as a Witch because she meet him. She wishes that Faf will live a long and happy life." She closes her eyes.
Faf swings down his sword and stops at her neck. Confused Mana opens her eyes again, Faf turns around, throws a dagger, hitting an invisible target, a man who fells down, hurt and bloody. While Mana tries to make sense of it, Faf walks up, beats the guy down, grabs his Witch item, gets to Mana, pulls off his mask and while for the first time in her life she sees his full face (maybe it gets a cool scar or even an wound like by acid to show he carries physical reminder of his family death everyday with himself) he tells her that he resigns as Witch Executioner and from now on will give her the life she never had. While dazed Mana regains her sanity, calls him insane and begs him to kill her quickly before the city finds out what he did, all while faf ignores her, puts the invisible item on her, grabs her hand and starts pulling her away from the garden. When she won't shut up, he tells her to shut up, they need to move quickly before the higher-ups are notified of the Witch execution failure.
They arrive at an old, worn down house near the wall, Faf bash on the door 3 times, the Maid opens leaving the invisible Mana even more confused. He drags her into the house where jackets, backpacks and wandering shoes are waiting for them. While the Maid clothes the now visible Mana the two explain to the Witch that for a whole year they have planned this escape. They will use an old smuggling route Faf knows due his work in the City Guard to leave the city under the walls. For what reason ask Mana, crying because the two people she cared the most about are about to become world-wide known criminals for her. She was ready to die, she will die the tiny tentacles squirming and wiggling in rage and sadness outta her scarf to proof so. Maid tells her that she found a mentioned of a retired Witch, that is what the two base their full hopes on of keeping her alive. Mana stops crying upon hearing that, asking if this is true and if she really could undo being a Witch. They nod, Mana accepts the escape plan. Chapter ends with the 3 of them in their gear looking at the city walls from outside which is in full alarm bells mode.
Man, this got too long.
Tl; dr: Make it Love. Love trumps duty. Easy to get, easy to understand, easy to go with.
BuT we don't quite tell how Faf feels about Mana, we make it obvious for the reader about Mana's feeling, but Faf we find out later. The way this chapter was build, the 2nd chapter won't be needed because they are out already, Maid only got support role but at least with her and Faf being plan buddies she is far more active in wanting to save Mana than in the original. Next is the secret of why Executioner wear masks, it is a Witch item that powers them up, which is why Faf keeps his mask despite his resignation, and the Witch has no idea who her Executioner is. Why is that an important plot point? Because of how a Witch power is suppressed and controlled, not with her collar which she doesn't have in this version but due her food, to be specific with her Executioner's blood who gives his blood weekly due his own health checks at the same time as the Witch. The blood gets mixed into the food via magical ways to bind the Witch emotional to the Exectuioner so that she accepts her death with happiness to be killed by one she loved. Ofc this love also gives her a personal reason to protect the city. It is basically hardcore Stockholm Syndrome, drugged via blood magic. However neither the witches nor the Executioner know about this but this is really important for another plot point: The death of Faf's family.
They didn't died because the Witch his father was the Executioner of threw away her duty, they died because his father had an affair with the beautiful witch and shown her his face. Driven mad by love the Witch sneaked out of the tower to find her darling Executioner just to witness him happy and carefree with his family. Realizing that her love is hopeless, worse that she was used and will never have a place in his life as her death is already written into her soul, she goes mad and becomes an Evil, killing her love first and then trying to kill his family but fails with Faf. Faf will later remember a part of his past he had forgotten, when his Dad stopped in shock and fear and Faf asks whats up then turns around to see the Evil. But in truth his father had seen his witch standing there, crying rivers of tears while her body broke down into a monstrous sight. And he was without mask and weapon. Faf will realizes his father carries fault at the death of everyone he loved but due the reason that his father loved the witch so much he was ready to break the law for her. Which Faf did as well. Because he also loves Mana. But whereas he loves Mana for real, Mana's love is artificial and during the travel the longer she is without his blood, the more and more she will fall out of love with him. Leaving Faf with the realization that he threw away his life and duty for a woman who he thought loved him as much as he did, but in truth never loved him but was bound to him with blood magic which day by day, week by week, loses its power. He can try to make her fall in love with him for real while trying to undo her Witch curse or he can try to continue to give her his blood, to keep her bound to himself.
Also the reason for this blood magic is not only for the witch to accept her death peacefully, making it much easier for the WE to kill her when the time is come, but to harvest the seed in the Witch body and put it into a new girl thus the seed grows in power over the years, the more witches it passes through. This means that the state law is very much needed because any Witch that fell to her seed and became an Evil basically devoured the seed itself, thus losing an important piece of protection and witch magic for humanity's defense. Only a witch that dies as human gives her culminated seed into the next generation of witches. That would solve the current problem of others not being allowed to kill the witch expect the guardian. Here other executioners know as long as they manage to kill Mana before she becomes an Evil they can still save the powerful fire seed but for that they cannot kill Faf as his death might trigger her into devouring the seed and becoming a great Evil.
Well, this got longer than it should be. Waaaaaaaay longer.... I am so sorry...
Basically, make their relationship more positive and also their motive (two birds with one stone), hide more stuff (like blood magic love, Faf's feelings, real reason behind death of his family through an Evil) for future plot twists, build a world that makes sense (Executioners being there both as the Witch Guardian and the public assurance that no Witch goes unwatched, expect the love-mad ones who escape out of the tower to find their darling Executioner~, whereas in this setting a Guardian makes no sense for a Witch who stays indoors nearly all the time anyway and which nobody in the city wants to harm, expect the Rector ofc) like witches wanting to perform their duty and die (thus the love magic) as well as give a reason why witches need to die in their human form (collect seeds that grow more and more powerful the more witches carried them), achieve that by mainly focusing on Faf and Mana TOGETHER throughout the first chapter and voila, I think that way it could be a bit better than what it is right now.
But that is only my personal preference, my whole ideas might seem stupid to some of you ofc.
You are free to rip holes into my version.
