Addy, Spirit Army, adventure manga!

rockleedrift

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Addy, an adventure manga.

Not sure whether this is the right place to post this, if any moderators know of a better place then feel free to move it. =)

Anyways, this a novel/manga i'm working on called (at least for now) "Addy". This is the name of the main character as well. Addy is ten, but will be turning eleven soon, the age he gets his powers. We get to follow him on his long and hard journey full of friends and foes, laughs and tears, on his way to greatness!

This is all I've written so far (please comment, even if you don't read everything, so boring to post something and nobody says anything about it):

No one was sure exactly when or where the slaughter started or ended, but one thing was certain, very few survived. The survivors were people who lived underground or were living in remote places. A few adventurers or globetrotters far out at sea, oblivious to the dangers at home. They were stunned to see a homeland they did not recognize at all when they returned. In many cases they came home to nothing, sailing over the remnants of the place dearest to their hearts. To this day it is uncertain how many survived though some claim it to be 10 000. What is certain though, is that many would not have lived, had it not been for the two Saviours; Anwen and Gabriel.

Young Addy sat impatiently waiting for Uncle. Uncle always had a good story to tell, but in addition he was always late. It was a long way to travel from one of the two largest islands to the other, so Addy was never grumpy when Uncle came by. He told stories of how it all started, he was after all the oldest man on the twin islands, and knew facts others could only speculate on. His favourite story was about when he met one of the saviours, and the first leader of Fared Seraphina, Anwen Sappho Amon. “She was the most beautiful woman on the planet” he said in his rusty voice, Addy admiring his British accent. “Also the most caring individual I have ever met. She was of mixed blood, like you of course. Most people are these days anyways” he whispered. “From Africa and Asia she was” he carried on, not noticing the bewildered expression on Addys face upon hearing about these two extinct continents. “I remember how every now and then she would bring a new lot of people into the shelter, all from different sides of the globe, that is why everybody on the islands are different colours and races, we were brought together by the tragedy that slaughtered most of the human rase”, he paused showing no signs of feeling, just staring into thin air. Jack was a peculiar person, though the oldest on the islands, Addy never saw Jack as an old man. His hair was not grey, but very pale blonde, appearing to be silver when the light from the sun touched it. His face was the most fascinating subject for Addy, who thought that staring into Jacks face was like his young and old face at the same time. His wrinkles barely visible, almost transparent, his grey eyes sharp as ever. You could see he had charming looks a good while back, but gravity had made his skin sag, making him always look somewhat sad.

"So, Addy!" Jack whispered, "are you excited for next week?". "Next week?" Addy replied bewildered. "It's your birthday Addy! You must be looking forward to that! Eleven years old, you're a big boy now! There's also something else happening next week, you remember that don't you?" he asked anxiously. "Yes, I do... It's the trials..." Addy replied sadly. For the last ten years, every year the state held trials for boys and girls who had turned eleven. If they thought you had an ounce of spirit force in you, whether you liked it or not, you were to go to the trials and see if you were fit to work in the Spirit Army. Those tht were not seen heading towards the trialgrounds were dragged out of their houses, and forced to take the tests. "Why do they insist on people taking those tests? Why doesn't everybody just go there and take the test? If they don't want to join the Spirit Army, they can just do really bad on the tests can't they?" Addy asked. He thought it was wrong to force people to do something they did not want to do. "The tests don't work like that, Addy" he said. Jack put his long, slender but strong fingers in his jacket and pulled out a cigar. "My own invention," Jack said, pointing stupidly at the cigar, "only the smoker can smell the smoke he breathes out, and they come in different flavors. This one is my favorite, vanilla and chocolate flavored!". Before Addy could stop himself he bluttered out "Eyu... You're not normal. What has that got to do with the trials?". "Not normal? Of course not, I'm stark raving mad!" Jack said laughing "but yes, back to the story. To understand why the Spirit Army want as many people as possible to try out, and thus join the army, you need to know a bit of history and folklore from these islands". "Are you going to tell me another story?" Addy almost shouted out of excitment.

"Yes, it's about Anwen and Gabriel and might have something to do with you as well" Jack said cautiously. Addy's eyes widened. What on earth could he have to do with the Saviors? "Now, as you know, Anwen and Gabriel decided to take care of and help build one island each. The islands are shaped like butterfly wings, this is also why they are also called the "reflecting islands", each reflects the other. Anwen be came the leader of the right "wing", Fared Seraphina, and Gabriel became the leader of the left "wing", Tamaya Angra. Once a year people of both islands would gather together and party and have a big feast. 100 years ago exactly, Anwen and Gabriel held the greatest feast the world had ever seen. That night though, was the sadest night in the history of both islands. That night, Anwen and Gabriel died". A small gasp escaped Addy's lips. Uncle was a good storyteller. "We knew though, that they would pass away", Jack said. "How did you know that?" Addy asked. "They told us, just before the feast ended" Jack sighed. "They said they both had a dream the previous night in which they saw themselves die. They were poisoned, Addy, murdered, but they did not see the culprit in their dreams. He was never found. They did have another vision though. A prediction of sorts, and thus we get closer to the reason why the Spirit Army hire so many people. The Saviors said that they had a vision of a child, and 100 years after their death, that child would inherit both their spirits! The child would, when ready, rid the world of the force that tried to destroy earth the first time". "So the force is still here?" Addy asked worried. "Apparently, but have you spotted the reason why the S.A hires so many people? No? One reason is because we need to be ready to protect ourselves when the time comes, but real reason is they want to find the child, Addy!" he said, his grey eyes shining with excitement. "Ok... but what has that got to do with me?" Addy asked. "Can't you see? This year is the year the Saviors predicted they would be reborn, so to speak. Many people on both islands are betting its you, Addy! That you're the one who inherits the spirits!" Jack said enthusiasticly.

"What ever that force is, it is said that it would return and finish the job it started, and will not stop until every person on earth is eliminated" Jack whispered. Addy could not understand why anyone or thing would want to kill people. Yes, some of them were irritating, but that wasn't a good enough reason to kill somebody. "But... why me? Why do people think I will be the on to inherit Anwen and Gabriels spirit?". Addy asked. He wasn't sure how he felt about having such a close connection to the Saviors. On the one hand, alot of people would look up to him and being some kind of celebrity could be fun. On the other hand, people could be jealous, he had already been given nasty stares from children and grown-ups alike. "Why you? Because of the way you make people feel Addy!" Jack said. "Huh?" Addy replied. "Everybody has spirit-force, Addy. Some stronger than others. Thats why people are divided. Those that do not have much spirit-force can't do the same jobs as you can". "So called "normal" people, like we were before earth was almost destroyed, become farmers, bankers and have other jobs that do not require spirit-force. If they're lucky, they might have some weak powers" he said talking quickly, as if trying to get through alot of boring information. "I haven't met any grown-ups that haven't got any powers at all. They all seem to be able to use their spirit-force in one way or the other" Addy said. "Well, there aren't that many grown-ups that have absolutely no powers, but you see them here and there" Jack replied. "Those who do have strong spirit-force though, you can feel their aura if you get close to them. That is why people think you might inherit the spirits of Anwen and Gabriel. Everytime someone gets close to you, they feel the same way it felt to be near the Saviors". "How do they know how that felt? The only one on these islands to have met them, that is still living, is you" Addy said. "Well, yes... I'm the one who has told them that you feel like the Saviors, but don't be mad! You are not the only one that gives me that feeling!" Jack said hastidly, seeing Addys shocked face. "There is another boy that gives me a similar feeling, Amulus" Jack said. "I don't like him at all, he's a nasty selfcentred idiot, but fair enough" Addy said while crossing his arms, clearly irritated, "You still haven't answered why people don't just do really bad on these tests". "I have not seen the tests myself, so I do not know the details of how people are chosen to study which courses in the S.A (though I do know which careers paths the S.A have). One thing about the tests I do know for certain, is that those who take the test, but do not have enough spirit-force, die."

Addy could not believe what he had just heard. This couldn't be true, how could they just let people die like that? "But... I thought you said that if you had just an ounce of spirit-force in you, you have to try out for the S.A.? Why aren't they more selective? Taking in anybody with spirit-force is idiotic!" Addy shouted. "You misunderstand Addy... When I said "ounce", I didn't mean it as a figure of speech. "Ounce" is what spirit-force is measured in. One spirit ounce is the minimum requirement to take part in these tests. Do not think that one ounce is little! Those that have no usable spirit-force, or have weak power, aren't even measured. Those with moderate spirit-force, with moderate power, those that have regular jobs, but can use spirit-force to their advantage, like me, have "zero ounce" of spirit-force. Confusing, I know" Jack said seeing the weird expression on Addy's face. "How many ounces of spirit-force can one have then?" Addy asked. "No one knows for sure, but the Saviors, the first spirit-force users, were said to have four ounces of spirit-force each" Jack said. "Wow..." Addy whispered softly in admiration. "The maximum amount one thinks is possible though is five or six," Jack said "though no one has close to that nowadays. Matter of fact, I don't think anyone has had as much spirit-force as the Saviors, ever". "The real reason the S.A. exists is to save the planet from extinction, to save the planet from the force that once threatened us," Jack said, "its for the greater good of us all". It still doesn't justify setting peoples lives in danger..." Addy replied. "You have to understand Addy, people were torn when the islands were first inhabited. Most had no family or friends left. We do not know when this thing will strike, thats why we need to find the next Savior as soon as possible. Though am the only one living that can clearly recall how it was, many of the other elders, children of the first survivors, have heard more than enough stories to know what that time felt like. Nobody wants that to happen again. That is why parents allow their children to be taken away when they turn eleven, when their children get their powers. Even if the parents cry and plead to the S.A. not to take their children, they understand its necessary" Jack said.

Addy said nothing. He just stared at the floor, clearly disturbed by the fact that the parents allowed their children to try out for the Spirit Army. "Lets talk about something lighter, hm? What division would you like to be in when you enter the S.A.?" Jack said smiling kindly. "I don't care as long as its the same as Velouria". "Oh, your girlfriend huh?" Jack said smirking. "SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND, OK, OLD MAN!?" Addy shouted. Jack started laughing. "It's not funny! She's just a friend who is a girl, ok? A cute, smart, wonderful, mature, fun girl!" Addy said dreamingly. "Ehm... Maybe I should leave you alone with your wet dreams.." Jack whispered as he tip-toed towards the exit. "Stay where you are, old fart! I can't remember, what were the different divisions? What do you do in the different divisions?" Addy asked. "Well if I'm an "old fart" I'm not sure I am qualified to teach you anything!" Jack said. "Ok, ok, I'm sorry" Addy said. "Fine, lets begin then" Jack said smiling. Ten minutes away long dark hair fluttered and blue eyes became watery as Velouria sneezed. "I wonder who's talking about me?" she thought.


come on people... not even one comment?
 
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bakashijinsan

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Re: Addy, an adventure manga.

I'll be commenting on you work. I hope you don't get too offended.

No one was sure exactly when or where the slaughter started or ended, but one thing was certain, very few survived.
I believe you wanted to have a dramatic punch with the line ...ended, but one thing was certain, very few survived. If you want a dramatic pause for that part, don't use a comma. You should use a long dash (--).

The survivors were people who lived underground or were living in remote places. A few adventurers or globetrotters far out at sea, oblivious to the dangers at home.
The second sentence seemed to be out of place. It's actually a phrase if you read it, but reading on to the next sentence
They were stunned to see a homeland they did not recognize at all when they returned.
one can get the idea that you want to portray. However, maybe it's better if you combine them in one sentence. Say for example:
Code:
A few adventurers or globetrotters far out at sea, oblivious to the dangers at home were stunned to see a homeland they did not recognize at all when they returned.
Also, you may need to elaborate more on the fact that these adventurers are indeed from the place that they are coming home to. The hint that they came from that place came too late for the readers to realize that they were from the place you mentioned.

The contradiction of the fact that few survived and many would have died would confuse the readers. Did many die despite the fact that the saviours were there or were many saved due to the same fact?

He told stories of how it all started, he was after all the oldest man on the twin islands, and knew facts others could only speculate on.
For the clauses, or phrases that you like to insert though needless for that particular sentence, like the one in between the two commas, you can use the parentheses for that.

His favourite story was about when...
I believe you can remove the "about" here.

Most people are these days anyways
Place a pausing punctuation between are and these like a comma to get the effect that you wanted. Or better yet a period or a semicolon.
Code:
Most people are, these days anyways
Most people are. These days anyways
Most people are; these days anyways
But I would suggest you to add something here to make it feel like Uncle paused for a while before adding another fact that was nearly forgotten. the punctuations won't do much but they would help.

everybody on the islands are ofdifferent colours and races

His hair was not grey, but very pale blonde, appearing to be silver when the light from the sun touched it.
I like this one :amuse I can clearly imagine how his hair is like.

"So, Addy!" Jack whispered, "are you excited for next week?". "Next week?"
When starting a new dialogue for a character, always use another paragraph
Code:
"So, Addy!" Jack whispered, "are you excited for next week?". 
"Next week?"

The idea of the story is very good. You just need to polish some of your descriptions to give it more power to the imagining mind. Now, I haven't read the whole story (do forgive me) but office time constraints me.

These are about some of the things that I noticed. Unfortunately, I have to go back to work. If you're not frustrated with this or if you don't hate me with what I did, I'd be happy to comment some more. :amuse
 

rockleedrift

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Re: Addy, an adventure manga.

WOW! thank you alot for giving such good tips! =D finally someone answered! i am not offended at all, i can take alot more criticism! Have to say though, some (very few) of the things you said go against what we've learned at school (though i'm learning how to write novels in norwegian so the rules are probably a little different in english).

btw, just as a fun fact, the hair jack has is taken from a person i met last year =) no problem that you didn't read the whole thing.

Will be fixing the story after my maths exam, i think it would be better if i posted this stuff in chapters... can understand that people don't wanna read when they see how long the story is...

anyways, thanks! and i would appreciate it if you gave me more comments
 

rockleedrift

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Hi heres the first chapter to my adventure manga "Addy". Would be wonderful if people could give feed back. Even if its just a "would like to know what happens next".

"Who do you think will inherit them?"

"I think it will be Addy.."

"No chance, Amulus will inherit the souls, that boy is gifted" an old man in the stands said.
"Did you hear what he did last week?"

"No, but with all the rumors floating around I doubt its true..." the old mans even older friend replied.

"No, no! This one is true, I saw it with my own eyes!"

"Hahaha, you're half blind you fool, now I definitely won't believe it!"

"Laugh as much as you want, I saw him and his friends playing catch and when he was about to get caught, he jumped up and onto the roof of the noodle-store!"

"What's so special about that?"

"That store has to be about 4 or 5 meters high! No normal child can jump that high!"

"Hmm... I think... you've been smoking too much of Jacks whiskey tobacco..!"

"Well, we both know its not going to be Velouria... but I'm sure its going to be Amulus who inherits Anwen and Gabriels souls!"

"Fine, lets make a bet then! If Addy wins, you have to buy me dinner for a week and give me all your whiskey tobacco!"

"As long as you do the same for me if Amulus wins!"

"It's a deal then. I look forward to smoking all your tobacco after a free meal! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Oh, here they come... Look!"

The three children entered the gigantic arena. First Addy, then Amulus, and Velouria last. There was nothing on the grounds except for what looked like
three scarcrows, one for each child. It was one hundred years since the Saviors, Anwen and Gabriel had made their prediction, and been murdered shortly after.
This was the year one child would inherit their souls and during his or her lifetime vanguish the powers that started the great war that almost wiped out
the entire planet.

A microphone buzz was heard briefly before...

"Ladieees and gentlemen! Welcome to this years Spirit Army try-outs! As you are all aware of, this year, is the 100 year annversary! 100 years, since the Saviors left us..."
the commentator said sadly.

"But THIS year! They will return to us in the form of one of these children!"

A wave of whispers spread across the stands, it was almost time for the try-outs to begin.

"Since these try-outs might be... uhm... extraordinary, we have guards placed at all the exits, and in the grounds to secure your safety!
Will the contendants please step up to the dolls?" he asked.

Addy, Amulus and Valouria stepped up to their dolls and looked up to the commentator box for more instructions. Addy felt nervous, something wasn't right, and from what
Uncle Jack had told him if he wasn't strong enough he might not even make it past the tests.

"Thank you children. Now, what we want you to do is place your hand on your doll, and when we say so, pour as much of your spirit-force as possible into it! Make sure to
pour all of it in now! Remember, if you haven't got at least one ounce of spirit-force the doll might kill you! Though we're pretty sure you all have that much theres
always a possibility we've made a miscalculation!" the commentor said with glee. All the children were sweating now. Their lives were all about to change dramatically,
more than they could ever imagine.

It was Addy's twelfth birthday. It had been a good day, Uncle Jack had bought him a nice watch, he had eaten cake and layed in the sun all day. Now he had several thousand
eyes staring down on him.

"After your finished pouring out your spirit-force, please step back so the inspectors can see what affect it has had on the doll. Depending on what has happened to
the doll, you'll be devided into different sections of the Spirit Army. You can be a healer, a spy, foot-soldier, or a member fo the Death Squad."

At mention of the Death Squad the whispers loadened, created a buzz around the arena.

"Ok, you first Addy, show us something wonderful boy!"

Addy put his hand on the doll. It was cold, which was surprising considering it gave out a slight glow. Addy's heart started beating faster. What would it feel like to
empty yourself of spirit-force? Would he even survive this test?
 

beltranl

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I like the story. The spirit force does cut it close to bleach, but if you can

make the way they use it different, I think it could be something really

great. Maybe the detail like when your talking about the doll could be a

little better. Just doll makes you think of Barbie or something.
 

Syphilias

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I was thinking more like scarecrows.

OMG!


You are a very skilled writer! Aside from a few 1st draft mistakes(stuff I do a_LOT!!

I can't wait to see what happens next!(11th birthday, btw)

And if you have time, feel free to leave a comment or two on <Storm and Erios> or my very new fanfic in development, <Harry Potter and the Eternal Struggle?

Keep up the very good work. You have one more fan.
 
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