this sounds awesome can i join in too
Name: Laval Dalton
Alias, Nightmare (Because of he’s dark aura when he fights)
Age: 17
Gender: male
Height: 6.1
Weight: 155
Location of the Guild Crest: Left Arm
Number of years since joining the Wild Hunt:
Appearances slim build like Gray but keeps on his clothes, face and hair like this (
http://images.sodahead.com/polls/00...81_AnimeBoy51_5158_41122_answer_1_xlarge.jpeg) but when anger eyes gets black clothe style like this (
http://api.ning.com/files/2BsdX1QjE...3si9A77TM5bOHD2NyzvtPdAOyvCyIR/AnimeGuy18.jpg) and also in black clothe and have on pair of headphones around his neck all the time.
Personality: Easy lay back guy who love to listen to music like to test his abilities so he fights allot loves to hang with his friends, he is a true friend if he is there and a friend is in trouble he will help his friends without a next thought.
Background/History: He was the son of a very intelligent scientist who was also a wizard Henri Dalton also goes by the name (the hawk) because of his eyes and speed his magic is light magic he can condense it to make it into a beam and so on and move his body at light speed, One day while laval was finishing he’s light magic training on his 8 birthday something went wrong in the lab, his father took him to a room and said (laval keep this door lock I’ll be right back) but when the door was closed the lab exploded killing everyone in the lab 15 people wear killed in that explosion, laval was the only one to survive on that day and while he was crying and limping away he fell and that’s when the space dragon Zelfera appeared and took him in and started to teach him space magic when he was healed and while he was training with Zelfera another dragon came it was the a Star dragon that uses almost the same type of magic in about two minute the star dragon flue away that was on 6/7/777 then on the 7/7/777 Zelfera disappeared now because of losing his real father and now to lose another father like figure in his life he couldn’t take it and what on a rampage unleash a onslaught of space DS and light magic that caught the attention of a dark guild but before they could reach him another legal guild was first and took him in (but the dark guild won’t take this laying down) now Laval and his new guild treat him like family and he has lots of new friends but he screeches for zelfera constantly when he not on job but sometime he does anyway.
Weapons (None at the moment)
Significant Personal Belongings: A Necklace Containing a very unusual looking star given to him by his dragon Zelfera
Fighting Style: He likes to mix it up with close and long range attacks using only his DS magic he like to fight any type of opponent he hardly every uses his Light magic even tho he mastered so much more than his father could, the reasons is because it always reminds him of that fateful day years ago, also when low on magic he uses the very unusual looking star given to him by zelfera to replenish some of his DS magic.(can be used once a day)
Exceed Profile
1) The most immediate problem is one of grammar, namely that you don't have any. In one giant paragraph about his history there's only one full stop/period and it's right at the end. You'd have to raise the level of writing up until it's at least easily readable. I don't care when someone misspells something or uses a comma in the wrong place, but at least make some effort.
2) Apart from it being very difficult to read and understand, your character's history is mostly ok. Ignoring stuff about Magic (I'll get to that later), its not a suitable background for a Dragon Slayer. The canon has established that all DSes were raised by a dragon until 7/7/X977 etc. but their pasts before that are all a mystery. In other words, if you're charatcer is going to be a DS, you can't make any reference to his life before he met his dragon.
Alternatively, you could cut out the stuff about being DS and stay as the son of a scientist.
3) Magic:
Magic Name: Intergalactic Space Dragon Slayer magic + Light magic
Caster/Holder: Caster
a) Intergalactic Space Dragon Slayer Magic sounds a lot like Okami's Celestial Dragon Slayer Magic; what is the difference?
b) Yours seems more difficult to understand, though; what does your character eat to replenish their strength?
Spells;
1, Space Dragon meteor shower, hands become hard like a meteor and hot and punches at super fast speed.
2, Space Dragon Radiant beam, a beam of 6 different colors of space light that comes from the hand Which six colours? What is space light?
3, Space Dragon star rain, shot a star in the sky then it burst out and hundreds of stars fall down and explode on impact Too powerful; you can't create hundreds of explosions at once.
4, Space Dragon Dark Nexus ; A cluster of dark space energy gathered in a large ball in the hand that blows your opponent away also suck your enemy oxygen slowly when it first connects,What's dark space energy?
5, Roar of the Space Dragon a dark hurricane with stars and meteor
6, Space Dragon Dark rayga ; The magic circle appears in front of his hand and 7 to 8 wipes of dark space energy comes out that attack his opponent
7, Void; this magic ability can absorb certain (Not Physical attack) type of attacks and sucks it into space by the user summoning a circle that when look into you can see outer space
8, Space Dragon Star shower; this is just a weaker version of (star rain) you can summon star/stars in your hand and through them at your opponent
9, Gravity bound; can control gravity on his own body and on certain attacks
10, Ox-Ren Spark: create a wave of atmospheric pressure is and release around the enemy that sucks away his/her oxygen until they pass out.
Defense Spells;
1, Space Dragon ultimate defense; Dragon skin the skin well have stars printed on it and the stars will be bright and the color of the skin will be black,
2, Space Dragon star shield; a star will be would summon and grow bigger to block large scale attacks
Secret Arts; Of the Space Dragon Zelfera
1, Dragon slayer magic Sacred Art {Black Hole} This spell drains a lot of magic energy more then (55%), He closes his hand like he his praying then open it slowly there is a small dark hole in the middle then he troughs it and it grows bigger and starts to Draw/suck in everything around it with a very strong gravitational pull (User not affected), when the opponent is in the black hole they fell like there in space with no oxygen then the star and meteors attack and explode on impact while the dark hole gets smaller tell the entire space implode after that the opponent is seen fallen from the sky.
2, Dragon slayer magic Interstellar Art {Supernova} His Dark space magic aura (That gave him his nickname) surrounds his body at that time he shots after his opponent with great speed hitting his opponent with both hands, next his dark aura comes off his body and forms a black star on his opponent then his opponent is launched into the sky after that the black star causes a massive explosion.
3, Dragon slayer magic Star formation Art {Satellite square} This Spell also drains a lot of magic energy (45%), Laval draws a symbol/diagram with is hand then it appears on the ground when his opponent is inside the circle then he say (your within range) then his opponent his unable to move then the circle shrinks till it only surrounds his opponent afterward he says (shine down) at that time a massive amount of space magic is release from the magic circle. A lot of these spells are also over-powered.
4, Dragon Force (Not learned yet)
Okay, so I gave commenting on every one individually. Suffice it to say, a lot of then are over-powered.
Anither problem is that the effects of your Magic are too many and too varied. If we look at the other DSes:
Natsu: uses fire to deal damage and increase the power of his attacks.
Gajeel: uses iron to increase his defenses and turn his body into a weapon.
Wendy: uses air to create tornadoes, cleanse illness or power up the attacks of others.
They're all using one thing/element to do two or three things.
Laval: can a) power up the strength of attacks
b) use light to fire beams, cause explosions
c) use some kind of dark magic to blow enemies away, deprive them of oxygen
d) fire meteors
e) teleport attacks away
f) control gravity
g) increase atmospheric pressure
h) summon stars
i) cause a mini black hole
j) increase his own speed and destructive abilities
Plus according to your history, at the age of 8, Laval had mastered a type of magic that lets him move at the speed of light. Does that not seem over-powered to you?
The canon DSes all use one element each; fire, iron, sky. Laval's element appears to be "everything found in space". What's to stop someone making a DS whose element is "everything on Earth" who can summon tsunamis, volcanoes, hurricanes, earthquakes etc?
and Dante wouldn't mind any company right now lol
