Archived The MangaHelpers Confessional Thread - Part 1

[Naomi]

I confess that I have never had anyone close to me die. I've never been to a funeral.

 

[Charlie]

I confess that I have never had anyone close to me die. I've never been to a funeral.

Its something we cant really escape. You're born - your grow - you bite dust.

 

[BBB Banana]

Thanks for your feelings guys.

Those were 3 very tiring days. It had been a few years since I had seen a dead person and the first time in like 10 years I went to a funeral and actually touched someone dead. Last time I saw a dead person was a woman who was murdered in front of my school 3 years ago in portugal but that was from like 20 metters away.
This was the first time I touched a dead body at least that I remember. And it's just as they tell it's so cold it really gives a strange feeling.

Feel sad for my grandfather even though my great grandfather was expected to die anytime cuse he was 97 years old it was still his father so off course he would feel sad.

Also I feel sad for the people who never got to know even their grandparents. I feel so lucky I had the chance to meet 4 of my greatgrandparents.

 

[digitaldude]

I am not sure I told anyone here this but I saw my father die on a staircase, he was going to the hospital for tests with my brother and sister, but he only made it to the first step when he died, it was very quick and it was shocking even though he was ill for 3 months, he had a type cancer that was most common in Glasgow and had a low survivability rate, it was pretty difficult for all of us because he just kept getting worse and worse every day, what I regret though was that I didn't spend enough time with hm even though we lived in the same house. As for my grandparents I was not close to them at all, so when they died it wasn't as bad as my father, I only have one Grandma left and she is 90 years old, she lives in a different country and we talk once a week or so.

 

[Adorien]

Charlie! I hope you start feeling better soon.

I've always found comfort in music, it makes me let out my emotions, so that way it's easier to feel better.

Don't force yourself.

 

[blai]

I confess I'm depressed and have been for quite some time... I'm even considered taking anti depressants atm despite all the negative effects it has on you.

 

[M3J]

I confess I'm grandparentless. My dad's dad and my mom's mom died before I was born. I met my dad's mom twice when I was little, she died in India. My mom's dad lived in America for years, I knew him since I was a baby. He died when I was around 10-13, when we were coming back from Michigan.

I confess that I didn't and don't really care that my dad's mother died. I was upset when my mom's father died, though.


What's wrong, blai?

 

[blai]

Nothing is wrong. My life is perfect. I'm moving out in two weeks or so (no set date, whenever I feel like it rly), turning 21 on Saturday (yay), semester starts soon (can't wait), my school work from last semester is done (ALMOST!!!!!!!!!! ONE PAPER LEFT HE HE HE HE DEADLINE ON FRIDAY), I may or may not have gotten a girlfriend (don't know where we are really), my family is incredible (good way) and I found out I will get full student grant from late August / September with €1500 first month (SCOOOOOORE) and my heart condition isn't life threatening or even super dangerous anymore so I mean, my life is excellent...

I just hate myself sooooooo much, that's all... :|

---------- Post added at 04:38 AM ---------- Previous post was at 04:37 AM ----------

I also confess my insomnia is killing me -.-

Tried to go to bed at three today, it's now four thirty and I can't sleep so I decided to fuck it and pull an all nighter instead. :|

Making some coffee and reading online news at the moment. Newspaper is arriving in 10mins or so. I feel like I actually have a job or somewhere to be early today. #PretendToBeImportant

 

[BBB Banana]

I've kinda been feeling like that lately too Blai. I mean I've got a girlfriend I like, I was finally able to decide what I really want for my future. Got back into cram school so I can actually pass my exams, am happy with my work. My family is well.

But something is missing. It feels like life is so perfect something must be wrong and feels like I ain't worthy of all this good stuff.

 

[blai]

I've kinda been feeling like that lately too Blai. I mean I've got a girlfriend I like, I was finally able to decide what I really want for my future. Got back into cram school so I can actually pass my exams, am happy with my work. My family is well.

But something is missing. It feels like life is so perfect something must be wrong and feels like I ain't worthy of all this good stuff.

Is this because everything went too easy? It's kinda how I got the first apartment I was looking for, signed it without knowing if I'd get money, somehow (wtf government) I'm getting it, the girl was kinda going after me with me being nonchalant until I realised how awesome she was, thankfully, she didn't give up so we're kind of an item now, mate helped me with my schoolwork because he was annoyed at my laziness (didn't cure it by helping me lol) and it's like I don't even ask for something but it happens anyway. So all this good stuff has been happening for this entire year.

It started with after new years, dad decided to stop drinking, mom decided to stop being a paranoid thingy and everything went from shit to SOMETHING MAGNIFICENT, I, on a whim, decided to help my fraternity work at a pub, they liked me, I worked more, got award for "best member" (awesome, ikr), got nominated to join the board, I said "why not" got elected, got the first job I applied for, got kicked because a coworker (who worked there longer than me THEREFORE WERE MORE CREDIBLE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK) talked trash about me behind my back so my boss - ignorant fuck - kicked me without consulting me about the accusations at all, but after that happened I got €1600 back from tax thingy instead of the €500 I was told as I earned €6 OVER the threshold which allowed me to receive 60% instead of 20% back or sth like that, very weird, anyway, my point is. Things have been fixing itself and I've just watched my life be awesome without doing anything. I mean. Sooner or later I'll hit a brick wall when I'm actually asked to do something and I guess I'm feeling bad because I don't deserve ANY of this and I'll either a) get karma smacked in my face and loose everything or b) wont take responsibility and do things when I actually have to - i.e. after I move.


OR IDK MAN ITS ALL IN MY HEAD AND I SHOULD JUST CHILL THE FUCK OUT AND ENJOY IT IDK

 

[xi0]

I confess I'm depressed and have been for quite some time... I'm even considered taking anti depressants atm despite all the negative effects it has on you.

I wouldn't recommend them. I was on them from the age of 15 until I was 22...out of ignorance I guess. I don't blame my parents for it, they were clueless and bought into the "feel bad? take this SHIT! AND FEEL GUUD!" axiom that is in the medical community a lot these days.

It did nothing but make me feel dead inside and hide from my problems, made me put on weight, and fucked up my memory. How is someone supposed to work through their issues if they can't feel them anymore? So unless you want to be on them the rest of your life, don't expect them to cure the issue...because it'll come back and manifest itself in different ways, trust me. Feeling shitty/amazing/blegh/shitty/content/sad/lonely/kewl is better then feeling nothing at all...that's my opinion anyways.

 

[blai]

Thanks Gar. I will probably not take them, but it's just something I've had in the back of my head. "If I take these I will feel better and I want to feel better" instead of, idk, get my shit together and realise I don't have a reason to feel bad for or go to a shrink or something, ANYTHING.

Sorry you had to take anti depressants =/ My sister took them after she tried to kill herself when she had a horrible two years at home before she moved out... Didn't make her feel much better at all so she quit them and shaped the fuck up basically.

Now she's more successful than I'll ever be ;_;

 

[xi0]

I can only talk about them for a personal perspective. I'm not going to shit on them for everyone since I know people who are on them. They just didn't work for me...at all. So much time wasted with no progress. Just wanted to caution you about thinking a pill is going to fix things for you. Not to say that taking them, plus some sort of therapy wouldn't help but...yeah. Unless you're schizoid and/or violent I'm not sure if the benefits of a brain-chemistry-altering drug outweigh the negatives.

After the initial months of coming off of them...where I literally thought I was dying and became a hypochondriac...I felt and feel 10x better off of them then I ever did on them. Maybe me being on them during puberty was a factor? Where you're sort of insane anyways? I can't really say.

In any case...I dedicate this to you -

Spoiler

---------- Post added at 01:18 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:17 AM ----------

...that was a joke. I love you.

 

[blai]

Well in my eyes anti depressants are basically like shades you put in front of a window to avoid see something. It's like I'm depressed because of x, I don't want to be depressd because of x, I take anti depressants and am no longer depressed because of x yet I still suffer because of x so I'm not solving anything, I'm just avoiding confronting/dealing with x... Ya dig? -.-

So what I'm thinking when I'm like "i should get on ad's" is "oh my god i cba to do anything about this and it's sooo hard to change mentality, I'll just take these, wait two weeks and then live off of the effect and be happily ignorant".

No offense meant to anyone who's on it or knows someone who's on it but that's my take on them. It's like an escape from reality - or in this case, one's perceived reality (please don't argue that everyone's reality is a percevied reality etc YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN).

I very much prefer therapy when it's a situation like I'm in now when I'm feeling bad about myself and it's unjustified as an attempt to talk about it, understand it, and work on it to feel better about who I am as a person. I don't know what happened that made you feel depressed and I won't ask either but I feel so strongly against feeling bad when you have nothing to feel bad over. I mean, I'm depressed mostly because I hate myself, and I guess that has its root in my quite horrible childhood but at the same time, that made me who I am today and looking from an unbiased perspective, I didn't turn out half bad so even though I feel bad about myself, I know I shouldn't, and that makes me feel even worse. Feeling bad when I know I shouldn't feel bad makes me feel bad that I feel bad and it's just a negative spiral GOING DOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN IN TO THE ABYSS


I love you too Gary

Skype soon?

 

[M3J]

Nothing is wrong. My life is perfect. I'm moving out in two weeks or so (no set date, whenever I feel like it rly), turning 21 on Saturday (yay), semester starts soon (can't wait), my school work from last semester is done (ALMOST!!!!!!!!!! ONE PAPER LEFT HE HE HE HE DEADLINE ON FRIDAY), I may or may not have gotten a girlfriend (don't know where we are really), my family is incredible (good way) and I found out I will get full student grant from late August / September with €1500 first month (SCOOOOOORE) and my heart condition isn't life threatening or even super dangerous anymore so I mean, my life is excellent...

I just hate myself sooooooo much, that's all... :|

---------- Post added at 04:38 AM ---------- Previous post was at 04:37 AM ----------

I also confess my insomnia is killing me -.-

Tried to go to bed at three today, it's now four thirty and I can't sleep so I decided to fuck it and pull an all nighter instead. :|

Making some coffee and reading online news at the moment. Newspaper is arriving in 10mins or so. I feel like I actually have a job or somewhere to be early today. #PretendToBeImportant

Oh. I understand the self-hatred, to be honest. I'm still not at that point where I like myself, no matter how hard I try.

All nighter is not good for you though. Aren't you too young for that?

 

[blai]

Too young for all nighters wut?

 

[xi0]

The first paragraph is pretty much my exact point...but I think you know how stupid it sounds to think it would be a good thing to do to just be ignorant to some major bad crap by taking a pill. Easier I guess...

I'm not clinically depressed. Depression was more of a side affect of my main issue, which is anxiety. I became depressed because of what anxiety did to me; cause and effect. So stupid doctors treated me as being depressed, when I wasn't. Depression drugs give you a bit of a kick in the ass, or they're supposed to. It wasn't until later that I was on anxiolytics as well. They're sort of the same type of drug, but they do different things and there are even some that do both...which sort of boggles my mind since anxiety and depression are sort of opposites...sorta. But in any case, there were a bunch of cocktails that basically did nothing. This one will calm your shit, this one will give you a kick in the ass...this one will help you sleep, this one will keep you up. It was a bunch of bullshit and try not to think about the giant brain tumor I'll probably end up having in 10 years or so.

Anyways when I got off of them it was like HOLY SHIT LOOK AT HOW COLORFUL THE WORLD IS AND ALL THESE FEEEEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME SUNSHINE FEELS THIS GOOD AND STUFF?! OMG FRESH AIR...OMG A BURRITO WITH A TACO SHELL INSIDE IT?!?!?! ....OMG I THINK I'M GONNA DIE BECAUSE I STOPPED EATING AND I FEEL BAD NOW DOCTOR WHY DO I FEEL BAD FROM NOT EATING? DO I HAVE CANCER??!?!?

This was around the time I actually disappeared from MH and all online things and sort of cloistered myself for a few months in the summer of 2008. I eventually came out of it and I've overcome that kind of neurosis. It was like life went from monochrome to technicolor in a matter of few weeks and while I didn't go insane it sure felt like I was close to it because it was like life was in 4 dimensions all of a sudden or something.

Anyways, because of the medicine I couldn't deal with the actual issue...guess that was my point. Just try to get pass that sense of impending doom when things seem to be going too well. It's not a matter of being deserving or undeserving, life doesn't really ever work that way anyway.



Yes. Skype. Soon.

 

[M3J]

Too young for all nighters wut?

LITTLE KIDS NEED THEIR SLEEP

 

[blai]

Yeah, it's ridiculous but it's like a mental block which means that even if I KNOW I shouldn't feel that way I do feel that way and it's hard to convince me not to think something that I tell myself to think... It's like I'm trying to contradict myself and that inner conflict is so, SO tiring.

Oh, I see. the thing with doctors and mental "problems" is that they treat the symptoms and not the cause. If someone is depressed or anxious (basically having a chronic negative "feeling" about yourself that affects you physically as well)... If you know what I mean (I feel so confusing atm ) And I know a lot of cases/situations where people have been given pills and the doctors have said "this will make you worry less" instead of figuring out why they worry and how to treat the worried feeling instead of trying to block it. Because in my world, if you block my access to feeling depressed, how will I feel happy? It's like taking mental anaesthesia making someone unable to feel either positive nor negative emotions. And I guess going from not feeling anything to feeling everything would be a ridiculous shock to the body and the more pills you take, the worse the transition from taking to not taking becomes.

Yeah I know. There's a Swedish song called "No problems" by a duo where they basically talk about how good their lives are and how they don't have any problems but it doesn't feel right. "Is this how it feels to be happy, well that's okay I guess." and they tackle the fact that "My problem is that my problem is so small that you can't call it a problem so I should be happy, right?". And man, it just touches me. Right here *points to my heart* *watery eyes*

Nah but jokes aside that's exactly how I feel.

My problem is that I don't have any problems and that's why I feel so bad. Is this how it feels to be happy? Well I wouldn't know as I've never been happy so that just makes me depressed.

Man I'm fucked up.

---------- Post added at 08:37 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:36 AM ----------

LITTLE KIDS NEED THEIR SLEEP

I'M 21 IN FIVE DAYS AND ABLE TO DRINK IN ALL OF US \o/ YAY

 

[xi0]

I think it's silly how evolved our brains have become where we as a species require happiness to live a fulfilling life...no other animal needs such a thing!!!!!

Feelings come and go...it's sort of a cop-out, but you're still young. And even if you feel like no progress is made, time has a funny way of giving perspective and allowing you to appreciate things you never paid attention to before. "I wish I knew what I knew now when I was younger" - another cliche but it's so true it's stupid. Take my mind and put it back into my 15 year old body and I would have slayed many beasts.