"As loucas aventuras do Moa"

[xi0]

no... my health insurance plan only covers it if another doctor indicate that you need one and I don't feel comfortable talking with my parents about it

on the public system it's impossible to have the same doctor over a period of time

And I'm always prorcastinating about this kind of thing, like what kind of doc should I look for, what line does he follow, etc

Well, why not see your General Practitioner and mention it. He doesn't have to mention it to your parents, does he?

I don't really get the stigma about it. They say it's a benefit for anyone to see one.

 

[TheMoa]

It's not about the stigma, it's about the problems in communication that we have

 

[xi0]

It's not about the stigma, it's about the problems in communication that we have

Well, I meant in general...but you think they wouldn't overreact at all? lol

 

[TheMoa]

Dunno, maybe... but that wouldn't be the main problem for me

anyway, I'm definitely going see a doc this week... holly shit
I had like 2 "panic attacks" this weekend... I dunno what it was or how to call it.
I was on a barbecue yesterday, not to many people that I know there... and out of nowhere I was feeling an overwhelming desire and anxiety to just get out of there. I got so desperate that I didn't wait for the bus and spent a lot of money on cab(it was very far). When I was halfway through a friend txt asking me to go out, I had already calmed down a little and we went to a bar... it was fun and I was ok
Then tonight I went to church and the moment I got there I started to feel it all again, just wanting to go home and even a little difficult to breath. I just got home and I'm feeling really strange.

I don't remember feeling this way the last couple of years... I think maybe the week was a little too much for me... my friend wanting to kill himself, problems on uni, getting sick, being all alone at home, something strange on the relationship. Dunno, but I'm seeing a doc asap... this shit is terrible

 

[xi0]

Maybe not a full-blown one, but it sounds like an anxiety attack. I've had issues with them going back to when I was in high school.

 

[TheMoa]

And I forgot to mention... on an unrelated note
maybe not so unrelated
last night I had some kind of hallucination. I woke around 5 am, looked at the door and saw a person... like a person shape or form on the door. First thing I thought was sleep paralysis. But I was moving freely, looked at the side of the bed and my roommate was sound asleep. Then I pinched myself, I was fully awake... I looked at the person" and I knew it was the reflex of the light of the street light pole and my mind playing tricks on me... I identified the shape as a friend of mine, the girl I was with on the bar some hours before. Then I wondered if my roommate had put some shirt on the door, cuz it have never had such a reflex before... I picked up my phone and put some light there, the shape was gone and the door was normal.
I closed my eyes and went back to sleep. Now I'm on the same position, same light... and in no way or form the light of the light pole forms any kind of shape on the door

 

[xi0]

...

You sleep in the same room as your roommate?

 

[TheMoa]

4 bedrooms, 6 people
I share a bedroom

 

[xi0]

Ah okay, I didn't understand.

It seems like stress of some sort. Or someone slipped you acid again...

 

[TheMoa]

huahuahua
I don't think it was stress.. it was, I dunno hahaha
If I had acid on my system I wouldn't sleep hahah

I think my subconscious was sending messages about this friend of mine when I was sleeping.. I woke and it kept sending it, then I saw things and what have been seen can't be unseen hahaha something like that

 

[xi0]

huahuahua
I don't think it was stress.. it was, I dunno hahaha
If I had acid on my system I wouldn't sleep hahah

I think my subconscious was sending messages about this friend of mine when I was sleeping.. I woke and it kept sending it, then I saw things and what have been seen can't be unseen hahaha something like that

Okay, then seeing her means what...?

 

[TheMoa]

nothing... I had this "panic attack" on the saturday, after that i meet her and things were ok. She was like the good friend, something know, or a constant in the middle of all this confusion

 

[xi0]

nothing... I had this "panic attack" on the saturday, after that i meet her and things were ok. She was like the good friend, something know, or a constant in the middle of all this confusion

I think you're hypersensitive at the moment and reacting to a lot of things more severely than you normally would. My only guess is your girlfriend being out of town got you here...which is...idk

 

[TheMoa]

I dont think it was her being out of town, maybe her being emotionally distant after writing me kind of a love letter the week before got me confused... it was like 2 totally different people. But I don't think it was the real problem, I think it only poured salt on the wound.. it was a hell of a week in a lot of different areas of my life, I didn't handle it very well and it was just a cherry on the cake.
Anyway, I have to talk with her as soon as she gets here, cuz right now I really feel like the relationship is over, so I need to talk and get it out of the way

 

[xi0]

I dont think it was her being out of town, maybe her being emotionally distant after writing me kind of a love letter the week before got me confused... it was like 2 totally different people. But I don't think it was the real problem, I think it only poured salt on the wound.. it was a hell of a week in a lot of different areas of my life, I didn't handle it very well and it was just a cherry on the cake.
Anyway, I have to talk with her as soon as she gets here, cuz right now I really feel like the relationship is over, so I need to talk and get it out of the way

Have you even really talked? How can it be over?

 

[TheMoa]

cuz we talked but we didn't... it was the subtle changes on the way to talk, the coldness. I asked her something meaningful and she didn't answer... it's like you can feel it

She got on the city today, I asked her when we would see each other, she said she didn't know. I said that we needed to talk, she said yes, we need. I asked if I could come over, she didn't answer, I asked if I could call her on the phone, she didn't answer either.

All things bottled up, this hell of week.... I felt the need to take everything out of my chest, so I wrote a letter telling her about my week and asking her what really is going on... and sent her inbox
I hate to do that, but I really needed to say everything... it was a good letter

 

[xi0]

Ah, I thought she was just busy...maybe she reconsidered things or something. Maybe she felt the same things you were feeling about shit going along too quickly.

 

[TheMoa]

Nah, it wasn't being busy... being busy I would understand and wouldn't worry about it. She was ignoring me... like, I ask something on facebook, she saw, didn't answer and posted videos and commented on another people mural. It isn't being busy, it's don't wanting to talk. It could be that she just wanted some space, but the chat of the last couple of days.. it was really different.
About things going too quickly... could be
what really confused me was that she sent a really lovely message for me last weekend, opening her heart and all. It was like a "now, I'm really sure... let's do this"
and by "this" I mean truly opening the self to freely feel and and freely love... even the conception of love being difficult in such a short length of time. We had already discussed things going too fast, so It wasn't a message that she would send if it was the case.
What I think that happened is...
1 - she met someone from the past in her city and got confused about things
or
2 - She was far and at some point she realized it was just a crush instead of love and got over it... or is wondering what it is

anyway, I said what I had to and now I feel light... just gotta wait for her answer and feelings, but my anxiety from this is gone. Now I have to solve another problems hahaha

 

[xi0]

Yeah, maybe she's fickle or confused...idk. Sometimes feelings for someone can blind us to things we'd notice otherwise.

 

[TheMoa]

well, she just said that we need to talk, but she have a test tomorrow... the week was strange for her too. She loves me, but she's confused.

that's fine by me... I said that I'll give her some space and when she's ready/available I'll be here.