Life The MangaHelpers Confessional Thread - Part 2

[kkck]

If it was people I didn't really know (therefore don't actually know me), then it wouldn't bother me. But it's been people I consider my closest friends and then my sister was the last straw. And the worst part is that is always comes as a shock when people call me cold-hearted and what not.

What do you tell people when they say things like that to you, or ask you those types of questions? I never really know what to say, so I either just sort of shrug it off or change the subject. Or worse... agree with them. In retrospect, that's probably not a very good way of proving that I actually have feelings.



Hmmm. Not really sure, actually. To be honest, I typically use them more as endearing or playful terms when I say them to people.

And you actually have a good point there, Bene. Most of the time it's a really good thing to not give a shit about several things. Amen to that. But sometimes they will be addressing things like "you don't care about us/our relationship". Or the most recent one, when I was asked "how do you choose not to care?" and I wanted the question to be more specific the response was, "how do you choose not to care about our dad"? I just sort of freeze up and UGH.

But I know it's not all true because me worrying about it is a sign that I do have emotions over it. So that's a good start. I just don't know how to convey that to other people when it matters, or if it's really even necessary to try. Maybe it doesn't matter.

I have been in a similar position a few times. I am pretty much an introvert and am less than expressive so I have had a few times when people in my family particularly just say stuff along the lines of what you mention. I have a "if it does not have a solution then it is not a problem" attitude and I generally don't have a compulsion to just dump my problems on other people when there is nothing they can do about them... I take it your sister is a tad more extroverted than you? In that light it is extremely likely she is used to actually express her problems and emotions a tad more when they are there to some degree. Being like that, which is by no means wrong, would make a more introverted attitude completely alien to her. Its wouldn't be something she is able to properly conceive because it is not something she has ever experienced. Kinda like how introverts won't necessarily get what is up with all the sharing extroverts sometimes have going on. Of course, getting an extrovert to understand that introverts aren't robots devoid of emotions or getting an introvert to understand that extroverts aren't sociopaths aiming to make everyone miserable via emotion and problem sharing is not necessarily easy (specially when they just want to be heard and don't actually want perspectives or potential solutions to their issues and whatnots). IMHO the thing to remember is that others are not mind readers so unfortunately even if something does have you down others won't know unless you show it in some form or another. They could ask if something has you down, instead of like your sister assuming you are a robot, or something but generally others won't unless you show it somehow or they can conceive the notion of someone being down without really showing it. Hopefully I am not WAAAAY off here.

 

[Hardy]

If it was people I didn't really know (therefore don't actually know me), then it wouldn't bother me. But it's been people I consider my closest friends and then my sister was the last straw. And the worst part is that is always comes as a shock when people call me cold-hearted and what not.

What do you tell people when they say things like that to you, or ask you those types of questions? I never really know what to say, so I either just sort of shrug it off or change the subject. Or worse... agree with them. In retrospect, that's probably not a very good way of proving that I actually have feelings.

We never stop learning about the people that is around us, even friends and family. I'm kinda the same, I usually think that people don't really know me, but it's actually me the one that ain't really open about what I feel. I'm not saying you're "hiding" anything, it's just that apparently some people see you that way, you shouldn't feel weird about it at all, it happens. But next time, tell them what you actually think, you shouldn't just agree

---------- Post added at 01:20 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:18 PM ----------

I have been in a similar position a few times. I am pretty much an introvert and am less than expressive so I have had a few times when people in my family particularly just say stuff along the lines of what you mention. I have a "if it does not have a solution then it is not a problem" attitude and I generally don't have a compulsion to just dump my problems on other people when there is nothing they can do about them...

I'm almost the same, except that once in a while (like... I dunno, 3 times a year) I just "free" myself and seriously talk to someone about wtv is happening with me.

 

[benelori]

And you actually have a good point there, Bene. Most of the time it's a really good thing to not give a shit about several things. Amen to that. But sometimes they will be addressing things like "you don't care about us/our relationship". Or the most recent one, when I was asked "how do you choose not to care?" and I wanted the question to be more specific the response was, "how do you choose not to care about our dad"? I just sort of freeze up and UGH.

Well I can't really relate...but perhaps..."I choose not to care, because I have other things I care about? "...you are shutting out those emotions for a reason, perhaps others could try to understand why?...cuz from what I understood it was asked more like a reproach, not genuine curiosity or whatnot...

But I know it's not all true because me worrying about it is a sign that I do have emotions over it. So that's a good start. I just don't know how to convey that to other people when it matters, or if it's really even necessary to try. Maybe it doesn't matter.

Perhaps this would be a good time not to care ...anyways...dealing with emotions comes with experience...just be honest and natural about it and there will be peace in the world ...others will get to know you and how comfortable you are when expressing emotions...

 

[M3J]

Bottling stuff is better than telling people about it, because people suck.

 

[kkck]

M3j, its not the holidays yet, stop spreading the joy.

 

[Xadyu]

Holidays only bring misery.

 

[M3J]

Holidays are expensive.

 

[Xadyu]

The holidays are as expensive as you make them out to be.

I don't really celebrate any kind of holiday, hell, I don't even celebrate birthdays.
The only parties I attend or organize are the ones that celebrate certain achievements. Something that's worth celebrating.

 

[Naomi]

Wow, I got a lot of feedback here. You guys all have very different insights and perspectives and I found them all helpful. After reading everything and looking back on those few days, I think my sister was just a confused emotional wreck. The next day she even asked me if I hated her. Being my emotional-expressively-inept self, I froze up again and literally fled from the room/house. But don't worry, I vocalized my thoughts over her questions and let her know that hate is the last feeling I have towards her. And that I can choose not to care about our father most of the time because I am the most like him out of my sisters (and that it's not something she should strive for anyway). We're very different, she and I. But I also told her that I wouldn't have it any other way. I almost cried there right in front of her. It made it really hard because she was sobbing all over the place.

And there I was, thinking that I've completely mastered expressing my emotions... Until she verbally has to ask me to hold her hand. I guess the moral of the story is that no matter how big your ego or confidence can build, there is always something you need to work at.




Also, I finally got the grade back on my first pchem exam. I confess that I made a 53 and was immensely relieved by it.... I don't think I have to drop the class now!! At least, if I can keep this up or even do a little better.

 

[M3J]

The holidays are as expensive as you make them out to be.

I don't really celebrate any kind of holiday, hell, I don't even celebrate birthdays.
The only parties I attend or organize are the ones that celebrate certain achievements. Something that's worth celebrating.

True. I think I"ll make it a point to not get anyone but my significant other a Christmas gift. Not even my kids. Holidays are slowly turning commercial, and even tragedies like 9/11. :\

Wow, I got a lot of feedback here. You guys all have very different insights and perspectives and I found them all helpful. After reading everything and looking back on those few days, I think my sister was just a confused emotional wreck. The next day she even asked me if I hated her. Being my emotional-expressively-inept self, I froze up again and literally fled from the room/house. But don't worry, I vocalized my thoughts over her questions and let her know that hate is the last feeling I have towards her. And that I can choose not to care about our father most of the time because I am the most like him out of my sisters (and that it's not something she should strive for anyway). We're very different, she and I. But I also told her that I wouldn't have it any other way. I almost cried there right in front of her. It made it really hard because she was sobbing all over the place.

And there I was, thinking that I've completely mastered expressing my emotions... Until she verbally has to ask me to hold her hand. I guess the moral of the story is that no matter how big your ego or confidence can build, there is always something you need to work at.




Also, I finally got the grade back on my first pchem exam. I confess that I made a 53 and was immensely relieved by it.... I don't think I have to drop the class now!! At least, if I can keep this up or even do a little better.

A hug can tell more stories than words.

Congrats! \o




I confess I absolutely despise our piece of shit government.

 

[Xadyu]

Death gives life new perspectives.

Last night I lost one of my closest friends, it's not the first time this happened.
But, the more this happens, the more I feel apathy instead of any feelings.

I'm sad, sure, he was a good guy, he didn't deserve to go, especially not in the way it eventually happened.
All day long, I've been thinking, I didn't go to school, I called off other appointments, and I just sat on my bed.
I took a long walk, sat in nature, my usual spots and some new ones. I'm not sure what I feel about this, nor if I actually care.

I thought this was going to happen, I've talked about this before, the more people that passed, the more I started to care less.
I've seen friends and other dear to me die in front of my eyes, I've heard of their passing, but, can it be, that finally, at this point, I stopped caring?

I'm not sure how to deal with this, normally I don't care, I'm a sensitive guy, I care a lot about my friends and family and even the friends of friends and all that shit, because, I care, you know. The last couple of years this became less and less, I have a close group of people I care about, a lot. If there's contact or not. (In this case, contact was getting less with time these past two years.)

Normally I'm at peace with my apathy in, basically every scenario. But for some reason this has been bugging me all night and day.
And I'm not sure how I should handle this? It's disturbing and I want to find some way to handle this.. lack of feeling.

Not just for me, but for the people close to me, he was a good friend of my friends and he was a life-long friend of my close family and best friend.
I haven't talked about it with them, they are devastated, but I'm just afraid that if they see how I act, that'll stir something up or.. something.

 

[xi0]

People deal with grief in different ways. Yes, some feel nothing about it, because they don't let themselves. That's just another coping mechanism. There''s been several deaths in my family that I didn't have much reaction to, for different reasons I won't get into.


That or you're so narcissistic that you can't actually feel anything about it.

 

[M3J]

I think you've begun to cope by detaching emotions to avoid more grief. Dunno, but you said you saw loved ones die before your eyes. I'm guessing you're either used to the death of the people you love or you're becoming emotionless/more detached as a way to deal with the losses.

 

[earthforge]

Holidays are awesome mej. STFU.

Xadyu, if you honestly didn't care, you wouldn't have taken a whole day to sit in your room and grieve. Mourning someone, especially a dear friend, takes time and is often a screwball process. Don't be too hard on yourself.

 

[Xadyu]

Holidays are awesome mej. STFU.

Xadyu, if you honestly didn't care, you wouldn't have taken a whole day to sit in your room and grieve. Mourning someone, especially a dear friend, takes time and is often a screwball process. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Holidays are shit.

I didn't really grieve. I still haven't, I was just putting things in a perspective. I thought about him and our relationship through the years, but I won't call it grieving.
That was also a small amount of the time, since the rest of the time I put my own life and decisions in a perspective.

I think that Mill is right (I can't believe I said that..) and I'm just getting.. used(?) to it? This is the 6th person that was close to me that died, this year.
Death has been surrounding me since I can remember, and if it's not someone I care about I get confronted by it in some way or another.

Maybe he's right, maybe I'm just.. getting used to it.

 

[xi0]

Holidays are shit.

I didn't really grieve. I still haven't, I was just putting things in a perspective. I thought about him and our relationship through the years, but I won't call it grieving.
That was also a small amount of the time, since the rest of the time I put my own life and decisions in a perspective.

I think that Mill is right (I can't believe I said that..) and I'm just getting.. used(?) to it? This is the 6th person that was close to me that died, this year.
Death has been surrounding me since I can remember, and if it's not someone I care about I get confronted by it in some way or another.

Maybe he's right, maybe I'm just.. getting used to it.

That sentence makes no sense. Yeah, you might have been thinking about how little it affected you, but meanwhile, you were still thinking about his death. You lied in bed all day. Would you have rather been torn up by it, sobbing uncontrollably?

 

[Xadyu]

Like I said, that was just for a small amount of time. People kept talking about their relationships with him.
I just reminisced some moments, nothing more actually.

 

[xi0]

Like I said, that was just for a small amount of time. People kept talking about their relationships with him.
I just reminisced some moments, nothing more actually.

So it's weird to you that you reacted differently than them? You already said there were other people in your life who had closer relationships with him than you, or at least implied it.

It sounds to me that you're being nitpicky with yourself. If 6 people died in your life this year, it seems like you're numb to it...not surprising.

 

[M3J]

Holidays are shit.

I didn't really grieve. I still haven't, I was just putting things in a perspective. I thought about him and our relationship through the years, but I won't call it grieving.
That was also a small amount of the time, since the rest of the time I put my own life and decisions in a perspective.

I think that Mill is right (I can't believe I said that..) and I'm just getting.. used(?) to it? This is the 6th person that was close to me that died, this year.
Death has been surrounding me since I can remember, and if it's not someone I care about I get confronted by it in some way or another.

Maybe he's right, maybe I'm just.. getting used to it.

I'm usually right when I'm actually being serious, nothing new there.

How many deaths have you gone through?

 

[Xadyu]

I'm usually right when I'm actually being serious, nothing new there.

How many deaths have you gone through?

I've never taken you seriously, so it's new for me.

I don't actually count the people who were close to me that died.. What kind of question it that..