l will start by saying that I'm tired of being sluggish and unhappy every morning I wake up. It's definitely a choice but my everyday life choices certainly seem to be defined by my lack of volition. I am honestly not quite sure what's going on in my head anymore, I try self-help thoughts and habits but ultimately my cynicsm gets the best of me. I feel like I do nothing all day, everyday even though I keep a full-time job. I do try to keep sharp and I am generally pretty quick witted but I just can't shake the monkey off my back, he weighs a hundred-thousand pounds, I'm telling you. I'm constantly sore and lately I've been letting myself get fat, although I have been doing a good job restricting my dieting hours. I'm fully conscious of pretty much anything, I'm never not paying attention in fact I hardly ever zone out. But if I could, I would totally go ahead and let go of everything and zone far out. Floating out in the ocean somewhere far away...
Why do I feel this way?
So my brother is involved in a relationship with a teacher and he announced they will get engaged next Saturday. I feel sad because i didn't know this women that he wants to engage with yet. I'd like to know her better. I feel annoyed and uncomfortable because you know my brother is as much as me, dependent on our parents.. I mean yeah he is good looking man but that ain't enough, You need a solid ground to start making a family because you will heave responsibilities and i think he don't have any ground for that step yet. To this day he still ask my father for money and then call my mother for another patch.
I can't talk tho or disagree because i was similar to him when i got married, I was fully dependent but it's different, I knew my BF/husband for 11 years now, He lived with us at some point, Traveled with us, Ate with us, Slept with us. He was another member of the family. It's not fair comparison really, He engaged this fast to a random women that we know nothing of her. I'm also a women, It's more common for women to stay home and men to work.. It's also not fair for her to get a husband who can't earn money.
My father agreed to this engagement and he said he will support him. I just don't understand how my good old man thinks? for how long he will keep supporting us. He need to say no, To make us stand on our feet and depend on ourselves. The 3 of us are dependent and can't live on our own. I'm scared to death for my poor sister and brother. A very ugly world is waiting for us if we didn't change. My family need to understand, No matter how rich they are, They are still subjected to the worst scenarios because there are literally no new producers and more of consumers. Their kids are no longer kids. They are like wild animals in cages, They will die in the wild because they have no skills of surviving.
I can't stop myself from thinking of our future, It's so frustrating. I'm now working but it still too long way for me to reach that level of self peace, I don't know if i can keep my job. I'm still inexperienced. I hope i can be a backbone for my family. I hope my family get what i'm feeling for years now and start being productive. I hope for a real change.