Hyoujou Fubu Oneshot : Hyoujou Fubu

** Preamble: culture and vocabulary notes***

Hyoujou Fubu is play on the words Tenka Fubu (天下布武) which was Oda Nobunagas’s personal seal and roughly translates to “Under the heavens by force of arms.” Hyoujou (氷上) means on ice. So Hyoujou Fubu is “[conquer the] ice by force”

Suberi-gei (すべり芸) is a form of Japanese comedy. Suberu literally means to slip/slide. In slang it can also mean failing to make someone laugh; in English to “bomb a joke” would be a synonym. When a comedian fails to make someone laugh, there may be an awkward silence and a few chuckles. Then from that silence everyone starts laughing. Comedians who use that are called suberigei-jin or suberi artists

*** /end of preamble ***

Page 1

Oda: Actually, I've seen ghost like things many times!
A ghost like old man that looked like Akihiro Miwa.
Oda: Ah, maybe it was ghost like old lady that looked like Akihiro Miwa.
(**Note: Akihiro Miwa, a singer, was an effeminate man and drag queen.)
(**Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Akihiro_Miwa)
Reporter: Was it Miwa? A Ghost? An old man? An old woman? Make up your mind!
Reporter: Anyways, Oda. You can't be seriously appearing in the
Japan Exhibition wearing that costume?
Oda: Maybe.
Reporter: Does that mean you are intending to aim for laughs like always?
Reporter: Frankly speaking it's not funny at all. Is it going to be ok?
Oda: That may be the case right now but...
Oda: for the performance I'll also be wearing a bald cap.
Reporter: Either way isn't funny at all.

Page 2

Reporter: Tokugawa! Congratulations on first place in men's singles.
Reporter: As one would expect of the front runner for next year’s Sochi Olympics.
Reporter: What do you think of second place Oda who comes from the same hometown as you?
Tokugawa: Oda?
He's a stupid, lame suberi jerk.
Tokugawa: I don't recognize him as a figure skater.
Tokugawa: That lame suberi, cherry turd, giant areola.
Reporter: What a long nickname!
Oda: Tokugawa?
He's strong.
Oda: At the beginning, middle, and end, he doesn't make any mistakes.
Oda: But I won't lose.
Reporter: Um.. Oda you lost yesterday, didn’t you.
Reporter: A lot of people also think that in terms of everyday life,
his looks, popularity, and ability are all above yours.
Oda: Even more his dick is huge!
Oda: But I've been told before that my 6th sense is stronger than his.
Reporter: What does that have to do with skating?
Who told you that.
Oda: Someone who looked exactly like Akihiro Miwa.
Reporter: So annoying!

Page 3

In the 2006 Turin Winter Olympics Japan took gold in women's single figure skating.

Tokugawa: Guys! Did you see that yesterday?
Tokugawa: It was super cool, that Ina Bauer.


(**Note: Reference to the figure skating move)
(**Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ina_Bauer_%28element%29#In_Japan)


(Name: Ienari Tokugawa)

Oda: Ya! I watched the DVDs in one go.
Oda: I got super fired up during the fight against Gaines.

(Name: Nobusuke Oda)

Touko: Japan's technology is amazing, isn't it?
It's ok even with 100 people on it.

(Name: Touko Kinoshita)

Narration: At that time we were still in elementary school and our conversations never matched

Right box: Talking about Ina Bauer
Middle Box: Talking about Jack Bauer
Left Box: Talking about Inaba shed.

(**Note: イナバ物置 (Inaba monooki) is a shed made by a Japanese company
who advertised it as it can even support 100 people.)

Narration: but we were always together.
Narration: All three of us attended the same skate club.
Oda: Let's go get some coffee. It's Ienari's treat!
Tokugawa: Wai.. why!
Touko: Ahh, you're so great Ienari-kun.
Tokugawa: Oh? Ok.
All: Honey Latte! 5 sugars!!
Narration: All of us had super sweet tooths.

Page 4

Touko: Hey, I wonder if we can make the next Olympics.
Tokugawa: You might be able to, you're the best of us Touko.
Touko: Umm, this is the year of the dog...
When the next Olympics...
The year of the cat...?
Tokugawa: There is no cat in the Chinese zodiac.
Oda: Hey! Touko! Ienari!
Oda: I've perfected the Ina Bauer!
Tokugawa: Something's not quite right!
Tokugawa: I mean look out!
Oda: Oooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww
Oda: They said it would leave a scar but it won't cause any other problems.
Oda: How does it look?
Tokugawa: Yeah.. Absolutely no problems.
Oda: At a glance it looks like a giant areola...
Oda: and the scar on my stomach looks like an arrow.
Tokugawa: No problems.
Narration: All three of us had the same dream.
Oda: There absolutely is a problem! There is another Oda in our class.
Whenever my name is written on the black board it will written as Oda (Areola)!
Touko: It's ok. We'll use the arrow and write this...

(Note: Chest says “not an areola”)

Oda: I don't think that’s going to change anything!
Narration: We all wanted to go to the Olympics.
Something about the flashback scene choice was wrong though.

Page 5

Announcer: Listen to these loud cheers,
Announcer: The Nobleman on ice, Tokugawa Ienari.
Announcer: That beautiful and magnificent technique!
Announcer: That overwhelming expressive power.
Announcer: Those chiseled good looks!
Announcer: And that huge penis!
Crowd: Kyaa
He's beautiful
It's huge
Kyaaa
No way
It's huge~~~
Announcer: It's the second biggest in the world after Russia's Pluchinko.

(**Note: chinko is colloquial for penis)

Announcer: On top of being granted looks and brains by the gods, he was also
bestowed with a big penis.
Announcer: That’s the worse comment.
Announcer: The song is even a popular Western song.
Announcer: You're “Hipster-ness” is showing.
Announcer: The type that even for manga would ignore their local bookstore and go to
The hip Village Vanguard to buy it.
Oda: Touko!?
Oda: Touko, where are you!?

Page 6

Touko: What is it Nobu-chan.
Oda: Uuuoo, you scared me!
Oda: Hey, I wonder is this funny!?
Touko: I don't hate it but,
it might be too classic.
Oda: Hmm, then maybe I'll go a little more surreal.
Announcer: Next in men's singles we have Oda Nobusuke
Announcer: Look, just by mentioning his name the stadium has returned to silence.
Announcer: Every exhibition Oda is guilty of performing his lame jokes, is this ok?
Announcer: It's ok.
Announcer: Well, this exhibition has a strong reputation, but it is light in regulation.
Announcer: Even if you are free to choose your own costume,
Announcer: he's not even wearing skates.
Announcer: He's making a whole in the ice, is this really ok?
Announcer: Forget about the rules, he's even ignoring the law.
Announcer: Ah, this is Wakasagi. He's fishing for Wakasagi
Announcer: Will we have to wait until he catches something?

PAGE 7

Announcer: Oh, he's changing costumes now.
Announcer: Yeah, if it's not well received he moves on to the next gag right away.
This is a good decision I think.
Announcer: Oh, cross dressing.
This is another classic.
Announcer: It's not very funny. It's about the level of college student having a little
too much to drink at a party.
Announcer: Hahaha.
Announcer: But up to now he would always bring out a simple dirty joke, so I can sense his growth.
Announcer: Is that so?
Announcer: Something sticking out isn't it.
Announcer: He has brought out the worst joke.
Narration: Even if everyone in the world doesn't laugh,
Oda: Touko! Did you see it!? Was it good!
Narration: as long as just Touko laughs, that's fine
Oda: And, I actually caught something.
Touko: Huh? It's over?
Touko: Sorry, I was playing Animal Crossing
Touko: But, it was the time that Fumitarou came over
Oda: Who's Fumitarou!!?

PAGE 8

Oda: Touko, are you ok?
Is it alright that you left the hospital?
Touko: Hey, Nobu-chan
This is the year of the snake right?
Touko: Why wasn't the cat included in the Chinese zodiac?
Oda: Hm? Are you stupid. It was just the fate of the cat.
Touko: Is that it, that's why Neko Hiroshi wasn't included in Cambodia’s delegation too.
(**Note: Neko Hiroshi a Japanese comedian known for cat persona act.
Also a marathon runner who got Cambodia citizenship and also with some controversy was chosen to run in the Olympics for them)
(**wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neko_Hiroshi)

Oda: That has nothing really to do with it though.
Touko: Fate huh, the cat must hast have been frustrated
Oda: Hiroshi too.
Tokugawa: What are you grumbling about?
Oda: What's with that useless cool entry?
Tokugawa: It's about time you stop that stupid act.
You won't gain anything from it.
Oda: I caught five fish.
Tokugawa: What are you going to do gaining Wakasagi?
Oda: Ah, Sorry can I get a honey latte with 5 sugars.
Tokugawa: Hey listen to..
Ah, I'll have one too.
Touko: Me too.
Tokugawa: Do you not want to go to the Olympics Nobu...
For Touko’s sake too...
Now's the time to polish our skills and raise our ratings.
Oda: Excuse me, one Bagna Cauda please.
Tokugawa: What will you do with raising you women's level?

PAGE 9

Oda: Even if it's just us two that go?
Unless all three of us go together there's no point! Right?
Tokugawa: ...
Touko: Ya...
Oda: Forget about that. I've thought about my next gag!
Oda: I'm going to pair with an imaginary sumo wrestler
What do you think?
Touko: It's fine isn't it.
Oda: Ohhh, I can see it now!
Tokugawa: Oy..
Tokugawa: Can you see something over there?
Oda: I can certainly see a vision.
Oda: Touko bursting into laughter!
and the crowd somewhat.
Oda: Because that’s all I have.
Well you can quickly go off to the Olympics.
Tokugawa: As usual I can't have a conversation with you.
Don't underestimate the Olympics.
If that's how you feel then hurry up and quit.
You stupid suberi ass.
Oda: That's right. I'm not really suited for Figure skating, my body's
balance is critically bad.
Oda: Because my left areola is huge, I lean to the left.
Because of someone's fault!
Tokugawa: That was an accident! Anyways your nipple isn't that heavy.
Oda: Oh my left nipple. I can't use it anymore.
Touko: They're fighting again.
Tokugawa: It had no purpose in the first place! It's not something guys need.

PAGE 10

Oda: I do need it!
Oda: It's an important erotic zone!
Tokugawa: That’s what I’m saying, for a lifelong virgin like you there is no use!
Waitress: Here's two honey lattes.
Oda: I.. I'm not a virgin.
You're one aren't you?
Tokugawa: I.... I'm not a virgin either.
Touko: You don't have to think of me.
Touko: You two just do whatever you want.
Narration: Touko
Narration: was said by coach to have the outstanding skating talent seen
only once every 100 years.
Narration: Both me and Ienari liked that Touko.
Oda: Mine was cooler right?
Tokugawa: I.. I was.
Touko: Hmmmm.. which one.
Overwhelmingly Ienari-kun.
Oda: Overwhelmingly!?
Narration: But she also had an incurable disease said to only effect one in a million people.
Narration: Soon she was spending more time on a hospital bed than on the ice.
Touko: I'm dumb.
Touko: So it's nice now that I get more time to study.
So don't make such faces.
Touko: Right now I'm probably smarter than you two. Hehe.
Touko: Stupid, Stupid.

PAGE 11

Touko: Did you know?
Hideyoshi was said to fill his wallet from the cuckoo killed by Nobunaga
(Note: reference to the famous senryu of the three daimyou: Nobunagana, Hideyoshi, Tokugawa.)
(**link: http://www.amadori.org/html_and_images/html/read4real/hototogisu.pdf)

Tokugawa: When you get better... let's all skate together again.
Oda: The three of us are going to the Olympics!
Touko: Yeah!

SFX: Click (door shutting)

Ienari: The doctors said...
she would never skate again
Tokugawa: Damn it
Oda: ...
Oda: Is that all doctors are...
Oda: They can't even fix one areola,
one illness.
Oda: I don't believe those bald quacks.
Narration: From that time on

PAGE 12

Narration: My dream changed to making Touko laugh.
Doctor: It's broken.
Oda: I don't believe it!
Doctor: Here look at the X-ray
Narration: If medicine couldn't return her smile
Narration: then I'll do it with laughter.
Reporter: Excuse me everyone, we are going to go live.
Can we get all of the skaters in frame please.
Reporter: Tokugawa, can you please say "After this"
Reporter: And then every together say "Dreams On Ice 2013!" please.
Tokugawa: After this!

Top middle: Live
Bottom right: Right after this!
Oda: Maguro
Oda: Two nights in a row.
Everyone: Oy!
Everyone: Oy, you there, you Watari Tetsuya!

(Note: Maguro was a Japanese television drama about a fisherman.
Watari Tetsuya was the lead actor, who Oda is impersonating)

Reporter: Um, let me apologize for the wrong information and broadcasting
that suspicious person.
Tokugawa: Are you a child!
Oda: Do you think the joke was a bit too old!?
Touko: Maybe
Oda: Speaking of which
If you do it with me there is no point!

PAGE 13

Touko: Next should we reveal the inside of Naoto Inti Raymi's bag?
Oda: Speaking of which, don't come into the men's change room.
It's full of asses.
Oda: Huh? Touko have you seen my skates?
Touko: I was keeping them warm for you!
(Culture Note: This is a reference to Hideyoshi who was a sandal bearer for Oda.
He impressed Oda by keeping his sandals warm under his kimono)
Oda: They're covered in blood!?
Tokugawa: What are you doing?
This place is off limits to everyone but participants.
Oda: I'm a skater though.
Tokugawa: This time it’s for the top 5 from last tournament and pro's only.
Tokugawa: Last time you were 8th right?
Oda: 8th is no good!!?
Tokugawa: Of course it’s no good. Who do you think you are? Renhou?

(Renhou wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Renh%C5%8D)

Tokugawa: Because you keep doing those acts, you keep falling.
At this rate the Olympics are hopeless.
Oda: Hmm. I'm fine.
I keep telling you, if all three of us can't go there is no point.
Tokugawa: It's impossible for all three of us to go together.
Oda: Don't be so direct.
Oda: Fine then. I'll just wear a red and white stripe shirt, act as your supervisor
and get into photos.
Background: Is that Kazuo Umezu-sensei?
No, no it's Waldo.

(Note: Kazuo Emezo is a manga artist known for his love of red and white stripe shirts)

Tokugawa: Wake up Nobu...
It hurts to look at you...
Tokugawa: Who's laughing!?
Oda: Touko is!!

Page 14

Tokugawa: That's the most
Impossible person!
Oda: Ie...
Ienari..?
Tokugawa: I wanted the three of us to go the Olympics together too.
If Touko was still alive...
Oda: What's he saying...
Tokugawa: You’re right here...
Right? Touko!
Oda Right here...
Background: Can you see something over there?
Background: Suspicious person
Background: Two honey lattes.

Page 15

Oda: ... She was here...
Oda: You’re here right!!
Oda: Touko!
Touok: Huh?
Oda: Ah, you’re here.
Touko: Nobu-chan...
You really should know...
Touko: You cried a lot at the funeral…
I saw you.
Oda: But...
But you…
Oda: Just showed up so naturally!
Oda: Then I thought you were still alive and it was all a bad dream!
We even traded Pokemon
Touko: Nobu-chan, let's trade Pokemon
Oda: Huh!?
Su...sure.
Touko: It's not a dream...
Unfortunately it's true...
Oda: ...Why are you still here...
Touko: Because I'm stupid...
Touko: I don't know the way of moving on.
Oda: You don't know!?
Don't you just float away!?
Like poof?
Touko: But, you don't learn it in compulsory education.
Oda: We haven't learned it in high school yet either!?

Page 16

Oda: You must have some regrets after all
Touko: I don't.
It's fate, right.
Oda: What about the cat not being in the Chinese Zodiac.
Touko: ...I think it must have hurt.
Oda: And what about you not being able to skate?
Touko: It hurts...
Oda: Alright,
Let’s make the three of ours dream
a reality.

2014 Russia
Sochi Olympics

Page 17

Announcer: Even on this world stage, he showed us a wonderful performance.
The nobleman on ice, Ienari Tokugawa.
Announcer: His dick really was huge.
Announcer: Ohh, but his points are just barely behind that of Pluchinko.
Unfortunately he won't be able to get gold.
Announcer: Oh, it's still too early for you to be making your finishing pose Pluchinko.
Announcer: Japan still has one skater left.
Announcer: Japan's proud areola.
Announcer: The angels halo, Nobusuke Oda.
Announcer: This past year he has sealed away his bad jokes and performed seriously.
and was picked as a representative of Japan.
Announcer: His talent was unnaturally high in the beginning.
..Huh?
Announcer: This is..
Announcer: Ehh... pair skating movement.
Annoucer: He's lifting something up…
Annoucner: He can't be...
Like an air guitar, he's performing a pair performance by himself...

Page 18

Announcer: No way..
That bad of a joke at the Olympics...
Annoucer: Is this why he sealed away his bad jokes...
Announcer: So that he could do his suberi act on the world stage...
Annoucner: He's the worst!
Announcer: Up to now he's received the strictest warnings.
Announcer: Anyways why hasn't this guy been stopped?
Narration: Because he's always been above me.
Narration: In skating.
Touko: But
Touko: Nobu-chan is funnier so I like him!
Narration: And love

Page 19

Reporter: Oda's really done it, hasn't he.
Tokugawa: He really has.
I want to apologize to everyone in Japan
Tokugawa: On this grand world stage
Tokugawa: That you had to watch this suberi-gei, I am very sorry.
Tokugawa: But...
Tokugawa: Figure skaters are people
Tokugawa: who slide on cold surfaces.

(**Note: A lame joke in Japanese is sometimes called a "Cold Joke")