Gintama 252

Dear god I hate you Sorachi. I hate hate hate you. Stupid long winded references I don't understand, so I had to consult the script on 2ch that doesn't split bubbles so I had to consult the raw which is hard as hell to read. >_> If you ever do a chapter like this again I'll seriously quit Gintama.

....

....

... No I won't.

(Top text- GINTAMA)

(Bottom- Jump comics Volume #28 and the Novel 'Third Year Z Class Ginpachi Sensei' will both be released Friday April 3rd!)

(Sfx- Gouun creeeek)

???: Prisoner Number 32034....

Tanaka Kohee

The evilest murderer in thirty years...you've taken the lives of more than forty government officials.

Manslayer Kohei has become your moniker..you are known and feared as the most radical of the patriots...

(Side text- A dangerous scent....)

???: While killing these forty officials, you did it with the same sinister expression, a twisted smile of pure malice.

Even today, before we managed to slap the cuffs on your bloodstained hands, you had killed seven more people.

But now you are under our watchful eyes, and we will interrogate you for your secrets.

002

???: I should rephrase myself.....we are here to torture you...

Just as you tortured the officials you killed.....we will make you suffer until you talk.

But as we look upon you we see that it may be futile...as you smile evilly...

As if to say 'I eat torture for breakfast.'

(Side text- This is really bad!!)

GINTAMA
Lesson 252: Use the ol' bait and switch method.
SORACHI HIDEAKI

(TN- It actually says use the 'carrot and stick' method as the title. It's literally where a farmer would put a carrot in front of the donkey to get it to move. Thooough this fits a little bit better in context.)

Hijikata: Looks like the higher ups have sent more of their garbage this way...

Kondo: I've got information that there's going to be some large scale terrorist activity.

It's pretty obvious that Kouhee knows something, so we've got to get it out of him.

Hijikata: So it's up to us to open his mouth and get him talking?

Kondo: Seems like that's the case.

003

Okita: If you ask me, I think we'd be wasting our time with torture...

This guy totally looks like he's a sadist.

He's in a really bad situation, but his expression doesn't show it.

He doesn't even seem to be thinking of how to escape or pleading for his life...he's making a 'this is gonna be fun!' expression.

Yamazaki: You think that he's been trained to take torture by the patriots?

I know those guys find glory in their pain...he looks like he's been whipped and such all over, but he's still grinning away.

I doubt he'd really care if we cut off an arm or leg....

Kondo: Yeah, I don't think that inflicting pain is going to get us anything useful.

Well I guess that's why they brought him here, since they couldn't think of anything to do with him at the HQ.

What do you think we should do Toshi?

Hijikata: If it doesn't do any good to beat this guy down, then we only have one option...

We're going to have to use the bait and switch method on this guy to make him want to talk.

We'll make him think we're his buddies, so he'll lower his guard.

004

Yamazaki: Wait so you want us to become like school mates to this guy? How's that even possible? He looks like the sort that you don't talk to all the way up till graduation...maybe not even after that.

Besides, do we even know if a murderer like him even wants friends, other than to you know...kill them?

Kondo: It's fine. I'm sure that there are lots of people like him that you meet before graduation, but once you talk to them they're actually pretty nice.

Yamazaki: No, it's not okay. More like why are we talking about graduation again?
Okita: Hijikata-san, here's your chance. Go be his buddy.

I know that during your third year in school all of your buddies left you alone, so you just sat at your desk depressed.

Hijikata: Quit making me sound like some emo headcase.

Okita: Now now, lets not get embarrassed. You were pretty sad about how your body wasn't developing as fast as the other guys, and it put a lot of tension on you.

So you'd often think to yourself. 'Are those guys wearing underwear'? And try to be one of them.

Hijikata: Who the hell cares about underwear?

Kondo: Good luck Toshi! We'll be rooting for you!!

Okita: Take the underwear off your heart Toshi!

Hijikata: What have I told you about pushing your problems onto other people you two?

Yamazaki, get in there.

Yamazaki: Whaat?!

Hijikata: You had underwear problems too right? Go ahead.

Yamazaki: But I always wear boxers!

Hijikata: Shut your mouth. Go in there and act like you wear underwear then. Once you two are friends you won't even need that as a cover anymore.

Yamazaki: How do I even know if he likes underwear?!

Hijikata: Go in there and strike up a conversation about it, and you'll know.

(Sfx-Dokaaa kick)

005

(Sfx- Patan click)

{S---}

{So SCARRRRRRY!!!}

{He's even more crazy looking up close!! Where's the window?! I wanna jump out of the nearest window!!!}

Hijikata: Use the Bait and switch.
Start out gentle as a leaf, then get as tough as a tree.

It's the basis of being tsundere, and they always get what they want.

(TN- If you don't know what a tsundere is, go wiki it.)

{I...I gotta keep calm! This guy can't move since his arms and legs are binded up right?}

(Sfx- Gohon Cough)

{So in theory there should be no way for him to be able to hurt me. There's nothing to be afraid of!}

{First I should open things up.}

{I have to make him forget that I'm a civil servant, and make him believe I'm his friend. Return his smile with one of my own!}

006

Yamazaki: START TALKING BALDY!!!

HOW 'THA HELL LONG ARE YOU GONNA SIT THERE AND KEEP SMILING DUMBASS?!

YOU'D BETTER NOT MESS WITH LAW ENFORCEMENT!!

I'M BUSY TOO YOU KNOW!! I HAVE TO TAKE MY PICTURE FOR THE NEW GINTAMA CHARACTER BOOK COMING OUT SOON, AND MAKE AN APPERANCE FOR THE GINPACHI SENSEI NOVEL!!

(TN- Fourth wall....broken.)

Yamazaki: DO YOU THINK I FEEL LIKE MESSING AROUND WITH A GUEST CHARACTER?!

IF YOU GET IT START TALKING!!! MY SCHEDULE IS VERY BUSY, AND I'M NOT GOING TO LOSE THE CHANCE TO GET NOTICED BECAUSE I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU!!

Hijikata: And what the hell is he talking about?

Yamazaki: YOU KNOW I'M JUST LIKE RYU! FROM NUMBER 3! AND I'M MISSING DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION BECAUSE I HAD TO GO TO WORK!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT PISSES ME OFF?! TO MISS THE MOVIE BECAUSE I'M HERE WITH YOUR UGLY ASS?!

Hijikata: He's slowly turning this into a complaint center isn't he?

Yamazaki: GODDAMMIT!! I'm missing out on my chance to get Akimoto-sensei's autograph!! I've always loved Kochi-kame!! Why didn't I request today off?!

(TN- Akimoto-sensei's manga 'Kochi-kame' has been running in Jump for more than 30 years now.)
Hijikata: You know, he's no longer treating this guy like a criminal, but more like an extension of himself.

(Sfx-gatan thunk)

Yamazaki: Grr, I saw Passion contentent...why can't I be more like the people there? They're all watching me...If I can't get you to talk they'll laugh and say I'm useless....Maybe I am useless! I don't deserve to be called human!!

Hijikata: Well....no that's beside the point. Now knock it off....you're not at church in a confessional.

(Sfx- Terere tererere)

{This is....}

(Sfx- Te tererere)

{Passion Contentent's theme song! Haga Setarou's part!}

007

(Sfx- Te tere terere)

Yamazaki: You...

Kouhee: Yeah you sure are useless.

Yamazaki: What'd you say?!

Kouhee: You're never late for work,

Yet you get all the menial tasks like this one...

You have to bend your knee to those guys out there...

I have no interest in your petty life struggles, just giving some advice.

Seems like you need to take aim and get some structure in your life.

If you have free time to watch trash TV and pursue other frivolous ventures, try to improve yourself and climb that mountain of yourself.

Do you think Akimoto has been drawing that same manga for 30 years. This is possible because he has a strong sense of self.

He was able to climb over his mountain for the past three decades.

At first his steps were slow and unsteady like a turtle's

But he didn't give up when it looked impossible...he continued to evolve and persevere. Sometimes he fell on the wayside, but he continued.

If you took your own pursuits half as seriously I believe that you may very well be able to accomplish whatever you want. To see the scenery at the top of your own mountain.

008

Yamazaki: Thank you...I'm sorry for being rude.

Hijikata: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

INSTEAD OF USING THE BAIT AND SWITCH ON HIM, HE USED IT ON YOU!!!

(Sfx- Bogo bogo smack smack)

Hijikata: Doon't you realize instead of getting him to spill his secrets, that you've told a criminal all of your problems?!

Yamazaki: But he makes some sense you know...and he promised to burn the whole Passion Contenent series on DVD for me.

Hijikata: Is that the only thing running trough your head?!

Okita: Hey Yamazaki, let me get those DVD's when you're done.

Yamazaki: You know I used to always get upset when Akimoto sensei would take a break for the week, it would always be for 'gathering information' But now I understand that to be in the business that long, you sometimes have to take time off for yourself. I too need time off to find that 'rare card'...

Hijikata: ARE YOU AN IDIOT?! OF course Akimoto sensei would need to take a break once in a while! But it doesn't look professional to say 'No manga this week because I don't feel like it' so he would write something like 'information gathering' to make it look more professional!

Did that criminal's' sermon really click with you that much?!

Whatever he is, it seems like his bark is far far worse than his bite! I can't believe you'd fall for that!

Kondo: I figured normal methods wouldn't be enough to reach that guy....

I'll go next.

At least I'm used to using this method on criminals...you just have to be more detective like.

I'm part of the Gorilla investigation unit you know. And without fail I will catch that guy in his lies and bring him to justice.

(Background Gorilla Investigation Unit -Passionate group-)

009

Kondo: No need to worry sir, I'll get your girls and bring them home safely.

Hijikata: What girls are you talking about?

Kondo: It's something Officer Caine would say. I've been watching---er studying his actions to understand how to investigate better.

(TN- ….Horatio Caine? If Sorachi watches CSI Miami....permission to freak out....)

Okita: Where do you think you're going Caine Cosgi?

(TN- Nevermind.)

(Sfx- Don)

Kondo: We normally don't have this kind of stuff in prison...

But let's make an exception today.

Please eat as much as you like.

It's Gori-san's special katsudon.

Yamazaki: He's using the Katsudon as an item in his interrogation?

(Sfx- Guchu squiish)

(Handwritten- Eat up!)

Yamazaki: Is that what he calls kindness? It looks more like he's resulting to torture too.

Kondo: To be honest, I agree with what you did...I mean I have a son about your age...

Hijikata: What? The Gorilla detective has a son too? Is he just making this up as he goes along?

Kondo: Listen, you don't want your son to see you like this do you? I've seen enough American cation flicks to know your reasonings for acting so hasty.

Hijikata: He's really going to imitate Caine for this isn't he?!

Kondo: But it only takes an hour for a kid like that to go bad. Night after night he'll try to train himself. To be come more like Sasuke. But he'll only develop musles that'll lead him further down the dark path.

Hijikata: That is dangerous! But what are you talking about?!

Kondo: Shitsufushi and Shouei He'll keep tryiing to train his mustles like a horse, stealing into the night, his leg strength building....
Hijikata: How the hell do you steal muscles?! What situation is this?!

010

Kondo: Until finally your wife's muscles collapse from the worry.

Hijikata: Listen I don't even understand what's going on anymore. Please drop the whole Caine act.

Kondo: His muscles the reason for his mother's critical condition, he'll have no choice,

He'll come looking for his father to help him....just to find that he's already in prison.

Hijikata: Why the hell does Caine suddenly have a previous conviction?!

Kondo: Since he got his muscles illegally, he'll have no choice but to dance in his room secretly, so that he can cultivate the Ikeya.

Hijikata: I'm asking you WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!

Kondo: While the younger Ikeya manages to keep out of prison, his older brother isn't so lucky.

Hijikata: That just sounds wrong!!

Kondo: I was angry, and disappointed in their choices.

After their parents had died, why would they continue to choose the path of the muscle? I soon cut off communication with them.

But most of all he was disappointed in how he had treated his mother...my wife.

He couldn't run though...

Because deep down he was a good kid.

Who just wanted this world to praise him since his parents could not. He felt obligated to his path.

011

Kondo: I never thought since that kid was born that I'd have to use my full strength to smack him one, but I had to show him the right way.

He won't last a minute in this world on his own unless he truly has a desire to rehabilitate himself. I love the kid to death, so I just wanted to see him change.

Once the kid is born he becomes the parents responsibility.

Whether you love or hate him, you've got to take care of him.

Every month I'd repeat this over and over, hoping that I could save him.
For both me and my wife's sakes I had to put him first.

I guess what I'm trying to say is while you've committed many crimes, I know you've still got a heart.

Parent to parent, lets try to put the past behind us and do something for the greater good now.

I know you're shouldering a burden with that information you've got for the patriots...

But if you tell me what you know, I can help you with that load, and make it manageable.

Y...You...

Kouhee: I'll tell you everything then....

012

Hijikata: No—No way...

So that killer....actually responded to that story...?

Kouhee: BLOOOORGHHHH

(Sfx- Bishaaaaa splissssh)

Hijikata: HE THREW UP SOMETHING ELSE!!

Kondo: WHY THE HELLLL WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

(Sfx- Fan fuan fua Blow blow)

(Sfx- Yoro wobble)

(Sfx- furarara fwipip)

Hijikata: Why the heck do you have Gpan laundry soap in a interrogation room? Do detectives really carry that stuff around?

Is he humming the 'Bark at the sun' theme song as he cleans up his shirt? Why is he doing that?

(TN- Bark at the Sun is a Japanese drama)

Kouhee: Sorry, I think that Katsudon is bad....

Kondou: wait a second! This hasn't gone bad...

I just made it...it should be good for another three days at least...there's no way it's rotten.

Hijikata: No, it's not the katsudon that's rotten...it's your head.

Kouhee: And you went through all of that trouble to fix it for me...here at least let me eat the rest.

Just set the bowel down there again and I'll finish it up.

Kondo: What the hell?! No way! You're trying to fool me! There's no way I'll give in to a murderer's demands!

Hijikata: It seems that your little scheme is falling apart little by little.

013

Kouhee: Don't worry about it sir. I'm sure that one day your son will see the light and come back. As his father you must wait patiently, for it's the responsibility of a parent to patiently wait for their child even as they walk down the wrong path.

If you need it, I'll be your friend and support.

(Sfx- Zukuuun doooof)

(Sfx- Dogaaaa thuuud)

Okita: Gori-saaaaan!!

Hey Gori-san! Hang in there!

(Sfx- Furan fu fu raaaaan humming)

Kondo: I've been totally defeated....

That guy's good, he got me to lower my guard, and then gave me my own bait to choke on...friends, believe me...he isn't someone you can take lightly...

He's not someone I could take a shot at...

He's a horrible murderer...please take care to remember me...

Detective Mayo, Detective Sadist...I leave it to...

Okita: GORI-SAAAAN!!

Hijikata: So instead of breaking him down, Kondo-san's the one who got broken...

He's a clever one, that murderer.

014

Okita: Hijikata-san, it doesn't seem like using the bait and switch on that guy's going to work.

The problem here Hijikata-san is that we're assuming that he is a truly evil man inside and out. However what it seems to be is that he's killing us with kindness.

We're ready to beat him down using the bait and switch, but before we can lift a finger, he's already 'gentled' us into defeat. This guy's a classic case of the 'gap rule'.

(Text- Using the same words, but with different effects....such is the gap)

Okita: Because he acts kinder than what we were expecting, we lower our guards before we can get any information out of him.

Hijikata: Why does your diagram suck so bad?

Okita: However we're presented with a man who fits the description of 'evil psycho murderer' But talks more like 'nice guy'. We've been defeated by the gap between what he looks like and how he behaves even before we can set up the bait and switch.

If we want to get anywhere with him, we'll need to abandon any thinking that he's a person at all, and act like we're hitting something inanimate.

Once we get over what we initially think, there will be no way that his kind words will affect us.

We'll be able to attack him from any angle, as long as we don't treat him like a human being.

Hijikata: So in brief, you think we should take the 'bait' out of the bait and switch?

Okita: In order for us to get any where, we'll need to take the bait from him and put it elsewhere.

Hijikata: Is that even possible?

Okita: If we act alone it is...but....

{That's it!}

015

(Sfx- Hiuuuu fwissh)

Okita: ORAAAGH!!!

(Sfx- Dooon BAM!)

Okita: Play time is over! Now it's time to give you the third degree baldy!!

{This idiot thinks nothing of trying to kill his superiors!}

{This is a true sadist!!}

{And....}

Hijikata: Are you okay....?!

I sure hope you haven't been hurt!!!

{The superior who's used to dealing with a problem causing subordinate!}

{We're the masters of this situational flow!}

016

{If the two of us work together,}

{Then the old bait and switch will be over with in an instant!}

{Now...}

{It's over..}

Kouhee: Excuse me....

But what are you two doing?

{Wha....}

{Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!}

{The bait and switch didn't work on him...?!}

{But we did it perfectly just now!!!}

Kouhee: Are you going to be okay?

017

(Sfx- Suto clatter)

Kouhee: Speaking of that chair....

I thought you guys would be lonely if I moved, so I didn't request it....looks like I was wrong?

(Sfx- Doooou fwoooosh)

{A killer being lonelyyyyyy?!}

{This bastaaaaaaaard!! This whole time we've been trying to bait and switch him, he's been thinking about how we feel?! I can't take this!!}

Okita: Hijikata-san, it appears I was wrong about him....!

It appears we were right about him from the very beginning! Think back!!

This guy's no more than a machoist isn't he?!

So the normal bait and switch methods won't work on him at all!

Hijikata: That's right! He had no problem taking pain so he wouldn't need the bait!

So he's been using the bait and switch on us this whole time!!

{We've had it all backwards!!}

{If we had used the method the other way around, we would have reached him!!}

{But wait! We tried something like that before, and it didn't do any good! He has no interest in the bait!}

{So in brief we have to find a way to make him want to take our bait!}

{But what could possibly make him want that...?}

{There's got to be something we can hit him with in one blow!}

{Damn! I don't know!}

Kondo: Shii....

018

Kondo: Toshi!!

(Sfx- Goooooooo fwoooooooosh)

Hijikata: You guys!!

The strength is returning....

That's right...there's only one thing that we're good at doing...only one method....

Even now in this situation, standing beside my comrades I can stand up against him!

{If it's all of us against him, we can pull it off!!}

{This is the ultimate bait!!}

All: Let's DO THIS!!!!

(Sfx- Kushiii Craaaash)

019

Glasses: Excuse me....

There's been a little mix up.

It seems like you didn't notice, I sure hope you didn't waste too much time.

Because you see that man there is not Tanaka Kouhee...we accidentally brought you the wrong man.

He's not Tanaka,

Nor is he a murderer.

He's just a shoplifter we arrested after some citizens called and made a complaint.

Unfortunately this man is simply a petty thief. We got him mixed up with the real Kouhee, who is in transit right now.

This guy was just taking stuff from a storefront window....Sorry for the mistake.

Just give us a little bit of time. The real Kouhee will be in your custody soon.

All: WHAT THE HELLLLLLL?!

(Sfx- Fua fa fan frara frarara....)

(Side text- Thats MY line!!)

GINTAMA LESSON 252.....................END.