Gintama 291

Sick BDR is Sick. I'm taking a Vacation.

....

For like two days. For pete's sake, why the hell do I kill myself like this?


Locked and loaded. Blame kewl for the epic edits, and remember to leave my translator spew on your scantlations.


Kagura: This will be round one,

Of the 'Santa Claus Decisive Choice Battle'!!

GINTAMA
SORACHI HIDEAKI.
Lesson 291: What Santa delivers is not limited to presents.

(Side text- Welcome, and Merry Christmas.)

Shinpachi: Um...Chistmas is already long over.

We're almost upon the new year now Kagura-chan.

(Side text- Jump Comics Volume 32 is now out in stores!!)

Kagura: All of you Santas listen up! This contest will decide which of you is the real one!

if you are Santa, it will be an easy victory and you'll splendidly overcome this verifying trial. The one who proves themselves will be given the title of real Santa by me.

Shinpachi: Kagura-chan, what's this about a Santa battle....

Kagura: It is obvious, yes? For the real Santa, delivering presents to children is everything.

(Bottom text- The movie tickets are now on advance sale!!)

002

Kagura: He is the one who hears the wishes of children,

And brings the presents that makes those wishes come true.

This is the job of Santa. He is the one who grants the dreams and wishes of children.

Shinpachi: That's great and all....but what we have gathered here is what makes up children's nightmares.

Kagura: I will now be playing the part of a little girl in a common situation found every Christmas. If you guys will make that little girl's dream come true then you're OK. You'll be judged based on if you can do that.

Kondo: Hold the phone. I really don't care about YOUR dreams coming true China-san.

Kyuubee: I'm sorry to say that I agree. There is only one person's Christmas wish I want to grant, and that's Tae-chan's.

Sacchan: I feel the same way. I didn't come out here to impress a brat.

I'm here for Gin-san! So please bring him out. My present is perishable and it must be delivered to him before it goes rotten.

(Sfx- Pan smack!)

Kagura: You are already rotten, Nattou Santa!!

Sacchan: Ugh!!

Kagura: What kind of Santa cannot make the wishes of Children come true?

Listen. The basis of being Santa is making Children happy. If you take that away from him, then he is no more than a trespassing lolicon geezer.

Shinpachi: Do you realize what you're saying?! You want presents, but you're accusing him of a crime!

Kagura: One of you has to prove you are the real Santa,

Or you will go home with reindeer named 'police' in a sleigh known as a 'squad car.'

Sacchan: That's lowdown!

(Handwritten- But I AM the police...)

003

Umibozu: You guys lacking in self confidence can go home.

There's no need for you to be here.

Because,

There's no other Santa than me.

{The others here aren't worth the concern...}

{The main issue is that Santa....}

{I didn't come here to be upstaged by him...}

{I'll kick the Real Santa's ass...}

{And then....}

{Rise to become the Santa King!}

Kagura: Now you will approach one by one.

The field has been decided.

Kondo: That would be me.

If a contest stands between me and being Otae-san's Santa, then I'll win using everything I've got.

Kagura: Okay. Boss Lady will play the mother. We will use the popular family at Christmas scenario.

Hasegawa: Okay, then I'll be the Dad. Heh...this is a little embarrassing though.

Shinpachi: NO way. Absolutely not! I'm never going to allow my sister to be Hasegawa-san's wife!!

Kondo(?): Fine. I'll do it.

Kyuubee: No, Let me.

Shinpachi: You guys are supposed to be Santa!

Wait, what am I supposed to do? Am I the big brother? A family friend?

004

???: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, the bells are ringing~

Kagura: I'm doone~

Mama! The Christmas tree is all decorated now!!

Tae: Oh! Isn't it wonderful! I thought this tree would be useless, but you managed to clean it up really nicely!

Kagura: Yeah! The tree is what makes the mood!

{In a country far away, a happy family lives peacefully.}

Shinpachi: HOW WOULD THIS FAMILY EXIST?! WHO USES A HUMAN AS THEIR CHRISTMAS TREE?! MORE LIKE, WHY ARE YOU USING GLASSES AS DECORATIONS?!

{This year is just another in a long tradition of peaceful and happy Christmas celebrations.}

Shinpachi: CAN YOU HONESTLY SAY THAT WHEN YOU SEE MY POSITION?! IT'S PISSING ME OFF DAMMIT!! IF I COULD MOVE.....OH IF ONLY I COULD MOOOVE!!

{Who knew that tonight would be the night where miracles would be born...}

Kagura: Mama,

I'm sure that this will be the year that Santa-san will come to see us! I've been a good girl and everything!

005

Tae: I'm not so sure about that....after all he's more the type to eat his meat pie in secret and then run away rather than attend a party.

Kagura: Aww, Mama...

Tae: Teeheee I'm just Joking. Santa's a secretive one.

Shinpachi: This American styled play is getting on my nerves. Just go to bed already so Santa will come, and I can rest my feet!

Hasegawa: Haha, don't kid yourself. Mama's meat pie is the only one like it in all of Texas.

Shinpachi: Are we in Texas?!

Hasegawa: I'm sure Santa really wants to eat it too. Oh... but if he gets any fatter it'll be really hard on the reindeer.

Shinpachi: Shut up pops. No one in this family needs your rapier wit.

Kagura: Oh my mama! There's a cockroach eating your meat pie!

Tae: Oh dear!

Shinpachi: He's a cockroach?!

What kind of wry humor is that?! A roach? Where's the Dad in this scenario?!

Tae: This one was probably their leader. The rest should follow suit soon then!

Shinpachi:Instead of being the head of the house, he's head of the pests?! Then what's he performing for? More like, where IS the dad then?

Tae: Let's put this pie in front of Papa's mortuary tablet.

Shinpachi: WHY IS THERE A BUDDHIST ALTER IN TEXAS!?

Kagura: Papa sure liked meat pie, huh? I'm sure it'll make him happy.

Shinpachi: IT WILL NOT! IT'S NOT SO MUCH A MEAT PIE AS A COCKROACH PIE, AIN'T IT, THAT THING!?

{My Daddy was a Petsam war hero.}

(TN- *Shrug*)

{5 years ago, he promised to return from the war zone with a present for me, but unfortunately he died while on duty, and wasn't able to keep his promise.}

Shinpachi: ...Hey, why is this being forced into a really serious story?

006

{It may have dropped out of his back during an enemy skirmish, and realizing this he must have braved exploding bombs to go back and get it.}

{But then he got caught in a Hornet's nest.}

{When they found Papa's body, they could barely recognize him...}

{For he was smeared with Pies...}

Shinpachi: SO WAS THIS SOME KIND OF GAG REEL OR SOMETHING?!

Why pies?! In fact what kind of hero would die after taking pies to the face anyway?!

{When they hoisted the pies off of Papa, they found him clutching something precious.}

{And that was the present he had promised me.}

{A meat pie.}

Shinpachi: ANOTHER PIEEEEE?!?

THIS MUST HAVE BEEN ONE HELL OF A MEAT PIE FOR HIM TO BE KILLED BY OTHER PIES JUST TO SAVE IT!!! JUST WHAT KIND OF FAMILY IS THIS?!

ALL RIGHT ALREADY! IF YOU THOUGHT THIS WOULD HAVE A SAPPY AMERICAN FEEL IF IT JUST HAD MEAT PIE THEN YOU WERE DEAD WRONG!

{I finally got the gift he was saving me 5 years later....}

{But that meat pie wasn't something I could eat.}

Shinpachi: OF COURSE NOT!! IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING FROM THE DEEP SEA OF NAUSICA NOW!

(TN- Sorachi loves him some Miyazaki references doesn't he?)

{I blamed myself for Papa's death, and mourned losing him.}

{I couldn't dig into a pie that my father had sacrificed so much to give me...}

{So instead, I kept it letting many Christmases go by without touching it once.}

007

{I already knew the truth.}

{Even if Santa were to come....}

{There was no way for him to bring what I truly wanted.}

Shinpachi: THIS IS SO DEPRESSING!!!

What can Santa possibly do here?!

What present can he bring to fix this situation?!

{The next morning...}

{When the young lady opened her eyes, she found....}

{No present from Santa...}

{Nor from her mother...}

{Someone had mercilessly devoured,}

{Her father's Meat pie memento.}

008

Tae: Oh my God! This has to be the work of a thief!!

Far from being Santa, a thief entered our home!

{And looking upon her mother's face...}

{She realized that this had become the worst morning on the worst Christmas ever.}

{Yet she remained strangely....calm.}

{As if the chains of a heavy weight had been lifted from her small shoulders.}

{It felt as if her father had forgiven her.}

{Now she could move forward, without feeling as if she had left her father behind.}

{God had taken the Meat pie because I couldn't.}

{She went to the bathroom with a smile, imagining that God's stomach must have been broken by the deed.}

{But this wasn't an act of God at all...}

{Nor was it the malicious work of a thief.}

(In toilet- Merry Christmas.)

{Sa----San---ta----sa....}

009

Shinpachi: THE HELL WAS THAT?!

YOU CALL THAT A PRESENT?!?

What kind of dream world do you live in?! Do you think people can eat food and crap out messages?!

Kondo: Ngh, I was just trying to be the release for her pain and sadness!! How can you not understand that?!

Shinpachi: YOU JUST WANT TO RELEASE SOMETHING IN THE JOHN DON'T YOU?!

Kondo: That's how Cats Eye works you know? They break in, and get out....the only proof of them being there is a little calling card...

(Sfx- Gessori squeeem)

Shinpachi: No way. The only thing you left there is a Shitzu, not a Cat.

(TN- First off, Cat's Eye is a manga about three female thieves. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cat%27s_Eye_(manga) Second of all, (and you guys should remember this from the last arc.), Shinpachi makes a joke about 'Cats Eye' and 'Ass eye' or 'Kettsu Eye'. Cats and Ketsu (ass) are said the same way. Once again I had to rape the joke to make it work, so forgive me Kewl.)

Kondo: How'd I do Judgment panel? I really pulled one out of my ass so to speak, don't you think?

6 points, 30 points....and...Die? Otae-san, what's that supposed to mean? Are you saying you want to hold on to me until I die? Is that it? That is it! Right?

(Tae's sign- Die.)

Shinpachi: Uh, why'd you rate it so high Kagura-chan? That score is really unexpected...

Kagura: I like the Heroine. She is full of light. I want to see more of her and less of the others.

Shinpachi: SO IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU THEN!!

And you Hasegawa-san, this is out of 10....so why did you give it a 30?

Hasegawa: If you spot one Cockroach, there are usually 30 more hiding somewhere.

Shinpachi: WHAT'S WITH THAT WARNING?! PLEASE TELL ME THERE AREN'T 30 MORE OF YOU SOMEWHERE OUT THERE!!

Kagura: That is all for him. Now it is who's turn....?

Kyuubee: I'll go. Let me show you just what kind of strength the true Santa has.

Kagura: It is good. One more time I will require standby characters.

Shinpachi: Kagura-chan, is it too much to ask for a normal role this time around?

010

Kagura: Would you like a Pachi?

I've only got this one, but he's really good! Does anyone need a Pachi?

{I live in a city far far away, and work as a Pachi selling sales girl.}

Shinpachi: AND WHAT EXACTLY IS A PACHI SELLING SALES GIRL?! NO PLACE WOULD NEED SOMETHING LIKE THAT!

{{It is Christmas Eve, and the people of the city are all dressed up and on their way to enjoy themselves...}

{But as usual, I'm suck here selling Pachi...for If I don't, I won't be able to survive.}

Shinpachi: WHAT IS A PACHI!?! MORE LIKE MY ROLE HASN'T CHANGED ONE DAMN BIT!!

Kagura: Would you like a Pachi....

???: No.

Kagura: A Pachi for...

???: What use would something like that be?

{I figured I wouldn't be able to sell a Pachi today, either...}

Shinpachi: THIS IS TOO WEIRD AND DEPRESSING DAMMIT!! HOW WERE YOU ABLE TO SELL THE OTHERS?! WHO WOULD BUY SOMETHING WHEN THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS?!

MORE LIKE WEREN'T ALL OF THE TOWNSPEOPLE MY SISTER?!

011

Kagura: If I cannot do this, I won't be able to go home..

My house is still....still....

Hasegawa: You'd better sell ALL of the Pachi or forget about coming back here!!

Now get out there and make some more booze money on the double!! You worthless sack of crap!!

(Sfx- Hikku hic)

Shinpachi: Oh I see, he's the good for nothing father type in this story....no wonder she can't go home...

Kagura: Still filled with all kinds of cockroaches!! I can't go back there!!!

(Sfx- Paaan Twok)

Shinpachi: HE'S A COCKROACH!!!!

Here I was thinking his character had finally taken a change for the better but he's still just a lowly cockroach again!!

{As the night draws closer, my body grows weary, and the winds begin to pick up...}

Kagura: So cold...

{My body is freezing, though I desperately try to make my body sell the Patchi. But my body already won't listen to what I tell it to do.}

Shinpachi: AND HOW DO YOU THINK THE HALF NAKED PACHI FEELS IN THIS WEATHER?!

{I began to console myself with the Pachi when my consciousness began to fade....using it as warmth.}

{Having to use my product myself, I've just become nothing more than a thief.}

{At least today... God has forgiven me...}

{With a Christmas present from me... to myself......}

Shinpachi: So the Pachi was something used to keep warm?

Uh, okay. If you're that cold then go ahead and use me. What? What should I do?

012

Kagura: NRAHHH!!!

(Sfx- Dogoooo thuuuud)

Shinpachi: You're just using me as a punching bag aren't you?

(Sfx- Atatatatata thumpthumpthump)

(Sfx- Dodododododo grnnnnd)

(Sfx- Kudaaaeee grooooond)

{Using the Pachi...... my body has gotten warm.}

Shinpachi: YOU'RE JUST MOVING YOUR BODY!!

{For some reason, beating the snot out of him refreshes my body and mind.}

Shinpachi: WHY IS DOING SOMETHING SO COLD-HEARTED WARMING YOU UP!?

{And then a wondrous phenomenon occurred.}

{All kinds of Christmas colors flowed out of Pachi's body, as I used him like a Christmas table.}

{I'm not sure what kind of specter this was, but it brought me a little bit of happiness, so I continued using Pachi.}

Shinpachi: UuuugH!!

(Sfx- Pichaa pichaa splat splat)

{More and more spirits fell from Pachi, but unfortunately none of the pudding or onion that I was hoping for.}

Shinpachi: YOU'RE JUST CAUSING ME TO THROW UP!!!

(Sfx- Picha picha blooosh brlooorshi)

Kagura: Sweet bean cake, Sweet bean cake sweet been....

Shinpachi: Imagine it all you want, but this is still just barf, and nothing else!

(Sfx- pich piaha piha Bloors blloop blop)

{But when my hands stopped, the spirits stopped appearing as well.}

{Though I had decided to only use one, at some point I started sparing two and then three.}

Shinpachi: CAN YOU CALL THIS SPARRING WHEN THE OTHER PERSON IS DOING ALL OF THE WORK?!

013

{My strength had overcome the limits of my consciousness...}

{And I had finally stopped thinking so much about Christmas parties.}

Shinpachi: PACHI'S GOING TO DIE ALONG WITH THE SALES GIRL AT THIS RATE!!!

IT'S THE SAME PATTERN AS THE MATCH SELLING GIRL!! THE MATCHES ALL BURNED OUT AND THE GIRL DIEEEES!!!

SANTA-SAAAAAN, I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE GIRL BUT THE PACHI, AT LEAST SAVE ME, THE PACHI!!

I'M BEGGIN YA SANTA-SAAAAAN!!!

Kyuubee: So anything can come out?

(Sfx- Dogo dogo thump thump)

Kagura: Huh?

Kyuubee: If you wish it,

Anything can come out of you?

Then I want Tae-chan to appear!!

(Sfx- Batsuuu fwasssh)

Shinpachi: Huh?

014

{The next morning...}

{The people of the city woke up to find....}

{The Pachi had burned to ash...}

{And the streets were covered with barf.}

{Yet the two smiled happily...}

{Two boxers corpses covered by pure white ash....}

Shinpachi: WHY'D SANTA JOIN INNNNN?!

(Sfx- Dogooooo thuuuud)

Shinpachi: AND HOW IS THAT HELPING DREAMS COME TRUE SANTA?! YOU DIDN'T HELP ANYONE!!

Kyuubee: It wasn't much, but I was able to meet that girl to save her final wish.

Shinpachi: LIKE HELL!! WHY WERE YOU TRYING TO MAKE SISTER COME OUT OF MY MOUTH!?

Kyuubee: I suppose it's true that I didn't give out any presents, but didn't I protect the girl's dream right to the end?

What do you think, judges?

015

(Sfx- Zatsu swif)

Shinpachi: HEEEYYY!! WHEN DID THIS BECOME STAR SEARCH?!

(Signs- Watanabe Enta, 3000, and Poriporo)

(TN- Tae's sign I have no idea about. I keep coming up with Polypropylene....which seems to have no bearing on the situation at hand. Meanwhile Kagura's sign Watanabe Enta, Is short for Watanabe Entertainment. A company that organizes TV and radio programming and managing both local and foreign entertainers.)

Tae: I really enjoyed the synergy between the main characters!

Especially the one girl with the pony tail.

Shinpachi: You have NO interest in Santa at all do you?! You're not supposed to be looking at yourself and how well your hair is done!!

And YOU! Can't you count up to ten?! Why the hell are your ratings so much higher than they should be?!

Hasegawa: Well, when Hara Taira-san sees one, you gotta put in for 3000 points.

(TN- Hara Taira is a Mangaka and celebrity. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taira_Hara.)

Shinpachi: WHY ARE YOU GIVING US SUCH OMINOUS WARNINGS?! SOMETHING LIKE THAT WILL NEVER EVER HAPPEN!!

Sacchan: This sure is a sad scene, isn't it?

Everyone's become all screwed up now.

How about I go next?

I'll show you an angle that you haven't seen before.

Though I have to make one request.

Kagura: What is it?

Sacchan: I want to bring a present to that bespectacled kid there. How's that sound?

Shinpachi: Wha?

Sacchan: Although he says he's not a kid, he sort of is....so it shouldn't matter if I give him a present should it? I mean, it doesn't matter much to me.

Kagura: …..I suppose not.

Go ahead and give Shinpachi a gift.

Sacchan: Again, it doesn't matter much to me.

Now, pay attention everyone, I'm about to start.

016

{The citizens had all lapsed into Christmas mode.}

{Everyone was flitting about, excited about the season...}

{But the scenery in my world hadn't changed at all.}

{A while ago, I might have been more positive and in the mood to be festive, but I had changed along with the times.}

{It's just not like me to get all excited without having a good reason to do so.}

{So December 24th,}

{Was an exceedingly boring day just like all the others before it.}

(Sfx- Gyaaaaa)

{Or so it was at first...}

(Sfx- Gyaaaaaaah}

(Sfx- DOOOOOON THOOOM)

Shinpachi: Uwahhhh!!!

017

Sacchan: It looks like the Reindeer were a bit off when they flew by....

Merry Christmas, Master!

Shinpachi: DEJA FRICKIN' VUUUU!!! THIS IS HOW EVERY SINGLE LOVE COMEDY BEGINS DAMMIT!!

{1.2 Sacchan {Heart})

(TN- I suppose in Japanese since 1, 2, 3 is Ichi, Ni, San, This would be read as Ichi Ni Saachan. Though After receiving word from kewl, it's actually a pun off of a love comedy called Ichi, Ni, Sanshirou.)

Sacchan: Greetings Master, I am the glasses ninja model Santa robo. 'Sacchan' for short.

I've come to grant you, a teenage boy who has only had girls in his dreams, true happiness.

Now Shinpachi-kun, Just what do you want Sacchan to do? Whatever it is you desire, I am here to grant it.

Would you like to start with a whipping? Or just a regular lashing? Or perhaps just a gentle but firm spanking, Or maybe something hard....you'd like that wouldn't you...

018


Tae: OR HOW ABOUT AN ASS KICKING?!

(Sfx- Dogooo THOWK)

Tae: What the hell do you think you're doing, suddenly showing up in Shin-chan's room?!

Do you have no damn shame?! Quit trying to make a boy just discovering puberty grow up to quickly for comfort!! You damn nympho!!

I'll never allow you to pollute my little brother!!

Sacchan: I see, you must be Shinpachi-kun's Sister in law Otae-san. You've got guts accusing me of lewd acts, when you just want him to yourself don't you? You looove those warm baths with him, don't you, degenerate hussy?

Tae: LIKE HELL! DON'T YOU KNOW I'M HIS ACTUAL SISTER!

Sacchan: That's nice. But I won't allow you to get in our way. We've got no time to lose you know.

Tae: You little wench! Why not shack up with your silver haired loser and leave my pure little Brother alone?!

Sacchan: I know not of this silver haired loser you speak of. The only thing I want is to taste his bitter tears as I mistreat him!!

(Sfx- Bishiii whaaap)

Sacchan: Santa will whip that greenhorn's ass until it's bright red!

Shinpachi: Ow!!

Tae: YOU WEEENCH!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

(Sfx- Gabaaaa blloorsh)

Sacchan: What's this?! Otae-san, why is your little brother's room so sticky?!

Tae: I don't know! Why's Shin-chan's room like this?!

Shinpachi: QUIT SAYING NASTY THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE OUT LOUD!!

019

(On box- Super Strong Cockiller Omega)

{And so...}

{I eliminated the Cockroaches.}

Shinpachi: YOU JUST SHOEHORNED COCKROACHES IN YOUR STORY FOR NO REASOOOON!!!

{My name is Kagura and I'm a flowering high school student.}

{Although the world is making a big fuss over Christmas, I'm totally not interested in anything other than what's for lunch. In short, I'm your average, everyday go getter type of girl.}

Shinpachi: YOU'RE JUST GOING TO ACT LIKE THE FIRST PART OF THIS STORY DIDN'T HAPPEN?! WE'RE JUST GOING TO GO BACK TO NORMAL?!

{However, an accident would soon change everything...}

Kagura: Kyah....

{That's right...}

Kagura: Owie...

Gintoki: That hurt. Watch where you're walking.

{It all started when I met them...}

Shinpachi: YOU'RE JUST GOING TO FORCEFULLY INVOLVE THOSE GEEZERS?!

(Side text- The lovey dovey delusions are endless!!)

GINTAMA LESSON 291...................END.