Gintama 312

I hate you Sorachi. The end. (Although, it's thanks to this that I checked out more of Kimura Kaela's music.)

Hi wa mata noboru scans only.

(Side text- A voice from the darkness…)
(Sfx- Katsuuu *Sheeen*)
GINTAMA
(Bottom text- The movie’s stay in theaters has been extended!! Check out the movie’s homepage for more details!!)
{You, who have been chosen…}
{Must awaken.}
{The time has come to...}
{Unsheathe the power hidden within you.}
{Open those eyes with care…}
{And those closed doors of your limitations, as well...}
(Sfx- Mukuri *fwup*)
{Awaken…}

002
???: …..
Where are we?
Shinpachi: ‘Mornin, everyone. Er…what is this? Where is this?
Gintoki: Beats the hell out of me…why’d we wake up in a completely different place than where we went to sleep?
Kagura: A power out?
Shinpachi: Can’t be. I can clearly see you two, but nothing else.
Anyhow...... Haven't we been in a place a lot like this before?
Gintoki: The hell is this anyway? My head's killing me from a hangover.
Anyway, I’m going back to sleep.
{You can’t!!}
{Always going back to sleep when you wake up in the morning...
{This time, I can't let you.}
{I won’t let you escape from your fate this time.}
{The time has come for you to awaken. If this opportunity escapes, there will not be another!!}
(Sfx- Pishaaaaa *kraooom *)
{This time...}
{This time you will inherit it for certain.}
(Sfx- Gogogogogogogogo *rmmmmmmble*)

003
{My…}
{Secret technique!!}
(Side text- It’s been a while!!)
GINTAMA
Lesson 312: Difficult to command super secret techniques won’t work.
SORACHI HIDEAKI
(Forehead- Toyako)
Toyako: It has been a while…
Sakata Gintoki…
No... my master.
(Sfx- Pata pata *fwp fwp*)
Gintoki: Yo—
You’re…
Uh….
Listen, my bad... who are you aga-... No... Oh... OOh... It has been a while.

004
Gintoki: Crap…
I really don’t know who that guy is…
Shinpachi: Aren't you two are acquaintances, Gin-san?
(Sfx- Hiso hiso hiso *whisper whisper*)
Gintoki: It’s really sudden but….yeah I’m coming up with nothing. Do you know him?
Shinpachi: Can’t say I do. Kagura-chan, how about you?
Kagura: I know no one that wears full body tights.
Gintoki: Dummy, don’t say that out loud, he’s listening!
Shinpachi: Maybe if you heard his name, you'd remember?
Gintoki: I told you, there's no way we can do that. This guy's already gone full-swing with us knowing him by his face when he showed up. He's trying to act cool to a ridiculous degree.
The atmosphere is dead. All that’s left is looking embarrassed and hiding our red faces.
(Sfx- Hiso hiso *whisper whisper*)
Shinpachi: He’s making a ‘God-I-hate-them’ face. He’s turning completely red.
Gintoki: Umm…You’re Sawatari-san, right?
Shinpachi: No, I don’t think so. I get this ‘mysterious entity’ feeling when I look at him….
Gintoki: Once you've forgotten somebody's name they lose all sense of "mysteriousness". It's gotta be Sawatari-san. Hey... wait, who is Sawatari-san, anyway?
Kagura: I think I know. That Sawatari. He has appeared in Bleach, yes?
Gintoki: Dude, there’s no one as lame as this Sawatari in Bleach. Though..who is Sawatari?
(Sfx- Hiso hiso *whisper whisper*)
Shinpachi: Uh, he's been waiting around patiently, but it looks like his face has started to twitch...
Gintoki: Crap, all right, somebody has to remember this guy now. Who the hell is he!? Which Sawatari is he!?
Toyako: *Cough* *Cough* HERMIT *Cough* COUGH*
Shinpachi: He's causally coughing and slipping in hints!!
Toyako: *Cough* *Cough* I WAS HERE FOR THE *COUGH**COUGH* THIRD ANNIVERSARY *Cough*
Gintoki: Eh? What? Huh? Three year anniversary?
*Cough**Cough*COULD YOU *Cough**Cough*. REPEAT THAT, PLEASE? *Cough* *Cough*

005
Toyako: *Cough*Cough*Cough* THIRD YEAR ANNIVERSARY.*Cough**Cough*.
I'm the the Toyako Hermit *Cough**Cough**Cough*.
Gintoki: What…? *Cough**Cough* THOUSAND YEARS MAN? *Cough**Cough.*
(TN- Sennin can both mean ‘One thousand years’ and ‘Hermit’ depending on the kanji.)
Shinpachi: Can’t you guys talk normally?
Toyako: NO!! *Cough**Cough* A HERMIT!! *Cough* *HAAACK*
HOOORRK
(Sfx- Bicha bicha *blorshhhh*)
Gintoki: Oh! NOW I remember you!! Hermit!! The Touyako Hermit who showed up for the third anniversary, eh!?
…..
Hey, this is really bad, who the hell is the Touyako Hermit?
(Handwritten- Dunno.)
Toyako: IN THE END YOU REMEMBER NOOOOOOTHING!!!!
HOW CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER ME?! I’M TOYAKO!!! I TRIED TO TEACH YOU A HIDDEN MOVE FOR THE THIRD YEAR ANNIVERSERY!! THE HERMIT TOYAKO!!!
GintokI: Yeaaah, I guess that happened…or something.
Touyako: JUST HOW WEAK AN IMPRESSION DID I MAKE!? FROM MY PERSEPCTIVE I THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY DEEP!! THE KIND WHERE ONCE YOU SAW ME YOU WOULDN'T FORGET ME!!
Gintoki: I make it a habit to forget things that annoy me.
Shinpachi: ……Okay, what does a Hermit want with us?
Touyako: Isn't it obvious...?
this time I will teach you my secret technique without fail.
Last time, you refused my offer for the secret technique initiation, and I could only teach smaller techniques.

006
Toyako: You’ve managed to pass the six year point now, and have faced death plenty of times.
So now a secret technique is extremely important. You won’t get any further if you don’t know one.
Shinpachi: What exactly do you mean by "facing death"?
Toyako: The anime..
Has ended.
(Sfx- Gaguuun *droop*)
Shinpachi: WHAT THE HECK IS THIS HERMIT GOING ON ABOUT?!
Toyako: Don’t you get it?! You HAVE to learn a secret technique now!!
It doesn't really matter if you want to get stronger or not, think of the sales!!
Shinpachi: WHY WOULD A HERMIT BE WORRIED ABOUT THOSE THINGS?! ARE YOU RECCOMENDING A SECRET TECHNIQUE SOLELY TO BOOST SALES?!
Toyako: Don't you understand? I'll explain to you why a special technique is so important.
I'm sure you guys get it. The anime is the biggest means of media publicity for the manga.
However, in order for one to be made, a huge amount of money is needed...and that's where the sponsors come in.
Shinpachi: YOU’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT A SECRET TECHNIQUE AT ALL HERMIT!!
{If there’s money, there will be products.}
{And consequently, if there are products, that produces money.}
Toyako: The sponsors foot the large costs of making an anime…
And in turn, the sponsors use that anime as publicity for their own company, thus giving both a net gain. That's the master plan.
Shinpachi: WHY ARE YOU TELLING US A STORY OF CAPITALISM?! WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH A SECRET TECHNIQUE?!
007
Toyako: As long as there’s an anime, the sponsors and goods will continue to exist.
Which is to say, when the goods stop selling, they stop getting made and then there are no sponsors which makes it impossible to have an anime.
So then, during this important process of the creation of merchandise,
do you know what it is that turns the biggest profits of all?
It is…
VIDEO GAMES!!
SHINPACHI: WHY IS THIS HERMIT EVEN HERE?!
Toyako: Each game has a high price per unit, so in other words when they're sold the profits are also naturally larger.
And what game do we need? A fighter of course!!
Easily accessible fighters are excellent contents to steadily hammer out high sales.
Shinpachi: ARE YOU OPENLY ADMITTING THAT WE SHOULD GET A LAME FIGHTING GAME?! WON’T THAT PUT OUR SALES EVEN FURTHER INTO THE CRAPPER?!
Toyako: Fighting games have one important thing in common though,
And that’s the secret technique.
Back then you refused to learn it from me…
But without this technique, it’s impossible for you to be in a fighting game!
Your future relies on this!
A SPECIAL TECHNIQUE ISN'T SOMETHING TO USE ON ENEMIES...
IT'S SOMETHING YOU USE FOR SPONSORS!!
Shinpachi: You’re no hermit, just a secret agent for the sales department.

008
Toyako: It’s not too late to earn your secret technique and woo the sponsors.
You’ve seen plenty so far, and with the anime ending, you can be sure the manga doesn’t have much time left either.
Shinpachi: Are you trying to scare us now?!
Toyako: And once the movie ends, they’ll be coming for YOU next!
Gintoki: Hey now, maybe you need to take a chill pill. You’re not making any sense.
Besides, we haven’t even thought about having a secret move in 34 volumes. Isn’t this kind of late in the game to be worried about it?
Kagura: It is not just us. No one has a secret technique, so it is hard to imagine a game being created.
Toyako: I’ve already thought about that, and have it handled.
(Sfx- Pitsu *pin*)
Shinpachi: You have a monitor?
(Sfx- Zatsu zatsu zatsu zaaaaa *zzzzzzzzzzzzzzt*)
Toyako: This is Hermit Toyako, please respond.
(Sfx- Pitsu *pin*)
Toyako’s mom: Yes, this is Hermit Matamune.
Shinpachi: Hermit!? Another different hermit showed up!!
How many hermits are there!?
More like, she’s a woman with a beard!!
Toyako: How are things going there?
Matamune: So-so at best.

009
Matamune: That man's muscles aren't bad, I think fairly soon he'll be able to learn a move.
(Sfx- Dodododododo *dsplssssssh*)
Shinpachi: KATSURA-SAN?!
Why is he here?!
Toyako: As you can see, that hermit dwells at Aitou Matamune, where that man lives. She is the Matamune Hermit.
Matamune: Now concentrate and release in one go!
Katsura: Yes!
Toyako: Right now in the dwelling places of the hermits, every major character is being taught a special technique by a hermit in order to gain sponsors.
Gintoki: People are doing stupid stuff like this all over!?
Toyako: While you guys have been flitting around carelessly, this man has taken his training seriously, and is gradually becoming stronger.
At this rate, they'll surpass you before long.
Katsura: Ring ding ring-a-ding-dong Ring-ding-ring-a-ding-dong-Ring-ding-ring-a-diing-dong.
Shinpachi: WHAT THE HELL KIND OF TRAINING IS THIS!?
(TN- This is Kimura Kaela’s newest single ‘Ring a Ding Dong.’ I know I probably screwed up how it’s ‘sung’, but considering how god dammned wordy this chapter is, I really don’t care.)
Toyako: It’s a secret technique that will bring in the cell phone sponsors.
Shinpachi: WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SECRET TECHINIQUE IS THAT?! AREN’T YOU JUST FILMING A COMMERCIAL?!
Matamune: PUT MORE EMOTION INTO IT! DO YOU THINK YOU CAN SURPASS KAELA LIKE THAT?!
Katsura: YES MA’AM!! Ring-a-ding-dong-ring-a-ding-dong!!
Shinpachi: YOU’LL NEVER WIN!! WHO WOULD BUY A CELLPHONE WHEN A CREEP LIKE YOU IS THE POSTER BOY?!

010
Kagura: Are you sure this is for a fighting game? That secret technique would be hard to use, yes?
Touyako: This is but one example. There are many more hermits.
This is the Hermit Toyako, please respond.
Hermit Sunglasses, please come in.
(Sfx- Zazazaza *zzzzzzzzzt*)
Shinpachi: A sunglasses hermit?! You’ve got a hermit that lives in the land of sun glass?
Glasses: Yes, this is Hermit Sunglasses.
Shinpachi: ISN’T THAT THE SAME OLD LADY FROM BEFOOOOOORE?!
(Sfx- PItsuuu *ppppin*)
(On forehead- Gu *For glasses.*)
Shinpachi: You just re-used the old lady from before! Even though you were going on about how there were lots of them.
Toyako: No..that’s just my mo---the Glasses Hermit.
Shinpachi: I HEARD THAT! YOU WERE ABOUT TO SAY ‘MOM’ WEREN’T YOU?!
Toyako: How are things looking there, Hermit Glasses?
Glasses: He’s just managed to learn the duplication secret techinique….
Shinpachi: Whoa!! The most useless of them all; Old man Hasegawa, has an awesome move!!
Glasses: It seems that for past this point I forgot what to do, Mo-... Sunglass Hermit.
Shinpachi: Stop it. We already know who you are.
(Sfx- Un *nod*)
Glasses: We've said it so many times now I think I forgot it.

011
Glasses: Was it Ring-a-ching-tong? Ring-dong-ching?
(Top text RINGO DANG DANG CHING DONG DONG!! Or something!)
Shinpachi: IT’S ALL ABOUT KAELA HERE ISN’T IT?!
Toyako: I didn’t think that Kaela would be this problematic….
Glasses: Yes…so perhaps we should give up on teaching him the move then…
Shinpachi: WHYYYYYYYY?! HE MASTERED THE CLONE THING RIGHT?! WHO GIVES A CRAP ABOUT BEING ABLE TO SING KAELA’S COMMERCIAL JINGLE?!
WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERMITS SO OBSESSED WITH US LEARNING KAELA?! MOREOVER, WHY ARE YOU USING AN OLD MAN?!
(Sfx- Zazazazaza *zzzzzzzzzzzzzt*)
Toyako: This is Hermit Toyako, please come in…
Come in Hermit Cabaret…
Shinpachi: A HERMIT OF CABARETS?! ISN’T HE JUST A NORMAL OLD MAN THEN?!
(Sfx- Pitsu *pin*)
(Sfx- Hiku *hic*)
Toyako’s dad: Yo, daddy-o here~
Shinpachi: HE JUST EXPOSED THE WHOLE THING!! HE JUST LET THE WHOLE SECRET OUT AS SOON AS HE SHOWED UP!!
Toyako: YOU’RE NOT MY DAD, BUT THE HERMIT CABARET!!!
Cabaret: Oh right, my bad. I’m the Hermit Cabaret then.
(Sfx- Hikku *hicc*)
Shinpachi: IS YOUR WHOLE FAMILY HAVING FUN SCREWING WITH US?!?

012
Cabaret: Oh yeah, I taught a Cabaret girl the secret technique. Ring-a-ding-dong. Should I have?
Shinpachi: What's with that "your turn to talk" sort of way they're saying that!?
Toyako: Are preparations for the ‘Ring-a-ding-dong’ complete then?
Shinpachi: HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW?!
Cabaret: No problems here, Ring-a-ding-dong.
Shinpachi: YOU GUYS JUST REALLY LIKE THAT SONG, DON'T YOU?!
Cabaret: It's just this cabaret girl picked it up faster than I thought.
Shinpachi: Sister!!
(Sfx- Bachi bachi *bzzzt bzzzt*)
Tae: Ring-a-ding-dong-dodonpaaah!!
(Sfx- DOOOOON *THOOOOM*)
Shinpachi: HEEEYYYYY!!! FOR A CABARET GIRL, SHE SURE HAS A DANGEROUS SECRET TECHINIQUE!!
(TN- Dodonpa is a move from Dragon ball employed by Tao-pai pai. Although Tae’s pose looks like Piccolo’s attack ‘Special Beam cannon.’ Or 'Manankousappou' in Japanese.)
Cabaret: She seems to be on par with Frieza-sama, will that be okay?
(Sfx- Ohohohohohoho)
Shinpachi: THE BALANCE OF POWER IS WAYYYY OFF DAMMIT!!!
Cabaret: W---
Waaaaaaaaaaaait!!!
(Sfx- pitsu *pin*)
Glasses: Deaaaar!!
Have you been going to Cabarets again….?!

013
Shinpachi: Mom cut in.
Glasses: Why you philanderer! Teaching special techniques in a place like that again!! Do you have no shame as a father?!
Toyako: Calm down Mo—Hermit Glasses!! That’s not dad, but Hermit Cabaret!!
Cabaret: It's not like I could help it dammit! I have my own work to do! It's not like I choose wherever I want to teach secret techniques! And you're the one getting all worked up in front of our child, Mom!
Toyako: She’s not my mom! She’s Hermit Glasses!!
Shinpachi: Your little plan is falling apart it seems.
Glasses: And you've been saying all those things recently about how you're going to teach even more amazing special techniques, you're just been getting tangled up with cabaret club girls, aren't you!?
Unlike you, I’m taking this seriously!!
Cabaret: What!? And what about that guy you had come fix the plumbing a few days ago!?
I bet you want to teach special techniques to him and get taught some in return, it seemed like you were doing quite a bit, weren't ya, you bitch!?
Shinpachi: What in the hell are you talking about?
Glasses: I can't BELIEVE you!! Are you doubting my faithfulness?! Fine then! I've run out of patience! I’m going back to my mom’s house!!
Hasegawa clone: He's just using a figure of speech.
Just calm down there ma’am.
Yeah, calm down.
Shinpachi: THAT'S CREEPY!! SOMEONE GET IN THERE AND STOP HER FROM EXPLOITING THAT SECRET TECHNIQUE!!
Cabaret: Forget you then, woman!!
Not just the water pipes, you can go have maintenance done on all the pipes you want!!
Tae: Calm down sir! That’s going too far!
Cabaret: SHUT UP!! What do you know about me anyway?!
Tae: Please calm down!!
(Sfx- Garashaaan *craaaash*)
Cabaret: Keep out of it!! You don’t know anything!!

014
Tae: I just told you to calm down.
Japanese, You speak it right?
(Sfx- Gogogo *rmmmmmmble*)
Cabaret: …..Eh?
(Sfx- Gazaaaaaaaaaaaaah *zzzzzzzzzzzzt*)
Cabaret: GYAHHHHHHH!!!

015
Toyako: Caba... DAAAAAAADDDYYYYYYY!!!!
Gintoki: Ah, he finally let it slip out.
Toyako: Answer me! Please!!
(Sfx- Kata kata *klickity clackity.*)
Toyako: Ring-a-ding-dong-ring-a-ding-dong-dinng!!!
He’s completely gone…
Hermit Cabaret’s Ring-a-ding-dong has ceased to exist!!
This is incredible…to think she would have mastered a secret move so powerful that it could defeat a Hermit…
I think it’s fair to say that we’ve given birth to a monster…..!!
???: Respond, please respond…
Hermit Toyako, please respond.
(Sfx- Za za za *zzzzt*)
(Sfx- Piii *beep*)
Toyako: M---MOOOMMMMMM!!!!

016
Mom: Heh…
No, I’m not a mother anymore…
Just Hermit Divorcee.
I thought I could handle it, but I can’t…
I can’t leave this useless hermit to himself…
That makes us the ‘failing marriage’ hermits doesn’t it?
Dad: M…
Mom…
Mom: Hmm?
Shinpachi: Why have things suddenly taken a turn for the dramatic?
(Sfx- Gabaaah *bloorsh*)
Toyako: M---Mom!!
Mom: To—Tou-kun.
If this monster should get back to earth, there’s no hope for anyone.
Shinpachi: Hey, is it normal for you guys to call someone’s sister a monster when they’re standing right here? If so, could you stop?
Mom: You’re the only one who can stop her now.
Shinpachi: It's your fault things got like this. Enough of this crap already.

017
Mom: It’s your duty as a hermit to teach them a secret technique.
So now the ball is in your court.
In order to stop that monster...
You’ll have to teach them an unthinkable technique…
I’m sure the students I taught will be more than happy to lend their power…
(Sfx- Toko toko toko *tic tic tic*)
Gintoki: NO THEY WON’T!! HOW THE HELL WILL BEING ABLE TO DANCE TO KAELA HELP US STOP ANYONE?!
(Sfx- Zunzun *doomdooom*)
Dad: Mom—she—she’s….
UGHYAHHHHHHH!!!
(Sfx- Dodoooooon *THOOOOM*)
Mom: Nghyoooo
Toyako: MOOOOOOOOOM!!!
DAAAAAAAAAAAD?!
Mother: Ugh….Tou-kun…
Ring…
A ding…
Dong…
(Sfx- Zuzuunnnn *dooooom*)

018
(Sfx- Zazaaaaaaaa *sssssssssshhhh*)
(Sfx- Pota pota *drip drip*)
Toyako: uuuugh…
Ring…
A—ding----dong…
Toyako: LISTEN UP YOU GUYS!!!
THE TIME TO AWAKEN HAS COME!!
I will….
Teach you the ultimate secret technique!!
AND WITH IT, BRING THE SPONSORS BACK!!
Oh and uh, save the world.
(Sfx- Giiiii *reeeeeeeee*)
Toyako: She’s here!!
Let’s do this!!
Watch me, and learn this ultimate secret technique!!

019
(Sfx- Zaaaaaaaaan)
Toyako: I’m SOOOOO SORRRRRYYYYY!!!!
Burn this image into your eyes…
This is the ultimate finisher…
‘The Dogeza’.
(TN- Dogeza literally means kneeling on the ground. I guess I could have also used ‘prostrating oneself’, but I wanted it to be one word.)
Everyone: REJECTEEEED!!!
(Sfx- Guuujiii *snrrrrrr*)
(Side text- Congrats on your marriage Kaela-chan!!)
(TN- Is that what this was about Sorachi? Did you have a tear in your eye as you wrote this chapter? Though…the side text is usually added by the Jump editorial staff….)
Kaela on TV: Ring-a-ding-dong-ring-a-ding~
Ring-a-ding-dong.
GINTAMA LESSON 312…………………END.