Gintama 314

God, why do you and Sorachi hate me so much? Is it because I'm a terrible person? Is it because I don't use the secret move 'DOGEZA' enough each day? Is it because Bandai licensed K-ON? Throw me a bone here dammit.

Check script before using.

(Side text- A special thank you color page for making the movie the huge hit that it is!! Be sure to check out the home page for more news!!)
(Text going downward- Their souls and hearts, burned onto the film…)
GINTAMA
SORACHI HIDEAKI.

002
???: Hey, did you hear?
The other day, a messenger from the Shogun clan came to visit the head of the house.
(Side text- Whispers?)
(Bottom text- Gintama Character book Volume 1 is now out in stores! Volume two will be released in July!!)
SORACHI HIDEAKI
GINTAMA
Lesson 314: Jugemu.
(TN- Jugemu is a popular type of Rakugo (Comical storytelling) that usually entails repeating a ridiculously long name. The story is that a father went around asking for names for his newborn baby, and being unable to choose one, names the kid all of them. What does this have to do with Gintama lesson 314? You’ll see. Moreover, is it just me or are the lesson titles getting awfully short?)

???: Apparently he came to leave something for the Yagyuu’s to take care of as a personal favor to him.
The shogun...... Does that mean a person whose lineage extends back to the Tokugawa family?
Well at any rate, there was no mistaking it was someone of high status.
Well it's not too surprising considering how it's the noble family the Yagyuu, former instructors for the Shogun family.
It must be quite a warrior's honor to learn the sword with a relative of the Shogun.
Uh-huh. But what does he want the Yagyuus to do for him?
(Sfx- Kakooon *tpppt*)
Koshinori: Kyuubee, I’m sure you’ve heard the rumors swirling about.
The truth is, this time we, the Yagyuu clan are to take care of something by the Shogun's command.

003
Koshinori: We've been asked to explain the doctrines of the Yagyuu style and make him into a fine celebrity.
(Sign in back- Path of Celebrity.)
Koshinori: That’s why I’d like you to take a lead role in this assignment.
You must already know how your grandfather Binbokusai trained the Shogun’s father, helping him perfect his blade and polishing his skills.
The results will also affect the continuation of the friendship between the Shougun family and the Yagyuu family.
So now it’s your turn, Kyuubee.
You will keep them supplied with food, clothes, and housing as well as guide and teach them a thing or two about being a warrior.
And protect him to the bitter end.
Can you do that Kyuubee?
Kyuubee: I understand.
I, Kyubee will see through my duty until the end.
To prove useful to the Yagyuu house…no…the shogun. Father.
Koshinori: A good answer!
BUT! Don't call me Father!! Call me Papa!! Otherwise. Daddy is fine!!
I told you you need to be more self-conscious as a celebrity!
(Sfx- Zaan)
(TN- Er…in Japanese, Kyuubee refers to her dad as ‘Chichiue’ which is a formal way of saying father. Koshinori prefers ‘Papa-ue’, which is less formal. I’m not entirely sure why, other than the fact that Chichi sounds like ‘chiisai’ or ‘small’, and like most Gintama characters, he’s got a complex towards the truth.)
Kyuubee: I'm sorry F---Papa.
Koshinori: Listen well, you're not only teaching the path of the blade, but also you must not forget the way of the celebrity life and the path of celebrity.
And if anything happens to that person, then not even seppuku will redeem it.
But your whole body and sprit into protecting them and make them into a fine celebrity. Failure will not be forgiven.
Kyuubee: Yes sir.

004
Koshinori: All right then, I shall introduce him to you now, Kyuubee.
Kyuubee: Introduce me? To whom?
Koshinori: What are you saying? He's right over there, is he not?
(Sfx- Kyoro *spin*)
(Sfx- Kikii)
Monkey: Ukiki
Kyuubee: Papa... This is...

005
(Sfx- Ukiya)
Kyuubee: This person is a monkey.
(TL Note - This is a pun on the phrase "Saruokata" which means "the person is a monkey" but also could mean "a certain person", and was used earlier in the narrative.)
Gintoki: …..
What the heck is that?
It’s cool if I laugh right? You won’t get mad? Or I can’t laugh?
Shinpachi: So what’s the deal with him, Kyubee-san?
(Sfx- Ukiki)
Kyuubee: This little fellow is the Shogun's little sister's beloved pet. But his mother..........
The baby was born fine, but he's always being bad and never listens.
The people of the household were at their wit's end and it seems they chose the Yagyuu family to be his trainer.
Gintoki: So basically they pushed the little nuisance onto you, huh?
So the once great instructors of the shogun family are now trainers for a circus monkey?
Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
(Sfx- Bari bori *chew chew*)
(Sfx- Pan *splat*)

006
Gintoki: Man that stinks. What is it?
(Sfx- Kun kun *snif snif*)
Kyuubee: It might be good for you to watch what you say. He can sense rudeness by intuition and with a Clint Eastwood-like quick draw, he'll throw his feces at you.
He might be badly behaved, but he's got the pride of a celebrity.
Gintoki: WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO FIND A CELEBRITY THAT THROWS THEIR CRAP AT OTHERS?! ROPPUNGI HILLS?!
(TN- A pun on Roppongi, Hills a famous property development in Minato Tokyo. The "pon" is replaced with "pun" meaning feces.)
Tae: Kyuu-chan, I think like what Gin-san says, the Shogun family probably just wanted to get rid of him and probably have no plans on taking him back.
Kyuubee: Even if that is the case, this is an imperial command, so I have no choice but to obey.
(Handwritten- Achoo! Hey!)
(Sfx- Goshitsu *tmp*)
(Sfx- Gyahhhh!!)
(Sfx- Dogo Baki *doof tok*)
Shinpachi: So you're going to take care of a trouble monkey like that forever?
Kyuubee: Well, his bad behavior aside, he's learned to think about what he's done.
(Handwriten- Ah he counterattacked.)
Monkey: Kii.
(Sfx- Supan *splat*)
Shinpachi: But he's throwing poop while he's thinking about his mistakes. It's as flimsy as the average housewife who gets caught by the plain-clothes security guards who look for shop lifters.
Kyuubee: His behavior isn’t just the problem of the Shogun anymore though, now it’s also an issue for the Yagyuu family.
Whether it's my responsibility or not, I intend to raise him into being a fine celebrity monkey he can be proud to be.
However there is one problem…
The truth is,
He has no name.

007
Kyuubee: It seems it had been promised that eventually he will be handed over to a family of the Shougun family and the plan had been to have them name him.
But that arrangement was canceled and now the monkey is here, still with no name.
However, to be taking care of him without him even having a name worries me.
And it should be one that bodes well, one that would not embarrass the Shogun family if they were to hear it.
Gintoki: Dude, he’s a monkey. Anything works, like ‘Monkikki’ or something.
(Sfx- Paaan *splat*)
Kyuubee: He doesn’t seem to like that.
Gintoki: Waaait, so he throws poop to show what he does like, too? And why are they all shot at me?
(Handwritten- More like, how can anything crap that much?)
(Sfx- Gontsu gontsu *rub rub*)
(Sfx- Gyaaaah!!)
(Sfx- Doko baki *thud thud*)
Kyuubee: He still thinks that "Monkey" is better than Monkikki. He's changing his name so he can't sell too quickly.
Shinpachi: What are you talking about?
Tae: Something that bodes well, huh...? I know, how about 'Jugem'?
Kyuubee: What’s a Jugem?
Tae: It means "limitless lifespan". It has the desire for long life in it.
(Sfx- Buun *Wifff*)
(Sfx- Pan *splat.*)
Kyuubee: Ooh, I think he likes that, Tae-chan.
Gintoki: I don't think it's got anything to do with names. I think he just doesn't like me. Why don't you just go with "Poop Throwing Machine"?
Kyuubee: I see... Yes. It's because "luck" will fly towards him. That really is a well boding name
Shinpachi: Before any luck, a ton of filth will come flying, though. I think the idea is a little too direct. How about we go with something softer?
Kagura: How about Bichigusomaru then?
Shinpachi: HOW IS THAT SOFTER?!
(TN- "Bichiguso" means diarrhea. Maru is a common end of a name, usually for boys.)

008
Shinpachi: Who cares if poop is soft or not!!? I'm saying the tone should be softer and less direct!!
Gintoki: Heeeeey!! He really is chucking diarrhea! Somebody do something!!
(Sfx- Bicha bicha *bloorp blorrop*)
Tae: Less direct... How about "Shin-chan's underwear the day before yesterday"?
Shinpachi: WAS THERE SOMETHING ON THERE!? AND WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU TELLING EVERYONE, SISTEEEEEER!!?
Kagura: As you would expect, that sounds sad. Maybe we could disguise it, make it a little subtler. How about just "Shinpachi's Life"?
Shinpachi: So now it's not just my underwear, but all of me that's smeared with crap!!?
(Sfx- Dododon *thuuud*)
Gintoki: What the hell?! Seriously?! He’s like on a vendetta for me here dammit!!
Kyuubee: I see.. Then his name will be "Jugemu Jugemu Poop Throwing Machine Shin-chan's Underwear the Day Before Yesterday Bichigusomaru".
Shinpachi: TOO LOOONG!! WHY DID YOU ADD ALL OF IT?!
(Sfx- Un un *mmmhmmm*)
Kyuubee: Well, everyone worked so hard on all of them and all.
And it's of course better to have many well-boding things in it, isn't it?
Shinpachi: THERE HASN'T BEEN A SINGLE THING BODING ANYHING IN ALL THAT!! IT'S JUST A BIG LINEUP OF STUFF ABOUT POOP!!
Kyuubee: But even with all the good omens in it, it's not truly great.
I'd like it if we could start coming up with ones with a feeling of high social rank.
(Sfx- GYAHHHHHH!!!!)
(Sfx- Dokudokudoku *tmptmptmptmp*)
Shinpachi: YOU'RE STILL DOING THIS!? IT'S GONNA BE QUITE A PROBLEM TO MAKE IT MORE DIGNIFIED AT THIS POINT!! THAT'D BE A FEAT LIKE TURNING AN EVIL KING INTO A HERO!!
Kyuubee: Hmm, the problem here seems to be the ‘Bichigusomaru’ part…
(Paper: Jugemu Jugemu Poop Throwing Machine Shin-chan's Underwear the Day Before Yesterday Bichigusomaru)
Kyuubee: In order for there to be no hero that can overcome this powerful phrase
being of high social status shouldn't make it well liked. I think it's got to be a pretty cool name, doesn't it?

009
Kagura: How about Balmunk Fezarion?
Shinpachi: Why's it suddenly sound like something a middle schooler would think of!?This is a monkey's name!! A monkey's!!
{{Balmunk Fezarion
Nickname - Jet Black Wind
Leader of the band of dark nights, Fakinaway. He's normally calm and collected, but when his comrades are threatened, he leaps into battle with a passion. When this happens he loses sight of his surroundings, and that is his biggest defect. The dark pope Bichigusomaru is both his enemy and his father. When his third eye awakens, he becomes the dark emperor Kaizer Fakinaway.}
Shinpachi: WHO IS HEEEEE?! What's with this whole backstory? And since when is Bichigusomaru a dark pope!?
{Secret Techniques:
Dark Fakinway <- -> A B
(Only when the third eye is opened)
Hell's Fakinway \/ /\ X A
(However, can only be done at 'that' time.)}
Shinpachi: WHY ARE BUTTON COMMANDS FOR HIS MOVES LISTED TOO?! AND WHEN THE HELL IS ‘THAT’ TIME?!
Tae: That name is pretty cool, but I think you’re relying on this Fakinaway thing a little too much.
Shinpachi: No, it just doesn't have anything to do with a name!! It's just some made-up story plotline!!
Tae: And I think that ability to wield the power of darkness doesn't hold very good omens with it.
Shinpachi: But he CAN'T actually use the power of darkness, so what does that matter!?
Tae: How does this sound?
{(53) Issax Schneider
Nickname - Imperial Prince of Light
Balmunk's younger twin brother. In contrast to his older brother who was abandoned, he was brought up without any discomfort. But when he learns of his father, Bichigusomaru's darkness, he reconciled with Balmunk in the Ragnarock Shepard War and joined forces and formed a band. (Later known as B'z)}
Shinpachi: (Known as B'z) My ass!! Why kind of incredible lies are you telling?! They forget about their father's darkness, and why do they form a band!?
{Card characteristics:
・Bad Communication
All of opponent's attack cards become their hand.
・Lovingly, selfishly, you are the only one I can't harm
Lovingly, selfishly, wipe out all cards besides Matsumoto}
Shinpachi: MAKE UP YOUR MIND DAMMIT! IS THIS A FIGHTING GAME, OR A COLLECTIBLE CARD GAME?!
(TN- Matsumoto is one of the members of B’z.)

010
Kagura: As expected of Boss lady. Now even Balmunk will progress to the path of light.
Shinpachi: Progress!? All he's doing now is walking the path of a band member, ain't he!?
Kyuubee: Yes. Now the threat of Bichigusomaru will be done for.
Shinpachi: It will not!! They just forgot about him!! They just forgot about him and became B'z!!
Kyuubee: Okay, now for the real deal. What should I put on next?
Shinpachi: Do you still want to do this?! How long does his name have to be?!
Tae: Okay…how about…
(Sfx- Kaa kaa)
(Sfx- Pitsu *slssh*)
Kyuubee: Okay…
Kyuubee: Done.
(TN- *Deep breath.*)
{Jugemu Jugem Poop Throwing Machine
Shin-chan's Underwear the Day Before Yesterday Shinpachi's Life
Balmunk Fezarion Isaac Schneider
One Thirds Pure Feeling and Remaining Two Thirds Worried-Over-a-Hangnail Feeling
As Betrayal Knows My Name I Know the Unknown
Unattended Cuttlefish Medaka Ricefish Herring Roe Cesspool
Medaka Ricefish...? This Medaka Is Different From Last Time Because it's Ikeno Medaka. Raayu.
Yuuteimiyaoukimukou Pepepepepepepepepepepepe Bichigusomaru.}
Shinpachi: TOO LOOOOONG!!
(TL Note: Ikeno Medaka is a comedian. Raayu is a spicy oil used in Chinese cuisine. Yuutei...pepepe part is a password from Dragon Quest 2 which lets you start at level 48. Though it's abbreviated a little.)

011
Shinpachi: Somewhere along the way this totally became a game of Shiritori, didn't it!!?
(TL Note - Shiritori is a game where you start a word or phrase with the last character of the last word or phrase. Past the line with Isaac Schneider, they all do this in Japanese, leading to the phrases to be really random.)
Shinpachi: And what the hell is this at the end, here?! It turned into a resurrection spell or something!!
What happened to it sounding high-class and all that?
Kyuubee: A true name is the name of one's soul. I fear that upon learning this name, other people will feel out-done.
With a name this long, there’s no way anyone will be able to dirty your soul…
Aren't you glad, Jugemu Jugem Poop Throwing Machine Shin-chan's Underwear the Day Before Yesterday Shinpachi's Life Balmunk Fezarion Isaac Schneider One Thirds Pure Feeling and Remaining Two Thirds Worried-Over-a-Hangnail Feeling As Betrayal Knows My Name I Know the Unknown Unattended Cuttlefish Medaka Ricefish Herring Roe Cesspool Medaka Ricefish...? This Medaka Is Different From Last Time Because it's Ikeno Medaka. Raayu. Yuuteimiyaoukimukou Pepepepepepepepepepepepe Bichigusomaru?
Shinpachi: Dear God!! His name is so long that it actually destroyed a panel!!
Tae: It was hard work, but I wish you luck! Jugemu Jugem Poop Throwing Machine Shin-chan's Underwear the Day Before Yesterday Shinpachi's Life Balmunk Fezarion [cut off]
Shinpachi: Stop it! We don’t need to hear the whole thing every time you talk to him!!
Kagura: Oh, you must stop throwing poop at people, Jugemu Jugem Poop Throwing Machine Shin-chan's Underwear the Day Before Yesterday Shinpachi's Life Balmunk Fezarion Isaac [cut off]
Shinpachi: HEEEY!!! STOP THAT ALREADY!! IF WE KEEP THIS UP, THE CONVERSATION WILL NEVER END!! AND HEY, YOU GUYS REALLY GOT HIS NAME MEMORIZED!?
Kyuubee: Thank you so much everyone! I’ll make him a celebrity monkey for sure now!
Let's go, Jugemu Jugem Poop Throwing Machine Shin-chan's Underwear the Day Before Yesterday Shinpachi's Life Balmunk Fezarion Isaac Schneider One Thirds Pure Feeling and Remaining Two Thirds
Shinpachi: JUST GO!! PLEASE!! I’m BEGGING YOU!!

012
(Sfx- Zeh hah zeh)
Shinpachi: Will….things be okay with that monkey having such a long name…?
Tae: I’m sure they’ll be fine…...
Kyuu-chan and Jugemu Jugem Poop Throwing Machine Shin-chan's Underwear the Day Before Yesterday Shinpachi's Life Balmunk Fezarion Isaac Schneider One Thirds Pure Feeling and Remaining Two [cut off]
Shinpachi: STOP IT.

013

014

015

016
???: Incedibly, now they're actually getting along.
Now it’s almost as if she’s got a younger brother tagging along with her…

017
Toujou: DAAAAAAMMITTTTTTTTTTT!!!
(Sfx- Gang an *thud thud*)
Toujou: I, Toujou Ayumu have lost my life standing to a primate!!!
Ever since HE came, the young master hasn’t had eyes for anyone else!! It’s almost as If he’s taken my reserved seat beside her!!
Gintoki: Your reserved seat is behind a telephone pole.
Toujyou: I used to be the one riding on her shoulder, chirping like a bird.
Gintoki: What you used to ride on was a soap mat on in the poor part of town.
(Sfx- Dan *thump*)
Toujou: The only place I have now is corner with the "shah" shower curtain rails things at Loft!!
(TN- Loft is kind of like a department store.)
Toujou: Right now, I’m just like that little ring thingy on the shower!!
Whatever curtain is put on me, it always "shah"s to the left or the right!!
Shah-ing between the dojo and Loft, shah-ing between life and death!
I'm doomed to keep shah-ing until I die! I'll be just like those shah-rails! I'm just a great big shah!! But there's shah-thing I can do! I'm a shah!
(SFX: Shaah)

018
Gintoki: ENOUGH WITH THE SHAH SHAH SHAH!
(Sfx- Gotsu *Thok*)
(Sfx- Shaaaa *ssssssht*)
Gintoki: Did you come here for a reason?
In the end, you're pretty much in the same position you were in before. So hurry up and grab some soap and "shah" out of here.
(Sfx- Para para *clatter clatter.*)
Shinpachi: Yeah, it's a little shameful, being jealous of a monkey.
Don't you think this is a good way for Kyuubee-san to be trending towards?
Rather than look at it like a brotherhood, you should think of it as maternal love awakening within her.
By helping protect the frail existence of femininity that's been sleeping deep down inside Kyuubee, they might start to bud.
Toujou-san, you said at one point that you wanted to help her become a woman again right? Well this is a good chance!
Kagura: Right! Kyuu-chan's face is looking different than it ever has!
Toujou: SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!!! YOU UNDERSTAND NOTHING!!!
(Sfx- OOOOOOOOOOOOH)
Toujou: YOU LIKE APES HUH?! WELL, LISTEN TO THIS!!
Take the monkey's butt, in manga it's always drawn all smooth and cute!!
But in real life, it's all mushed up and it's incredibly disgusting!! It's a HUGE DEAL!!
Gintoki: What the hell is he talking about?
Toujou: THAT DIRTY ASS ON MY YOUNG MASTER’S SHOULDER!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL?! I…I’M…..ORAHHHHHH!!!!!!
SO JEALOUS!!!
Gintoki: Speaking of asses, Kagura d’ya think you could kick his a little bit?

019
(Sfx- Pan pan pan *twack thwak thwak*)
Toujou: OW!
UGH!!
Hey, I'm sorr-!! No, really sto-, this girl, this is turning into a joke!! I'm s-orry! I was wrong! That wasn't it!! I didn't come to say that stuff!!
Although I still dislike the little beast with all of my heart and soul…
I still have to admit that he’s property of the Shogun, which makes him in line to be a Monkey Shogun!! I can’t stand up to that.
And though I can't stand it, I do know that that monkey may be a good influence on the young master.
(Sfx- Hah hah *huff puff*)
Toujou: However….there is something I haven’t told the young master yet…
For the young master, it's bad news, though for me it's very good news.
The Shogun has…
Passed down an order for the prompt return of that monkey.
You've hears about how, originally, that monkey was going to be taken care of by a relative of the Shogun Family, correct?

020
Kagura: Th... That's so unfair to do after all this time! Even they were glad to be rid of him in the first place.
When it's convenient for them, they shove a life onto other people, and when it's convenient for them they want to yank that life back!!?
Toujou?: But that was the original agreement. To have them train a wild monkey.
Shinpachi: Poor Kyuubee-san…
Toujou: For the young master any time before now, there wouldn't have been any reason to worry, but with her coming to love the monkey so much...
So I’m begging you guys!!
Please go tell the young master the order in my place!!
Kagura: WHAT?!
So now even YOU'RE gonna be selfish!?
Toujou: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!! If I tell her this, she's sure to hate meeeeee!!!
Binbokusai-sama and Koshinori-sama are being unfair, too! Forcing this job onto someone else!
If I told her she has to give the monkey back, there's no way she'd ever speak to me aga......
Monkey: Ki.
(Side text- Bad timing…!!)
GINTAMA LESSON 314…………….END.