Gintama 316

>_>. I want to die too. If it means not being behind on these monstrous slabs of text, then please, someone put me in a casket.

(Bottom text- Gintama’s character book volume 2 is now out in stores!!)
GINTAMA
SORACHI HIDEAKI
(Sign- Store operations have temporarily been suspended for a period of mourning. Eatery owner.)
(Side- Serving up a plate of sadness….)
???: Thank you for coming..
Lesson 316: Going to a Funeral for the First Time and Being Surprised Everyone is Actually so Cheerful.
Lady: Oh my! If it isn’t the Yorozuya! I didn’t expect you here…
Gintoki: Hey, don't talk that way granny... I'd be totally shameless not to show my face at the funeral of a benefactor.
Lady: Benefactor? Oh, you exaggerate.
Shinpachi: No, honestly. Even when we were totally penniless, the old man prepared some food for us without saying a word.
Honestly, the fact that we're able to be where we are today is thanks to him.
Kagura: The old man’s sukonbu rice bowl was delicious…
Gintoki: It's kind of sad... thinking I'll never eat that Uji Gintoki rice bowl again...
Lady: This is so unlike all of you…
You know more than anyone that he hates depressing things like this.
Because that liked festivals so much, we've got to show him our smiles today, too. Like he'd want... That's what's most important.
Gintoki: Yeah, I know….sorry.

002
Shinpachi: Looks like people are pouring in, huh?
Gintoki: Yeah. Well this is the because of his virtuous nature, too.
He was the sort of guy who would come and attend to each customer himself, you know?
That did nothing but take up time and energy so he probably didn't make of a profit, but
It was probably because he didn't earn much money because of that, that...
???: POOOOOPS!!!
WHY THE HELL DID YOU PASS AWAY SO SOON? WHYYYYY?!?!?
Kondou: ......Toshi, calm down. You're in front of the altar.
Hijikata: I...I didn't even pay off my tab yet!! I...I...I still have so... so much left that I have to pay...
Kondo: Calm down Toshi…we’re sitting right in front of the deceased you know..
Hijikata: O... Old man... Even If your body dies.........
The taste of your Hijikata Special....... lives on forever!!
Shinpachi: Well, I'm seeing a familiar face, but...
Gintoki: Oh yeah, that guy did show up there too…
Shinpachi: About that Gin-san….
Just this once, can we put a kibosh on the fisticuffs?

003
Hijikata: A truly great man…
Has been lost to us…
Gintoki: Yeah…
Another one of the Edo's treasures...... has disappeared.
Shinpachi: ......Huh? Those two are being uncharacteristically calm...
Kagura: It looks like it has made a big effect on them.
Kondo: Through their lack of taste buds, they’ve come to some kind of understanding.
For tonight at least, lets follow their leads and mourn the old man.
(Sfx- Poku poku *dong dong*)
(Sfx- Poku poku poku *dong dong dong*)
{Nanmai da~}
{Sanmaida~}
{Sanbaiza~}
{Shinsesaiza~}
{Darth Vader~}
{Daijoubu da}
(TN- They’re supposed to rhyme. I’m taking a stab at them, but the first can mean ‘How many plates’? The second could be ‘Three of them’ Third is ‘Sun visor’ Fourth is ‘Synthesizer’ Fifth is ‘Darth Vader’ and last is ‘It’s okay’.)
(Sfx- Poku poku *dong dong*)

004
(Sfx- Poku poku *dong dong*)
(Sfx- Poku poku *dong dong*)
(Sfx- Poku poku *dong dong*)
(Sfx- Mukuu *poke*)
(Sfx- Poku poku poku *dong dong dong*)
(Sfx- Poku poku poku *dong dong dong*)

005
(Sfx- Pan pan *patpat*)
Shinpachi: Ow. What is it, Gin-san...?
Gintoki: Oi... That...
That... Oi...
Shinpachi: What?
Gintoki: No, THAAAAAAAAAT!! OOIIIIIIIIII!! THAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!
Shinpachi: Quiet down! Why are you being so loud?
Gintoki: Nonononono, THAAAAAAAT! THAT OVER THERE!! OIIII, THAAAAAAAAAAAT!!
Kagura: How embarrassing. Let us pretend we do not know him.
Shinpachi: Just what’s his problem anyway…
Gintoki: What?! Wait…?!
Kondo: ----Hey, cut it out already, Toshi. What's gotten into you?
Hijikata: Nonononono, THAAAAAAAT! OIIIIIIIIII, THAAAAAAAAAAAT!!
Okita: I guess you’re not even old enough to know how to act during funerals Hijikata-san. Don’t worry though, your funeral is coming up soon enough….
Hijikata: Nonononono, THAAAAAAAT! I'M TALKING ABOUT THAAT!! THAAAAAAAT!!
Gintoki: Hold on man….
Can you see it too?

006
Hijikata: Wahahahaha... What the hell is that? S... So are we the only ones that can... see it, or something? ...Is it one of those things...?
Gintoki: O... One of what things? ...What kind of thing is that?
Hijikata: W... What kind of thing? ...It's totally ONE OF THOSE THINGS.
Gintoki: No, no... I don't think that's one of THOSE. THAT is probably one of THOSE OTHER things. It's okay.
Hijikata: I... It's not OKAY! It's not one of those other ones, it's one of THOSE! I'm telling you that thing...
Gintoki: Do-Don't be stupid. The old man is dead! And this is his funeral! And anyhow, the old man was never semi-transparent!
He was a more unhesitating and straightforward guy. This is another guy.
Hijikata: Well, you have a point there. He was a pretty clear-cut straightforward guy. He wasn't translucent.
Come to think about it, isn’t ANYONE being transparent kind of weird?
I mean, regardless of it being the old man or not, being semi-transparent isn't normal.
Gintoki: Well then it doesn't matter if it's him. Speaking of which, in critical moments there were times where he was indecisive and less clear, right? So maybe he was a little translucent like this, right?
Hijikata: I guess you could say that... He had his semi-transparent unsure moments, too.
Hey uh... If it's the old man, doesn't that make it even more strange?
Why would the dead old man be semi-transparent in a place like this? That's not normal.
Gintoki: Well that would make him your so-called "THAT".
You know, a ghost.
Hijikata: Ah, right. I see, a ghost.

007
(Sfx- Patadotabata *shfftshfftshfft*)
Shinpachi: Hey wait!! What are you guys doing?!
(Sfx- Dogashaaaan *craaaaaash*)
Hijikata: W-W-W-we have to use the bathroom!!
Shinpachi: Fine, whatever! Just keep it quiet!!
Hijikata: M... My legs fell asleep from kneeling and won't do what I tell them!!
(Sfx- Jitabata *clatter*)
Gintoki: Let go of me!! What the hell do you want?!
Hijikata: Oooh crap! Pops is staring at us!! He’s glaring right at us!!
Gintoki: Crapcrapcrap!! Don’t look at him! Act like we don’t know anything!!
Hijikata: He’s coming this way!! Pops is coming for us!! What’ll we do!!
(Sfx- Zun zun *doom*)
Gintoki: Quick! Play dead! He’ll never figure that out!
Hijikata: HOW WOULD A DEAD GUY NOT KNOW WHEN SOMEONE IS PLAYING DEAD?! ISN’T THIS HIS OCCUPATION NOW?!
???: Hey! Tasukichi!! What are you doing?!
Tatsukichi: But this sutra is so long...
Mom?: Don’t be foolish!! Take those things off this instant!! It’s rude!!
(Sfx- chaka chaka *dum dum*)
Tatsykichi: Nobody cares. Just showing up for a boring ceremony like at all this enough appreciation.

008
(Sfx- PANNN *TWOK*)
(Sfx- Furaaaah)
(Sfx- Dogoooooon *THOOOOOM*)
Mom: Tatsukichi?!
What happened to Tatsukichi all of a sudden?!
Mom: You'll have to excuse us, my son seems to have suddenly fallen ill...
Our deepest apologies…
(Sfx- Kachaa *clack*)
(Sfx- Shuboooo *fwoosoh*)
(Sfx- Meki meki *throb throb*)
(Sfx- Baribaribari *riipriiip*)
(Sfx- Gatsu *tonk*)

009
(Sfx- Baki poki baki poki *crackcrackcrack*)
(Sfx- Zushaaaaa *shosssssssh*)
Kondo: Hey Toshi, weren’t you going to the bathroom?
Hijikata: I’ll hold it.
(Sfx- Gaku gaku *shiver shiver*)
(Sfx- Buruburu* Shiver shiver*)
Shinpachi: Even if you say so, you two are trembling. Don't force yourself to stay if you can't.
Gintoki: N—nah, I can hold it…
Hijikata: He c-c-c-came to keep watch.
To make sure... his own funeral ceremony goes PERFECTLY...
he came back... from the depths of hell.
(Handwritten- Nanmaida~)
(Sfx- Munya munya *smack smack*)
(Sfx- Uto uto *wob wobble*)
Hijikata: N-Not good... If this funeral... doesn't go well...

010
{The old man…}
{Is going to curse us to death!!}
(Sfx- Jijiii *sshhh*)
(Sfx- Abuaaaaaaa)
(Sfx- Dogashaaaaan *claaaang*)
Gintoki: This is no friggin joke....!!
I just came to say some last words to the kindly old guy who ran the shop!
I don't remember ever going to a hard-boiled shop like that!!
He's practically a whole different person now!! What happened to the old man?!! WHAT'S GOING ON?!!
Hijikata: Well... For now pops is a different person. And we need to keep this thing from going bad or who knows what'll happen
Guy: Sir?
Um, the next person to burn incense is you.
Hijikata: What?
Guy: I’m saying, it’s your turn to offer your final penance.
The family and friends have already had their turn, it’s your turn now.

011
Hijikata: When we weren't paying attention, everybody took their turn burning incense! Now what do we do?!
We've gotta go up to where pops is to burn incense!!
Gintoki: You've gotta be kiddin' me! I'm about to piss myself at this distance!
I can't do some calm aroma therapy that close to him!! There'll be a whole different smell coming from my ass!!
Besides, if I screw up…it’s instant death!!
And how is burning incense supposed to go anyway? I remember powder sprinkling all over, but my memory's hazy on the subject...
Hijikata: What are you, stupid!!? And you call yourself a full-grown adult? you put the powder on your forehead three times, and then you do that, to that thing, and then there's that.
Gintoki: The whole second half was nothing but "that"'s!! You don't remember either, do you?!!
Hijikata: Once I get up to the incense altar I'll be able to do it. Unlike you!!
Gintoki: THEN YOU GO!!
Hijikata: WHY SHOULD I?! GO UP YOURSELF!!
Shinpachi: Okay, then I'll go first.
Watch carefully, Kagura-chan.
Gintoki: HOLD THE PHONE SHINPACHI!! DON’T BE HASTY!
Shinpachi: Eh? Hasty? No... Kagura-chan doesn't know how it works so I thought I'd show her by example.
Gintoki: Are you sure?! Do you think you can handle it?! Before you do ANYTHING, promise me you’ll be right back!!
Shinpachi: Are you making fun of me? Well, whatever. Kagura-chan watch me, okay?
First you approach the altar and give a bow to the bereaved family and the monk.
Then you sit in front of the incense altar and place your hands together towards the portrait of the deceased.
Take the rosary in the left hand, and a pinch of incense powder in the right and push some out on your brow.
Then drop it into the incense burner. Do this three times.
Then finally, place your hands together in front of the portrait one more time.
And then turn and bow to the family of deceased again.

012
Shinpachi: And all done!
See? Easy, right?
(Handwritten- I see. I will go.)
Gintoki: Mission Complete.
See, I knew I could trust you to do this. Our victory party today will be the finest yet!
(Handwritten- Congrats.)
(Handwritten- Looked really nice!!)
Gintoki: I knew you could do it. Today we'll have a victory party.
Shinpachi: You know, something about your tone of voice has been annoying the hell out of me. What's going on? Are you making fun of me?
Hijikata: Hmph…
If you ask me, you've still got a long way to go. But it seems like you'll be going looking a bit better light than before.
Shinpachi: WHY ARE YOU GUYS MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF ME BURNING ONE INCESE?! HOW INCOMPETANT DID YOU GUYS THINK I WAS?!!
Gintoki: Look. The heartless old man’s face has lightened up a little bit…
Maybe if we keep this up, we can get out of this funeral with no problems?
Kagura: Okay. I will go now.
Gintoki: Kagura, do it just like Shinpachi!! Don't mess up!!
(Sfx- Zun zun *tmp tmp*)
Kagura: You can leave it to me. I have got it perfectly memorized.
Um…the first is…
{1) To take one bow to the bereaved family and the monk.}
Kagura: To take one blow Unexpectedly to the monk!!
Shinpachi: YOU STARTED OFF COMPLETELY WRONG!!
(Sfx- Dooon *TOK*)

013
{2)Then sit in front of the altar and put your hands together to pray before the portrait.}
Kagura: YAY!
Now family, together with me!!
Monk: Y---yay…
(Sfx- gashaaaaa *crasssh*)
Gintoki: IT'S NOT YAY AND SINGING TOGETHER!! AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO ALONG WITH THIS MONK-SAN!! YOU CAN SLEEP THERE, MONK-SAN!!
{3) Take the rosary in the left hand, and a pinch of incense powder in the right and push some out on your brow. Then drop it into the incense burner. Do this three times.}
(Sfx- Dasudasudasu *tok tok tok*)
Gintoki: MOOOOOONK!!!
{4) Then finally, place your hands together to pray one more time and take a bow to the family.}
(Sfx- Goho geho *cough cough*)
Kagura: Yay!
Monk: Y—Yay…
Gintoki: MOOOOOONK!!
Kagura: It is something like this, yes?
Gintoki: WHAT SHINPACHI IN WHAT UNIVERSE WERE YOU WATCHING?! WHO THE HELL SAID TO TAKE THE MONK'S HEAD AND DRIVE IT STRAIGHT DOWN INTO THE POWDER!!?
Kagura: Well my legs felt numb from kneeling so...
Gintoki: Your legs had nothing to do with it! The part that went numb was your head!!
Crap! The old man’s gone and got pissed off again…!!
WHY IS HE USING THE MONK’S HEAD AS AN ASHTRAY?! DO YOU HATE THE MONK TOO?!

014
Hijikata: The monk sacrificed his own body to taking the whole curse himself!!
Gintoki: Anyway, let's just avoid making the old guy any angrier. What do we do now? We've already added one corpse to the funeral!
Hijilkata: No, you're wrong!!! Don't joke about stuff like that! Now's a time to be serious!! Seriously, stop!!
Let's just think the blessed monk got that way because of some funeral rite.
If we act now, we can fix this funeral.
We just add one thing to the flow-chart.
{1) Bow once to the family and the monk.}
{2) Resuscitate the monk.}
{3) Go to the incense.}
{4) And once again turn to the family of the deceased and bow.)
Okita: I guess I’m up next.
Hijikata: Sougo!!
Are you sure you can do this? Can I trust in you?! Will this be okay?!
(Sfx- Zun zun *tmp tmp*)
Okita: Yeah, I’m good.
(Sfx- Zaa *sff*)
Okita: I just need to do what the flow-chart says, right?
{1) With a bow, give the family a shaved head.}
(Sfx- Basaa *sfft*)
Hijikta: NOOOOO!! COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY WROOOONG!!!

015
Hijilata: HOW MUCH DID YOU MESS WITH THE FLOW CHART?!! YOU GUYS HAVEN'T GOTTEN THROUGH ONE STEP FROM THE VERY BEGINNING, HAVE YA?!
ENOUGH ALL READY, FORGET THE INCENSE BURNING, JUST REVITALIZE THE MONK AND GET OUT OF THERE!!
(Sfx- Fasaaa *Fwap*)
Hijikata: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO REVITALIZE?!!
WHO EVER SAID TO GO AND RESTORE THE MONK'S HAIR?!!
HE'S NO DIFFERENT FROM BEFORE! YOU JUST STUCK A WIG ON A CORPSE!!
Okita: No, I made his expression more carefree and peaceful.
Hijikata: Aww, I’m sure the monk will appreciate that. MY ASS!!
He’s completely pissed now dammit!
(Sfx- Sshuboo fwoop*)
(Sfx- Bofuuu *fwoosh*)
Hijikata: The monk isn't gonna be able to endure this curse by himself for long!!
(Sfx- Bata bata *clomp clomp*)
Gintoki: Stop! Please! I can’t bear to see the monk in pain!!
Hijikata: Okay, for now, let's make rescuing the monk our top priority.
Let's change it to "Resuscitate the monk" -> "bow the the family and the monk".
Gintoki: Hold on! Some body else has passed on!!
One of the family.
Hijikata: HE DIED BECAUSE THE WIG WAS REMOVED?!?

016
Hijikata: What kind of weak mental state was he in?!
More like, isn't he being completely ignored by the rest of the family?! Are they pretending not to notice the wig?! Is that their idea of kindness?!
Kondo: I guess there's no way around it. Let's make it "Resuscitate the family member and the monk" -> "Bow as well as apologize to the monk and the family."
(Sfx- Zatsu *Swiff*)
Kondo: If this keeps up, the old guy will never get a proper burial.
I’ll take responsibility for fixing this whole mess.
Hijikata: Kondo-san!!
Kondo: Pay attention you guys. I’ve been to a few funerals in my years, and I’m pretty familiar with how this incense burning thing goes.
First, we revive the monk!!
(Handwritten- Would you please read the sutra here?)
Hijikata: That's just the bald family member!!
Kondo: Now the family member’s revival!!
(Handwritten- Sorry for the trouble.)
(Sfx- Pasaa *fwfff*)
Hijikata: THAT'S THE BEREAVED FAMILY MEMBER'S BEREAVED FAMILY MEMBER!!

017
Kondo: Now the wooden fish.
(Sfx- Poku poku *dong dong*)
Hijikata: PLEASE MR. MONK!! FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO FORGIVE US!!
Gintoki: WOULD YOU GUYS KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!! YOU'RE JUST MAKING THIS SITUATION WORSE AND WORSE!!
The only one who hasn't changed the whole time is the monk! All that's happened is his position's changed slightly!! Ya haven't done one good thing for him!!
(Sfx- Poku poku *dong dong*)
Hijikata: And what's with that family member? Why's he just acting as he's told and doing that to the monk?!!
Kondo: Maybe the shock of being hit in the head has made him lose his memory?
Hijikata: That might be true if it weren’t something IN his head that was the problem, but ON it.
Gintoki: HOLY CRAAAP!! THE POPS HAS LOST IT NOW!!
With the monk he liked to mess with taken away, too, he's totally infuriated!!
(Sfx- Gogogogogogo *rmmmmmble*)
Gintoki: I-I-I... I don't know!! I don't care anymore!! I don't care about trying to be tactful about this, I'm just gonna do whatever the hell I want!!
(Sfx- Dodadadadada *tpmtpmtpmtp*)
Hijikata: Get yer ass back here!! You aren’t getting away alone!!

018
Shinpachi: H—hey! Wait, you two!!
Gin-san, the funeral isn’t over---
(Sfx- Futsu *pff*)
(Sfx- Doshaaaa *thud*)
Gintoki: Sh---
Shinpachi?
(Sfx- Dosaa *thud*)
(Sfx- Dosaaa *Thud*)
???: Oh my! What do you think happened?

019
(Sfx- Fuwa fuwa fuwa fuwa *flitter flitter filtter*)
{The funeral service is now over.}
{Please say your last goodbyes before the carrying out of the coffin for the funeral procession.---------}
{He…}
{HE TOOK THEIR SOULS HOSTAAAAAAAGE!!!}
(Side text- Let’s departure!!)
GINTAMA LESSON 316………………..END.