Gintama 317

Probably the most disgusting thing I've ever translated. (Thumbs up.)

Summary of last time: The Shinsengumi and the Yorozuya ran into each other at the funeral of the old man who ran a set-meal shop. During the ceremony they all thought was normal, Gintoki and Hijikata bore witness to the ghost-like form of the old man. They quivered in fear at the old man as a cool-headed poltergeist whom passed judgement on those who disrupted his own funeral. The two good-for-nothings tried to manage to have the funeral continue without any delay, but it got all messed up with their comrades light incense, inviting the anger of the old man. The two tried to run away and abandon the whole thing, but the old man took Shinpachi and the others hostage by taking out their souls.)
SORACHI HIDEAKI
Lesson 317: Take Two Looks at Ukon Tea
(TN- A pun on how the word 'ukon' looks like 'unko' (poop.)
GINTAMA
(Side text- The souls of Gintama have departed!!)
(Bottom text- You can read manga for free on ‘Treasure Island 2010!’-opening this year!! More details are on page 22!!)
Guy: Hey, um…are those people you came with okay?
Gintoki: ...Ah, they're fine. Their legs fell asleep from kneeling so long. Haha...
Guy: You say that their legs fell asleep, but their eyes are whited out….
Uh yeah, their eyes are always like that, they're a sly bunch.
They’ll be fine after some rest, so please don’t worry about them.
(Sfx- chira *glance*)

002
(Sfx- Kuru kuru *spppnnn*)
Gintoki: I... I can't believe he even stole their souls...
This ain't a joke anymore... This isn't funny old man...
Hijikata: Speaking of which, are those REALLY their souls...?
Gintoki: There's no mistaking it. One of those little things has glasses!!
Hijikata: Speaking of which, why would even his soul have glasses?
Gintoki: It's not that his soul has glasses, but that his soul IS his glasses!
Hijikata: H—holy….We've got to get them back!
If this keeps up, we’re going to have bodies for friends, forever!
Gintoki: H... How are we supposed to get them back?

003
Hijikata: Looks like our trying to run away didn't sit well with him.
Guess we've gotta be part of this funeral to the end. I'm sure if the funeral procession goes perfectly and he goes to heaven then..........
Gintoki: This is some kind of joke right?! If we screw this up, he’ll take our souls too!
And if we join the white-eyed brigade, It’s ‘The End’!!
Hijikata: Ch... Chill out. They're even done nail the coffin in now, too.
which means the funeral won’t take much longer.
All we have to do is patiently be calm and inconspicuous and it'll be fine.
We just need to avoid getting the old man angry until then.
Get it? Don’t do anything unnecessary. In fact, it might be even better to just not move from our seats.
Another guy: And now, we’d like to continue the procession by taking the casket outside.
If it's not too much trouble, would the men please give us a hand?
Someone: If I remember right, the relatives take the head.
Guy: Mitsuko-san, My deepest apologies, but my waist has been acting up lately…
If only we had some youngun’s around to help us….?
Hey!
Gin-san, Hijikata-san, I hate to bother you two,
But would you mind helping us take the coffin outside?

004
(Sfx- Bokyaaaah *crraaaaack*)
(Sfx- Bakiyaaaah *dsssssh*)
Hijikata: Sorry, I'd love to but I've dislocated my left arm.
(Sfx- Puraaan *fwobble*)
Gintoki: I'm very sorry, m'am, but as you can see, my arm is broken.
Lady: Oh, I see. Of course you can't, then. I'm sorry.
(Sfx- Munzuuu *squeeze*)
(Sfx- Paaan *splat*)
(Sfx-Neri neri neri *kneeed kneed*)
Gintoki: Now that I think about it, it's was just my imaginatioooon!!
We’re here to serve aren’t we? Hijikata-kun!!
(Sfx- Zazazazzaz *sshhhhhh*)
Hijikata: Yeah~~!! In fact, we've been wanting to try carrying a casket since for a long time!! Right, Sakata-kun?!

005
Hijikata: Th—this is baaaadd…..
I dunno if I can do thiiiiis!! My left arm is totally dislocated!!
Gintoki: The hell! I broke my arm so bad that I can SEE it. Oh and let’s not forget the pain. The searing paiiin!
Moreover, are those guys going to be okay?! He's really kneading up those souls, he's stirring them around like flour!!
Guy: All right Hijikata and Sakata-san, you guys hold the leg end.
Gintoki: There’s no other choice but to do this with one arm!! Get ready!!
Guy: On the count of three.
Hijikata: Don't mess up! If we drop the coffin, we're both dead!!
Gather all of the strength you have into your right arm!!
(Sfx- Gooooooooo *ooooooraaaah*)
(Sfx- Gagoooooooon *THOOOM*)
Guys: WAAAAAAAAAAITTTT!!! WHAT KINDA RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF POWER ARE YOU PUTTING ON THIIIIIS?!!
(Sfx- Doooooon *Thooom*)
(Sfx- Gabaaa *bloorsh*)
(Sfx- Batabata *crkkkck*)
Someone: Unclllle!! Uncle's caught underneath iiiit!!

006
Someone: Inside, Pops is pulling of an incredible trick!!
He’s so bent over, that his legs are sticking out!! It’s like a scene from the exorcist!!
Quick! Put him back! Someone put him back!!
(Sfx- Hwawaaa)
(Sfx- Doooon *slaaaam*)
Someone: DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT RESTRAINT MEANS?! YOU SMACKED HIM TOO HARD AGAIN!!!
He’s flown out here!!
The "THAT" we've been talking about has popped out of the casket!!
Hijikata: CRAAAAP!! STICK HIM BACK IN! HURRY UP!!
Gintoki: He... he's all stiff, he won't go back in!!
Someone; HEEEY!!! STOP IT!! DON’T JUST SHOVE THE OLD GUY IN…!!
Gintoki: NGOOOH!!
(Sfx- Jijijijij *grnnnd*)
(Sfx- Mekimeki *throb throoob*)
Someone:Stooooppit! You're just stepping on him now!! This has become EXTREMELY sacreligiouuuus!!
(Sfx- Gogoooo *hoooom*)
Gintoki: I got it!! He’s back in now!

007
Gintoki: I think?
Someone: GAAH!! NOW HIS FOOT IS STICKING OUT?! WHAT IS THIS?! CAN'T THE OLD MAN GET IN SYNC WITH THE RIVER STYX PROPERLY?!
Hjikata: It'll be fine! We'll have him back to normal in no time.
Someone: Let me tell you this buddy, There’s nothing ‘fine’ about what’s going on here!!
(Sfx- Baki bochi baki *dook doof doof*)
Gintoki: It’s in!
This time for sure we…
(Sfx- Zubooooo *THOOM*)
Someone: NOW SOMETHING DIRTY HAS POPPED OUT!!
Hey!! What's going oooon?!
Gintoki: Old guy’s probably got rigor mortis…hey, but that’s no big deal right?! Don’t worry! We’ve got this handled!
Someone: Hey, does rigor mortis even make that sorta place hard?!
In fact, how the hell can it come out from that direction?! What the hell's happening inside?!
Hijikata: Hey, LOOK AT THAT!!
He’s cutting their souls into soba!!
Gintoki: GAHHHH!!!

008
Gintoki: No time to waste then!! Let’s take this box outside immediately!!
(Sfx- Dododododo *tmtpmtpmtpmp*)
Guys: Hey! Hold on a minute!! What are you doing to…
(Sfx- Kasuuun *tonk*)
Gintoki: Ugh!! We aren’t moving!! What the hell is going on here, Dammit?!
(Sfx- Gishii gishiii *grnnd grinnnd*)
Guy: You're caught! That incredible thing is caaaaaught!!
Gintoki: GRAHHH! I WON’T GIVE UP!!
Guy: WAIT! PLEASE JUST WAAAAAAIT!!!
(Sfx- Meki meki *grnnnd grnnnd*)
Guy: It’s going to break!!
Lady: Gin-san, Hijikata-san, please wait…
You should maneuver the corner with more discretion.
Guy: Yeah! The old lady is right!
Lady: First of all, don't force anything. Now just break there for a second, turn this way and come back in.
That’s right! We have to honor the dead!!

009
Lady: And now we break.
Someone: WHAT KIND OF BREAK DID YOU MEAN, MISSSSSSS?!!
(Sfx- gotsu *thok*)
(Sfx- Bokiiii *craaaaaaaaaack*)
Someone: YOU BROKE HIS PRECIOUS THING OFF IN ORDER TO TURN THE CORNER MA'AAAAAAAAM?!
(Sfx- Pokiiiii *craaaaaack*)
Lady: With this nasty thing off, you should be able to get by with no problems. Hmm? A nail popped loose?
(Sfx- Gang an gan *thok thok thok*)
Someone: MAAAAAAM!! DO YOU HAVE SOME GRUDGE AGAINST HIM?! OR SOME GRUDGE AGAINST THAT THING?!
Lady: URAHHHHH!!!
(Sfx- Dogoooon *THOOOK*)
(Sfx- Doshaaaaaaa *CRAAASH*)
Someone: THE MONK FELL OUUUUUT?!
WHY WOULD THE MONK BE IN A PLACE LIKE THAAAAT?!

010
Someone: Who was it?! WHO PUT THE MONK IN A PLACE LIKE THAAAAT?! THERE'S A LIMIT EVEN TO BAD JOKES!!
And wait, was that thing that broke off before actually the monk's thing?!
So now the monk's got the monk-shave down there too, doesn't he?!
(Sfx- Gang an *tok tok*)
Someone: Now we're caught on the monk and can't get through!!
Lady: Then, let's break.
(Sfx- Gotsu *TOK*)
(Sfx- Gokiiiiii *DSSHHHHH*)
Someone: DON’T BREAK THE MOOOOONK!!! MA’AM, BREAKING THE MONK IS A NO-NO!!
Lady: Now we should be able to get through….oh wait, another nail is loose.
(Sfx- Gaan gaaan *thoook thoook*)
Someone: MOOOOOOONK!!!
(Sfx- Gashaaaaa *DSHHHHHH*)
Someone: GAHHHHH!! NOW POPS HAS FLOWN INTO THE AIIIR!!!
POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPS!!!!!
(Sfx- Gorogorogoro *Roooooool*)
(Sfx- Gata goto *tok thouuud*)

011
(Sfx- Dogoshaaaa *CRAAASH*)
(Sfx- Buuun buuun *fwiiip fwiiip*)
Truck driver: Thanks, see you again.
(Sign- Fish store.)
(Sfx- Burororororo *vrmmmmmm*)
(Sfx- Guu guu *grmmmble*)
(Sfx- Pichaa pichaa *splooosh sppolllsh*)

012
(Sfx- Kyuuraaaa *REEEEEE*)
(Sfx- Doooon *THOOOM*)
Gintoki: FASTER!! BECOME LIKE THE WIND DAMMIT!!!
(Handwritten: Dammit, they're going at full speed!)
(Sfx-ooooooooooo *fwooooosh*)
Monk: How many dishes, three, sun visor, synthesizer…
Hijikata: An officer of the law can’t go ignoring speeding restrictions!!
Gintoki: Is this the time to be spouting self-righteous BS?! If anything happens to that corpse we're totally done for!!
Hijikata: I ALREADY KNOW THAT!! Now shut the hell up, I can't concentrate!!
Gintoki: We've caught up with them!! They still haven't noticed the old man even though he's sticking out of the carrier!!
Hijikata: CRAPPP!! THAT’S FRIGGIN DANGEROUS!! IF THE WIND BLOWS HE’LL FALL RIGHT OUT!!
HEY! PULL OVER!! THERE’S AN OLD GUY CAUGHT IN YOUR CARRIER!!!
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!
Oh for godssakes, he's listening to his iPod!! When this is over I'm booking that guy for traffic law violations!!

013
Gintoki: GRAAMPS! He’s reached the limit over there!!
(Sfx- Biri biri *riiiip*)
Gintoki: Get the car close!! I'm gonna go get him back myself!!
Grab my legs granny!!
Lady: Okay!!
(Sfx- GOOOOOO *RMMMMBLE*)
Gintoki: Just a little bit more!!
(Sfx- guui *siwff*)
(Sfx- Zuoooo *zzzzhhhhh*)
Gintoki: Geh! I accidently pushed him inside!!
Hijikata: What the hell was that for, assbreath?!
(Sfx- Zuooooo *ERRRT*)
Gintoki: Hey look, something’s coming out!!
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!
Gintoki: It's the old man's came flying out agaaaaaain!? HOW IN THE BLUE HELL DID IT GET THERE?! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON INSIDE THERE?!!
Hold on a second! I may be desperate, but I wouldn’t want someone tugging on my junk!! I can’t do this!!
Old lady, can you switch with me?! I'll support your legs.
Pops is... er rather, sonny is counting on you!!
Lady: Um…

014
Lady: Which one?
GintokI: Um…what are those?
I mean... they tend to lengthen and shrink a lot, but...
did it divide... or something....?
WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' OOON?! THERE ARE COUNTLESS ***** GROWING OUT OF THAT TRUUUUCK!!
HOW THE HELL MANY OF THOSE **** DID THE OLD MAN GROOOOW?! HOW GREEDY WAS THAT GUY?!!
Hijikata: No, that's cargo that was stacked in the truck in the first place.
Gintoki: Stacked there in the first place?! What're you saying that truck is carrying?!!
Hijikata: They're the planet Seefuud's trademark product, Chikon Shellfish!!
TL Note: Chikon is an anagram for "chinko" meaning penis.
To the uninitiated, it looks similar to the shape of a certain male anatomy, but they're actually an incredibly valuable top-class delicacy.
Gintoki: It's not so much a delicacy as penicacy, is it? What an incredible cover for it to hide in!! Well maybe not that covered!!
Hijikata: His load probably collapsed and now they're sticking outside!!
This is really, really bad! Now there's no way we can figure out which is the old mans' ****!!
Gintoki: No…
We can.

015
Gintoki: Granny, you can.
Lady: Huh?
Gintoki: If it's you, who's seen pops' *** hundreds, no, thousands of times, then...........
I'm sure you'll be able to find the real one!!
Lady: B—but I…
Gintoki: Believe in yourself!
Lady: But…
Gintoki: BELIEVE IN YOUR HUSBAND’S ****!!
Hijikata: What does it even mean to believe in his ****?
Gintoki: You said it yourself, didn't you, granny?! Instead of stuff like tears, you wanted to send the old man off with smiles!!
At a time like this, no one can smile, all we can do is cry!
Hijikata: Well, I think if some totally strangers saw this, they might be crying with laughter.
Gintoki: You can still give him the most badass funeral that he’s ever seen!!
That's the one thing we, the living, can do for the ones that have passed on!!
Lady: Okay... I'll try.
I can't be fooled by the information from my vision.
I can't count on my eyes... Feel it, Mitsuko. With all five of your senses.
I’ve got to think hard about the scent of that ***** ******
Hijikata: What incredible unadulterated things she's saying!! Though I don't really want to hear that!!
(Sfx- Katsu *sheen*)
Lady: THERE!!

016
Lady: ORAHHHHHHH!!!
(Sfx- Gotsuuu *THOOOOK*)
Gintoki: SO WHY ARE YOU BREAKING IIIIIIT?!!
(Sfx- Bakiiii *craaack*)
Lady: ORAHHHH!!!
RAHHHH!!!
Gintoki: LADY!!! TO WHAT EXTENT DID YOU SPITE YOUR HUSBAND'S *****!!
STOP IT!! YOU HAVE TO CALM DOWN!!
(Sfx- Bakii bokii *craaack crack*)
(Sfx- Guraa *graaab*)
Hijikata: No way…..
Gintoki: AUGHHHHH!!!
(Sfx- Gatsu *Grabbb*)

017
(Sfx- Zuboboooo *thoook*)
Hijikata: HE CAME OOOOOUT!!
POPS CAME OOOOOUT!!
Gintoki: GAHHHH!!! I WANT TO LET GO SO BAD, BUT I CAAAANT!!!
(Sfx- Nigiii *grabb*)
Gintoki: OLD BAAAAT!!! WHAT ARE YOU GRABBING DOWN THERE?!
(Sfx- Gooooooo *foooooosh*)
Hijikata: Just hold on!!! I’m pulling the car over!!
Gintoki: OWOWOWOWOWWO!! IT'S GONNA COME OFF!! BOTH POPS' AND MINE ARE GONNA COME OOOOOFF!!
(Sfx- Meki meki *throb throb*)
(Sfx- Zuooooo *fnoooosh*)
Gintoki: I can't... hold on...
(Sfx- Kikiiii *screeeeeee*)

018
(Sfx- Fukuuu *grab*)
{Boss Yorozuya…}
{Boss Hijikata…}
{I knew you two were good people.}
{Thank you. For this funeral}
{where you held back your tears.}
{Now, without any pain or reluctance,}
{I can leave this place with peace of mind.}
{Sorry for scaring you so much.}
{Mitsuko,}
{And the rest of you guys deserve my deepest apologies.}
{I wanted to…}
{Do one last thing for my best friends….}

019
{And serve you food…}
{That was literally cooked up with my heart and soul.}
Gintoki: Pops, that bastard….
I was wondering about what he was doing leading up to his death... So he was making something like this?
Hijikata: Talk about a man with weird hobbies…
Even if you weren't worried, you couldn't have anyone... cry or anything at your funeral.
Both: Tears are
things to be cried... when eating... delicious food.
(Sfx- Zuru zuru zuru zuru *slirrrp slirrp slirrip*)
Gintoki: It sure is good but…
Ugh…
UGHAHHHHHHHHH!!!
(Side text- He’ll always be in our thoughts!)
GINTAMA LESSSON 317…………..END.