Gintama 335

I have the flu. My body hurts. My sinus is waging war with the rest of my body. And I'm still here translating, because I have no life, am lazy, and are behind on every project I have. On the day after Christmas, in the dark alone. I'm going to die with a keyboard under my fingers, and burn in hell like the fat spare tire I am. I'm sure of it. Also for now on...

HI WA MATA NOBORU SCANS ONLY

Thank you.

(Last time on Gintama: Gintoki and the gang headed to the public bath only to run into Hedoro and his family. The guys intended to leave the public bath peaceably, but then Kondo got caught on Hedoro's dad's ball sack by accident. However Gintoki's quick thinking managed to rise to the occasion and allow the guys to weather the crisis.)

(Side text- Baths are exciting!)

GINTAMA

(Side text- Gintama's anime returns to the airwaves April 2011!! On January 8th, JUMP NEXT goes on sale!! Said magazine will have a commemorative cover to celebrate the anime returning! Don't forget, volume 37 is out in stores everywhere!!)

Shinpachi: Uh, no...there's still quite a crisis here...

What are we going to do about that?

They're going to see right past that disguise...

The dad's bOll sack is being dragged about...

(Sfx- Zuru zuru draaag draaaaag)

Shinpachi: We should just apologize before they find out the truth....

Gintoki: So let me get this straight. You want us to apologize for nearly drowning their dad, and stretching his bOll sack beyond recognition?

Look at that demonic family, do you think they're NOT going to kill us if we say that?

We'll just have to believe in him for now.

I'm sure that he's already got a way to get us over this crisis.

002

Gintoki: Now I'll just head home and pray that his efforts don't go in vain...

(Sfx-Washih dff)

Hijikata: Hold up!

You're talking like this is all over, but in truth you're just trying to escape!!

Kondo-san's ass is still on the broiler here! How are you going to take responsibility for this?

Gintoki: What the hell are you talking about? I didn't stick his hand on the old dude's ball sack, he did that all by himself.

Hedoro: Oh my, are we having a disagreement?

Let me guess, forgot your shampoo did you?

Don't argue, I'll gladly let you use my Timote.

(Sfx- Zuuuuun doooom)

GINTAMA
Lesson 335: Camilla, Vidal Sassoon, and Timote are all the same as they wash down your back.
SORACHI HIDEAKI.

Gintoki: Ah..N—no, I like Camilla best...

Hijikata: And I like Vidal Sassoon...

But I'm feeling a little woozy, so I'm going to leave the bath for a while.

Hedoro: Oh? Done washing your body?

Could it be that our family is bothering you?

Hijikata: It's nothing like that...

Hedoro: I'm so sorry, You did say that this bath was reserved, and yet we just barged in.

Please allow us to wash your backs...

Before we leave, so that we don't continue to overstay our welcomes.

(Sfx- Giraaaaa glaaaaare)

003

{They're going to get even for surrrrrrre!!}

{They're totally not going to leave until they get their revenge on us!!}

Hedoro: Jirou, Saburou, Shirou, Gorou....

Let us all wash our backs.

Gintoki: Nonononononono!!

We're cool, seriously! We can wash our own backs!!

(Sfx- Zahhh doooom)

Okita: Seriously, if some other guy touches my back I'm gonna beat 'em down.
Gintoki: Do you think you could stop saying dangerous crap for a minute?! This isn't a sadist convention!!

Hedoro: But it wouldn't feel right to leave you all like this..

Kondo: Yeah, let's at least let them wash our backs.

{YOU NEED TO SHUT THE HELL UP, BALL SACK GEEZER!!}

{This is our chance to get out of here, and you're squandering it, dumbass Gorilla!!}

Hedoro: All right then father, let me wash your back...

Please tell me if I’m scrubbing too hard.

Kondo: This is so nostalgic, I remember when you used to wash my back when you were a kid..

004

Hedoro: Yes, haha...and you used to get so angry when I didn't do it hard enough...

Humph!

(Sfx- Bariii riiiiiip)

(Sfx- Dopaaaaah blooorsh)

Hedoro: DAAAAAAAAAD!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!

Jiro: His back has peeled off, hasn't it Big bro Hedoro-san...

Hedoro: Really? Dad has the thickest back between all of us! He loved to have it washed this way!

When did his skin become so weak?

I'm beginning to think that this isn't Dad at all....

Gintoki: No! It has to be...uh...um....that!! Yeah!

The soap! It's Earth soap, maybe his skin couldn't handle contact with the soap?!

Hedoro: Really? Though would soap really cause this much blood to spurt out?

(Sfx- Bushiiii bloooorsh)

Gintoki: Well, yeah! It's pretty strong stuff! If you're not careful this is what'll happen!!

Hedoro: I see, well I'm sorry father.

Gintoki: S—so that's why we should just wash our own backs, right?

Hedoro: Huh?

Gintoki: Us earthlings have our own way of washing down, so you should just leave this to us, please!

005

(Sfx- Kapoon dploop)

Hedoro: You earthlings are certainly nice people!

We interrupt your private bath, and yet you offer to scrub our backs....

Thank you so much, I would have never expected such kindness...My family and I will have to find a way to thank you, somehow.

Gintoki: N—not a problem. We get our fill just helping people out.

Hijikata: Heeeeeeey!! How the hell did we get into this?!

Gintoki: If we let them wash us, they'll rip our backs open!!

Hijikata: Oh, I'm SO sure that us peeling their backs is less dangerous?

Shinpachi: But Hijikata-san, have a look at Kondo-san! Do you really want to end up like him?

Hedoro: You should at least try to join in with us Dad, this seems to be an Edo custom..

Everyone, how about we encourage him to join in?

Shinpachi: See?

(Sfx- Gaku gaku shiver shiver)

Hijikata: Yeah...wash delicately isn't in these guy's vocabulary....Kondo-san's body is in tatters...

You'd better not screw this up. You got us into this, so get us out.

Gintoki: No helping it....All right, everyone pay attention to me.

First thing to keep in mind is gentle rinsing.

Since earth soap is a bit on the strong side,

The sponge we use has to be strong too, to keep from scratching up the body.

So we wash off the sponge in water mixed with lotion...

(Sfx- Shaka shaka shaka)

Hijikata: WHAT KIND OF BATH IS THAT?!

You're just being wishy-washy! Listen, just do it like a normal bath all right?! What are you going to wash like that?!

Gintoki: I'm not being wishy-washy! Don't mistake me for some kind of pervert!!

Look, I just want to soften up the water and soap so that we don't end up scratching the crap out of each other!

Hijikata: What do you mean 'soften up?!' If it's your brain you're talking about, it's soft enough already!

Okita: You like this too, don'tcha prez?

Hijikata: He's already sliming him!!

(Sfx- Numaaaa ooooooze)

Okita: Huh?

Smoke's coming out for some reason.

(Sfx- Pusu pusu fwoooo)

007

Jiro: GUAAAAAAAAH!!!

I'm being fried aliiiiiiiiiiiive!!!

What is that stuff you on meeeeeeee?!!

Shinpachi: What the hell?! He looks like he's in pain, Gin-san!!

(Sfx- Gyaaaaaaah Guwaaaaaaaah)

Okita: Boss, this is kind of bad. It looks like lotion is their weak point.

It boils their skin, and stuff.

(Sfx- Nugoaaaaaaaaaa)

Gintoki: WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

They're weak to lotion?! Although, I guess men in general have lotion issues...

Hedoro: Um, Yorozuya-san, everyone seems to be in pain...is this okay?
(Handwritten- GYAHHH, My baaaaaaaaaaack! No more lotion pleaaaase!!)

Gintoki: IT'S FINE!!

Everything is cool! See, this pain is actually the death of the bacteria!

The more you rub the soap on, the more it dies off! This is the proof!

Hedoro: Really?

Gintoki: B—But I think it's about time we started washing this stuff off!

(Sfx- Datsu dashhh)

Gintoki: Hey! You guys get some water together!! We have to wash the lotion off!!

(Sfx- Ruuun fwsssh)

008

(Sfx- Gagoooooo THOOOM)

Hijikata: WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?!

(Sfx- Nuru nuru drrrip driiip)

Gintoki: Who was it?! Which one of you put the lotion on him?! I'll kill that bastard!!

Hijikata: It was YOU! You're the one who came up with this slimy-ass plan to begin with!

Okita: So we do this right Boss?

(Sfx- Doon THOOOM)

Gintoki: DON'T IMITATE THAAAAAAAT!!

Shinpachi: Hijikata-san!! There's no other way now!! If they find out we've been screwing around, they'll kill us!!

We have to make them think this is normal for Edo public bath etiquette!!

(Sfx- Gagaaan Thooom)

Hijikata: AS IF I CAN DO THAT!!

Shinpachi: If you don't, it's over for us!

Hedoro: Yorozuya-san, Is this really what one is supposed to do in the bath?

009

(Sfx- Sugoooo thoooom)

Hijikata: It's A-okay. This is how people brought up in Edo handle the water.

Hedoro: Seriously? You Edo raised earthlings are incredible.

Do you inflict this sort of pain upon yourselves every day when you bathe?

Hijikata: D—Damn straight! This is how a samurai prepares his soul for the day up ahead!!

Hedoro: You Samurai really are something...

I don't think I could handle this more than once...

{He's reached his boiling point!!}

{If this keeps up, Kondo-san and all of us are going to die!!}

{I don't have enough lives to leave things to those bastards!!}

Hijikata: A---All right, here I go...

{I'll just follow through this screw up...}

Hijikata: All right, first lets get this guy's head out of this wall and wash it...

{I....It's stuck..!!}

Hijikata: Ouuuut offf the waaaaaaaaaalllll!!!

010

(Sfx- Zuoooooo fwooooosh)

Hijikata: Got it!

(Sfx- Dosuuu thok)

Hijikata: Umph!!

(Sfx- Bushiiii bloooorsh)

Hijikata: As you can see,

The horn is supposed to pierce the forehead...

(Sfx- Doku doku throb throb)
{HE SCREWED UUUUUUP!!!}

{HIJIKATA-SAN COMPLETELY SCREWED UPPPPP!!}

Hedoro: Why on earth would you want to do that?

(Sfx- Dara dara dribble dribble)

Hijikata: T—this has all sorts of meanings, I couldn't go through them all here...

What? Oh right, you guys aren't used to the Edo way of doing things are you?

Gintoki: ….Yeah....no.

I'm not doing that. Ever.

011

Hijikata: What?

Gintoki: I've never once had to do that in an Edo bath.

{YOU ASSWIPE!! YOU'RE JUST GOING TO LEAVE ME HANGING WITH THIS SCREW UP?!}

{YOU CAN'T DO THAT!! WHY DO YOU THINK I'VE GONE WITH THIS FOLLOW THROUGH UP UNTIL NOW?!}

Hijikata: No, just think back man. You've done it before.

Gintoki: Nope, nothing's coming.

{YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO DO IT, DO YOU?! WELL GUESS WHAT?! YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT!! I REFUSE TO BE THE ONLY EXAMPLE HERE!!!}

Gintoki: Dude, no. Just stop. You messed up....there's no way an Edoite like me would do something so ugly.

{You've made me do worse!!}

Hedoro: Huh? This was an accident?

{Oh god, Hedoro head you!!}

Okita: Huh? Boss, are you saying you won't do it?

Well I guess maybe this is just a Shinsengumi thing....

{Sougo? You....you're going to help me out...?}

Okita: Pay attention. You have to aim for between the eyebrows.

HEEEEYAAAAAAH!!

(Sfx- Goh THOK)

{WHY MEEEEEEEEEE?!}

012

{I thought it was weird that YOU of all people would come and led me a hand....}

{If that's how you want it then...}

Hijikata: TAKE THIIIIIIIIS!!

(Sfx- Gannn THOK)

Okita: Hijikata-san, what are YOU doing?!

Shinpachi: What the hell are those two doing?! This is a public bath dammit!!

There's not going to be a part of their bodies that are clean after this is over!!

(Sfx- Gah goh gah tok thak thwok)

Shinpachi: Why are Hedoro's family members so easy to fool in the first place?!

Hedoro: I see! Well I'll join in on the fun with your Edo customs!

Though, with no horns, is this okay?

(Sfx- Doooon THOOOD)

{Gin-saaaaaaaan!! Kondo-saaaaaaan!!}

(Sfx- Dogagoooo thoooom)

Everyone: Ughhh!

Shinpachi: H---Hedoro-san! That's what a redneck would do! There's no need to follow their lead like that!!

Hedoro: Ah, I see...

013

Hedoro: Ah, thank goodness! I would hate for our precious horns to be broken.

Shinpachi: Horn?

Hedoro: Yes.

You see, to the Dakini clan, our horns are as important as our lives....

You could almost say that the horns are equal to our souls.

(Sfx- Ow...)

Hedoro: If our horn should become scratched, it's like polluting our soul.

{The Dakini's soul...}

{Has gotten stuck in the dirtiest place on the planet!!}

Gintoki: Get it out of there before he notices!!

(Sfx- Nugoooooo!!!)

(Sfx- Gui gui grnnd grnnd)

Hijikata: I can't! That sucker is in tight!!

Okita: Hijikata-san, Kondo-san's anal sphincter isn't an ordinary one! Leave this to me!

ORAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

(Sfx- Bokyaaaaa craaaaaaaaack)

Hijikata: WHY'D YOU BREAK IIIIITTTTTT?!

014

Hedoro: Saburo?! Oh-no! Your horns!!

(Sfx- Dodosuuu Thooook)

Gintoki: I fouuuund theeeeeeeem!!

Hedoro: Huh? But Saburo's horns are...

(Sfx- Bushiiiii blooooorsh)

Hedoro: Huh?

They're alive!

How strange, I could swear that they were broken just now..
Gintoki: You were just imagining things dude!

That was clooooooose!! I just made it by the seat of my ass!

Hijikata: No, it's the opposite! You just made it by the top of his head!!

Okita: Wow, that's awesome. Good job getting those horns out...

But wait...you didn't...

Gintoki: I borrowed Shirou's horns and gave 'em to Saburou.

Hijikata: THEN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAS CHANGED HAS IT?!

015

Hijikata: Saburou's horns were broken, and now Shirou's are too!

Okita: Guess we gotta 'borrow' Gorou's next.

Hijikta: IT'S ENDLESS!!

Gintoki: We take one from Jirou, and one from Gorou and give them to Shirou?

Hijikata: THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM AT ALL!! You're just making things marginally worse!!

(Top Arrow- Jirou)

(Bottom Arrow- Gorou)

Hijikata: So then what'll we do with Jirou and Gorou missing horns?!

Gintoki: Ask Rokurou.

Hijikata: WE CAN'T ASK SOMOENE WHO DOESN'T EXSIST!! GOROU'S THE LAST ONE!!

Hedoro: Hey, Saburo, Shirou, Dad...it's about time we stopped playing around before your horns are...

Hm? Shirou, your horns are....?

Hijikata: He's going to find out!! Do something!!

Gintoki: I FOUND THEEEEEEEM!!!

Hijikata: Saburou and Shirou have docked with one another!!

Hedoro: Um..no Shirou's horns are...

Huh? They're alive...?
Hedoro: Even with that said though, I'm pretty sure that Saburo and Shirou should have FOUR horns between them, rather than two....

Hijikata: HE KNOOOOWS!!

HE SAW RIGHT THROUGH IT!!! WHAT NOW?!

016

Okita: And this makes four.

(Sfx- Basaaaaaa fwaaaaaap)

Hijikata: HOW ARE THOSE HORNS?!

Hedoro: Ah, splendid! They're okay!

Hijikata: HOW ARE YOU FINE WITH THIS?!

Shinpachi: Those horns sure are....something.

Hijikata: If he's fine with THOSE horns, he should have no problem with the ones sticking out of his ass, right?!

Gintoki: Allrighty, let's just put everyone together, so we can wash their backs.

Hijikata: Forget washing their backs!! They scare me so bad that I don't want to be anywhere NEAR them!!

Hedoro: Is it okay to just throw them into the cold bath like this?

Gintoki: Yeah, just follow my lead.

(Sfx- Doshaaa bashaaa sploooosh)

Hijikata: Heey!! What happened to washing their backs?! You should have a look at yourselves! You look like a bunch of murderers disposing of evidence!!

017

(Sfx- Buku buku bubble ubble)

(Sfx- Nuuu gloop)

Hedoro: T—That's...

(Sfx- Zabaaa splisssh)

Hedoro: Dad's bOll sack!! It's floating to the surface!
Dad: NO! Who's a ball sack?!

Hedoro: Oh? So you've turned back into yourself, Dad?

So, how are you enjoying earth? Aren't you glad you traveled here with me? Isn't it fun?

Dad: How is this supposed to be fun?!

The wool's just bein' pulled over your eyes!

Gintoki: C—crap...he's totally mad..

Hijikata: M—Makes sense, he did get his bOll sack pulled around....

We're dead, mark my words, this is it!!

Hedoro: Oh... I see, I'm so sorry Dad...

I thought you'd like Edo for sure...

018

Dad: Hedoro...

We didn't come here to take advantage of family services you see...

We came...

To see how you're fairing here in Edo.

When you were a kid, you were always isolated because of the fearsome facade us Daikini have...

Even with that, you came to this faraway planet alone...

The wool might be getting yanked over your eyes...

And in my opinion, Edo's the worst place ever...

But that's beside the point...

Even an awkward guy like you has people here to depend on...

And I get a good feeling from these people, I'm glad to have met them.

Hedoro..

(Sfx- Zabaaah splissh)

Dad: You've got some good friends...
All of you...

Please continue to look out for our brother and son...

Hedoro: E---

Everyone...

019

Heodoro: Sniff...

Shinpachi: I'd say we've made a huge mistake here...

They're scary....

But they're a good family...

Gintoki: Sure, and we'll let them swim on their own this time...

It's a pool for family only.

Dad: W—wait a minute! We need to than--

Shinpachi: We don't need any thanks...

Dad: No please wait! We can't possibly go back now, it would be an embarrassment to call ourselves Hedoro's family!!

We still need to learn more of Edo's customs from you guys! Please teach us!!

(Handwritten- Huh?)

Hedoro: That's a good idea Dad! It wouldn't be good for us to return without learning the ways of Edo!!

All right then, all of you come back over here, and teach us how to wash our backs....Edo-style!!

Tae: You may have already forgotten...

Kagura: How we used to go to the public baths...

With our red hand towels and mufflers....You said that we will go together~

Tae: But you left me waiting~

My black hair still frozen to the roots~

Kagura: I shook the small soap container...

And it rattled...

Guys: GYAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(Sfx- Dogashaaaa kerkraaaaaaash)

(Side text- Bodies and souls are all refreshed!)

GINTAMA LESSON 335..............END.