Gintama 330

Better late than never.



001
GINTAMA
SORACHI HIDEAKI
Lesson 330: An Old Man's Heart is Surprisingly Soft

(Side text- Where's Daddy headed...?!)

???: Ooedo Hills has had an armed takeover by the criminal group calling themselves "Blue Sutou".

They've taken the people who have rented to hills out today as hostages.

The are famous Bakfu leaders and Kuriko-chan.

Somehow they got the intel that a celeb party would be going down here

(Sfx- Kiiii reee)

???: and some time ago hacked into this building's system.

Hijikata: Blue Sutou......? Huh. I remember now, those bastards planned to assassinate Tottsuan Matsudaira one time and ten-odd of their guys were arrested.

(TN- Tottsuan is an affectionate way of saying "dad" that the Shinsengumi use.)

(Sfx- Gachaaa clack)

Hijikata: They're here to demand the release of those members and also Tottsuan Matsudaira's head.

If we don't give into their demands in three hours, these guys are threatening to kill a hostage every thirty minutes...

How's the infiltration unit doing?

???: No good, they said that if we get within 30 meters of the building, they'll resort to killing the hostages.

The guys are using the hills' defense system somehow and have a radar net set around the building.

Even if a mouse gets in, they'll now.

002

???: Currently we're trying to hack the system, but

it's a top-class building with the newest security techniques setup in it, so

I would estimate it to take a little under 3 hours.

And even if we get through that, we've still got a steel tower standing in our way.

Hijikata: Damn...

I'll have to negotiate with them and buy as much time as possible.

Meanwhile, you guys try look for a different route to bust in through.

They really planned this out.

Most likely, they've got an escape route ready, too. Do a general scouring of any and all deserted building within 150 meters for an underground facility.

And Yamazaki,

Have you contacted Tottsuan?

Yamazaki: Well... We can't seem to find him anywhere.

And if we try to call him, we keep getting busy signals so we can't connect to him.

Damned old man....

What the hell is he doing at a time like this...?

(Sfx- Zuri zuri sfft sfft)

(Sfx- Zuri zuri sfft sfft)

003

Matsudaira: Hello? Ane-chan?

Sorry, but I'm not going to accompany you today... work's got me a little busy right now.

Right now? ...The air ducts in Ooedo Hills, but...

Huh? Am I working for Duskin co. now?

What're you talking about? The only "daskin" I'm doing is to you, Ane-chan.

TL Note: Duskin is a Japanese cleaning company. Matsudaira made a pun, "dasukin", a homophone to "Duskin" means "give money".

Ah, sorry, got another call.

I'll talk to you later, okay~?

Phone: Incoming Call
Nakasaki

Nakasaki: Ah!

I finally got through!! Is this the chief!!

Are you okay, Chief?!

Matsudaira: HOW THE HELL MANY TIMES DID YOU CALL ME, MOROOOON!?

(Sfx- Biri biri zzzt zzt)

Matsudaira: I'm in the middle of a terrorist's den, I can't be casually talking on the phone!! Don't you get anything?

Are you trying to terrorize the relationship between me and Ane-chan?!!

Nakasaki: I'd rather not be lectured about that by someone who calls a cabaret girl while he's inside a terrorist's haven, sir!!

004
Matsudaira: Listen, I'm just getting my affairs in order so I don't make the ladies left in this corrupt world upset.

All us guys need is to have our white funeral clothes ready for when we die. ...Now just sit tight while I call another 40 of 50.

Nakasaki: You're beyond dirty, you're totally pitch black with filth now!!

Moreover, do you really intend to take on the terrorists alone chief?

The police force is going to break in soon. Please don't be hasty.

(Sfx- Gacha clack)

Katsura: No, most likely there'll be no point in waiting.

Nakasaki: Ezurako-san!

Katsura: It seems that they're using hostages as shields against the police, so they simply can't get close to the building.

And on top of that, they have a radar net extending in a 30 meter radius around the building.

Nakasaki: Eh!? Then you and me just being here are...

Katsura: No need to worry, I've attached a mechanism to disrupt their radar for the area of this car.

Sir Matsudaira,

there is one on your present as well.

Nakasaki: Ezurako-san... you...

Katsura: I just happen to be acquainted with Edo's number one mechanical master.

Katura: They're planning on executing the hostages in three hours.

Their demand is the freedom of their comrades and Sir Matsudaira's head.

Matsudaira: .............

Three hours on the clock, eh?

Then I'll simply have to take their heads while mine's still attached.

005

Katsura: That's right.

Nakasaki: Ezurako-san!!

Katsura: Though you can't expect to defeat them if you recklessly go to take them on alone.

Let me help.

Matsudaira: !

Katsura: The mechanism on the present allows for us to get information on your current altitude.

And we're being sent information about the layout of the inside of the building. Leave back up to me.

Matsudaira: Ezurako.....

I've been under the impression that you're more than who you seem to be.

You're no ordinary maid are you?

Katsura: No, I'm just a maid

Who's a bit of a busybody.

{Anyhow, I was hoping something big would happen and,}

{as it turns out, not some scandal you're involved with, Sir Matsudaira.}

{Now show me, the power of the god of destruction...}

{No, the power of a father...}

006

???: How are negotiations going?

They're saying that in order to get permission to let our guys out of prison it's gonna take one day minimum, so they're asking to extend the time to make the trade.

Dude: Hmph, trying to buy time, are they?

Tell those guys that we're not delaying the execution time one minute.

But if they're thinkin' of trying to pull a fast one, we'll have to start the show early.

Guy: Got it.

Dude: Oh yeah, P.S.

We've already got Sir Matsudaira's head, so they don't need to worry about that.

Well, to be exact we don't have it yet, but it's only a matter of time.

He's snuck into this place alone to save his daughter now... like a moth to the flame.

Kuriko: There's no way he would come! That he won't! For me... that man wouldn't bother coming...

Dude: Calm down. You'll see him soon enough whether you believe it or not...

I'll decorate him with a blood red ribbon...

It'll be the biggest birthday blast you've ever had... so sit tight and look forward to it.

007

Katsura: Listen well, Sir Matsudaira...

They've got the hostages with them barricaded in the main control room on the top floor, the 50th floor.

Presently, you're on the 9th floor.

Starting with the sensors on the 10th floor, they have every floor packed to the rafters with security.

I'm sending the data to your phone now, so have a look.

Matsudaira: I see. So I'm this mark there on the 9th floor.

Nakasaki: Um... of all the things you could of chosen, why're you using this mark?

Katsura: Don't misunderstand. That is the top half of an ice cream cone.

Matsudaira: ..........

Katsura: And the three marks on the 10th floor are enemies.

...Wait, why do those guys have cones and I don't?

Katsura: Because it would be troublesome for the allies and enemies to have the same thing.

Matsudaira: Stick a cone on mine, too. I'm the kinda guy who likes to be left with a cone after slurping off all the ice cream.

Katsura: Understood, I'll setup a corn-shaped s*it in avatar for you.

Matsudaira: I said cone, not corn! And I'm fairly sure you just said shit, you admitted it!

Nakasaki: Um, does this really matter now, chief?

Katsura: Anyway, your goal is to reach the cones on the 50th floor without touching one of those ice cream cones.

Matsudaira: Any plans for me to do that?

Katsura: No need to worry. The high-powered sensor you have is giving me feed the enemies in real time as well.

Observe, you'll see the ice cream that have 'kurin' written beside them are turning left or right in a 'kurinkurin' sorta way.

(Sfx- kurin kurin kurin)

You don't want the other creams to see you. If that happens you're creamed. Simply put, you need to is to wait for a time where all three creams are facing the same direction, and then slip right past them...

These kurins indicate which direction the enemies are facing. When these three kurins turn to kurins in the same direction, the moment they kurin back in the opposite direction, go right past them...

???: That's so damn complicated!!

008

Nakasaki: It hurts trying to figure that out!! Why is it that of all the things you could've used you decided to make a critical piece of information like that appear as "kurin"!!

Katsura: I'd like to display something cute for use as something so bloodthirsty, of course.

Nakasaki: IS THAT REALLY NECESSARY?!

W-Wait!!

Chief! There's an ice cream above you taking an elevator down!!

(Sfx- Viiin veeen)

Matsudaira: What?

Nakasaki: It's kurin-kurinning around like crazy!! Is he confused or something?!

He's not getting off of the elevator, and it just passed the 10th floor...no way, he's heading to the 9th!! Did he notice you?!

Katsura: You have to run and hide quickly, Sir Matsuaira!

(Sfx- Chin)

Written: "Chin"...

Nakasaki: Hey look! IT really did stop on the 9th floor!! This is bad....!!

(Sfx- Zuh shfft)

Nakasaki: Eeh?!

Whaaaaaaaaat?! Wait a second!!

The ice cream cone split into two parts!! The cone is speeding along but the ice cream's staying put!? WHYYYY?!

Nakasaki: Is it not one ice cream cone per person then?!

What exactly does that function mean?

Katsura: What's going on at the scene now, Sir Matsudaira?!

Matsudaira: The elevator stopped, and one guy ran out. I have no idea where he went though.

Nakasaki: Wait chief!! There's still ice cream in elevator...

009

(Sfx- Puuun buzzz)

Matsudaira: Someone's just dropped a pair of dirty underwear on the elevator...

Nakasaki: It's just cause someone took leaked some poop in them, isn't it?!

Katsura: It appears that the ice cream cone are a display of the human and their poop.

Nakasaki: There are sensors that can pick out craaaaaaap?!

(Diagram: Top- Crap// Bottom- Human.)

Matsudaira: And why is my mark not the one for a human?!

Katsura: Hm, perhaps this person took the elevator down, looking for a bathroom, and unable to hold it any more, he ended up "sparking".

See, look there. That cone is quickly swelling up. He must be washing his behind.

Matsudaira: Are you sure he isn't just crying?

Nakasaki: Just how much does this sensor strip a person of their privacy?! At this point I can't even tell if it's high tech or just a piece of junk!

Matsudaira: Hang on, so from the 10th floor up, I thought it looked like it was full of enemies, but...

Nakasaki: They're pretty much all poop, ain't they?!

Katsura: At this point, we can't even tell which are humans and which are poop anymore.

The fiends. Is this a trap they setup to derail our plan?

Nakasaki: Of course not!!

Matsudaira: No... I think I know what's doing on here... When I destroyed the bathroom before the plumbing in the building probably got pretty messed up, too.

Now even if those guys relieve themselves, they can't flush.

Nakasaki: Aren't there still a few too many?! What's going on?! Are these guys really terrorists?!

010

Katsura: That notwithstanding, we may be able to use this.

Have a look at the sensor.

Nakasaki: Th-This is...

A huge amount of the ice cream cones are heading down the emergency stairwell!!

(Sfx- Zoro zor zoro zoro wob wob wob wob)

Katsura: It would be safe to say that these gents are the same as the last one we saw. They need a clean place to do their business, so they're headed downward.

Nakasaki: Just how bad do these guys need to take a crap?!

Katusra: At this point, the upper floors are all cleared out.

And on top of that, they're all using the stairs. So he can use the elevator to get all the way to the top floor at once!

Nakasaki: H-Hold on!!

What's that?!

(Sfx- Saaaa fwsssh)

Nakasaki: That cone! The cone from earlier is heading toward the elevator at an incredible speed!

No way, do you think they've figured us out?!

Katsura: No, now that he's composed himself, he's likely going to back the underpants that he tossed off in a panic in order to dispose of the evidence!!

(Sfx- Pih beep)

Katsura: Sir Matsudaira, hurry! The cone is returning to retrieve the underpants!!

Did he make it....?

(Sfx- Gagooon dsh)

Nakasaki: T---that's.......!!!

(Sfx- UIIIN)

The cone is clinging to the bottom of the elevator!!

011

Katsura: R-Ridiculous! Why is he being so stubborn about those underpants?!

You're definitely going to be discovered now!!

Nakasaki: Chief, be careful! That cone guy is coming!

Hey, uh, which one is the chief?! I can't tell him apart from the poop at all!!

(Sfx- Gasu gasu thok thok)

Nakasaki: Look at that cone!! It's using its pointy end to pierce its way through the floor!!

But wait a second, what exactly is that point?! This is just a representation by the sensor, right?! What the hell is going on?!!

(Sfx- Zugoshaaa crrraaaaaash)

Nakasaki: Oh nooooo!! The crap has been stabbed through by the cone!!

Chieeeeeef!! Wait, is that him?! Or is it the poop?! I can't even tell!! Which is it?!

Katsura: That cone bastard is trying to drag Sir Matsudaira down with him! Watch out, sir, or you're gonna faaaall!!

Wait! He got saved at the nick of tiiiiiii----?!!

(Sfx- Gashhi Graaab)

Nakasaki: WHT THE HEEEELLLL?!?!

Is that something besides an ordinary piece of crap?! Why'd an arm grow out of it?!

Katsura: No, I think that one might be Sir Matsudaira! Ah! And it looks like the cone couldn't hang in there and fell by itself!!

Nakasaki: Just how much did that guy want to protect his dirty pair of underpants?!

Katsura: Not good, it's one danger after another!

(Sfx- Zorozorozoro sneaksneaksneak)

Katsura: The pack of ice cream cones somehow seem to have noticed what's going on and are heading upwards, going after the elevator!!

012

Katsura: By the time he gets to the top floor, he's gonna be in the middle the wasp's nest!

Nakasaki: What should we do?!

Now the poops have split uuuup!!!

What the heck is going on?! Now the two of them are moving completely independently from each other somehoooow!!

Katsura: Sir Matsudaira!! Are you letting it go so it can take that mob on by itself?! Stop, it's too risky! Do you wanna get it killed?!

Nakasaki: What do you mean get killed?!! It's just crap and dirty underwear!! Why are you treating it like it's his partner?! What the heck is really going on up there anyway?!

Katsura: Look at that! The pack of ice cream cones has completely ignored the underpants and are heading straight for the 50th floor!!

Nakasaki: And it looks like they've contacted their guys on the 50th floor and they're waiting in front of the elevator to ambush him!!

He's like a trapped rat!!

(Sfx- Gacha gacha gacha gacha clk click click)

(Sfx- chn chun)

(Sfx- Gararara *raaatle*)

013

(Sfx- Dododooon thoooom)

Katsura: Th... The ice cream cones on the top floor is disappearing one after another!!

Could it be that that poop was a diversion...

and the real one is..

(Sfx- Do do do do do do thoom thoom thoom)

(Sfx- Doshaaaa thuuuud)

014

Matsudaira: Happy Birthday...

to you~

(Sfx- Waaaa kyaaaa)

Nakasaki: Now there are ice cream cones coming down one after another!! ...Are they the hostages...?

No way, could he have... all by himself... that entire gang of terrorists...

Katsura: No...

Not yet...

The cone guy...

is still there.

(Sfx- Zaaaan dooom)

015

Matsudaira: You've really blown it.

Losing both your precious underwear and men...

Dude: No... I'm actually grateful..

Now I can finish this without getting caught

(Sfx- Zeh hah zeh hah)

Dude: But she's the one who'd done wrong...

You finally made it to her party, but the birthday girl is asleep.

Matsudaira: Nah, I'm actually grateful.

(Sfx- Gacha clack)

Matsudaira: Now I can finish this without her having to see her cold-hearted dad's face.

Dude: Isn't your daughter's life important to you?

Matsudaira: If it weren't, do you think I'd have climbed up this tower with my knees trembling?

However, if a cop doesn't always consider the possibility of this kind of worst-case scenario, he's not fit to wear his badge.

Dude: So you're saying that you're choosing your duty as a cop

over your duty as a father?

Matsudaira: ...Honestly, with somebody using his daughter as a shield...

a guy who just stands there coolly isn't fit to be her father.

But a guy who wouldn't even raise his fist to a bastard who hurt his girl...

forget father... he's wouldn't even be a man.

016

Matsudaira: A dad's role is surprisingly limited.

I mean, with only a good mom, a kid can grow up well.

Dad just provides the money to the household. After that there's not much else he's useful for.

To be frank, we don't have much of a role.

If you're talking about what we can do...

there are the times where we did good and people praise us like crazy,

and the times where we did bad and get scolded for all we're worth......that's it.

I use this fist...

as the chief of the police is to act as the shitty dad for you, the brats of Edo. That is my role.

And my fist...

really hurts.

(Sfx- fuh)

{T----}

{Those areee!!}

{Those are...}

{My underwear agaaaaain?!!}

Matsudaira: Those underwear before? Were mine.

Let me give you some advice as a dad.....

017

Matsudaira: WHEN YOUR UNDERPANTS GET SMEARED WITH SHIT

WASH 'EM YOURSELF!!!

(Sfx- Goh THOK)

Katsura: It's really too bad...

After you worked so hard to get a chance to score some brownie points with her....

She won't remember a thing about this...

Matsudaira: I think that forgetting a birthday like this would probably make her happier...

Besides, I've been a lousy ass dad this whole time, and to be frank I've kind of come to like it.

Katsura: Yeah, while invoking the name of all dads under the heavens....

and in the end not giving your daughter a single present is pretty lousy.

Matsudaira: Hmph...

It's not something I can sell to support the cabaret club girls, though.

018

Katsura: Take a look inside.

That's not your present...

In the first place, you were planning on being lousy.

(Sfx- Shuruuu winnd)

Katsura: I found it when cleaning your daughter's room...

(Present- Happy birthday father.)

Katsura: Apparently your birthday is coming up soon..

So she probably intended to hand that to you when you showed up at her birthday party.

No need to worry, in order to switch it with that one...

I left your present behind.

Matsudaira: I really can't not worry...

The maid that entered my daughter's room without permission is going to get fired today...

Nakasaki....

Nakasaki: Yes, sir.

Matsudaira: Dump this cruddy maid into a ditch or something, would ya?

Nakasaki: Understood!

I'll find a ditch that the police will never find.

Matsudaira: Less talking and more leaving!!

Nakasaki: Yessir!

Matsudaira: Next time we meet....

I won't hold my fist back..... Katsura.

019

Katsura: Hmph....

I wouldn't wish it any other way.

{The Police Chief...}

{Matsudaira Katakuriko...}

{Is the greatest enemy of us, the Joui Patriots, a feared as the god of destruction.}

Maid: Sir, please stop!

{However beneath that title is...}

{A household where his back can be seen while he washes his own underpants, just the same as ever.}

Maid: I'll wash the clothes....

(Sfx- Shaba shaba splish splish)

Matsudaira: It's fine, I'll do this!!

{A man who doesn't need his home to be his place, instead he exaggerates and claims everywhere under the heavens his home... Yes, even today he stands on the battlefield of society.}

{But I don't think it's a battle that is without reward.}

Maid: Oh! Good morning, Kuriko-sama!

(Sfx- shabaa splissh)

Maid: Oh, that hairpin is so cute!

{And I have had the pleasure of seeing that myself.}

{Though the two of them are standing back to back, the bond of a father and child connects them.}

(Sfx- Shabaa splissh)

Maid: Hm, that's rare... I wonder if her boyfriend bought it?

{I can feel it myself...}

{The dignity...}

{of a no-good father under the heavens...}

{Matsudaira Katakuriko...}

{There isn't an opponent alive...}

{unworthy of that back's bold grandeur.}

020