Gintama 349

You read the deep title and feel a bit moved, until someone makes a penis joke. (Which oddly enough, this chapter was pretty free of that stuff, unless you count Okita's sadism, and Kondo's constant need to mate...so in essence, the Shinsengumi made this a smut chapter, and not Gintoki.)



001

Announcer: Let us all pledge!!

That all of us boyfriends gathered here today will flirt their hardest to to prove fair-and-square that their bride is the best girlfriend in all of Edo!!

(Bottom text- Special announcement!! The Gintama movie 'Benizakura new translation' will air on TV Tokyo on April 29th at 8'o clock!!)

Announcer: The Love Choriss Cup My Wife Tenkaichi Butoukai

Has begun!!

(SFX- WAAAAAAAA)

Lesson 349:
Love Isn't Something you Get, it's Something you Give

Announcer 2: At long last, the day has come!!

Where the ideal girlfriends that you all have taken so much time and energy to care for will be pitted against each other to prove who is the greatest, the My Wife Tenkaichi Butoukai!

The time to put your love to the test has arrived.

So what do you think everyone? Go ahead and flirt with your girlfriends with all your power so you don't regret anything.

002

Announcer 2: First is the preliminary round.

Everyone will be split into three groups.

The groups will be divided based on which of their three heroines they have chosen. There will be a Sayaka group, Momo group and Pinko group.

First, each of these groups will compete against each other, and only one couple in each will win to go on to the next round.

In other words between the three groups; Sayaka, Momo and Pinko, there will be three chosen to go on to the final round.

Between these three remaining representative heroines, there will be a battle to see which one will emerge victorious.

The competition done through dates with the girl you have chosen in the Love Choriss game.

We will monitor each date, and have judges to check each one.

In short, the one who is best able to bring out the charm of their girlfriend will walk out of here the best boyfriend, and the victor.

???: Hold the phone, MC.

Announcer: !

003

Guys: Whaddya mean, you're going to monitor us?!

You don't need stuff like that, our girlfriends are

{MC Vision}

Guys: right next to us!!

You can't see them?!

{Boyfriend Vision}

Guys: Yeah!!

Apologize to our girlfriends!!

(Handwritten- On your knees! On your knees!!)

???: Please, that's enough, all of you!

It's unfair for a crowd to gang up on and torment one man.

Shinpachi: Momo-san...

Momo: Can you be so cruel and still call yourselves boyfriends?

Can't you see that this will make your girlfriends unhappy?

As long as you boyfriends believe in us girlfriends, we will believe in you in return. Please... don't forget that.

004

Guys: What?!

Wh... Who is that girlfriend...?!!

No way, is she crying tears for others besides her boyfriends...!?

This deep compassion... she's like a saint...!!!

(Sfx- Gusunnn sniffle)

MC: Woooah, what's going on?! Though from my perspective, all I can see is people talking with their gaming machines!

Even before the match has begun, there is unrest spreading in the Momo-san group!! Could it be... they're fascinated by someone else's girlfriend?!

Kondo: S---Shinpachi-kun's already started to overwhelm the other competitors?!

(Handwritten- More like, am I the ONLY one with a working brain here?)

Kondo: And it's not just her looks. Down to the details he's made an ideal female image.

It's like he's created an entire actual person in this world.

A... Against that, there aren't any regular gamers who just got obsessed with a game that could possibly compete.

MC: And let the match begin!!

Guy: Hmph! All these losers are getting overwhelmed by a cheap girlfriend like that?!

I'll show you guys! Behold the power my girlfriend whom I've logged in over 5000 total hours with!!

005

MC: And the first to make a move is number 132 from the Momo-san group!!

(Handwritten Shigeku~~n!)

{MC Vision}

MC: Both his "Boyfriend Power" and "Intimacy Level" are at full points, like it's totally natural!

{Boyfriend Vision}

(Handwritten- Sorry to keep you waiting~!!)

MC: Even the location of the date is an amusement park they frequent! That means top points for location!!

Momo: There aren't many people here...

Hey... Even without saying anything... you know, right?

(Sfx- Moji moji fidget fidget)

Momo: I... can't hold back any more!

(Sfx- Gabahhh glomp)

Guy: Omph

MC: Woah, just after meeting, even before getting to the amusement park, his girlfriend's already going at it!!

Kondo: That's a place where there aren't any people, so he got max points! And that's the even said to only occur when the girlfriend's mood is "Horny", the "French Kiss"!!

(TN- The kanji used for french kiss here is a slight variation on the Japanese word "harenchi" meaning "indecent".)

Gintoki: What the hell do ya mean 'Horny'!? Is this a eroge?!

(TN- Eroge is well...naughty video gaming.)

Kondo: Her mood varies from day to day. And on top of that, the odds of it being "horny" is only 1 in 360!

He's been stroking the flame of her temperament all for this day!! More likely or not by getting her 'horny' point to the nith degree like this, he has a 360 percent chance of getting laid!!

Even for real enthusiasts, that's a rare kiss you barely ever see!!

Gintoki: What the hell?! What kind of heroin is totally horny right at the start of the date?! That just makes her a friggin' pervert!!

Dude: Fuahahah, for someone like me who's played for over 5000 hours, predicting the 1 in 360 chance was an easy task!!

I've prepared everything for this day!!

{MC Vision}

(Sfx- Pih pih beep beep)

Momo: Aaahn...

Ooooh~! [Heart]

MC: Number 132's kiss technique is making his girlfriend fall madly in love with him!!

006

(Sfx- Buchu buchu buchu kiss kiss kiss)

Guy: Stop it!! My...Momo-san is....!!

???: Keep calm!! Your Momo is right...

(Sfx- Pikii crackle...)

(Sfx- Pariin Parrin Pariiin crackle crackle crackle)

MC: Whoa! Witnessing Number 132's lewd kiss is making the Momo-san group lose their will to fight one after the other and break down!!

And the judgment panel's scores are...

{Moe moe points: 60. // Heart throbbing points: 95p// Sexual arousement points: 100p} [Right to left]

MC: The sexual arousal points are at 100!! In total this is 255 points!! Right out of the gate we have an incredibly high score!!

Gintoki: THE HELL?! THE GORILLA'S SLIPPED IN THERE, TOO?!!

MC: Can there be any other players who can get a score this high?!

But before that, the other boyfriends are breaking apart their games one after another!! Have things been settled?!

(Sfx- Bakiii crackle)

Guy: Heheh... with this, I'm the clear champ of the Momo-san group...

(Sfx- Zath zatsh tmp tmp)

007

MC: What's this?! There's still a boyfriend remaining!!

It's Number 154!! The couple from before are continuing their date as if nothing is happening!!

Kondo: Shinpachi-kun!!

That's...!!

MC: Hmmm?! And what's going on here?!

(Sfx- Kachi kochi)

MC: Even though they overcame such a hardship, they're on a date without even holding hands!!

Moreover, his "Boyfriend Power" and "Intimacy Level" are actually below average!!

{Boyfriend Power}

{Intimacy Level}

MC: I... Impossible! He's that into the game yet he can't even kiss her?!!

No matter how you look at it, they're simply platonic! He's utterly different from the 132 group that shared that deep kiss!! This is as platonic as platonic gets!

They barely even look each other in the eye! Can they still earn points like this?!

Guy: Heh, the game's over.

Just stand there wistfully gazing at us kissing.

Shinpachi: Um, er, Momo-san, a-a-re you thirsty?

If so, I can buy you a drink.....

MC: Is he no longer able to bear the awkward silence?! The boyfriend seems to be going to buy a drink.

Momo: Ah, I don't mind buying... What would you like, Shinpachi-kun?

Shinpachi: Er, um... I guess tea?

008

Momo: Here we go.

Shinpachi: Um... Momo-san,

You only bought one...

Momo: Ah, that's because I wanted tea, too.

Since we're both drinking the same thing,

I thought one bottle would... be fine. Right?

(Sfx- Zufoooooo DOOOOF)

{A....}

{A...a...a...a....AN INDIRECT KISSSSSSS?!}

MC: Oh my, Number 154 has made quite an unexpected move!! Against the passionate kiss...

somehow he has chosen to go with an utterly platonic indirect kiss!!

Guys: Wh-What's up with this?! It's just an indirect kiss right? It's seriously just a substitute, you can barely even call it a kiss!

Yet my heart is racing a mile a minute!! For some reason it seems even more real that than kiss!!

Kondo: No way, Shinpachi-kun...!!

009

Kondo: The people at this gathering, from the judges to the players, are without a doubt all virgins.

For virgins, the idea of being frenched is no more unimaginable than a mythical creature like a dragon or a pegasus!

Yet, an indirect kiss like something anyone who likes a girl has done, like blowing in the same recorder or wearing the same jersey... Compared to a real kiss, it feels incredibly more realistic!!

Gintoki: You're the only one who would wear someone else's jersey, so please, don't go lumping yourself the other people here.

Kondo: Is that what he was aiming for?! Is that how he got here without raising his Boyfriend Power or Intimacy Level?!

(Sfx- Gaku gaku shiver shiver)

(Sfx- Bachaa blissh)

(Sfx- Bachaaa blissh)

Gintoki: NO MATTER HOW YOU QUALIFY IT, HE'S CLEARLY JUST A PURE-BLOODED VIRGIN!!

MC: Oh wow! 154 went too far and now he ended up drowning in tea!

(Sfx- Dogashaaa blooosh)

(Handwritten- Ugahhh!!)

Gintoki: Just how excited is he getting over an indirect kiss in a video game?! An indirect of an indirect just comes out to a whole lot of "nothing", right?!

(Sfx- Garaaaan clatter)

(Sfx- Geho gohoo cough cough)

(Sfx- Bishaaa bloosh)

Shinpachi: I---I'm sorry! I'll buy another one!!

Momo: That's fine...

(Sfx- Zehha zehaa)

MC: Aah, the girlfriend completely noticed! Has number 154 let a once in a lifetime chance slip away?!

Guy: I wiiiiiiiiin!!

My Momo-san is the vict...

010

Momo: I don't need that anymore.

They're already moist.

(SFX- Teehee.)

(Sfx- Bishhhhh crackle)

(Sfx- Barriiinn craaaaash)

011

MC: And 132 loses his fighting spiriiiit!!!

The wiiiiiiiiiner is number 154!! He will be the one to advance!!

Even without looking at the scores, it's clear to everyone

He's got a perfect score!!

{Moe moe points: 100p// Heart Throbbing points 100p// Sexual Arousal points 100p} [Right to left]

Gintoki: Would you quit it, Gorilla?! You're turned on 24 hours a day!!

MC: An astounding girlfriend has appeared!!

(Sfx- Ugahhhhh)

MC: The all the judges and participants are green with envy!!

Gintoki: What the hell are they doing?

Guys: Because he messed up the indirect kiss, he got an all-encompassing kind kiss!

And our Momo-san's that we've just tricked into making them kiss us over and over again... look like filthy whores when compared to his girl...!

Drawing out Momo-san's normal big sister specs to the maximum was a perfect strategy!

(SFX- Uuuh......)

He's a god! A god has descended!!

Long live the god of virgins! Long live the goddess Momo!!

Kondo: Wh... What a guy...

In just one play, he captured the hearts of the virgins to the point where he's being admired as a god.

Gintoki: Er, well he's not much of a god... As far as gods go, he ranks lower than a toiler god. He's like a god covered in crap.

012

Kondo: And to think he was able to maintain such an innocent relationship and now raise his Intimacy Level...

Rejoice, all of you! There are still lots of possibilities in the world of Love Choriss for everyone!!

(Handwritten- Yeeeeeeeah!!)

Gintoki: Um, sorry to tell you this, if you guys keep playing that thing you're not going to come across any new possibilities.

MC: Meanwhile the Sayaka-chan group is at the zoo.

After seeing that fine play, the amount of couples engaged in reckless kissing has shrunk.

(Handwritten- How about a kiss?)

(Handwritten- Why don't you want to make out?)

MC: Everyone has begun to realize that this is not a tournament that can be won merely be being lovey-dovey.

But the remainder that has forgotten about being lovey-dovey is stuck in a stalemate.

Couple number 230 has been standing in front of some kind of cage, and the screen is not moving in the slightest.

{MC Vision}

MC: No matter how much the girlfriend coaxes for a kiss,

(Handwritten- I wish you'd understand without me having to say anything...)

MC: The boyfriend has done a touch on her in a place where the public notice gauge is up to full. Because the girlfriend is so conscious about her surroundings, she can't kiss him.

Because the public notice gauge is fully filled, the girlfriend repeatedly refuses requests for a kiss.

(Handwritten- People will see us.)

MC: As so, the game continues endlessly.

Oh, just now! The gauge decreased!

(Handwritten- You understand, right?)

MC: Oh now it's no good... He did a touch again when the gauge was full....what is number 230 doing?

013

Sayaka: Th-This is embarrassing....

Sign: Female Pig [Top]

Do not feed the animals!