With all this talk of cutting things, I sure wish the Gorilla would 'cut' the amount of words he uses to describe the same thing. Yuk yuk. see what I did there? My sense of humor is cutting edge--!!
Hi wa mata noboru only.
(Side text- What melts in the night is…)
Vendor: Boss, I think it’s ‘bout time I closed up my shop.
Lately these parts have become a might bit dangerous, so I’d like to hurry back to the homestead.
Gintoki: Dangerous? When did this happen?
(Sign- Oden// Oden & Liquor)
Vendor: You haven’t heard the tales of the ripper who goes after drunkards?
Just yesterday they found another corpse in a back alley.
Though this corpse was a bit strange..
At first glance you’d think that there wasn’t a scratch on ‘em…he just looked like your run-of-the mill passed out drunk.
But his neck was literally hanging by a thread…
Cut clean off.
Vendor: It can’t possibly be the work of a human…
So now rumor has it that a shinigami has come to town and is finishing people off.
Gintoki: I’ll bet that dude was just wandering all over town.
Gintoki: Moreover this was probably something made up to keep people from being in the mood to drink. If I meet this Shinigami person I’ll pour ‘em a shot myself.
Vendor: Sir, you keep drinking as much as you do and the Shinigami really will come for ou.
Gintoki: Ooh I’m so scaaaaared. You just be sure to lower your sign before you blow out the candles for the night.
That’s so stupid. Hanging necks by a thread…
(Sfx- Yoro yoro *wobble wobble*)
Gintoki: ‘Sides it’s not like it’d affect me in the first place.
(Sfx- Hiku hiku)
Gintoki: Cause my neck is always hanging by a thread….financially.
???: Is that the truth?
???: I see…
You’ve got skill with a sword.
I implore you to assist me with a favor…
???: Would you mind assisting me…
With my seppuku?
Lesson 463: Generally characters who appear in white clothing will end up dying in a pool of blood.
(Side text- An impossible to solve problem!!)
I don’t quite get what I’m doing here.
But I think perhaps you should consider rethinking this?
Cause you know…seppuku is bad in all sorts of ways.
Why do you wanna go so bad? It’s sure to cause all kinds of misunderstandings…
Plus this isn’t…really good. You should cheer up.
???: What do you know about me?!
Gintoki: You’re asking me what it is I know…but this seems pretty clear cut…
???: Please don’t judge me by appearance alone! You know nothing of my problems!
Gintoki: Ookay, stab in the dark here but could it be that you weren’t able to learn a bankai?
???: That’s not it!
(TN- Bleach joke. Mooooving on.)
Gintoki: In any case, you shouldn’t crudely give up on life like this.
I mean since your mission is to take the lives of others you should understand how precious they are, right?
No wait I mean you of all people should value your life the most right?
Uh...no, that seems off too. Dammit this is annoying, I’m not sure how to talk death out of death.
???: I have to take this life of mine with my own hands or I will never be able to seek atonement.
Gintoki: I’m telling you I get it okay? You had to do it as part of your job and stuff. It’s all good, everyone understand.
???: Hurry up and help me with this suicide!
(Sfx- Dosuhh *thud*)
???: P—please…hurry and finish me off quickly…
(Sfx- Buru buru *wobble wibble*)
Gintoki: You sure about this? I mean you can’t go hating me for shortening your life span you know.
???: Owowowow!! Hurry up! I’m dying! I’m dying!!
Gintoki: Well you’re not dead yet. So please stop moving around okay?
Is this really the Shinigami?
H—here I go…
(Sfx- Puuun *bzzzz*)
(Sfx- Gaaan *thuuud*)
(Sfx- Dosuuhh *thuuud*)
???: Um…haven’t you done it yet…?
(Sfx- Pushuuuh *bloorsh*)
???: I—really want to be released from my suffering into the land of pleasure….it hurts…
Gintoki: W—wait a minute! Things sort of got out of hand and I lost my aim! Just hold on, I’ll be there to kill you in an instant!
(SFx- Gishiii gishiii *grrrind grind*)
(Sfx- fuuuunngh *unnngh*)
(Sfx- Bakiiiin *crack*)
???: Um…are you going to do this now or not??
(Sfx- Buru buru buru *wibble wibble wibble*)
(Sfx- Bushiiii *blooorsh*)
???: It kind of really hurts so I’m begging you to end it!!
Gintoki: Calm down dammit!
(Sfx- Atafuta atafuta *wfft wfft*)
(Sfx- Guru guru *wind wiiind*)
(Sfx- Bishiii *pissht*)
Gintoki: Think of it this way, you’re getting a taste of the very same pain the lives you took felt!
And this one is for Krillin!!
(Sfx- Baaahh *fwaaap*)
(Sfx- Mosaaah *fwfft*)
(Sfx- Dosuhhh *thok*)
(Sfx- Bushiiii *bloooorsh*)
(Sfx- Bata bata *fwap fwap*)
???: Heeeeeeeeey!!! What are you doing?!
I’m really at my limit hereeee!!
(Sfx- Guaaah *Bloooorgh*)
???: Saaaafffeee meeeeeeeeh!!!
(Sfx- Goraaaaaah *bloooorh*)
(Sfx- Bicha bicha *bllssh bllsh*)
I am SOOO sorry! I can’t do this after all!!
???: What on earth were you doing up until now?! My guts are showing here!!
Gintoki: And guess what?! So’s my brain!!
???: You aren’t going to get scared off now!! Do iiiiiiittt!! Kill meeeeeee!!!
(Sfx- Miishi *grrrind*)
Gintoki: I’m dyin’ here! I’m the one who’s dying!!
(Sfx- Gohh *thud*)
Gintoki: This ain’t a suicide attempt, it looks more like a brawl dammit!!
Heeeey! This isn’t my fault! I’m not a killer! This is just a sucide gon wrong!!
Moreover is a shinigami committing suicide a sin to begin with?!
(Sfx- Fan fan fan *wee wee wee*)
(Sfx- Uuuuuu *weeoo weooo*)
Gintoki: Whoa, what’s going on out there? Seems pretty noisy.
Did some kind of incident go down or something?
Shinpachi: I’d LIKE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!!
Gintoki: What do you mean?
Shinpachi: What ELSE would I mean?! Isn’t that obviously the Shinigami tied to your back?!
Gintoki: Shinigami? Oh you can see the one on my back? Damn…I think I might have been possessed by something..
Shinpachi: Like hell you are!! The thing that’s supposed to be possessing you is the one who isn’t moving and is covered in blood!
Gintoki: Oh crap. You think I’m gonna die soon?
Kagura: The Shinigami you have there has died before you, yes? Did something happen…? Could it be..
Gintoki: Dude no way. This is a case of legitimate self-defense! The Shinigami had it out for me, and I simply retaliated to save my life!
Kagura: You killed it, yes? You managed to kill the Shinigami?
Gintoki: I ain’t killed nobody. So just get all the zanpaktou in the house and c’mere for a second.
(Sfx- gacha gatcha *clack clack*)
Gintoki: We’re all gonna use our bankai on the shinigami and send it back to Soul society.
Shinpachi: WHAT IN GODS NAME ARE YOU PLANNING TO DO?! WE CAN’T FULLY RECOVER THE SHINIGAMI, MUCH LESS FULLY RELEASE ON IT!!
(TN- Bankai with one set of kanji means ‘full release’. Bankai with another set of kanji means ‘restoration’. Hence the joke, or lack thereof.)
Shinpachi: Just stop this already! This is basically the perfect murder!
Gintoki: Don’t screw with me. Only soul society can judge me.
???: No, only people can judge people.
(Sfx- Doshaahh *thuuud*)
???: I’ve had enough of suicide.
Even if I’m not a person, I judge people and should expect that people will have the right to judge me. I get that now.
Shinpachi: It’s aliiiiiveee!! The Shinigami is aliiiiiiiiiiiive!!
(TN- And has great legs too.)
???: I’m sorry but the wound on my stomach is a fake.
If I didn’t do that much then I figured I might lose my head.
Honestly I think something as honorable as seppuku is sort of a waste. Having my head sitting by the prison gates is much more suited for me.
But it seems that I won’t be able to have that wish granted..
Don’t have the right to die after all.
Kagura: A hu..man?
???: No I’m a Shinigami.
One who cuts the necks of sinners but cannot cut her own neck.
A completely useless Shinigami.
Hijikata: It happened again?
Okita: This brings the grand total to four.
I’ve never seen a Shinigami work so hard before.
Hijikata: Tell me about it. I’m getting tired of meeting public officials like this.
Okita: Well it ain’t soul society but it is overtime pay.
It’s the same shallow cut modus operandi it seems…
Hijikata: Yup, and this isn’t a technique any schmo can pull off. Sougo did you do this?
Okita: Hmm…couldn’t say. I could test it on a certain vice captain’s throat if he’d like?
Hijikata: I’m more interested in hearing your alibi.
Okita: Cut me some slack here. If I’m gonna stay up all night, the only neck I’d be interested in would be yours.
Hijikata: Is that your alibi?
Okita: ‘Sides there are lots of dudes out there who can pull off this sorta thing.
Ever heard of ‘Neck embrace’?
It’s one of the rules of etiquette in regards to seppuku.
It’s as it sounds. As the person committing seppuku stabs themselves in the belly, an assistant is supposed to lob off their neck so they don’t feel any pain.
Okita: Though being able to slice a guy’s head off in one go isn’t really all that easy.
Messing it up and having to do it two or three times means having to watch the seppuku-ee in crushing agony until the finishing blow is finally delivered.
Plus the assistant in the suicide has a duty to watch over the deadee’s belongings and his home…
So he is usually chosen out of the best of the best.
Moreover it’s not enough that the assistant be able to slice of the head in one go…
Hes gotta make sure that the deadee’s head doesn’t fall on the floor and get dirty, so cutting the head just enough that it hangs on barely is the best way to go.
It’s for sure that the one behind this has that etiquette.
???: Okita-dono, in short you’re saying this…
The offender in this case…
Is someone who cuts the necks of us government officials..?
Okita: And who might you be?
Hijikata: He was sent here to assist us in the investigation…
The public affairs official trial affairs dept.
This is the 18th head, Ikeda Yaemon-dono.
Okita: The public affairs official trial affairs dept?
So basically the department that supplies and controls the swords of the shougun family?
Yaemon: Ah it’s fine guys. There’s no need to use such a formal and stiff title on lil’ old me. Sword testing and cutting is just a side thing for me, so everyone shouldn’t worry too much about it.
Simply put my household is in charge of taking care of the criminals who are to be executed.
You could just join in the banter and call us ‘shinigami’.
Okita: I see. Well if we’re wondering about Shinigami matters, best to ask a Shinigami..
(Sfx- pan *Smack*)
Yaemon: Hijikata-dono, Okita-dono…as you can see our work is not exactly the most neat and tidy occupation.
However we do have pride that it is our swords that chastise criminals souls as they pay what they owe to society.
Yaemon: It’s because we have this pride and belief that I don’t believe that someone in our house could do something like this.
Hijikata: I’d really like to say something like ‘of course we don’t doubt you’…
But the technique fits…
Yaemon: Sorry but this wasn’t the work of anyone within the Ikeda household.
You can see that that the neck is definitely just ‘barely’ hanging in there. The reason we cut shallow is so that the cells can coagulate.
This person didn’t notice that they had their cells cut and therefore was sent to the afterlife still perplexed as to what was happening to them.
It’s as if their soul alone has surpassed the Ikeda house’s ‘Neck embrace’ into a whole new realm of perfection.
‘Soul washing’ if you will.
However people who can successfully perform this technique are not great in number within the Ikeda household.
One person who could pull it off was the previous ‘Yaemon’.
And then you have another who can…whom you’re speaking to.
Hijikata: And there’s no one else?
Yaemon: Afraid not. At least not in my household.
However if you’re talking about someone who left…there is one person who comes to mind..
Yaemon: This person has sliced and tossed the heads of many criminals and their deeds.
Her technique even surpassed the previous head’s…earning her the reputation of having marvelous skill.
She has the proof of the current Ikeda household’s head…
And has sworn to succeed the name ‘Yaemon’…
But she took the head of our master the previous Yaemon with her own two hands..
And then became the traitor to the family…
Dude: Hey! Be more gentle when you’re carrying these parcels…
They’ve got really important stuff in ‘em!
(Box- Edo shipping)
(Sfx- Guraaah *fwaap*)
(Sfx- Para para *clatter clatter*)
Dude: Oh awesome! Our parcels didn’t get messed up!
Dude2: Forget that!! You okay kid?
Hey wait…everything inside has been sliced…
Our truck’s been sliced in half?!
Yaemon(?): She truly is…
Of a Shinigami.
(Side text- Things have gotten surprisingly serious…!!)
GINTAMA Lesson 463………..END.